Things are finally starting to calm down. We have been in crisis mode for the past couple of months and it was wearing on us terribly. I was super irritable all the time, Payton's default mode was meltdown. But this week, we are finally seeing some improvements. Not quite back to normal yet, but it gives me hope for the future.
Shannon has finally been released from his surgeon and is back to completely normal duties at work and home. You could absolutely see the change in Payton the day we heard this news. He went to pick her up out of her car seat after not being allowed to lift her for more than a month and the look on her face was priceless. That has helped immensely. Now they can do their usual rough and tumble play that she craves so much with him. And he can really feel safe alone with her again (there were several times in her acting out lately that she would purposely hit him in the stomach where she knew his incisions were just because she knew this would get him the most.) So that has helped her calm down a great deal.
Also, my mom is back home on her own now. Payton and I stayed with her for the first week and that was rough behavior for Payton. I'm sure it sounded like fun to her at first, but that's when her rages really started to increase. Then we went home and a friend stayed with my mom for a week. Now my mom feels safe at home by herself. We go over often to help her with many things since she is still in a wheelchair most of the time, but she got the cast off and is finally able to put weight on that leg, a lifechanger for sure. I've even felt safe leaving Payton over there alone with my mom for an hour or two at a time this week and that has made a huge difference. They have such a special bond and I know they were so missing their quality time together.
It's almost like we can finally breathe easier again. Payton is giving up her hunger strike and finally eating relatively normal meals again. She is not fighting us at every little transition or time when she does not have complete control. Sure, we still have our moments, especially when she is especially hungry or sleepy. I can handle those normal, every once in a while tantrums. It was the screaming and hurting every single morning and every single night that was completely wearing me out.
I understand completely why she had this reaction and was acting out like this. All three of her most important people in life were broken. Nana shattered her ankle and was placed in a facility, Daddy had surgery and Mommy was a stressed out, exhausted mess. That must have been really scary for her. And I think it triggered some adoption issues for her too. Not that she ever said anything adoption related, but it seemed like some definitely abandonment and control issues. After all her meltdowns, we always reminded her that we love her no matter what and we will be her parents forever, no matter what. I just wanted her to feel safe and loved.
After my endometrial biopsy last month, they told me they got cells from the cervix/lower part of my uterus and this was the wrong area. So we had to redo it. I went this week and knew it would be even more unpleasant this time around. My doctor told me she was going to be more aggressive to make sure she got the correct cells so we didn't have to perform a more invasive procedure in the future. I thought I was prepared, but man, that was the most painful thing I've ever had done awake. I'm usually a very good, compliant patient. I can sit and stare at a nice dot on the ceiling to dissociate through dental work or pap smears just great. I never complain. But this time, I was definitely vocal. I was already tender from having ovulation pain that morning and when she hit that spot, I almost came up off the table. I told her she had to stop and I couldn't handle it. She let me breathe for a second before starting again to make sure she got enough tissue for the biopsy. Wow, it hurt like nothing I can describe. But we definitely got the right cells and they already called me with the results. Negative. Everything looks great in my uterus now and we are free to start trying to get pregnant on our own again.
I haven't had this conversation with Shannon yet. With all the stress we've had lately, it was definitely not the right time to be trying. But as things are calming down again, it feels like this is our chance. There is clearly no guarantee that we will be successful. My history does not predict a positive outcome. But things have changed significantly for my health and body in the past year. That awful tube that was leaking toxic fluids into my uterus is finally gone. My abnormal cells of my uterus are cleared up now. My thyroid level is finally under control and I even lowered my thyroid antibodies significantly. I've learned how to eat healthy for my body and help myself feel strong, both physically and mentally. It feels like now or never. I'm not getting any younger. I feel like I need to give it one more try, the best shot I can. Then I will be able to accept the outcome, whatever it may be.
Whatever happens in the future, I'm thankful to finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
