We got our copy of the homestudy yesterday.  Shannon and I read through it together last night.  Other than a few minor errors, it seemed good.  Seemed to really capture who we are.  And that's a relief to me-- hopefully our case manager does really get us and will know what's best for us in placing children in our home.

We had a good Christmas.  Other than some drama with my dad and stepmom that I don't want to go into right now, it's been a great holiday week.  My brother and his family are in town visiting from Los Angeles.  I absolutely love getting to see my nephew again.  He is 14 months old now and doing so many new things compared to when we saw him in October.  He has really shifted into toddlerhood and it's so fun to share this special time with him.  He really recognizes and likes me now, reaching out for me to pick him up over and over.  One of the most fun things for me is that he is really starting to look like me.  He is literally the spitting image of me when I was that age.  We got out an old family album from when I was one year old and it was amazing to see the resemblance.  That is incredibly special to me.  If I cannot have a biological child of my own, it means a lot to see that my genetics are still being passed down.  It helps lessen that loss to know part of me is in him too.

Quick update

We're getting emails or phone calls from our Pathways case manager Danielle nearly every day this week asking follow-up questions for our homestudy.  I think that she did not really look at our file until last week and is realizing everything she didn't know before.  I know it's difficult because she wasn't our original case manager and our original one went on maternity leave early, so she got stuck with several more families than she was planning on.  But it seems like we should have been asked these things a while ago.

Either way, I'm still trying to focus on the positive.  This means she truly is working to complete everything.  And now we know the director has read the homestudy, only has a few questions for us to follow-up on, then we get to see our copy any day now.  Danielle says she hoping for us to be able to sign contracts as early as next week!  Oh my goodness-- are we really ready for that?!?   :)

When the time is right

We did go look in Shannon's cousin's attic last week and I cannot even express to you how exciting that was to see that she has literally every big item we would need for a baby and/or toddler.  A crib, a toddler bed, car seats, strollers, high chair, everything.  If we ended up getting a baby and a toddler, we would just have to get another mattress for the second bed, but that's nothing.  It gave me such a sense of relief to know we won't have to worry about these big tickets items.  Then if my dad and stepmom give us new dressers for the kids, that's practically their entire rooms furnished.  Isn't it amazing how the universe provides what we need when the time is right?

I did take a couple of smaller baby things that I can use with my friend's baby who I'm still watching everyday.  That's going much better now.  I really feel like I'm getting into a good rhythm with him and getting more and more done around the house these days.  I even started doing some contract therapy work at the shelter where I used to work this week and that made me feel so good about myself.  I hadn't realized how much I had missed counseling and how much my self-esteem would improve after getting out there again.  I know actually getting our kids will be a huge adjustment to us all, but I'm beginning to see how I can balance home and work in the future.

Still waiting to hear if the director has approved of our homestudy and still waiting to get to see a copy of it for ourselves.  Now that Christmas is next week, it doesn't really look like we'll have our kids before then like we'd originally hoped.  But I'm trying to look on the bright side.  It would be difficult if not impossible to travel next week with new kiddos and overwhelming for them to spend the holiday with strangers.  Now we'll just move on to looking forward to spending the new year with new kiddos  :)

More Baby Steps

I finally heard from our case manager.  She emailed that she is submitting our home study to her director.  We should get a copy of it soon to make sure we don't have any changes, then she'll come out to our house for us to sign contracts for us to be officially licensed!!  I have no idea how long the timeline is for this last little bit of the process, but I'm thrilled to know we're still moving right along.

We're going this evening over to Shannon's cousin's house to look through their attic at their baby/toddler stuff they want to give us.  I cannot express how grateful I am to people like this who want to help us out on this journey.  It means the world to me that they are willing to just give us these items when we are starting out with practically nothing.  We are blessed.

Close of a Chapter

Today should have been the due date for our last baby.  I don't feel that overwhelming sadness I've felt with other due dates, but it's definitely worth noting today.  It feels like the close of a chapter of our lives.  A very long and challenging chapter, but one that has forever changed us and made us stronger.

I've been thinking since last week's holiday about what I'm thankful for.  I'm thankful for my wonderful husband who never ceases to amaze me, even when he drives me crazy sometimes.  I'm thankful for my mother who has been such a source of support-- our friendship now that I'm an adult means so much to me.  I'm thankful for other friends and family, near and far, who have been there for me through all the ups and downs.  And it may sound crazy, but I'm thankful not to be pregnant right now.  I remember I was a little pregnant at last year's Thanksgiving and couldn't even enjoy leftovers because they made me nauseaous.  And last Christmas was such a blur as I was recovering from yet another pregnancy loss.  I'm so grateful to not be in that place right now.

I do worry that we won't get our Christmas miracle after all, that we won't have kids by then.  I worry that our case manager might not have even started writing up our homestudy, leaving us in this holding pattern indefinitely.  I worry that she doesn't really get us and will place just any foster kids with us out of convenience, not truly matching us with the ones we're meant to adopt.  I'm so ready to have our kids here.  I've definitely got baby fever lately.  I'm still keeping my friend's baby during the day and have so enjoyed that experience.  I'm just ready to have a little one that we can keep here all the time.  Hopefully soon, hopefully soon.

Past and Future Coming Together

Today I went through deja vu world.  This morning I babysat for a little girl I used to nanny for full time a couple of years ago.  I hadn't been there in over a year, but it was all just the same.  Same toys, same crazy rules and expectations from mom.  Then I went to meet with an old friend at the children's shelter where I worked for the better part of four years, but finally quit for good almost 3 years ago.  That was just before the ectopic experience.  Actually looking back, I was already "a little pregnant" when I quit working there, but didn't know it yet.  It's been an eventful and life-changing few years since then...  Now that I have my full counseling license and no full time job, I'm hoping to be able to do contract therapy work out there.  Things had changed out there, but so much of it was still eerily familar.  I spent so much time in both these places, especially the shelter.  It's a place that I still dream about from time to time.  I miss working there, but just don't think I could do direct care like that again, especially with our own kids going to be here relatively soon.  It's a good feeling to be able to finally come full circle and work there again, finally getting to use my counseling skills there like I'd always wanted.

When I got home tonight, there was an e-mail from our case manager at Pathways saying they were checking with families that are in the verification process like we are to see if we could provide respite care for 2 little girls, ages 1 and 2.  Their foster parents have to go out of state for a death in the family and they need someone to care for them for a few days.  Families like us are ideal because we don't have our own foster kids yet, but we've just taken all our classes and have had our home inspections, etc.  We considered it for a bit, but decided we just couldn't do it because we already have plans to go out of town for Thanksgiving this week.  But it's gotten me thinking about how not-ready we are in a practical sense.  I really do need to get my act together and clean out these closets and organize these rooms and get everything I can ready for when we actually are licensed and expecting a call at any minute.  It could be here before we know it.

Frustrations

I've been keeping my friend's baby every day this week again and it's been a good experience for me.  It's certainly been eye-opening how different it is having a baby here in my own house.  I've worked with lots of kids/babies, but never here at home.  Yesterday was the most challenging so far.  He was fussy and more restless than usual and I was exhausted by the end of the day.  It's starting to worry me a little bit how exhausting this is.  And this is just one little baby.  And an easy baby at that.  The kids we get will come with their own little traumas (or big traumas) and will certainly be more challenging.  I guess it will be a learning and growing experience for all of us, figuring out how to make it all work.

One of the most frustrating things is that Shannon just doesn't seem to get it.  He comes home asking what I did all day, why I didn't get such-and-such done, did I just play with the baby all day?  I'm ready for him to have a day at home with a baby/child and see what it's really like.  I'm impressed I've gotten as much done as I have, but then he wonders why I couldn't do more.  I had pictured I'd be cleaning out closets and this baby would just sit there pleasantly.  Hmm... not so much.  My mom is planning to come over today too.  I know she will be a huge help and support when we get kids.  She's getting so excited about it-- looking up websites about what to buy for foster kids and how to deal with the holidays, etc.

I sent an email to our case manager at Pathways the other day to check in and see where we are in the process.  She wrote back a very generic response, like "We're working on your homestudy and will let you know when we're done.  Thanks for your patience."  Disappointing, to say the least.  I mean, I know she is very busy and we are far from her only family, but it's almost been a month since our homestudy interview.  For all I know she hasn't even started typing it up yet!  It's hard to continue to be patient in this inbetween world.

It's also been frustrating because we're getting phone calls and comments from (obviously well-meaning) friends and family wondering when we're getting kids.  Several people have thought we already have kids or that we've "picked some out" and are just waiting for them to get here.  Like that's how it works...  I was trying to figure out where they're getting all this wrong information.  Have I not been clear when explaining things to others?  Then Shannon mentioned last night he figured it was coming from his mom.  She's been known to, how should I put it, stretch the truth from time to time.  It's not necessarily lying, just telling people what they want to hear.  And when she's at a bar with friends, the truth stretching gets even bigger.  So I guess that's it.  But it's still frustrating.  This process can be difficult enough without someone else complicating it even more.

