Christmas Card

I just created our Christmas card and am loving them this year!!

Photo Card

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Tough

Tough Mommy day today. We went to the park for a playdate with my mommy's group. We did a Christmas craft and she was so calm and quiet and well-behaved. We went to play on the playground and she was fine. Until she wasn't. Not sure what set her off, but she was screaming (not just crying a little, literally screaming at the top of her lungs) up on the playscape and wouldn't calm down. I tried going up there. Didn't help. Finally had to carry her off to the car still screaming, now kicking and hitting and biting too. Just a little embarrassing in front of all the other moms...

She screamed the entire way home. She screamed for me to turn the music off. I did. She kept screaming. So I turned the music way up. Still screaming.

I vowed I would stay calm in the situation. Reluctantly, I didn't. She kept screaming and kicking and hitting and spitting all the way inside. I got everything ready for naptime and she kept screaming. Needless to say, it didn't end well. I ended up in tears too and with a fat, bloody lip.

But now she's sleeping. Fell right to sleep. I don't know how she could have been so tired when we slept in this morning. She's definitely sleeping and eating more this past week, so we keep saying she must be growing.

We have so many pleasant moments. When she decides to be in a good mood, she is so much fun and we have the best time together.

This past hour was not our best moment. We had another bad morning last week when I had planned to put up and decorate the Christmas tree. I was in tears by the time by mom came over to help us.

I hate feeling like a bad mom. Like I'm failing my daughter.

I hope this afternoon goes more smoothly...

Happy Adoption Day!

I can't believe it's already been a whole year since we officially adopted Payton. It feels like this year has flown by and she has grown so much. Then again, it feels like she's always been a part of us. We had a low-key family celebration today to commemorate our special day. We talked a lot about special memories from a year ago and looked at pictures from the day. By the end of the night, even Payton was singing "Oh, happy adoption day!"

Reading the special book Mommy & Daddy recorded

Measuring how much she's grown

This is the blanket she was given at her adoption ceremony last year

My mom made this one special for her

Favorite meal of meatloaf and cheesy potatoes

And of course Oreo cake for dessert!

Heartbeats

How to make yourself feel young: Spend some time sitting in a cardiologist's waiting room. Then go stand in line to vote. This was my Tuesday morning and I was feeling like a very youthful 33-year-old. Then I ruined it all by spending the afternoon/evening with all teenage clients, who make me feel ancient at time. I don't know much of the music they listen to, I don't have a smartphone... I guess I ended up balanced out, but it was a long, strange day.

I decided to break down and go to the cardiologist recently because I sometimes feel my heart skip a beat. Truth be told, I've felt this off and on for at least the past ten years (possibly longer), but have denied it and never mentioned it to anyone until about a month ago. After a day that I noticed it happening several times, I asked my loving husband if he ever feels this sensation. He looked at me like I was crazy, replied no and that's not normal. Then I talked with other friends and family about it, all of whom convinced me that I need to get it checked out.

I felt silly at my first appointment, having to say this is something I've had for many years but never ever mentioned to any medical professional before. It's like I had to admit that now I finally feel like an adult and like I'm not invicible and I need to take care of myself so that I can be here for years to come. I honestly feel like the shift came when I became a mother. Once that feeling sets in, it changes you forever. I know it's cliched, but it is so true. The idea of me falling over dead one day because I never got this little heart thing checked out and leaving my child behind motherless is the main reason I finally got around to calling a cardiologist.

Chances are, it's nothing big. He couldn't diasnose me on the spot, but said it's probably PVC's and it can be quite common. He said I probably even have them more often than I notice and it can be harmless. The cardiologist even said he has this. But just to be sure, he ordered some tests. I had to wear a holter moniter for 24 hours this week (basically a device that's attached to your chest and records your heart actions the entire time.) This was uncomfortable and awkward, but not quite as bad as I had imagined.

