Really struggling
Struggling to make sense of it all
Struggling just to sit here in this office
Struggling not to cry
Struggling to imagine how I can move on
Not sure where to turn
Wish I could just crawl in a hole and disappear for awhile
Uncomfortable in my own skin
Extra-defensive
Lost
Really struggling today
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Bitter/sweet
I keep thinking about how life is full of moments. Moments bitter and sweet. And it seems like when you've been through something traumatic like a loss, these moments just seem to get magnified and polarized more than usual. My life has been full of moments this past week. Some just floated by unnoticed, but many continue to spring to mind-- those bitter and sweet times that will define this week, this loss.
First, the bitter: As I wrote before, most of the weekend at the beach with my family was fun and good for me. But one moment in particular keeps coming back and bothering me. I was already feeling cranky and hungry when I went in the house to make myself a sandwich. Little did I know I would be walking in to my step-sister and sister-in-law swapping birth/labor stories in the kitchen. It was a completely normal conversation for them to be having since they both had their first babies in the past year, but it felt like a slap in the face to me. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack if I didn't get out of there. I made my sandwich as quickly as I could, took it out on the front porch and ate by myself, crying and thinking how I won't have a birth/labor story for this baby, or maybe ever. It stings even now when I'm thinking about it.
The next bitter moment happened when we went to my ob-gyn for my pre-D&C appointment on Monday. I was really feeling okay-- resigned to what happened, even strong and ready to be there. They called us back and put us in a room in the back to wait. Then we could hear next door they were examining a very pregnant woman and had the Doppler measuring the baby's heartbeat. All we could hear for several minutes was the beating of that baby's heart and it was such a stark reminder of why we were there-- our baby had no heartbeat and was already gone. We tried humming, talking loudly, opening the door to distract ourselves, but finally Shannon went up to the front desk & told them we could not stand to wait in that room anymore. They let us go back to the waiting room until the doctor was ready for us. By then, I was already pretty shaken. And of course, the waiting room was full of pregnant women, then a woman came in with a sweet newborn baby. A little girl sitting near us turned to her father and said, "I wish we could have a baby at our house." I wanted to stand up and scream ME TOO!!
Everywhere I turn, it feels like everyone else in the world is getting pregnant and having their perfect babies without any trouble at all. I really think I need to take a break from Facebook after this loss. It's bothered me some before, but this time feels especially painful as I see the pregnancy announcements & updates about births and sweet, healthy, growing babies. It all just stings too much...
But in the midst of this sea of pain and bitterness, every once in awhile, the sweet floats up too. I've gotten lots of e-mails, texts, phone calls from friends and family both near and far sending their thoughts and love. Pregnancy loss always seems to be the most isolating experience for me, but it has been nice that those that knew about the pregnancy and now know about the loss have been there for us, even if it has been from afar. One of my best friends stopped by unexpectedly this week, just to check in and to give me flowers and a card. That is the first time someone has actually given me flowers after a pregnancy loss. Others talked about it, but no one actually sent them. It meant so much to me that she took the time and effort to let me know she was thinking of me.
My biggest source of sweetness this week has, without a doubt, been my husband. I could never have gotten through this without him. Just having him there at the doctor's office when we first found out, seeing the sadness in his eyes and him holding me while I cried was the most comforting thing I could have ever even hoped for in that moment. The fact that he took me to Whataburger for a burger and a Coke (my ultimate comfort food) at 8:30 in the morning after our appointment. The fact that he asked for us to be moved out of that room where all we could hear was the other baby's heartbeat. The way he checked in on me all weekend at the beach to see how I was holding up. In fact, he just checked on me now to make sure I'm doing okay still.
The sweetest moment that stands out the most for me is Sunday night, when I had the actual miscarriage. I don't know how I would have made it through that experience without Shannon. He held me, comforted me, got me a warm rag that smelled like lavender to soothe me. He insisted on going to the bathroom with me when I knew I was going to pass the baby. He helped me get up and walk around when lying in the bed in pain was too much. He got me my pain pills. He got me a Sprite and crackers when I was feeling nauseous and even let me eat them in bed while watching TV in the middle of the night, when all he really wanted to do was go to sleep. He got pillows to prop me up and a heating pad to help with the cramping. He was there for me in every way imaginable and that means more to me than I can ever express.