What I'm meant to do

Yesterday, I kept a friend's little baby for the day.  This is the baby that was due 10 days after my #3 should have been.  But all that sadness and grief did not even begin to come into play.  Instead it just reminded me where I'm meant to be in life, what I'm meant to do.  I'm so ready to be a mommy.  Taking care of that sweet baby boy yesterday just reaffirmed this for me.  It just felt right.  I may end up keeping that baby every day for the near future.  I don't know what things will be like once we have our own foster/adopt kiddos, but for now I'd love to have that sweet baby in our house to take care of.  We're starting to accumulate more baby/kids things as we prepare for our own.  In our den, I still have a play pen and the baby quilt my family has always used to lay babies on.  Those things look good in our house and make me happy to finally be able to have here.  My mom bought us our first official item for a baby the other day when we went to Target-- a set of gender-neutral receiving blankets.  So we're moving forward and that makes me so happy. 

Growth

I was just sitting here, thinking how much I've grown and healed in the past year.  In all absurdity, the thing that has called this to my attention most lately is that Shannon has gotten the newest edition of one of his favorite video games.  It's violent and graphic and he loves it.  I was just realizing that before, the release of this video game often has happend to coincide with our pregnancy losses.  And this game is one major way Shannon dealt with it all-- he played for hours on end, hunting people down and shooting them.  Doesn't sound pleasant, but hey, we all have our paths through grief, right?

So in the past, he'd be here like he is now playing this violent game and I'd be here on my computer, most likely looking up reasons to solve why I lost this pregnancy or what I can do better next time.  But thankfully, I'm not in that place this time around, far from it.  I realized the other day that I haven't even looked at the websites from the online support groups that I used to check several times a day.  I'm not that sad, grieving girl anymore.  Sure, I still have my sad days, but they are very few and far between lately.  And that feels so good to finally be able to say.

Waiting

This waiting and wondering is hard.  I'm not good with unknowns and surprises.  We're still waiting for our case manager to write up our homestudy and have it approved so we can be officially licensed.  Then the real waiting will begin.  But this inbetween time is tough too.

I took my mom to a behavior intervention training class at Pathways (our foster/adopt agency) last night.  We are taking the steps to get my mom certified as a "frequent babysitter" for our future kiddos.  It's great that she's been so supportive all this time.  But she definitely had her eyes opened a bit more last night.  The instructor was talking about what kinds of behaviors we might expect in these kids we will get who have been abused/neglected.  At the first break, my mom admitted to me that she had not even really considered these things and was feeling like she wouldn't know how to take care of them.  By the end, she seemed to be feeling much better.  The instructor had talked about all the things you can do to heal and help these kids, how to help them bond with you and I saw my mom realize she already does those things naturally.  Besides raising my brother and I, she has worked with little kids off and on for much of her life.  She's already kind and nurturing and patient.  It's great to know she's there with us along this journey.

It felt good to go back to Pathways again.  In this inbetween waiting time, I start to feel disconnected from the whole process.  Like they're going to forget about us.  Like we'll never get kids even after all we've done and been through.  But being there again reminds me why we're doing all this and gives me hope (albeit with a little fear of the unknown) for our future.  Our home could be "open" by the end of this month and we could have kids so soon.  Amazing.

Ramblings...

Wow, it's been way too long since I last posted.  It's been so long and we've had so much going on, I'm not even sure where to begin.  This post may turn in to one long rambling mess.  So to my two readers, if you're still even out there, I apologize in advance.

Since I last wrote, we did go on our amazing "babymoon".  We spent almost a week in Los Angeles visiting my brother and his family.  For much of the time out there, my brother and his wife were out of town, so we got to take care of my 11-month old nephew on our own.  Very good practice for Shannon and I as we prepare to have children of our own here.  We took him for walks, went to the park, danced and sang silly songs together.  Seriously, just playing with my nephew was one of the biggest highlights of the trip, right up there with all the amazing things we did in Costa Rica.  That's not to say our time in Costa Rica was not amazing, because it truly was.  We were fun and adventurous and spontaneous.  We drove across the entire country with no itinerary, not one planned reservation for where we were going to stay and it worked out perfectly.  I have Shannon to thank for encouraging me to get out of my shell and enjoy such a free time together.  And it was especially enjoyable because it was so special for us to just spend time together, just the two of us for our last vacation as non-parents.  Even when we got home, we took naps on the couch together and woke up saying to one another, "Wow, appreciate that.  We probably won't be able to do that in a couple of months."

We've been back almost two weeks already from our amazing LA/Costa Rica vacation extraordinaire.  We had such a wonderful time and it's been hard to readjust back to reality.  When we got back, neither Shannon nor I really had a job so we were able to pretend for the first few days or so that we were still on vacation.  We still went out and spent money we don't necessarily have right now and charged it to a credit card.  But now, the real world is starting to sink in again.  Shannon started a new job this week.  A very grown-up but rather humdrum job.  He keeps focusing on how great it will be in the long run (great benefits, retirement, regular schedule, weekends off) and I hope he can keep that enthusiasm.

I, on the other hand, am still unemployed.  In theory, I still have grand plans on how I'll be able to do more private/independent work, but nothing's happening yet.  Selfishly, I'd hoped it was all going to work itself out while we were away on vacation, but that did NOT happen.  I've come to realize this week a couple of personality traits I have working against me in the challenge of being unemployed or even self-employed.  1) I am such a great procrastinator.  I can have the grandest of plans, the best to-do lists and still nothing gets done.  My perfectionism tends to win out as I worry that if I finally do whatever it is I need to do, it won't be done correctly, so I might as well not do it, or at least I should put it off until tomorrow.  2) I have an embarrassing sense of entitlement.  Somewhere, deep inside in a place where I hate to even admit, I wish things would just be done for me.  I think it stems from growing up rather privilidged as a child.  We had plenty of money and I never really had to do much to get what I wanted.  I never thought of myself as spoiled-- and trust me, I knew some VERY spoiled people.  But now, looking back...  I mean, I appreciate all the hard work my dad did and all they were able to give me and my brother.  It just makes it a little harder now as an adult.  I wish I didn't have to work.  I have always wished that I would be able to stay home with our children.  But now with Shannon taking this new job, it is clear that will not be a possibility.  I will have to work.  I wish other people would find jobs, find clients for me.  I wish other people would create a non-profit for me to work at, but I don't want to do the work to create said non-profit.  I wish my dad would still just give us money for no reason.  I am ashamed to even admit all these wishes, but they're there...

We had our big homestudy interview a few days after getting back from our vacation.  When we opened the door, surprise (!) our case manager had changed.  Our original case manager decided to start her maternity leave a little earlier than expected, so we had a replacement show up instead.  We liked her fine, but she wasn't as warm and genuine as the first one.  But if nothing else, we've learned we've got to roll with the punches.  If she's who we have to work with to get our kids in our home, so be it.  I'll share all our intimate details with this perfect stranger.  No problem.  And really it was so much easier and less invasive than I'd thought it would be.  So now we're really done with our part of getting us licensed.  We just have to wait for her to write up our homestudy, have it approved by the agency, have us approve it and that's it.  Then she'll come back out to our house to sign contracts and our house will officially be "open".  She echoed what many others have told us.  Since we are so open and willing to accept a sibling group, a rather large range of ages (0-9) and any ethnicity, we should get kids pretty quickly.  Shannon still says like he has since the beginning that we'll have kids by Christmas.  That is both completely awesome and completely terrifying.

I feel like there's still so much to be done to prepare ourselves for this enormous change in our lives.  I still need to figure our my career situation and get our finances squared away.  I still have closets to clean out and rooms to rearrange.  They've convinced us we should wait to buy furniture until we know what kids we'll be getting.  Which makes since but also freaks me out.  In about month from now, we could get a call for an emergency placement.  I have a few sweet friends who have offered me to throw an impromptu "baby shower", but how do we even plan for that?  Do I tell friends to be prepared at a moment's notice to buy me things?  I know any new parent-to-be feels unprepared, even after 9 months of a planned pregnancy, but this feels exponentially bigger.

I'm both so ready to be a mother with kids actually here in our home and so scared at the prospect of it at the same time.  I've always known I'm meant to be a mother, but there is so much unknown in this process too.  Will I really be good at it?  Will I finally feel satisfied?  Will it be enough for me?  Will I be enough for them?  I guess I just have to have faith and be thankful with where we are in life.  So much to look forward to.  Either way, we actually will have kids in our home soon.  With all the trying to conceive and disappointments and loss, we've actually made it here almost to the other side.  Shannon and I are still together.  We are stronger than ever, both individually and as a team.  We are blessed and lucky.

I have been reminded of our blessings lately.  Recently, a couple of people I kind of know (friends of friends, people I went to high school with) have had VERY premature babies.  Like at 24 or 25 weeks.  And I found out today that two of the babies (a boy and girl set of twins) died this week and they had a funeral for the babies today.  Through everything we've been through, I'm so thankful we haven't been through that.  It sounds like the rollercoaster of a miscarriage times 1000.  Selfishly, it makes me glad we aren't trying to get pregnant right now.  Still don't know if we'll go back down that road sometime again in the future, but I'm very glad we aren't there right now.