I also had an echocardiogram (sonogram of my heart) yesterday. This was interesting. Cool to see my heart beating up there on the screen and have the tech point out all the different parts. I've seen Payton have several of these and I knew it would be no big deal. But then again, there's always that pregnancy loss side of me looming in the background. Every once in awhile during the test, she would turn on the volume and there would be the sound of my heart beating filling the room. And I couldn't help but flashback to those times when I lay on other exam tables and had very different ultrasound experiences. The times I saw my tiny babies, the times there were little hearts beating inside of me, the times we saw that those hearts had stopped beating, those times when there was nothing to see because the baby was lost. That heartbeat sound always bothers me for those reasons. We have a lullaby CD that I like a lot and used to play for Payton while she was napping when she was a little baby. The last track on that CD is just a heartbeat, like a baby would here in its mother's womb. This track always disturbed me and I actually had to re-record the CD, but without that track on it.

I'll go back to the cardiologist next week to meet with the doctor and hear the results of my tests and where we go from there. Hopefully it's nothing big. Hopefully I have a long and healthy life ahead. But either way, I'm glad I went. Glad I went to get this checked out. How grown-up of me...

Adoption conference

I went to an adoption conference today. I was there with many hats on-- as a therapist who works with foster children, as a member of our local child welfare board (who I'm so thankful to since they paid for me to attend this), but most of all, I chose to go as an adoptive mom. It's the first time I've been to an adoption conference and the most excited I've been about a training in awhile. The presentations today were good and definitely got me thinking. I'm looking forward to going back tomorrow, just wish I didn't have to drive quite so far to get back there again. (I was stuck in awful traffic on the way home and nearly ran out of gas, which is sooo not like me...)

The final presenter today was the director of the agency we used when we fostered and adopted Payton. I had never actually met her before, but had heard good things about her and enjoyed her presentation. After it was over, I took the time to go introduce myself and say thank you for her part in making us a forever family. She took one look at my nametag and knew exactly who I was and could even identify what neighborhood I live in even though it's nowhere near where we were or where she lives. That's just one reason why we loved our agency. It's been almost a year since we've had any official contact with them, but I was still treated like family by this woman I'd never even met. I'm always telling people what a great experience we had with them and we will definitely use them again when we're ready to grow our family.

Big girl

Sleep has been an issue in our house for quite a while. I remember when I spoke on the phone with the woman who ran the group foster home where Payton was placed before coming to us and she told me what a great baby she was and how she sleeps through the night. She didn't always sleep through the night with us, but she was able to put herself to sleep when she was a little baby. I can only imagine that was from being more alone in the NICU or the group foster home. But then she was our little baby and we wanted to nurture her and help her attach to us. And boy, did she attach. She got to the point where she couldn't even begin to get to sleep if we weren't right there- feeding her, rocking her, bouncing her, whatever worked. Once she started crawling and pulling up to stand, she stopped being able to put herself to sleep anymore. All she wanted to do once you put her in her crib was to practice her new skills. I remember her standing there, gripping on to her crib, not knowing how to let go and lay herself back down. So I'd pick her up and rock her to sleep.

I know we taught her these bad habits. Even after working with so many little ones through the years, we did all these things I swore I would never do with my own child. We always let her fall asleep in our arms on the couch, then moved her to bed once she was really asleep. When she cried in the middle of the night, I always got up with her and gave her a bottle (or sippy cup of her yummy, full of calories Pediasure) to help her fall back asleep. In our defense on that one, at some points our pediatrician was so worried about her low weight that she thought of having us wake her up just to feed her in the middle of the night, so it seemed like we had to get up with her every time she cried. We rocked her and bounced her and let her fall asleep in her jump-a-roo instead of her soothing herself to sleep.

And it was getting bad. She was taking forever to fall asleep on the couch in our arms lately and you just knew she was exhausted but manipulating you however she could to stay up. She was getting up multiple times in the night and just when you thought she was asleep and carrying her back to her bed, she was groggily lift her head and say "Living room. Back to couch." And you'd have to do it all over again and again until she finally stayed asleep once she lay her in bed. And you breathed a sigh of relief, but by that point you were wide awake and so frustrated with the situation.

