First meeting with our case manager

We had our first official meeting with our foster/adopt case manager this morning.  She came to our house and sat down with us to start to get to know us before our incredibly intimate and intimidating homestudy interview that we'll have next month.  I really liked her.  She was warm and honest with us about both the good and the bad of the process.  We gave her a tour of our home.  She said we were great and our home seemed very peaceful and welcoming.  She answered all our questions and tried to give us an idea of what to expect.  All in all, it went great and we were left with a very positive feeling about it all.

The one ironic thing I have to mention is that it turns out our case manager is pregnant.  Very pregnant, due in December.  Just dawned on me when I typed that that I should have been due in December with pregnancy #4.  But the weird thing was that her pregnancy didn't bother me.  With all the turmoil over recent pregnancy announcements in my life, this one felt fine.  Not a twinge of jealousy.  While we were talking, she asked if infertility was an issue for us.  Knowing this will be heavily covered in our homestudy, I just gave her the basics: that we've had 4 losses, aren't trying now, not sure about the future.  She was so considerate and told us a little of her story.  Tried for 12 years for her first baby, various losses and issues through that time.  Finally had a baby through IVF 5 years ago and now this current pregnancy was a complete surprise.  Doctors had told her she would probably never get/stay pregnant without IVF, but here she is.  So it was both hopeful and comforting to know we're not alone and she "gets it".  She's one of our people.

Of course this also means she'll be having her baby and going on maternity leave relatively soon after we get licensed, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it...

All in all, a good day so far.  Finally feels like we're getting back on track and moving forward in a positive way again.  Feels good to be here again  :)

Embracing change

By nature, I do not like change.  I'd really rather things to be safe and predictable.  So what's going on with me now?  Why am I inviting all these huge changes into my life now??

I turned in my two weeks notice at work today.  I just decided this was the best decision for me and my (hopefully quickly growing) family.  I still plan on working, but don't have anything definite lined up yet.  Lots of possibilities.  Much more focused on flexiblity and me having more control in things.  Much more private, independent work.  Which is also scarely, because big parts of me really prefer not having to make decisions.  But should be better for many reasons, the biggest of which is our future children.

Just the idea of foster/adopting is, in and of itself, inviting HUGE changes into our lives.

Our upcoming trip to Costa Rica will be full of spontaneous and unpredictable decisions.  This vacation is what I want to focus on now.  We'd been wanting to take one last big trip before having children and now we're making it happen.  We leave in two weeks and I'm so excited.  I was telling someone about this trip and they said, "Oh, you're going on a 'babymoon'".  I considered this for a minute and decided I like the idea of this.  And it's even better because, unlike traditional 'babymoons', I won't be pregnant and will be able to drink and do whatever else I want like ziplines, rafting, etc.

So I guess there is a balance in inviting change and finally getting what you want and deserve in life.  Maybe it's just about growing up.  Either way-- bring it on, change, bring it on!

A little better

So after everything yesterday, Shannon came home after work and was so sweet and supportive.  He said "Screw 'em" about my work problems and told me not to worry about it, we'll figure it out, go ahead and quit and we'll be okay.  Then he decided we should go water our babies together.  So we went out in the backyard even though it was already after dark and watered each of the plants for our babies.  We talked about each one briefly and he asked me to remind him of their names.  It felt good to be heard and validated.

Feeling better about it all today.  So glad it's the weekend and I'll get a chance to go out with the girls tonight.  It's much needed.  So here's to focusing on the positive, but also embracing the negative when it comes my way!

Is this some kind of test or something??

Wow.  This week just continues to challenge me.  First, my old friend announces her pregnancy.  Everyone tells her what an amazing mom she'll be and how amazing the news is.  I've just started coming to terms with this when... boom!  I just checked my e-mail only to have gotten the news that yet another friend is pregnant.  She got married on the 4th of July and got pregnant on the honeymoon!  On the honeymoon!!  And of course, everything is going great for her.  AAAHHHHH!!!  I'm so jealous of this news that I could scream!

I swear I am seeing pregnant people everywhere.  They're everywhere on Facebook. I see cute little bellies at every store I go to.  It feels just like after I've had a loss and like everyone is pregnant and happy but me.  I hate being back here again!!