I am in a place right now where I can be happy for my friends who are pregnant and not be that crazy jealous lady I have been in the past.  Those twinges still show up from time to time, but it's not overwhelming like it has been.  I'm on my own path and that's okay.  Maybe babies just weren't meant to come to me through pregnancy.  And I'm feeling more and more okay with that as time passes.

Wow, this really did turn in to a rambling mess like I predicted.  Hopefully I covered all the high points.  I really needed to get it all out.  To remind myself of how far we've come and how much we have to look forward to in our future.  To remind myself, once again, to appreciate that journey along the way, wherever it might lead us...

First meeting with our case manager

We had our first official meeting with our foster/adopt case manager this morning.  She came to our house and sat down with us to start to get to know us before our incredibly intimate and intimidating homestudy interview that we'll have next month.  I really liked her.  She was warm and honest with us about both the good and the bad of the process.  We gave her a tour of our home.  She said we were great and our home seemed very peaceful and welcoming.  She answered all our questions and tried to give us an idea of what to expect.  All in all, it went great and we were left with a very positive feeling about it all.

The one ironic thing I have to mention is that it turns out our case manager is pregnant.  Very pregnant, due in December.  Just dawned on me when I typed that that I should have been due in December with pregnancy #4.  But the weird thing was that her pregnancy didn't bother me.  With all the turmoil over recent pregnancy announcements in my life, this one felt fine.  Not a twinge of jealousy.  While we were talking, she asked if infertility was an issue for us.  Knowing this will be heavily covered in our homestudy, I just gave her the basics: that we've had 4 losses, aren't trying now, not sure about the future.  She was so considerate and told us a little of her story.  Tried for 12 years for her first baby, various losses and issues through that time.  Finally had a baby through IVF 5 years ago and now this current pregnancy was a complete surprise.  Doctors had told her she would probably never get/stay pregnant without IVF, but here she is.  So it was both hopeful and comforting to know we're not alone and she "gets it".  She's one of our people.

Of course this also means she'll be having her baby and going on maternity leave relatively soon after we get licensed, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it...

All in all, a good day so far.  Finally feels like we're getting back on track and moving forward in a positive way again.  Feels good to be here again  :)

Embracing change

By nature, I do not like change.  I'd really rather things to be safe and predictable.  So what's going on with me now?  Why am I inviting all these huge changes into my life now??

I turned in my two weeks notice at work today.  I just decided this was the best decision for me and my (hopefully quickly growing) family.  I still plan on working, but don't have anything definite lined up yet.  Lots of possibilities.  Much more focused on flexiblity and me having more control in things.  Much more private, independent work.  Which is also scarely, because big parts of me really prefer not having to make decisions.  But should be better for many reasons, the biggest of which is our future children.

Just the idea of foster/adopting is, in and of itself, inviting HUGE changes into our lives.

Our upcoming trip to Costa Rica will be full of spontaneous and unpredictable decisions.  This vacation is what I want to focus on now.  We'd been wanting to take one last big trip before having children and now we're making it happen.  We leave in two weeks and I'm so excited.  I was telling someone about this trip and they said, "Oh, you're going on a 'babymoon'".  I considered this for a minute and decided I like the idea of this.  And it's even better because, unlike traditional 'babymoons', I won't be pregnant and will be able to drink and do whatever else I want like ziplines, rafting, etc.

So I guess there is a balance in inviting change and finally getting what you want and deserve in life.  Maybe it's just about growing up.  Either way-- bring it on, change, bring it on!

A little better

So after everything yesterday, Shannon came home after work and was so sweet and supportive.  He said "Screw 'em" about my work problems and told me not to worry about it, we'll figure it out, go ahead and quit and we'll be okay.  Then he decided we should go water our babies together.  So we went out in the backyard even though it was already after dark and watered each of the plants for our babies.  We talked about each one briefly and he asked me to remind him of their names.  It felt good to be heard and validated.

Feeling better about it all today.  So glad it's the weekend and I'll get a chance to go out with the girls tonight.  It's much needed.  So here's to focusing on the positive, but also embracing the negative when it comes my way!

Is this some kind of test or something??

Wow.  This week just continues to challenge me.  First, my old friend announces her pregnancy.  Everyone tells her what an amazing mom she'll be and how amazing the news is.  I've just started coming to terms with this when... boom!  I just checked my e-mail only to have gotten the news that yet another friend is pregnant.  She got married on the 4th of July and got pregnant on the honeymoon!  On the honeymoon!!  And of course, everything is going great for her.  AAAHHHHH!!!  I'm so jealous of this news that I could scream!

I swear I am seeing pregnant people everywhere.  They're everywhere on Facebook. I see cute little bellies at every store I go to.  It feels just like after I've had a loss and like everyone is pregnant and happy but me.  I hate being back here again!!

And now work is throwing a curveball my way too.  Without going in to too much detail, things have not been going well there lately.  I questioned some unethical practices recently and this was met with an attack against me.  Plus they are asking more than they should of me because I am the only licensed counselor there-- but are not willing to pay me any more, of course.  The breaking point came today.  Shannon and I have been discussing taking one last big vacation next month before we get kids.  We booked everything last night and are so thrilled about our plans!  So I turned in my leave request at work today and it was officially denied.  So now it seems that it's all being decided for me.  Looks like I'll be turning in my resignation soon.  I can only think this is all happening for a reason as we're planning for big changes in our family.  I had thought about changing jobs once we had kids, maybe just working part time or doing contract work.  But apparently the universe is telling me its time to make that change sooner rather than later.

I do deep down think this will all turn out for the best.  But really.  How much do I have to take this week?  Please, no more happy pregnancy announcements this week at least, ok?

Struggling again

Two posts in one day.  You know things must be either really good or really bad.  I went to yoga tonight in an effort to take care of myself after a rough day.  Most of the class was good, but I also ended up feeling really sad.  Something about yoga just brings you inward and brings out strong emotions, whether those be positive or negative.  Many times tears sprang to my eyes.  Yes, I felt powerful and thankful for the strength of my body, but sad at my body's shortcomings too.  It just brought it all out to the surface.  So I came home and cried in the shower.  I don't want to tell Shannon how sad I'm feeling tonight-- he hates to see me feeling weak.  So I needed to write again tonight.

After my shower, it suddenly dawned on me what today is.  Today two years ago should have been the due date for baby #1, the ectopic.  I really try not to dwell on these dates anymore and don't necessarily think about them, but today...  It's only fitting with the news of my wild, often irresponsible friend getting pregnant without even trying.  So tired of the struggles tonight...

Jealousy again

Today is a hard day.  Wow.  I just got some crazy news.  My oldest friend who I've known since I was 5 just told me she is pregnant.  And while outwardly I'm happy for her, inside I'm so shocked and jealous that I can barely think straight.  I hate to be judgemental, but this is the last person I can imagine pregnant and having a baby.  She isn't married, doesn't even live with her boyfriend.  Up until recently, she had blue hair, is covered in tattoos and is a burlesque dancer in her free time.  She has become much more settled and responsible for her in the past few years, but still this is completely shocking.  How can this be fair?!?  And to top it all off, she thought she was just barely pregnant, but went to the doctor today and is already 16 weeks along!!  She has just breezed through the entire first trimester and I could never even make it past 8 weeks!  How can life be fair when she is going to be a mother before me??  I know this sounds incredibly selfish and awful and I hate to even feel this way.  I hate that news like this can just destroy my day and make me question everything all over again.  I hate that my body won't work right for me to carry a baby more than a few weeks.  I hate that I cannot just be happy for an old friend with happy news.  I hate that I have been jaded by my experiences.  I hate that I often still feel so alone in it all.  I mean, I have friends and family to talk to about it, but it's still me that has to deal with these feelings.

So I try to focus on the positives.  I try to remember what we're working toward here and how we could have kids here in our home in the next few months.  And that's a good thing.  But today, it's hard to see past the pain and jealousy and stay focused on my own path.  Today is a hard day...

More steps

I actually let myself go in to a Babies R Us for the first time ever tonight.  Through all the pregnancies and losses, I've never let myself get my hopes up enough to go in there.  I've never actually bought any baby things and still haven't, but just going in there with my mom all excited to look around was a huge step for me.  Shannon thinks we can't think about buying a crib or anything since we don't even know what age or gender child(ren) we'll get.  I can see his point, but we also have to plan ahead.  If they call us in a few months and say they have kids for us, we have to have a room ready and a place for them to sleep.  This is one of the first questions I've have for our case manager when we meet with her soon-- what do prospective foster/adopt parents do?  How do we plan for this?  My dad and stepmom have bought cribs for all the other grandchildren in the family and have graciously offered the same for us, beds for the kids no matter the ages.  So to me, it make sense to go ahead and get one of those cribs that converts to a toddler bed or day bed or full size bed.  Then we can be prepared either way.  Just got to get Shannon on board with this crib-buying business.