So now, as I prepare to go back to work tomorrow, I'm going to try to hold on to those sweet moments and let the bitter ones fade away. I'm going to try to take care of myself. I keep thinking of the lines of a She & Him song I've been listening to a lot lately:
First, the bitter: As I wrote before, most of the weekend at the beach with my family was fun and good for me. But one moment in particular keeps coming back and bothering me. I was already feeling cranky and hungry when I went in the house to make myself a sandwich. Little did I know I would be walking in to my step-sister and sister-in-law swapping birth/labor stories in the kitchen. It was a completely normal conversation for them to be having since they both had their first babies in the past year, but it felt like a slap in the face to me. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack if I didn't get out of there. I made my sandwich as quickly as I could, took it out on the front porch and ate by myself, crying and thinking how I won't have a birth/labor story for this baby, or maybe ever. It stings even now when I'm thinking about it.
The next bitter moment happened when we went to my ob-gyn for my pre-D&C appointment on Monday. I was really feeling okay-- resigned to what happened, even strong and ready to be there. They called us back and put us in a room in the back to wait. Then we could hear next door they were examining a very pregnant woman and had the Doppler measuring the baby's heartbeat. All we could hear for several minutes was the beating of that baby's heart and it was such a stark reminder of why we were there-- our baby had no heartbeat and was already gone. We tried humming, talking loudly, opening the door to distract ourselves, but finally Shannon went up to the front desk & told them we could not stand to wait in that room anymore. They let us go back to the waiting room until the doctor was ready for us. By then, I was already pretty shaken. And of course, the waiting room was full of pregnant women, then a woman came in with a sweet newborn baby. A little girl sitting near us turned to her father and said, "I wish we could have a baby at our house." I wanted to stand up and scream ME TOO!!
Everywhere I turn, it feels like everyone else in the world is getting pregnant and having their perfect babies without any trouble at all. I really think I need to take a break from Facebook after this loss. It's bothered me some before, but this time feels especially painful as I see the pregnancy announcements & updates about births and sweet, healthy, growing babies. It all just stings too much...
But in the midst of this sea of pain and bitterness, every once in awhile, the sweet floats up too. I've gotten lots of e-mails, texts, phone calls from friends and family both near and far sending their thoughts and love. Pregnancy loss always seems to be the most isolating experience for me, but it has been nice that those that knew about the pregnancy and now know about the loss have been there for us, even if it has been from afar. One of my best friends stopped by unexpectedly this week, just to check in and to give me flowers and a card. That is the first time someone has actually given me flowers after a pregnancy loss. Others talked about it, but no one actually sent them. It meant so much to me that she took the time and effort to let me know she was thinking of me.
My biggest source of sweetness this week has, without a doubt, been my husband. I could never have gotten through this without him. Just having him there at the doctor's office when we first found out, seeing the sadness in his eyes and him holding me while I cried was the most comforting thing I could have ever even hoped for in that moment. The fact that he took me to Whataburger for a burger and a Coke (my ultimate comfort food) at 8:30 in the morning after our appointment. The fact that he asked for us to be moved out of that room where all we could hear was the other baby's heartbeat. The way he checked in on me all weekend at the beach to see how I was holding up. In fact, he just checked on me now to make sure I'm doing okay still.
The sweetest moment that stands out the most for me is Sunday night, when I had the actual miscarriage. I don't know how I would have made it through that experience without Shannon. He held me, comforted me, got me a warm rag that smelled like lavender to soothe me. He insisted on going to the bathroom with me when I knew I was going to pass the baby. He helped me get up and walk around when lying in the bed in pain was too much. He got me my pain pills. He got me a Sprite and crackers when I was feeling nauseous and even let me eat them in bed while watching TV in the middle of the night, when all he really wanted to do was go to sleep. He got pillows to prop me up and a heating pad to help with the cramping. He was there for me in every way imaginable and that means more to me than I can ever express.
So now, as I prepare to go back to work tomorrow, I'm going to try to hold on to those sweet moments and let the bitter ones fade away. I'm going to try to take care of myself. I keep thinking of the lines of a She & Him song I've been listening to a lot lately:
"Well I heard you had the blues againI'm going to try my best to be kind to myself...