We've talked for months about making big changes to Payton's bedtime routine and always backed down when the time came. But finally this week, we decided she was ready. Or maybe I should say we were ready. Whatever the case, we finally did it. We stopped holding her to fall asleep. We're still reading books together and drinking her cup on the couch, but then she goes to her bed by herself. We have her put her cup and books away herself and walk to her room to help give her a sense of control (this is big for our strong-willed little one). We say goodnight to everything in her room, put her in her crib, tuck her in and leave the room, closing the door behind us. And she cries. But it's working. Now, at 2+ years old, "crying it out" is finally working for us. When we used to try cry it out, she would make herself cough until she threw up in her bed. But we've done it for 3 bedtimes and 2 naptimes now and it's working like a charm. Today at naptime, she did cry/play/sing at the top of her lungs in her bed for about 45 minutes before falling asleep, but she did finally fall asleep on her own. And at bedtime tonight, she cried for less than five minutes before falling asleep! And now that we're closing her door, we don't have to hear every little peep she makes in the middle of the night. Her bedroom is right across from ours and I'm a light sleeper, so we've pretty much always heard her when she wakes up. But since we started this change, we've slept through the night too! I'm sure I could still hear her if she really needed us in the middle of the night, but she's plenty big enough to sleep through the night now.

It's gone so smoothly that I've started to ask myself why we never did this earlier. But then I have to stop and realize we weren't ready earlier and if we'd tried this a couple of months ago, it might have had a terrible response and things could have been even worse. She bigger now and able to handle so much more than I always give her credit for. I'm having to step back now and remind myself often that she's not a baby anymore and she can do so much on her own. Like she doesn't remind me. One of her favorite words is "self" as in, "Payton do it self". She doesn't do anything like a baby now. She feeds herself with her own fork/spoon, she put herself to sleep, she's potty training, she uses words to ask for things instead of crying. Yes, all these things are a work in progress and we still have days where none of these work and she cries and melts down over and over. But really, I'm so very proud of my "big girl".

Adoption world

We went today to try and change Payton's social security number. This is something our foster/adopt agency highly recommended and it was even written into our adoption court order. (The reason being that her biological family could have access this number and try to use it fraudulently.) I had heard mixed things about how successful this might be, so I went in knowing it might be difficult. The man we talked to was very nice and tried to be as helpful as he could be, but they refused to change her number. He asked his supervisor and read through the regulations closely, but it stated that there already has to some abuse or fraud to authorize changing the number. That's great-- we have to wait until Payton is older and she tries to get a job or get credit somewhere to find out that it's already been ruined. Hopefully that's not the case. Hopefully no one in her biological family would ever do that. I try to think the best, but you never know. I just want what's best for my daughter.

About a month ago, I'd been thinking a lot about Payton's biological mother for some reason. She was just on my mind, wondering where she is, how she's doing and hoping she is well. I even stalkingly looked her up on Facebook. She was surprisingly easy to find. She hadn't had anything posted on there in months, but it did have several pictures from the past year, one possibly even of Payton's siblings that live in another state with relatives. Also, under the section where it says "Who inspires you?" she had written "My kids". This struck me as both so sweet and so sad. I'm glad to know she feels this way and would be proud to tell Payton this one day. But at the same time, it's heartbreaking to know she feels this way when she is unable to parent any of them, when none of them live with her, whether by choice or not.

Around this same time, we also finally received our copy of Payton's file from CPS. Most of it was the same as what we had read at the office right before the adoption, but there was a section in the beginning outlining all the contact CPS had with various family members, etc shortly after Payton was born. There was a family member in another state who almost got custody of her, who had a plane ticket in hand to come pick her up from the NICU until they found out a major piece of negative information about that family member at the last minute. We were that close to having someone else take our daughter and we never would have met her... It also said in the file that Payton's biological father visited her at the NICU a few times right after she was born. I had never heard anything like this before. Her mom had said he was there at the birth, but I'd never known he visited her on his own afterward. He quickly fell out of the picture and was nowhere to be found by the time we got involved, but I'm glad I'll be able to tell Payton about him visiting one day.