When we moved in to our house three years ago, we had grand plans to repaint several rooms, etc, but haven't ever gotten around to it.  One of the rooms we plan to use for a child is painted this awful mustard yellow and has an ugly wallpaper border around the top of the room.  I finally started the project of redecorating this room in preparation for a child yesterday.  I began tackling the wallpaper border, which proved to be a much more difficult and much messier job than I'd anticipated.  But it felt good to do.  Again, this was never something I let myself do each time I was pregnant.  There was too much uncertainty then.  But we know without a doubt we will have kids in our home before too long now and it's time to start getting ready for them.  And after everything we've been through in the past few years, that feels so unbelievably good to be able to say.

Taking the Next Steps

Wow, it's been way too long since I last blogged.  I've had several things I'd wanted to write about, but never got around to it.  But today since we have positive news on our journey, I wanted to be sure to write about it.  Things are coming right along on our foster/adopt process.  We've finished our classes except for one we have to make up in a couple of weeks.  We've turned in almost all of our paperwork, including getting our CPR & first aid completed.  The state decided yesterday we don't have to have a fire inspection anymore, so check that off the list.  Shannon and I will both go get our fingerprinting/FBI background checks done tomorrow.  But the best news of all is that we have finally gotten far enough in the process to have been assigned to a case manager and she actually called us today!!  This is the person who will be responsible for our homestudy, which is really our last big hurdle logistically to getting licensed.  She is also the person who will advocate for us and help match us with the right kids for us.  It's all very exciting and so what I needed right now when things are so frustrating and unsure at work right now.  Both Shannon and I may be having major career transitions again in the very near future.  Very exciting, but very scary at the same time.  Just like the prospect of us having kids actually here in our house in the near future.  Looking back, I never would have imagined I'd be here, but am so thankful I've been led down this road!

Remembering

Today should have been the due date for pregnancy #3.  This was the blighted ovum, the only one of the babies I never got to see at all, the only one we never saw a heartbeat or anything.  It's definitely on my mind, but I don't feel so overwhelmingly sad as I have for other due dates in the past.  I feel like I've finally come to a sense of peace about these losses, like they were all part of our journey to get us to "our kids", whether our kids end up being foster or adopted or even biological one day.  Each pregnancy was special in its own way, but losing each one was a step on our path to where we're meant to be, to the children we were meant to have in our home all along.  It feels so good to write these words and to really mean it.  After so long and so much pain, it's so good to be feelin' good again.

Humor

In our foster-adopt class last night, we discussed dealing with children who have been sexually abused.  One part of it was us having to split up with men on one side of the room and women on the other.  We had to get together in our gender groups and come up with as many words for the genitalia of the opposite sex as we could list in five minutes.  It was supposed to get us used to hearing those kinds of words because our foster kids could very well come in using words like these.  Then she made someone from each group read the lists out loud to the class.  Shannon had volunteered to be the reader before he knew what the task was going to be.  It was so adorable to see him squirm up there.  That was so not like him.  He is usually so comfortable and confident in every situation, but someone about saying those kinds of words in front of a group of relative strangers really got to him.  It was nice to find a bit of humor in what can be such a serious class...

Exposed

I went to get a bikini wax today.  I was lying there half naked with my legs spread out, thinking how I could never do that job.  It's so intimate and takes such a certain person to put someone at ease in such a vulnerable position, even if you've never met before.  Then I started thinking about how that is so similar to my job as a counselor.  I figuratively ask people to sit there "naked" and open themselves up in such a vulnerable way.  I invite them to share their most intimate details of themselves with me from almost the beginning of our therapeutic relationship.  I strive to put them at ease even in their most exposed and helpless times.  I bet that esthetician thought to herself, man, I could never be a counselor...

Glow

I had an interesting encounter this afternoon.  I was just leaving work and a co-worker stopped to ask me if I am pregnant.  She said the past few times she's seen me, I've just seemed like I'm "glowing", so she had to ask.  I told her no, but we are planning on adopting and just started our foster-adopt training classes this week.  Her response:  "Well, that must be it.  You are pregnant then!"  We talked briefly about being "expecting in adoption" and how I'd read about that in an adoption book this week.  It was such a pleasant conversation and just one more reminder of how much better I'm feeling these days.  A couple of months ago, a comment like that would have completely destroyed me.  I would have cried all night over that one.  But instead now, it was such a positive thing and so encouraging to know that others can even see a positive change in me.

Deep, Dark Fears and Secrets

I was just sitting outside, enjoying a nice sunny day in my backyard reading a book.  Before I came back in, I took some time to stop by each of my babies' plants to talk with them.  It was peaceful and pleasant.  I spoke to them by name and cleaned the dead leaves and cobwebs off them, like a good little mother.  And I felt good doing it.  I actually didn't feel sad, not a tear in sight.  And that, my friends, is an amazingly good feeling.

Then I got to thinking back, in contrast, to a very different night about a month or so ago.  Shannon and I had a fight.  Over what, it doesn't really matter.  What matters is that I was still in the midst of my grief, was still so wrapped up in being so sad and lost that I couldn't see past it.  What matters is that I ended up completely breaking down, sobbing uncontrollably in a fetal position on the bed.  He came to me and asked what was wrong.  And he meant, really, what was wrong, what was truly going on in my head.  So, finally I broke down and shared with him all my deepest, darkest fears and secrets that I hadn't shared with anyone through all of this.  I know he hates to see me cry and doesn't like to see me weak and suffering, so I usually hide this front him and hold it all inside.  But that night, I finally opened up and let him in.

I told him how I'm so afraid it's my fault that we lost all the babies.  That I did something, either physically or cosmically, to lose them.  That it scares me to death to imagine that each of them was perfectly healthy, but it was my body that failed each and every time and they could not live because of me.

I told him I'm so afraid that even after all this trying and fighting to have a baby, once we do have children, it won't be enough for me.  That I'll be a failure.  That I'll still have this empty hole inside of me.

I told him I still think about the babies each and every day.  That the necklace I wear every day makes me think of them because when my mom gave it to me for Christmas, we had only lost three so far and the necklace has three butterflies on it.  How I kiss it (now four times) every so often during the day and tell them I love them and miss them.

I told him how I go talk to the babies at their special plants in the backyard sometimes.  How I call them by name.  How I've secretly named each one of them and never ever said their names out loud to another living soul.

I told him how I don't like myself lately.  That I'm not sure where to turn.  I'm not sure where to focus my energy.  Nothing I do feels good enough anymore.  I've let everyone I care about in my life down.  I'm a failure in every sense of the word.

And through it all, he was there for me.  He held me and comforted me and didn't freak out when I told him all these deep, dark fears and secrets.

Then he left the room to let me splash water on my face and collect myself, but then surprised me by coming right back and asking me to tell him to names of the babies.  It felt so strange to say their names out loud.  He had me say them over again several times and to explain why I'd chosen each name for that particular baby.  And he began to cry too.  Sweet, loving tears.  And hugged me close and truly was with me in the moment of our unique shared losses.  I felt heard and validated and understood and that means more to me than I could ever express.

Ever since then, I've felt better.  Lighter.  More hopeful.  Like I've turned a corner and can finally start to more forward.

Recently Shannon and I were sitting on the couch together, watching TV and I told him "I'm so happy being married to you lately."  He asked why and I didn't have a good response.  He said "I think it's because you're finally happy with yourself again."  And wouldn't you know it, he's right.

Baby Shower

I went to that baby shower this afternoon.  Through most of it I felt fine.  I forced myself not to think about my losses and to focus on the joy of the occasion.  And it was joyous.  But then while she was opening her gifts, it got harder.  Seeing all those adorable little things-- the tiny diapers, the sweet little onesies-- started to break my heart a little bit again.  I felt tears spring to my eyes and my heart start to race.  I just had to push all that aside for the time being.  But I finally let myself cry once I got to the car.  And then I just broke down.  Bawling.  I got home and laid down in the room that we'd always planned would be a baby's room and just cried and cried.  I gave myself permission to just let go and cry, to feel the feelings instead of pushing them away like I do so often.  I let myself feel sorry for myself.  I cried for what I've lost.  I cried for my babies.  I'm so very sad they could not live, that my body could not hold on to them.

I'm glad I'm not feeling this way on a daily basis anymore.  I'm glad I've been feeling good enough that I could even go to this shower.  I had been asking Shannon if he knew if someone was going to throw a shower for her and he said I should if I was so worried about.  No way.  I knew I was feeling okay enough to go to a shower, but not at all ready to throw one.  And that's sad too.  Sad that I even have to think about these things.

I remember when Shannon told me that these friends had found out they were pregnant.  It was just a few days after loss #3 and I was sitting on the couch.  I had just said I was feeling okay when he tells me about their brand-new pregnancy.  I completely lost it, broke down crying for the longest time.  I know he thought it would be happy news to share, but I could not even begin to see past my own grief yet.  Then a couple of weeks later, a post on Facebook from these friends with an ultrasound picture of their little one and a due date.  Ten days after I would have been due.  Ten days!  That date is quickly approaching.  Seeing how pregnant she was today definitely made me sad that I'm missing out on that experience.