It seems like all those little things add up in the end
Well I know that you worry a lot about
Things you can't control
There are so many things we'd like to have
But we just cannot hold
You've got to be kind to yourself
You've got to be kind to yourself"
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Another Loss
I've thought so many times about how to begin this and there's no easy or right way. We lost the baby. We went in for the ultrasound on Friday and almost immediately, I knew. I could see the baby in the sac and could clearly see there was no longer a heartbeat. The doctor looked and looked from many angles, but there was no denying it. It was gone. She patted me gently on the leg and I spoke first. "There's no heartbeat." She said she was sorry and they would give us a minute. Then Shannon was holding me as we cried, the reality of the situation already starting to set in. It had happened again. Our fourth pregnancy loss...
We've had a beach vacation with my family planned for months, so we decided to go ahead and go to the beach with everyone for the weekend. We scheduled a D&C for Tuesday morning with my regular ob-gyn and planned to come home Sunday to get ready for the pre-op appointment Monday. The beach was good overall. Good to get away, relax, spend time with family. I was able to escape and forget for moments at a time what we were going through.
But then, other times, it was right there, screaming in my face. I am now the only one of my siblings without children. This vacation was the first time for all of us to get together with everyone and their kids. And it felt blaringly obvious what was missing. Don't get me wrong-- I'm happy for all of them and love my nieces and nephews, but sometimes during the weekend it was just too much.
We were glad to get home Sunday. I'd had a little light brown bleeding and light cramping over the weekend, but it started to increase on our drive back home. By the time we got home I was full-on bleeding and starting to hurt quite a bit. I took a hot bath, took a Darvocet left over from another miscarriage and went to bed. I woke up a few hours later and was in so much pain. Never felt anything like it before. Like cramps only so much worse. And it had only been 3 hours since I'd taken the pain pill. The cramps were coming in waves and I realized this must be me in labor, getting ready to pass this baby. I was completely freaked out, but somehow, with Shannon there to support me, made it through the night.
We went to my regular ob-gyn on Monday afternoon. He started talking about the D&C and I told him I thought there was a chance I might have already had the miscarriage. He did an ultrasound and we couldn't see anything like what we'd seen only 3 days before, so we cancelled the D&C and went home. I was relieved to know the worst was over, at least physically. I didn't know if I could handle another night like the one before.
I've been off work all week because I'm supposed to be on vacation at the beach. I'm not sure how I'm feeling. Depends on the moment. Sometimes strong and determined. Often lost and questioning. A little weapy. I may or may not go back to work tomorrow, can't decide. I feel like I can't make any good decisions right now. Lately when we've been driving or watching TV, Shannon will point out some little detail and I'm surprised because I've completely missed it. Like I'm travelling through a fog and can't see what's right in front of me. Not sure where to turn next...
We've had a beach vacation with my family planned for months, so we decided to go ahead and go to the beach with everyone for the weekend. We scheduled a D&C for Tuesday morning with my regular ob-gyn and planned to come home Sunday to get ready for the pre-op appointment Monday. The beach was good overall. Good to get away, relax, spend time with family. I was able to escape and forget for moments at a time what we were going through.
But then, other times, it was right there, screaming in my face. I am now the only one of my siblings without children. This vacation was the first time for all of us to get together with everyone and their kids. And it felt blaringly obvious what was missing. Don't get me wrong-- I'm happy for all of them and love my nieces and nephews, but sometimes during the weekend it was just too much.
We were glad to get home Sunday. I'd had a little light brown bleeding and light cramping over the weekend, but it started to increase on our drive back home. By the time we got home I was full-on bleeding and starting to hurt quite a bit. I took a hot bath, took a Darvocet left over from another miscarriage and went to bed. I woke up a few hours later and was in so much pain. Never felt anything like it before. Like cramps only so much worse. And it had only been 3 hours since I'd taken the pain pill. The cramps were coming in waves and I realized this must be me in labor, getting ready to pass this baby. I was completely freaked out, but somehow, with Shannon there to support me, made it through the night.
We went to my regular ob-gyn on Monday afternoon. He started talking about the D&C and I told him I thought there was a chance I might have already had the miscarriage. He did an ultrasound and we couldn't see anything like what we'd seen only 3 days before, so we cancelled the D&C and went home. I was relieved to know the worst was over, at least physically. I didn't know if I could handle another night like the one before.