And now work is throwing a curveball my way too.  Without going in to too much detail, things have not been going well there lately.  I questioned some unethical practices recently and this was met with an attack against me.  Plus they are asking more than they should of me because I am the only licensed counselor there-- but are not willing to pay me any more, of course.  The breaking point came today.  Shannon and I have been discussing taking one last big vacation next month before we get kids.  We booked everything last night and are so thrilled about our plans!  So I turned in my leave request at work today and it was officially denied.  So now it seems that it's all being decided for me.  Looks like I'll be turning in my resignation soon.  I can only think this is all happening for a reason as we're planning for big changes in our family.  I had thought about changing jobs once we had kids, maybe just working part time or doing contract work.  But apparently the universe is telling me its time to make that change sooner rather than later.

I do deep down think this will all turn out for the best.  But really.  How much do I have to take this week?  Please, no more happy pregnancy announcements this week at least, ok?

Struggling again

Two posts in one day.  You know things must be either really good or really bad.  I went to yoga tonight in an effort to take care of myself after a rough day.  Most of the class was good, but I also ended up feeling really sad.  Something about yoga just brings you inward and brings out strong emotions, whether those be positive or negative.  Many times tears sprang to my eyes.  Yes, I felt powerful and thankful for the strength of my body, but sad at my body's shortcomings too.  It just brought it all out to the surface.  So I came home and cried in the shower.  I don't want to tell Shannon how sad I'm feeling tonight-- he hates to see me feeling weak.  So I needed to write again tonight.

After my shower, it suddenly dawned on me what today is.  Today two years ago should have been the due date for baby #1, the ectopic.  I really try not to dwell on these dates anymore and don't necessarily think about them, but today...  It's only fitting with the news of my wild, often irresponsible friend getting pregnant without even trying.  So tired of the struggles tonight...

Jealousy again

Today is a hard day.  Wow.  I just got some crazy news.  My oldest friend who I've known since I was 5 just told me she is pregnant.  And while outwardly I'm happy for her, inside I'm so shocked and jealous that I can barely think straight.  I hate to be judgemental, but this is the last person I can imagine pregnant and having a baby.  She isn't married, doesn't even live with her boyfriend.  Up until recently, she had blue hair, is covered in tattoos and is a burlesque dancer in her free time.  She has become much more settled and responsible for her in the past few years, but still this is completely shocking.  How can this be fair?!?  And to top it all off, she thought she was just barely pregnant, but went to the doctor today and is already 16 weeks along!!  She has just breezed through the entire first trimester and I could never even make it past 8 weeks!  How can life be fair when she is going to be a mother before me??  I know this sounds incredibly selfish and awful and I hate to even feel this way.  I hate that news like this can just destroy my day and make me question everything all over again.  I hate that my body won't work right for me to carry a baby more than a few weeks.  I hate that I cannot just be happy for an old friend with happy news.  I hate that I have been jaded by my experiences.  I hate that I often still feel so alone in it all.  I mean, I have friends and family to talk to about it, but it's still me that has to deal with these feelings.

So I try to focus on the positives.  I try to remember what we're working toward here and how we could have kids here in our home in the next few months.  And that's a good thing.  But today, it's hard to see past the pain and jealousy and stay focused on my own path.  Today is a hard day...

More steps

I actually let myself go in to a Babies R Us for the first time ever tonight.  Through all the pregnancies and losses, I've never let myself get my hopes up enough to go in there.  I've never actually bought any baby things and still haven't, but just going in there with my mom all excited to look around was a huge step for me.  Shannon thinks we can't think about buying a crib or anything since we don't even know what age or gender child(ren) we'll get.  I can see his point, but we also have to plan ahead.  If they call us in a few months and say they have kids for us, we have to have a room ready and a place for them to sleep.  This is one of the first questions I've have for our case manager when we meet with her soon-- what do prospective foster/adopt parents do?  How do we plan for this?  My dad and stepmom have bought cribs for all the other grandchildren in the family and have graciously offered the same for us, beds for the kids no matter the ages.  So to me, it make sense to go ahead and get one of those cribs that converts to a toddler bed or day bed or full size bed.  Then we can be prepared either way.  Just got to get Shannon on board with this crib-buying business.

When we moved in to our house three years ago, we had grand plans to repaint several rooms, etc, but haven't ever gotten around to it.  One of the rooms we plan to use for a child is painted this awful mustard yellow and has an ugly wallpaper border around the top of the room.  I finally started the project of redecorating this room in preparation for a child yesterday.  I began tackling the wallpaper border, which proved to be a much more difficult and much messier job than I'd anticipated.  But it felt good to do.  Again, this was never something I let myself do each time I was pregnant.  There was too much uncertainty then.  But we know without a doubt we will have kids in our home before too long now and it's time to start getting ready for them.  And after everything we've been through in the past few years, that feels so unbelievably good to be able to say.