I think this is the first baby shower I've been to since our I started having pregnancy losses.  I did go to one right before I got pregnant with #1, but haven't been able to since then.  I got an invitation to one as we were going to the hospital for my surgery to remove the ectopic.  For some reason, I went to check the mail before we left and opened it in the car, as we were backing out of the driveway to have our first precious baby taken away.  Needless to say, I did not go to this shower.  Could not even bring myself to call to say I couldn't go.  Never apologized to that friend for missing it.  I remember the first time I saw that baby, I had to stand on the opposite side of the room and try not to look at it.  It was such a painful reminder of what I have just lost.

I take it back.  I did go to my stepsister's baby shower last year.  That baby was born just a couple of weeks before #2 would have been due.  That shower was difficult.  I had to stand in the kitchen much of the time, avoiding the celebration.  There were tons of babies all over the shower and right before she opened presents so many of her pregnant or new mom friends got up and gave speeches about how amazing motherhood was going to be for my stepsister.  Looking back now, I'm not really sure how I made it through that one...

With each of my losses, there's been a friend or relative's baby that was born around the time mine should have been.  And now when I see those babies, it's definitely bittersweet.  I remember getting this announcement with sweet pictures of my stepsister's baby and just bawling my eyes out at the kitchen table.  I thought Shannon was still sleeping and didn't want to cry in front of him, but then he appeared behind me and was so sweet about it all.  And this new baby will be the same.  Hopefully I'll be able to celebrate in their joy too when he arrives, but it will still be a reminder of what we've lost.  They'll go home from the hospital with their precious bundle of joy and all I've ever left with is emptiness.

Big day

Yesterday was a big day for me.  I started my period and thus, officially decided it was time to stop trying to get pregnant and focus solely on adoption.  I called my ob-gyn's office to schedule a time to come in for the Depo Provera shot.  Then picked it up at the Target pharmacy (no co-pay! This is the only *free* birth control I've ever been on).  Took it to the doctor's office and had them inject it in me.  I purposely made my appointment for right after lunch because I knew it wouldn't be too busy and full of pregnant women then.  I saw one or two, but thankfully nothing traumatic about this visit.

When I was at Target, I also bought gifts for a baby shower I'm going to this weekend.  I actually went through the baby aisles without breaking down or having to run away, actually enjoyed picking out the sweet little items for this baby boy.  Okay, I'll admit I did have to avoid an aisle with a new mother and her newborn because that was just TOO much.  But overall, it was a pretty pleasant experience.

Going to this baby shower is a big deal for me too.  This is the baby that is due 10 days after my 3rd pregnancy would have been.  I have been pregnant twice and lost two babies since this little one started growing in his mother.  Needless to say, I have avoided hanging out with these friends over the past several months.  I am clearly happy for them.  She had a miscarriage several years ago too, so I know what am amazing blessing this baby is for them.  But my pain was too much to be able to share in their joy.  I'm glad I'm finally starting to feel better and will be able to go to the baby shower this weekend to celebrate their little miracle.

So, yesterday was a pretty huge day for me.  I was able to take these steps out on my new journey.  And I did it all without feeling like I was going to have a panic attack and without breaking down crying.  I'll admit I did have a few tears in my eyes as I drove away from the ob-gyn's office.  After all, I'm only human.  But I made it.  And that feels good in a way I didn't know existed a few months ago.

Shannon sent me a text this morning that read:  "I'm proud of all the hurdles you accomplished yesterday my love.  I've always known you were strong.  I love you."  Completely made my day.  What a man, what a man  :)

Balance

I woke up in such a cranky mood today.  My period is officially due today and my temperature has already dropped, so it should be here any time now.  While for part of me, that is a relief, it's also a huge sadness too.  It means I will be calling the doctor to officially be put back on birth control and stop trying to get pregnant.  So much push and pull.  Wanting to be pregnant, scared to have another loss.  But really, more than anything, I just know deep down I want to be a mother, I am meant to be a mother and it's something I will cherish and flourish in.  So I need to to focus on the positive direction we are already headed in and embrace the idea of mothering through adoption.  It may not be what we originally expected, but it's definitely right for us now.  But the loss is still there.  And it felt so present this morning.  The loss of my fertility.  Whether we try again at another point in our lives or not, that chapter is officially ending today.

I went to a yoga class tonight.  I used to go to yoga regularly several years back and have been trying to get back in to it lately.  I loved loved loved the exercise I got from it back then, but it's different for me now.  That was before we even started trying to get pregnant, back when I still trusted my body.  That's been a huge issue for me lately-- trusting my body.  But that's what yoga is all about, so I'm trying to embrace the concept and get back in to regular classes.  My practice has definitely changed.  I used to love the power yoga class, used to love pushing myself beyond my limits.  Now I'm much more likely to just hold the pose and try to focus within.  Sometimes, like tonight, I come home from class feeling so good about myself.  So energized, so powerful, both physically and emotionally.  But other times lately, the class is almost too much for me to handle.  A couple of weeks ago, when we were in relaxation at the end of class, she asked us to think of a peaceful place and for some reason, I felt like I wanted to cry.  When we finally sat up at the end, I actually had to wipe tears from my eyes.  It wasn't a pain or sadness I could identify, but an ache deep inside.

Tonight's class was "Gentle Yoga" and it was just what I needed today.  The instructor has been doing yoga forever and is very holistic and nurturing.  We started the class dancing to warm up, which I'd never done in a yoga class, but it just felt good to move.  During class, she kept talking about "finding your balance between effort and surrender".  And that statement has really struck a chord with me.  It surely applies to yoga-- in each pose you want to both push yourself physically and also honor your body.  But it also applies to life as well.  With everything you do, you've got to both reach for the stars and let go at the same time.  I love it.

Changes

I called my regular ob-gyn's office this week to see about birth control options.  I found out through my FVL online support group that I can take progesterone-only pills-- thank goodness for that group!  When I finally talked to the nurse, she said the doctor would recommend the Depo-Provera shot for me if I'm sure I don't want to try to get pregnant any time soon.  I'm still not 100% decided, but I've done a lot of reading and researching this week looking up the pros and cons of the shot vs pills.  I feel pretty well-informed on the subject now and am leaning toward taking the doctor's advice and getting the shot next week.

It's bizarre to think I may be planning to do something that would stop us from getting pregnant and for quite some time.  The shot officially works for 3 months, but often you can't get pregnant again for many months afterward (as many as 18 months).  That is both scary and comforting.  If we could know that this whole adoption process was going to go smoothly and successfully for us, then we probably wouldn't even want to really try again for a few years, if ever.  But after the past 3 years of trying so hard to get pregnant, it's crazy to think we'd be doing the exact opposite now.

My period is due on Monday, so chances are I'll be calling them to set up a time for the shot next week.  This month could have been our last shot at trying to to get pregnant for awhile.  We were definitely not trying, but weren't 100% careful all month either.  I ovulated way early and had tons of EWCM.  It was like my body was taunting me, daring me to ttc this month.  But my heart could not get on board.  I figure if by some random chance, we are did get pregnant this month, it would be meant to be and we would rejoice in it, but it's still very scary and not really the road I would willingly choose at this point in our lives.  Weird to think that I don't even have a pregnancy test in the house.  After all the tests, all the months, I'm putting that aside now.

I went to a play therapy workshop for work on Friday about adoption.  Yet another sign from the universe that this month's presentation just happened to be on adoption  :)  I wasn't sure what to expect from the talk, but it turned out to be way more personal than I was prepared for.  I had expected to hear about the warning signs of what behaviors to look for in children who have been adopted, but she focused much more on working the the family, the parents in particular.

Several things she said have stuck with me.  She talked about how in this country now we are so insistent to say that families created from adoption and biological families are "the same".  But really they're not, inherently they are not.  That's not to say that one is better or worse, but they are different and those differences need to acknowledged.

The biggest thing that I keep thinking of is she discussed the six losses you experience in infertility.  They are the loss of:
 1) control [especially when enduring physically invasive and demanding testing and treatment]
 2) genetic legacy [the dream of passing on your traits and characteristics]
 3) being able to create a jointly conceived child with your partner
 4&5) the physical and emotional journey of pregnancy and childbirth
 6) the opportunity to parent a child

Adoption only fixes the 6th loss and you still must grieve for all these other losses.  I had never thought of it like that and it struck me in such a personal way.  When she was describing these losses, I felt tears come to my eyes and for a moment I thought I might not be able to make it through this.  A couple of months ago, I would not have been able to sit through that.  My instinct told me to look for the door, the escape from this pain, but I chose to stay and learn.  I've thought about how I have definitely experienced all these losses and examples of each one in my life sprung to mind.  She talked about feeling left out with other mothers when they tell stories of their pregnancy and birth-- that's something an adoptive mother can never experience.  Something I may never experience.  And I feel that every day.

We are signed up to begin our foster/adopt classes at the end of the month.  We are still very much looking forward to this.  I've been working on our application and officially asked our some of our close friends and family members to be character references for us.  It was wonderful-- each and every one of them was so completely supportive and encouraging.  And that means more to me than I can express.

A Little Sad

I went to a wedding tonight.  Shannon had to work, so I went alone.  I had friends there, but it's not the same as having your husband there, you know?  I missed him terribly while I was there.