There are so many little things like this that pop up when you're dealing with adoption. Things that people with biological children never even have to consider. And this makes me sad sometimes. At the time I was thinking so much about her biological mom, there were times I would look at Payton and think, "I'm parenting someone else's child." I remember reading in adoption books that some moms felt like this at first. I didn't at first because I was so careful to remind myself that she was a foster child at that point, not my child. I feel guilty when I think like this. Then I turn around and Payton is doing something just like me and I'm reminded that she is, in fact, my daughter.

Don't I get a gold star?

I feel like I should get some kind of mommy award today. Not only did I care for our strong-willed two-year-old with love and patience (most of the time), but I also did laundry and dishes, mowed the front and back yard, went to the grocery store and worked 5+ hours (earning approximately what my husband makes in a 40-hour work week). When I told Shannon this tonight, he looked at me like I was crazy. Oh, the life of a mom...

Feeling good again

I kept my new nephew for about an hour the other morning while my sister-in-law went to a doctor's appointment. It went well overall, but boy was Payton jealous. She did not like it when I was holding the baby at all. She kept telling me to hold her instead. She's had some extra moody terrible two days this week and that was definitely one of them. She did have some sweet moments with the baby where she helped hold his bottle and give him kisses on the head, but overall she seems completely over why we would make all this fuss over this little thing that just lays there and sleeps all the time.

I really enjoyed spending time with him though. There's just nothing like a sweet, sleeping newborn in your arms. My sister-in-law spent the rest of the afternoon with us and that was good for our relationship too. We don't spend too much time hanging out without the rest of the family, so this was good. I'm hoping now that we're both mothers and have more in common right now that we can be closer.

I'm not feeling that jealousy anymore. It's good that she's not pregnant anymore. She's still very much recovering from having the baby and the c-section and I do not envy any of that. I vaguely remember how much my laparoscopic surgery hurt, so I can only imagine how she feels. And now she's still looking and feeling six months pregnant, leaking from everywhere and not feeling like this is her body at all. I am glad not to be there and can easily say I'm fine with never experiencing that.

It's good to be feeling good again :)

Here are a couple of pictures I loved from this weekend when Payton was being sweet with her new cousin:

New baby

Well, I made it through Shannon's sister finally having her baby. And I have to say, all in all, it was a good experience for me. I worked a long day on Monday while she was being induced and got home just before they got the news she was having a c-section. So we went to the hospital and got to be some of the first people to hold him after he was born. It was just me, Shannon and his brother-in-law in the room with this sweet newborn baby. I'm glad I was there for it. I'm happy I got to hold a baby who was less than an hour old. Shannon was so excited, it was adorable. And I was all wrapped up in the excitement too. I have to say, there's just nothing like getting to hold a brand new baby like that.

Then we had to sit in the waiting room with my in-laws for what seemed like an eternity while his sister was in recovery before we could see her and the baby again. That got really long and uncomfortable. But I survived. Thankfully, the labor and delivery floor was unrecognizable to me.

We took Payton to meet her new cousin the next day. She hated the hospital itself (the smell, everyone in scrubs making her think she's at a doctor's appointment, being enclosed in a small room with too many people, etc) so that was not a pleasant experience. She was sweet with the baby, but mostly cried while we were there, then got kicked out of the room since she wasn't supposed to be there in the first place. I'm really looking forward to going to visit the new little family this weekend so Payton can be more comfortable in getting to know the baby.

I thought I'd have more to report about this experience. It was sad at times, but also good for me. I've still felt a little down and irritable more than usual this week, but nothing like before. I'm just glad the pregnancy is over and now we get to enjoy this sweet little baby  :)

Hush little baby

Today we were reading a nursery rhyme book that we recently got. My mom had told me earlier in the week that Payton had nearly started crying when she saw a picture of a mommy rocking a baby to sleep. My mom assumed that Payton was just missing me while I was working and said it was so sweet.

