Shoes

Over and over, I keep thinking of this poem:

"A Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.


Author Unknown

I've been feeling blue and sorry for myself all day and wishing I could just get rid of these shoes.  Wishing I could just go back to a time of innocence and joy.  Wishing I knew what the future holds...


I just had a nice moment in the backyard.  Had been reading and enjoying the nice weather when I decided I needed to visit my babies.  We have plants that I associate with each of them.  We planted the first one in memory of our first baby, the ectopic pregnancy.  The middle two, I don't remember being planted, but Shannon must have done this.  The last is a lovely hydrangea my mom gave me for Mother's Day this year.  I'd gotten upset a few days before when she'd gone on and on about how this was my sister-in-law's first Mother's Day.  Finally I'd reminded her how difficult it can be for me-- I'm a mother too, but no one notices.  No one acknowledges this for me.  So on Mother's Day, she went out of her way to give me this beautiful plant and said through tears, "Happy Mother's Day.  I'm so sorry your babies are in heaven."  It was very touching and now I can have an outward sign, a way to remember this most recent loss too.

So this evening, I stopped at each plant and talked to each of my babies.  I called them by name, the names only I know and I've never mentioned to anyone else, not even Shannon.  It was a serene moment and I'm feeling better now, a little more at peace with myself.  If only it weren't for these shoes...