This was my first wedding to go to in a while where I wasn't pregnant or freshly grieving a pregnancy loss.  That felt good to be able to drink and just let go and have fun.  But at the same time, it also made me a little bit sad.  Sad for all I've been through.  Sad I still have nothing to show for all our pregnancies, no sweet little one to hold.  I try to stay focused on a positive future ahead, but sometimes I'm still just a little sad about the past...

Disappointment

I've been a bad blogger, I know.  I've thought about writing so many times in the past couple of weeks, but life has just gotten in the way, you know?

I went back to the fertility doctor last week.  To say that was a disappointment would be a huge understatement.  Just walking in the door, I wondered if this was the right thing to do.  Just the smell of the place hit me and tears sprung to my eyes.  Last time I was here I was still pregnant, just saw my lifeless baby on the ultrasound screen.  I'm so not ready to do this all over again.

Then it gets even worse.  I go to check in and the receptionist looks puzzled and says do I have an appointment?  Apparently when they called back the previous week to change the appointment time, it never got entered in the books and I was not down for anything at all.  So she goes to look me up in the database.  Finally says, oh you were supposed to be here on April 23rd.  I stare at her in disbelief.  I tell her I was there on April 23rd, found out we'd lost the baby that day.  Hello!  So she scrambles around in the back for awhile leaving me standing there wondering what I should do.  I'm really fighting back tears now, willing myself not to break down here in the waiting room.  Should I just run out the door and never look back?

She comes back and says one of the nurses will meet with me and starts to take my co-pay for the appointment.  I told her if they were trying to squeeze me in with the doctor not to bother because I didn't want to be rushed for time with her.  I was there to finally get answers and was not going to stand for being brushed aside again.  She said no, I'd just meet with a nurse and decided not to make me pay (which I can say was the only redeeming thing about the entire experience).

Finally the nurse calls me back to a room-- one of the ultrasound rooms no less, thankfully not the one where I last saw my baby.  She basically asks me why am I there.  Gives me my thyroid level results, says the doctor was happy with the level and we can start trying again now.  I'd asked for specific thyroid tests other than just TSH, but of course they hadn't run those and had no idea why I would want that sort of thing.  I asked her what they would do differently in my next pregnancy, should we decide to go that route.  She said they would not do anything different the next time around.  Would still wait to start blood thinners until a heartbeat, even though some evidence points to starting at a + pregnancy test or even before.  I tried to ask the difference between Heparin and Lovenox and why they decided to put me on Heparin last time.  She said they are the same medication, which I know for a fact is completely untrue.  She basically just said next time I get my period to call and they would prescribe Clomid for me.  I asked why would they do that when it's clear I don't have a problem getting pregnant on my own.  She tried to insist that I got pregnant on Clomid last time, which I clearly did not.  Either way, it just felt like she was trying to push another unneccessary medication on me and not at all willing to do what I thought would be best.  She said then just call us when I get a + pregnancy test and "leave the rest to us".  Gee, that was the same advice I got from the doc last time and hmm... how well had that turned out??

Then she said I should go talk to their therapist.  True, I was clearly upset and near tears, but I'm not about to go to this therapist who they clearly have a deal with if they refer patients there.  We already fell for that when they sent us to their pharmacy to fill my Heparin prescription, claiming other places wouldn't measure it correctly.  By this time I was really fed up and ready to leave, but of course people-pleaser in me is still trying to be nice to this woman.  I got her to go over my chart with me to show me what all I had tested positive for, pointing out that no one had ever explained all of this to me other than to say in passing that I was hypothyroid (which turns out is not a diagnosis at all) and had Factor V Leiden.  No one explained what that means for me now or in the future.  Before I left, since I actually had a so-called medical professional in front of me, I decided to ask what were my birth control options from now on.  Even sitting there, I had decided I was not ready to try again any time soon and wanted to move forward, focusing on adoption.  Stupid me to think she might have an answer to that.  She kept coming up with birth control options and I had to explain to her why that wouldn't work for me.  Can't take birth control pills because of increased risk of blood clots.  Can't do IUD because of my ectopic history.  In the end, she basically said she didn't know, would ask the doctor and e-mail me about it.  Big surprise that I never heard back, right?

All in all, a huge disappointment and waste of time.  It just felt like the final sign I needed that that was not the right place for me.  I am not at all ready now to go down the "trying to conceive" road right now.  Don't know if I'll ever be there again.  But I know I'm not there now and that's okay.

That evening I came home and told Shannon about the whole awful experience and he said he was relieved.  He'd never really liked that place and never trusted them, felt like they pulled a bait-and-switch on us, promising us all this individual attention that we never got after the initial appointment.  He said he'd tried to stay supportive for me, but he's glad we'll never be back there again.  So I guess there's another good thing of all of this:  Shannon and I can talk openly and honestly about the whole thing and be there to encourage one another when the road gets tough.  And boy, has it been tough...

Messages

Okay universe, we hear you.  So much recently has been telling us to pursue our idea of adoption.  I talked with my stepsister who worked for CPS for over 10 years and she recommended a certain agency named Pathways.  Then I went to a bachelorette party over the weekend and someone I met there is going through the foster/adopt process at Pathways.  My previous post was about being on a new "path".  So we signed up to go to an information meeting at Pathways last night.  On our drive there, we heard a commercial not once, but twice talking about for this Father's Day, give a child the chance for a forever family through adoption.  Then tonight, I was watching Jeopardy and one of the categories was "Adoption".  Okay, okay, we get the message!

I know you can say we're just more open to noticing these signs, that they were there all along, we're just more aware of them now.  It's like seeing pregnant women all around you after you've had a pregnancy loss.  But for once, these are good, positive signs pointing us in an amazing new direction.

We ended up being the only people attending the informational meeting last night, so we were able to really talk to the woman and ask lots of questions.  And it looks like we will actually pursue this.  Shannon and I both agree this feels right for us.  So now we have to start filling out our application, start collecting the many pieces of information they need from us and sign up for the many hours of classes we'll be required to take.

This feels good and right.  It almost feels like so much of my life has just prepared me for this experience.  All my years of working at the children's shelter, all my grad school, all my counseling experience, all my losses have led us here.  And we are ready to move forward and grow our little family.

I'm not completely putting aside the idea of biological children for now.  I also made an appointment at the fertility doctor for next week to follow-up about our most recent miscarriage and find out what the doctor's proposed plans for our future would be.  But honestly, I'm stilll more excited about the idea of adoption right now than the idea of being pregnant again.  Frankly, the idea of being pregnant is still a little too scary for me.  The idea of doing those shots and whatever else I might have to do and still having the chance for another loss.  I'm just now finally starting to feel back to "normal" now.  Not just crazy grieving lady anymore.  Not sure I want to open myself up to going back there anytime soon.  Maybe we were just meant to adopt first before before having a successful pregnancy.  And maybe, just maybe, we just weren't meant to be able to have biological children.  And maybe that would be okay.

A New Path

We are starting to explore the idea of adoption more and more.  We met with a couple last night who have adopted both internationally and domestically.  She runs a local adoption ministry, helping to link people up with various resources.  It was just good to hear her story and her advice, good to not feel so alone in this.  It can all feel so overwhelming-- there are so many options and ways to pursue.  I just wish I could fast-forward time to know how it all works for us and have the answers be more clear.  But I am beginning to feel a peace with the idea of a new journey beginning.  I'm not ready to give up the idea of biological children altogether yet, but this is the first time that I've started to feel okay with the idea of maybe not pursuing that anymore.  Maybe this adoption path is the way we are meant to go after all...

Tired

Just got back from the ER.  They did an ultrasound of my leg and didn't see anything, so they sent me home.  I'm glad not to have a blood clot or anything, but feel kind of silly now for worrying so much.  The warm sensation is still there-- who knows what that is?  It just feels like one thing after another.  Maybe I just make things worse.  Had to pay $200 just for my ER copay.  Can't wait to get the rest of that bill...  Tired of all these issues, tired of not having enough money anymore, tired of it all tonight.  Glad I have a three-day weekend now.  I can really use it now.

new worries

Kinda trying not to freak out right now.  All week I've had an area on my leg that felt warm.  I don't know how to describe it any other way.  Not warm to the touch, just a warm sensation, like it feels to me that the area is sunburned but it's not at all.  I've noticed pretty often and just told myself to dismiss it, that I'm just being a worrier.  Now it feels more warm and noticable.  And now it's swollen a bit too.  All classic blood clot signs.  I've been trying not to be overly cautious, but now I can't ignore it.  I called my regualr dr's office and they just returned my call, advising me to go to the ER.  Great.  The fun never ends...

Shoes

Over and over, I keep thinking of this poem:

"A Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.


Author Unknown

I've been feeling blue and sorry for myself all day and wishing I could just get rid of these shoes.  Wishing I could just go back to a time of innocence and joy.  Wishing I knew what the future holds...