We got to that page this afternoon and it was the lullaby "Hush Little Baby", so I was singing it to Payton. This is not a lullaby I have ever sang to her before. But she had such a reaction to it, like nothing I've ever seen before. She crawled up into my lap and buried her head in my chest, obviously needing comfort. As I continued to sing, she honestly looked like she was about to cry. And it wasn't her usual whiny cry or anything like that. It was a truly sad cry, quiet with big tears. It was an emotion I'm not sure I've ever seen in her like this before.

She had me sing it again and had the same reaction. I showed it to Shannon and he sang it for her. Same reaction. She asked for it again later and I just couldn't bring myself to sing it again.

All I can think is that she's experiencing a memory. Someone must have sung this to her in her past. Maybe it was a nurse at the NICU (although she was pretty young there) or someone at the group foster home who cared for her.

It made me cry too. And I don't cry often these days...

Resentment

My sister-in-law will be having her first baby any day now. And frankly, I can't wait. Can't wait to meet our new nephew, can't wait to see how Payton reacts to her new little cousin, can't wait for her to actually have a cousin nearby that we can see often and they can really grow up together. But most of all, I can't wait for my sister-in-law to not be pregnant anymore. I've had more than enough of hearing her complain about the pregnancy and all its difficulties. I'm not minimizing her pain or anything, but it's like no one even remembers that it might be difficult for me too. She says things like how she can never get comfortable or sleep anymore and everyone is like "Oh I would not want to be in your shoes" and I'm over there thinking "Hello, I would!"

I'm still at a point where I think we will not try for a biological child again, but if I could somehow know that it could be successful and "easy" to get and stay pregnant, I probably would then. I just can't bring myself to try again knowing there's a good chance of only suffering more losses and more pain. Even though I've come to this decision, it doesn't mean it's been an easy one. It doesn't erase the pain of the losses we had. Nothing erases that, not even the joy that Payton brings.

I'm both looking forward to and dreading the actual birth of our new nephew. He will be born in the only hospital here in our little hometown. The hospital where I had my laparoscopic surgery to remove the ectopic pregnancy, the one where I had my D&C for the missed miscarriage. The D&C was on the actual labor and delivery floor, so I'm worrying about triggering the trauma of that when we visit them at the hospital (although my D&C experience was a good one and the nurses where the nicest there, it was still understandably a tough time). I've heard that they've recently renovated the labor and delivery floor, so I'm hoping that it's unrecongizable to me. We recently found out that she's supposed to be induced Sunday evening if nothing happens before. That means he'll most like be born on either Monday or Tuesday, which I have to admit is a relief because I acutally have to work long hours on both those days. I do want to see them and share in the celebration, but I don't know how much sitting around a labor and delivery room I could do without breaking down eventually.

Most of the time I feel okay. This is not an all-emcompassing sadness like it was before. But there are more moments lately when it just hits me and knocks me off-guard. I've gone to a couple of playdates with my local mom's group recently. Inevitably, someone there is pregnant or they're telling pregnancy/birth stories. And I sit there feeling left out and sad that I have nothing to share.

I had gotten to a point where I was feeling okay about seeing pregnant people, but it's been bothering me again lately. It's not like it was before. Not the searing pain when I saw a woman with a cute little baby bump, but now it's more of a deep ache of resentment. Sadness at the realization that will never be me. Hurt that my body could not ever hold on to our babies. Grief that I'll never get to experience that miracle of life.

It just never goes away completely.

Diversity

I went to a training on diversity today. It was informative and helpful for my work, but nothing really new.

I came home this afternoon and "played people" with Payton. I recently got out a dollhouse and dollhouse people for her and she absolutely loves to take the people out of the box, make them sit down and group them together.

I was watching her play and just loving the way she groups the "families" together with no regard for differing races. I love that the fact black fireman can be the daddy to the white little girl and that she thinks nothing of it. I remember having clients as young as 4 or 5 who already group all the blond people together as an appropriate family and have trouble thinking outside of this box.