I just had a nice moment in the backyard.  Had been reading and enjoying the nice weather when I decided I needed to visit my babies.  We have plants that I associate with each of them.  We planted the first one in memory of our first baby, the ectopic pregnancy.  The middle two, I don't remember being planted, but Shannon must have done this.  The last is a lovely hydrangea my mom gave me for Mother's Day this year.  I'd gotten upset a few days before when she'd gone on and on about how this was my sister-in-law's first Mother's Day.  Finally I'd reminded her how difficult it can be for me-- I'm a mother too, but no one notices.  No one acknowledges this for me.  So on Mother's Day, she went out of her way to give me this beautiful plant and said through tears, "Happy Mother's Day.  I'm so sorry your babies are in heaven."  It was very touching and now I can have an outward sign, a way to remember this most recent loss too.

So this evening, I stopped at each plant and talked to each of my babies.  I called them by name, the names only I know and I've never mentioned to anyone else, not even Shannon.  It was a serene moment and I'm feeling better now, a little more at peace with myself.  If only it weren't for these shoes...

Jealous

This afternoon I had to go to the dentist's to get my teeth cleaned.  This is the dentist who did my root canal last month and I had to tell I was pregnant because they had to do an x-ray.  My mom had gone since we lost this last pregnancy and told the dentist and said I didn't want to talk about it.  I've been a couple of times since because my temporary crown keeps breaking/falling off and the dentist has been very nice.  So nice even with not saying anything about the loss, but I can tell he's sorry for us.  Then this afternoon, I met with the dental hygienist who I barely know, but is clearly quite pregnant.

She looks at my chart and exclaims:  "Oh you're pregnant!"

Me:  "No.  (awful pause)  I had a miscarriage."

Her:  "Oh, that's hard."

(silence, me fighting back tears)

Her again:  "Are you okay?"

What am I supposed to say to that?  I want to stand up and scream, "No, I'm not okay!  This was my fourth, yes fourth, loss in less than 3 years!"  And all I can see is her pregnant belly mocking me, making my emptiness all the more evident.  I hate feeling like this.  I want to be able to be happy for other people, but all can feel is jealousy right now.  It took all I had not to completely break down in a puddle of tears right there in that dentist's chair.

A woman I work with is pregnant and just started telling people/showing right before I had my miscarriage.  I only have to see her once a week, but even that is painful for me.  And another co-worker brought in pictures of her newborn grandson to our weekly meeting Monday and everyone had to ooh and aah over them.  She talked about how the mother had several losses and went through lots of testing, then in-vitro, etc. to have him & that made me feel a little better, but still jealous.  Isn't that awful??  That I can only be a little happy for someone when they've had a heart-wrenching experience of loss like me?

Recently Shannon wanted us to go over to our friends' house who are pregnant and due 10 days after our pregnancy #3 would have been.  I've seen her several times since that loss and even seen her clearly showing, but just can't bring myself to be around her now after this loss.  Shannon said he thinks I dwell on this too much.  Maybe that's partly true, but it's also how I deal with loss, how I grieve.  He completely does not get this.  He even asked me the other day what would I do if I had a client that was in a similar position as I am.  He assumed I would tell them to get over it and move on.  I actually had to explain the grieving process to him and tell him how I need to feel these feelings now or they'll come roaring back later, so much worse.  I know men grieve differently, but sometimes it's amazing how different our experiences are in the same situation.

Science

I had been thinking about writing a serious post all day, but was just struck with the humor of the situation tonight.  Shannon and I were just watching a show on the science channel called "The Science of Sex Appeal" and it was explaining how all these things change in a woman's body when she is ovulating.  She will look and sound more attractive, be able to pick better sexual partners, etc.  We were talking about it and I realized Shannon has no idea about how a woman's menstrual cycle works.  He had no clue that I get my period 2 weeks after I ovulate.  No clue.  Oh my goodness.  We've been trying to get pregnant for nearly 3 years now and he has no idea of the timing of it all.  Crazy.  He said it doesn't matter to him, worrying about it makes it less fun, less likely that we'll even get pregnant.  He said I should stop worrying about it and we'd automatically get pregnant easier.  I'm both appalled and envious of his attitude.  Personally, as nice as it sounds, it would be impossible for me to go back to my naivety from before we were ttc.  I could not just ignore all the signs I'm aware of now.  I could never not know when I should be ovulating, when I should be getting my period.  Just wouldn't happen.  Anyway, I think it's a good thing being in touch with my body.  So there you have it.  Further evidence of the difference between men and women.  And what a man I have  :)

Healing

I'm feeling a little better tonight.  This loss has hit me much harder than I expected it to.  It's funny how after so many losses that I can almost compare the intensity, the affect each one had.  The first was without a doubt the most difficult.  I was completely debilitated after that one and could not re-adjust to my new normal for a very long time.  The second was hard too, but not as hard as the first.  The third was relatively easy (if there is such a thing as easy when dealing with pregnancy loss)-- maybe because I was only 6.5 weeks, maybe because we never actually saw anything on an ultrasound and hadn't started to hope as much.  It seemed like it was getting easier as time went by, like I was somehow figuring out how to cope.  But this one has really thrown me for a loop.  If I had to compare it, this loss has been about as difficult as the second one was.  There are several other similarities in this pregnancy as that one too.  We had started to really get our hopes up as we'd seen the baby & even the heartbeat with both of them.  I was about 7.5 weeks when each of those babies died.  I'd been to a wedding, then volunteered at our children's grief camp at around the same time in each of those pregnancies.  It's been difficult being around other people again this time around.  Selfishly, I just want to hole myself up at home, but I know that's not the answer in the long run.  It has been good to do that most of the week & weekend though.  But it's officially back to the real world tomorrow, back to my regular routine at work, etc.

I feel like I'm starting to heal.  I've finally stopped bleeding for the most part.  My bruises from the Heparin shots are fading.  Almost every outward sign and symptom of this pregnancy is gone.  And that feels both good and bad.  Good that my body is doing what it should to heal itself.  But sad to realize it's really over.

I'm far from ready to want to try to get pregnant again.  I'm sure we will go down that road, but for now, I'm glad to be taking a break.  Let's think of all the things I can do without a care now that I'm not pregnant:  Drink as many Cokes as I want.  Enjoy a strawberry margarita (although I still haven't drank at all since before this pregnancy.)  Take my heartburn medicine, or any other little medicine I would worry about affecting a baby.  Take a really hot bath.  Eat whatever I want (which I've certainly done this week to comfort myself, but need to curb to get myself back into better shape.)

As part of my healing, I've decided to look in to the idea of adoption.  I'm still not sure if this is the right road for us, but I'm ready to learn more and explore this as an option.  I contacted someone in my community who has adopted herself and who runs a non-profit adoption ministry.  She wrote me back immediately and hopefully we'll be meeting with her soon.  For now, it just feels good to think about that and to imagine that one day, somehow or another, we will be parents and actually have a child (or hopefully children) of our own in this very house.  Just ready for that someday to be here already...

Struggling

Really struggling

Struggling to make sense of it all

Struggling just to sit here in this office

Struggling not to cry

Struggling to imagine how I can move on

Not sure where to turn

Wish I could just crawl in a hole and disappear for awhile

Uncomfortable in my own skin

Extra-defensive

Lost

Really struggling today

Bitter/sweet

I keep thinking about how life is full of moments.  Moments bitter and sweet.  And it seems like when you've been through something traumatic like a loss, these moments just seem to get magnified and polarized more than usual.  My life has been full of moments this past week.  Some just floated by unnoticed, but many continue to spring to mind-- those bitter and sweet times that will define this week, this loss.

First, the bitter:  As I wrote before, most of the weekend at the beach with my family was fun and good for me.  But one moment in particular keeps coming back and bothering me.  I was already feeling cranky and hungry when I went in the house to make myself a sandwich.  Little did I know I would be walking in to my step-sister and sister-in-law swapping birth/labor stories in the kitchen.  It was a completely normal conversation for them to be having since they both had their first babies in the past year, but it felt like a slap in the face to me.  I felt like I was going to have a panic attack if I didn't get out of there.  I made my sandwich as quickly as I could, took it out on the front porch and ate by myself, crying and thinking how I won't have a birth/labor story for this baby, or maybe ever.  It stings even now when I'm thinking about it.

The next bitter moment happened when we went to my ob-gyn for my pre-D&C appointment on Monday.  I was really feeling okay-- resigned to what happened, even strong and ready to be there.  They called us back and put us in a room in the back to wait.  Then we could hear next door they were examining a very pregnant woman and had the Doppler measuring the baby's heartbeat.  All we could hear for several minutes was the beating of that baby's heart and it was such a stark reminder of why we were there-- our baby had no heartbeat and was already gone.  We tried humming, talking loudly, opening the door to distract ourselves, but finally Shannon went up to the front desk & told them we could not stand to wait in that room anymore.  They let us go back to the waiting room until the doctor was ready for us.  By then, I was already pretty shaken.  And of course, the waiting room was full of pregnant women, then a woman came in with a sweet newborn baby.  A little girl sitting near us turned to her father and said, "I wish we could have a baby at our house."  I wanted to stand up and scream ME TOO!!

Everywhere I turn, it feels like everyone else in the world is getting pregnant and having their perfect babies without any trouble at all.  I really think I need to take a break from Facebook after this loss.  It's bothered me some before, but this time feels especially painful as I see the pregnancy announcements & updates about births and sweet, healthy, growing babies.  It all just stings too much...