I hope Payton can always hold on to this sense of belonging regardless of outside differences. We clearly do not look alike in our family, but I hope she'll always know she belongs with us.

How's that for a diversity lesson?

Our own little barometer

It has been rainy this week and boy, does this bother Payton. She really seems to be physically affected when a storm is rolling in. She's already strong-willed and a two-year-old, so this makes for a super cranky and loud little girl. It always seems to happen when we're trying to put her to sleep (a time that is already pretty difficult some days). She'll be fussy and showing all the signs of being sleepy, but once it's time for her to actually fall asleep, she fidgets and rolls all around, refusing to settle to sleep. It actually took us 2 1/2 hours to get her to sleep the other night. Once it finally starts to rain, she's okay and will sleep soundly. But that build up to the storm is terrible for her. At naptime today, she was doing all her tricks to keep herself awake and seeming uncomfortable, then literally it started raining and she fell right to sleep within a minute or two. We're definitely ready for this stormy weather to end now...

Big day in toddlerhood

It was a big day at our house yesterday. Payton finally got to ride in a forward-facing car seat for the first time. We had been hoping she would be 20 pounds by the time she turned 2 and we just eeked by. She was unsure at first, but liked it. She asked lots of questions while we were driving, but did say "Wheee!" when we pulled out of the driveway.

She also pooped in the potty for the first time yesterday too. Pretty sure she was a little traumatized by it and won't be wanting to try that again for a little while. I got out her potty seat today and she clearly said "No, all done." Still, my baby is growing up...

Perspective

I joined a local moms' group a few months ago. With work I'm not able to go to all the events, but we've been to a few and started to meet some new people. We went to a playdate last week. I got an email today that the two-year-old girl whose house we went to last week died. Drowning accident, it said. I'd only met the family the one time, but it's really hit me. Here we are celebrating Payton's birthday while that family is grieving the loss of their little one. Really puts everything into perspective. I definitely snuggled Payton a little longer and a little tighter tonight at bedtime...

Happy Birthday!!

Today is Payton's 2nd birthday. I can hardly believe I have a two-year-old daughter.

Here are some of the adorable things she is doing lately:

• You’re talking so much more these days. You are definitely in the “language explosion” stage right now.


• You’re becoming such a big girl, with such a fun, strong personality.

• You’re starting to sing songs on your own. Your favorites are “ABC’s”, “Bingo” and “Old McDonald”. You recognize each and every song on your favorite CD right away and typically sing the last word of each line.

• When you sing your “ABC’s”, you mostly just say A-B-C, then H-I-J-K (your favorite group of letters right now). You also like the letter X.

• The way you count: when we say 1, you automatically say 2, knowing something fun usually happens after 3. You also like to say 8-9-10 over and over.

• You’ve learned to say your name. It is especially the adorable way you say our last name when we prompt you with your first and middle names.

• You recognize our neighborhood the minute we turn in, saying “Payton house” over and over. You also do this at Nana’s neighborhood.

• You like to help clean up, making sure everything goes in its right place. If someone gets up from where they’re sitting, you go over, pat the seat and say their name to remind them that’s their spot.

• I love the way you run to me when I get home, saying “Mommy home” so sweetly.

• You love little babies now. You are still talking about baby Farrah over 2 months later after our trip to California.

• You usually tell on yourself when you do something you know you shouldn’t have done. You’ll come running in the room, saying “No Payton, no Payton” and will lead us to what needs to be fixed.

• Your dancing and jumping are the same thing right now (both are a little hop/skip move).

• You know the routines of the day, like bath always comes after dinner and cup comes after night-night books.

• You are super clingy with me lately, definitely preferring me over anyone else right now. Sometimes when Nana comes over now, you start to cry because you know I’ll probably be leaving for work soon. The other evening when I got home, you said “Bye Nana, see ‘morrow” to make sure I was staying with you.

• You love to dip your food (in ketchup, ranch, etc) and usually end up just eating the dip itself.

• You absolutely love to play chase, laughing and screaming when we play along.

I feel so absolutely lucky and blessed to be your mommy!!! I love you Sweet Pea!

Birthdays and triggers

Today is my 33rd birthday.

I had my annual gyn exam this morning. I know, who schedules this for their birthday, right? Just happened to fall that way. As usual I was a little apprehensive about the appointment. Not because I have anything going on right now. It's just going to that office triggers a little piece of PTSD in me. I flashback to the other times I sat in that waiting room, the other times I sat on that exam table wondering what kind of news we would have from this pregnancy this time around. I was the last patient before lunch, so I was worried they'd be running behind and there would be a million happily pregnant women in the waiting room to rub it in my face. But it wasn't bad at all. Once I was in the exam room, I did have to do a little deep breathing to relax, but no major traumas. No heartbeats in the next room this time (thank God). There was a moment when I was waiting where I felt tears wanting to spring to my eyes. I hardly ever cry over these losses anymore these days, but something about that place just makes it all feel so fresh again. I just kept trying to picture my sweet Payton and her absolute joy when she sees me walk in the room. She makes it all worth it.

I do wonder if we'll ever TTC again. A big part of me still feels like I could not go down that dark road again. But every once in a while, I do get a little twitch to try again. A couple of weeks ago, I let my mind run away from me for a couple of days and imagined I could be pregnant. I was feeling nauseous and a little crampy. Obviously these could be due to all kinds of things, but it got me wondering. I'm clearly not, but at the time I wasn't sure whether I was relieved or disappointed. It would still be a long way off if we ever did try again, so I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Shannon's sister is pretty pregnant now, due at the end of August. I am very happy for them and look forward to being an aunt to this baby boy, but I still have issues being around her so pregnant at times. That little green jealousy just creeps back in from time to time. She's planning on scheduling a 4D ultrasound sometime soon and wants the whole family (including me) to be there for it. While I am happy to be invited and included, part of me wonders if I could handle this. Sure, I'd be able to hold it together in the moment, but ultrasounds are tough for me. No wonder why. Not sure how I'll handle this yet.

Sign

I was just sitting here on the couch, checking my email and Facebook. I have my laptop in my lap and absentmindedly had my hand resting on my stomach. Shannon just came in the room and said "What, are you pregnant or something?" Ha! If only it were that easy... Highly unlikely, considering I just had my birth control shot again last week.

Guess it's really just a sign I should get my big butt off this couch and exercise instead of playing on the computer  :)

No Tears

We went for a follow-up with Payton's ENT doctor today and I am thrilled to report that for the first time ever, she did not cry at all through the entire appointment!! This is huge for us. As you know, we go to lots of doctors and there have been so many tears each time, but not today! We've gotten out a toy stethoscope recently and talk quite a bit about doctors and try to give her an idea of what to expect at the appointment. Maybe she's just gotten more mature, maybe all our prep work has paid off. Whatever's working, we'll take it :) She was still definitely clingy and hesitant, but let both the nurse and the doctor touch her. Huge steps. So proud of my little girl...

Here are some recent pics our sweet Payton since it's been forever since my last post:

She loves her water table! Thanks Nana!!

First time in the baby pool for the year

We finally found a life jacket small enough to fit her :)

Strong

Payton had a follow-up with the cardiologist this morning. I had been dreading this appointment, worrying about how she would do. She absolutely hates going to doctors and unfortunately, she goes to many. She is still very hesitant and slow-to-warm-up with all adults, but her reaction to doctors is very loud, kicking and screaming. She has never liked them, but now she's old enough to have an idea what to expect. The minute they call her name and she knows she's going to have to be placed on a scale (oh the horror!), she clings to me and starts crying. If the nurse or doctor looks at her or heaven forbid, touches her, then she really starts screaming. This is our experience at every single appointment. And I knew it would be even worse at the cardiologist because they have to do several tests on her, hooking her up to machines and touching her even more than other doctors. Thankfully my mom went with us today. And boy did Payton scream. But also, she was able to calm like never before too. Usually we have to re-do the EKG several times, but today it was only once. She even eventually settled while the doctor did the ultrasound of her heart. I was so proud of my sweet little girl. We see a different cardiologist from their practice each time we go, but this one was by far the best, most patient, with wonderful kid-bedside manner. He even sang "Wheels on the Bus" for her while he was examining her. And we got a good report today too. The hole in her heart has continued to get smaller each time we see it. We're even getting to the point now that it has improved so much that she may not have to have heart surgery again to correct it when she gets older. Yay!