But in the midst of this sea of pain and bitterness, every once in awhile, the sweet floats up too.  I've gotten lots of e-mails, texts, phone calls from friends and family both near and far sending their thoughts and love.  Pregnancy loss always seems to be the most isolating experience for me, but it has been nice that those that knew about the pregnancy and now know about the loss have been there for us, even if it has been from afar.  One of my best friends stopped by unexpectedly this week, just to check in and to give me flowers and a card.  That is the first time someone has actually given me flowers after a pregnancy loss.  Others talked about it, but no one actually sent them.  It meant so much to me that she took the time and effort to let me know she was thinking of me.

My biggest source of sweetness this week has, without a doubt, been my husband.  I could never have gotten through this without him.  Just having him there at the doctor's office when we first found out, seeing the sadness in his eyes and him holding me while I cried was the most comforting thing I could have ever even hoped for in that moment.  The fact that he took me to Whataburger for a burger and a Coke (my ultimate comfort food) at 8:30 in the morning after our appointment.  The fact that he asked for us to be moved out of that room where all we could hear was the other baby's heartbeat.  The way he checked in on me all weekend at the beach to see how I was holding up.  In fact, he just checked on me now to make sure I'm doing okay still.

The sweetest moment that stands out the most for me is Sunday night, when I had the actual miscarriage.  I don't know how I would have made it through that experience without Shannon.  He held me, comforted me, got me a warm rag that smelled like lavender to soothe me.  He insisted on going to the bathroom with me when I knew I was going to pass the baby.  He helped me get up and walk around when lying in the bed in pain was too much.  He got me my pain pills.  He got me a Sprite and crackers when I was feeling nauseous and even let me eat them in bed while watching TV in the middle of the night, when all he really wanted to do was go to sleep.  He got pillows to prop me up and a heating pad to help with the cramping.  He was there for me in every way imaginable and that means more to me than I can ever express.

So now, as I prepare to go back to work tomorrow, I'm going to try to hold on to those sweet moments and let the bitter ones fade away.  I'm going to try to take care of myself.  I keep thinking of the lines of a She & Him song I've been listening to a lot lately:

"Well I heard you had the blues again
It seems like all those little things add up in the end
Well I know that you worry a lot about
Things you can't control
There are so many things we'd like to have
But we just cannot hold

You've got to be kind to yourself
You've got to be kind to yourself"

I'm going to try my best to be kind to myself...

Another Loss

I've thought so many times about how to begin this and there's no easy or right way.  We lost the baby.  We went in for the ultrasound on Friday and almost immediately, I knew.  I could see the baby in the sac and could clearly see there was no longer a heartbeat.  The doctor looked and looked from many angles, but there was no denying it.  It was gone.  She patted me gently on the leg and I spoke first.  "There's no heartbeat."  She said she was sorry and they would give us a minute.  Then Shannon was holding me as we cried, the reality of the situation already starting to set in.  It had happened again.  Our fourth pregnancy loss...

We've had a beach vacation with my family planned for months, so we decided to go ahead and go to the beach with everyone for the weekend.  We scheduled a D&C for Tuesday morning with my regular ob-gyn and planned to come home Sunday to get ready for the pre-op appointment Monday.  The beach was good overall.  Good to get away, relax, spend time with family.  I was able to escape and forget for moments at a time what we were going through.

But then, other times, it was right there, screaming in my face.  I am now the only one of my siblings without children.  This vacation was the first time for all of us to get together with everyone and their kids.  And it felt blaringly obvious what was missing.  Don't get me wrong-- I'm happy for all of them and love my nieces and nephews, but sometimes during the weekend it was just too much.

We were glad to get home Sunday.  I'd had a little light brown bleeding and light cramping over the weekend, but it started to increase on our drive back home.  By the time we got home I was full-on bleeding and starting to hurt quite a bit.  I took a hot bath, took a Darvocet left over from another miscarriage and went to bed.  I woke up a few hours later and was in so much pain.  Never felt anything like it before.  Like cramps only so much worse.  And it had only been 3 hours since I'd taken the pain pill.  The cramps were coming in waves and I realized this must be me in labor, getting ready to pass this baby.  I was completely freaked out, but somehow, with Shannon there to support me, made it through the night.

We went to my regular ob-gyn on Monday afternoon.  He started talking about the D&C and I told him I thought there was a chance I might have already had the miscarriage.  He did an ultrasound and we couldn't see anything like what we'd seen only 3 days before, so we cancelled the D&C and went home.  I was relieved to know the worst was over, at least physically.  I didn't know if I could handle another night like the one before.

I've been off work all week because I'm supposed to be on vacation at the beach.  I'm not sure how I'm feeling.  Depends on the moment.  Sometimes strong and determined.  Often lost and questioning.  A little weapy.  I may or may not go back to work tomorrow, can't decide.  I feel like I can't make any good decisions right now.  Lately when we've been driving or watching TV, Shannon will point out some little detail and I'm surprised because I've completely missed it.  Like I'm travelling through a fog and can't see what's right in front of me.  Not sure where to turn next...

Fears again

Fears are creeping back in tonight.  I've had some spotting today.  Not a lot.  Only brown.  And really only noticable since I have to wear a panty liner all the time with the Prometrium leakage.  But still concerning, especially with my history.  I've had a little bit of cramping too, but nothing too bad so far.

I've tried to stay so positive, but part of me is starting to worry if this might be the beginning of the end.  Thank goodness we have an appointment again on Friday so we can see how things are going.  Even if it's bad, I'd rather know now than wait until later.  For now, I'll just do my best to take it easy and appreciate what we have today.

I love you, baby, and hope you're doing well.  I pray you are growing strong and healthy inside of me.  I'm trying to do everything I can to protect you and keep you safe, sweet little one.

Drained...

I am exhausted tonight.  I volunteered at a children's grief camp all weekend and did not get near enough sleep.  I am so in need of our upcoming beach vacation, but have to make it through the week to Friday before I can really start to unwind.

Had bloodwork done on Friday to check my thyroid level.  Got the results yesterday and it was not good.  My TSH has gone up to 4.55.  I know it's expected for it to go up in pregnancy and very common to have to increase the dosage of Synthroid, but it's still concerning to me.  What if it's already gotten too high?  What if we didn't catch it in time?  What if, what if...

My stomach is so bruised from the Heparin injections.  I'm still trying to figure out how to improve the bruising, but for now it looks like I'm been punched in the stomach.  I'm sure my family is going to freak out when they see it at the beach next week.

Shannon and I have been arguing all evening since I got home from work.  Not over anything big.  I'm cranky and tired.  He's defensive over his career situation.  But no fun at our house tonight.

I promise it will all be worth it if this pregnancy turns out okay.  I'm anxious for it to be Friday again so we can get another glimpse at the baby and see how everything is doing now.  I'm trying to stay as positive as I can.

But for tonight, I am drained.

Ultrasound #2

Just got home from ultrasound #2 for this baby.  I had been much calmer and more relaxed about everything this week, but was definitely nervous and ready for the appointment to get here already.  We could clearly see the baby and it's tiny little heartbeat pretty much right away.  It's always such a relief when I can actually see that.  It's still so surreal to me that I am even pregnant.  After all this time and all these losses, it's hard to imagine this one looks like it might actually stick and we might get to bring it home this December.

The doctor said the baby was a little small and the heartbeat was a little slow, but did not seem concerned.  She explained that since it just started beating a few days ago, the parts that regulate the rate haven't quite grown yet and it should start to speed as the days go by.  And I was thrilled because compared to last week's empty sac, this was a huge difference.  There was no mistaking the growth that had taken place over the past week.  There was no wondering whether there was really a baby in there or not.

Of course a little part of me still worries because we did see a heartbeat in pregnancy #2 in October '08, then still had a missed miscarriage.  When we went back for my check-up at 9 weeks, the baby had clearly died and only measured around 7.5 weeks.  So that's still a fear.  But I can only hope that was because of my untreated hypothyroidism or my blood clotting disorder and now that we're doing all we can, things will turn out differently this time.

They ordered bloodwork to check my thyroid level today, so we'll see if I have to up my dosage on my medication for that-- I know that's pretty standard in pregnancy.  And I officially started my Heparin this morning.  I got Shannon to help me figure out how to do it and he did the first shot, but I'm going to have to give them to myself the rest of the weekend because I'm volunteering at a children's grief camp all weekend and won't be at home.  I'm nervous about it, but it really didn't hurt and the needle is teeny-tiny, so I think I can handle it.  Whatever I have to do to help support this baby, right?

We're scheduled to go back to the RE again next Friday to check the progress of the baby.  If everything goes well then, I think I'll probably be released back to my regular ob-gyn here in town after that.  I thought they'd keep me through the first trimester, but I guess not.

I was disappointed they didn't give us a print-out of the picture of the ultrasound today, but I'll just have to be satisfied with remembering our sweet little baby and it's tiny heartbeat and picturing it in my head for now.  Can't wait to go back next week and see how things are going then!