Sitting there in the doctor's office today, I couldn't help but think back to the first time we'd been there. Payton had only been with us for less than a month. We were still getting to know her, learning about all her medical conditions, learning about her sweet, strong little personality. She was so tiny, but such a little fighter. The doctor today was explaining everything to the med student who was shadowing him. Hearing him describe Payton puts it all in perspective. How premature she was, how absolutely tiny she was when she was born, how sick she was, how far she's come, how strong she is. We are so blessed.

Grief, hidden

I just found out that my sister-in-law's due date is September 7th.  This is the exact date that our first baby should have been due.  The first baby that brought so much hope, that was such a fighter but turned out to be ectopic so couldn't live.  Could this really be that much of a coincidence?  What lesson am I supposed to take away from this?  Just when I'm feeling so good and at peace with all my losses, this brings it all back up again.  I feel like all the losses just led us to Payton, to our sweet daughter who I am so very thankful for.  But the pain is still hidden in there too.

I came home the other day and my sister-in-law was unexpectedly here visiting.  I went to my closet to get her all my pregnancy books.  And wham!  There were all kinds of pregnancy memoribilia in this box with the books.  I was hit with sonogram pictures and sympathy cards.  I saw all my pregnancy journals, one for each baby, mostly unfinished but staring me in the face...

Apparently all my grieving is not finished.

A New Hope

Man, it's been forever since I've written.  Guess that's just a sign of how relatively smooth things are these days, how I don't need this outlet right now like I used to.  We just recently passed the one-year anniversary of Payton coming to live with us.  Hard to believe it's already been a whole year, but then again, I can't imagine our lives without that little bundle of joy and energy anymore.  Recently I went back and re-read some of the posts from a year ago-- what a difference a year makes!  I'm so glad I was writing so much back then because it all feels like a blur to me now.  At least I have those to remind me of the sweet, crazy early days with her.  On New Years Eve, Shannon and I stayed home since we were both recovering from a nasty stomach bug.  We were reflecting on the past year and how much Payton has changed our lives for the better.  He turned to me and said "You know, it's not even like someone gave her to us anymore, it feels like we actually had her ourselves."  I agree.  Sure, we know her past and will share it with her in appropriately ways when the time comes.  But she's a part of us in a way I never could have imagined.  Here are a few recent pictures of her:

She absolutely loves playing outside

So happy  :)

My beautiful girl...

Waching football with Daddy-- too cute, I know

My biggest news recently is that my sister-in-law just found out she is pregnant.  They had been trying for awhile and we were the first people they told.  She called to ask me questions like if all her symptoms were normal, should she go to an OB-GYN or a family doctor, what should she not eat, etc.  I find it incredibly ironic that I am the family expert on pregnancy.  Sure, I've gotten pregnant four times, but clearly none of them ended pleasantly.  Then again, I've probably done more reading and research on pregnancy than most people ever dream, so I guess I am sort of an expert.  It's sad in a way to imagine that with all that knowledge, I may never get to experience it in any real, positive way personally.  But then again, I'm glad I can share my knowledge and my experiences with others.  I'm so happy that my sister-in-law reached out to me and chose to ask me for advice.  After all our ups and downs, this could be the thing that finally brings us together.  I told her she's more than welcome to all my pregnancy books.  I mean, they're just collecting dust at the top of my closet.  I am happy and hopeful for her.  I know seeing my nephew (from my my brother) helped to heal a lot of the hurt from my losses.  Just being able to see myself in him, knowing that somehow my genetic bits are being past on in some way makes such a difference to me.  I only hope this baby from Shannon's sister can do the same for him.