I've been off work all week because I'm supposed to be on vacation at the beach. I'm not sure how I'm feeling. Depends on the moment. Sometimes strong and determined. Often lost and questioning. A little weapy. I may or may not go back to work tomorrow, can't decide. I feel like I can't make any good decisions right now. Lately when we've been driving or watching TV, Shannon will point out some little detail and I'm surprised because I've completely missed it. Like I'm travelling through a fog and can't see what's right in front of me. Not sure where to turn next...
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Fears again
Fears are creeping back in tonight. I've had some spotting today. Not a lot. Only brown. And really only noticable since I have to wear a panty liner all the time with the Prometrium leakage. But still concerning, especially with my history. I've had a little bit of cramping too, but nothing too bad so far.
I've tried to stay so positive, but part of me is starting to worry if this might be the beginning of the end. Thank goodness we have an appointment again on Friday so we can see how things are going. Even if it's bad, I'd rather know now than wait until later. For now, I'll just do my best to take it easy and appreciate what we have today.
I love you, baby, and hope you're doing well. I pray you are growing strong and healthy inside of me. I'm trying to do everything I can to protect you and keep you safe, sweet little one.
I've tried to stay so positive, but part of me is starting to worry if this might be the beginning of the end. Thank goodness we have an appointment again on Friday so we can see how things are going. Even if it's bad, I'd rather know now than wait until later. For now, I'll just do my best to take it easy and appreciate what we have today.
I love you, baby, and hope you're doing well. I pray you are growing strong and healthy inside of me. I'm trying to do everything I can to protect you and keep you safe, sweet little one.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Drained...
I am exhausted tonight. I volunteered at a children's grief camp all weekend and did not get near enough sleep. I am so in need of our upcoming beach vacation, but have to make it through the week to Friday before I can really start to unwind.
Had bloodwork done on Friday to check my thyroid level. Got the results yesterday and it was not good. My TSH has gone up to 4.55. I know it's expected for it to go up in pregnancy and very common to have to increase the dosage of Synthroid, but it's still concerning to me. What if it's already gotten too high? What if we didn't catch it in time? What if, what if...
My stomach is so bruised from the Heparin injections. I'm still trying to figure out how to improve the bruising, but for now it looks like I'm been punched in the stomach. I'm sure my family is going to freak out when they see it at the beach next week.
Shannon and I have been arguing all evening since I got home from work. Not over anything big. I'm cranky and tired. He's defensive over his career situation. But no fun at our house tonight.
I promise it will all be worth it if this pregnancy turns out okay. I'm anxious for it to be Friday again so we can get another glimpse at the baby and see how everything is doing now. I'm trying to stay as positive as I can.
But for tonight, I am drained.
Had bloodwork done on Friday to check my thyroid level. Got the results yesterday and it was not good. My TSH has gone up to 4.55. I know it's expected for it to go up in pregnancy and very common to have to increase the dosage of Synthroid, but it's still concerning to me. What if it's already gotten too high? What if we didn't catch it in time? What if, what if...
My stomach is so bruised from the Heparin injections. I'm still trying to figure out how to improve the bruising, but for now it looks like I'm been punched in the stomach. I'm sure my family is going to freak out when they see it at the beach next week.
Shannon and I have been arguing all evening since I got home from work. Not over anything big. I'm cranky and tired. He's defensive over his career situation. But no fun at our house tonight.
I promise it will all be worth it if this pregnancy turns out okay. I'm anxious for it to be Friday again so we can get another glimpse at the baby and see how everything is doing now. I'm trying to stay as positive as I can.
But for tonight, I am drained.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Ultrasound #2
Just got home from ultrasound #2 for this baby. I had been much calmer and more relaxed about everything this week, but was definitely nervous and ready for the appointment to get here already. We could clearly see the baby and it's tiny little heartbeat pretty much right away. It's always such a relief when I can actually see that. It's still so surreal to me that I am even pregnant. After all this time and all these losses, it's hard to imagine this one looks like it might actually stick and we might get to bring it home this December.
The doctor said the baby was a little small and the heartbeat was a little slow, but did not seem concerned. She explained that since it just started beating a few days ago, the parts that regulate the rate haven't quite grown yet and it should start to speed as the days go by. And I was thrilled because compared to last week's empty sac, this was a huge difference. There was no mistaking the growth that had taken place over the past week. There was no wondering whether there was really a baby in there or not.
Of course a little part of me still worries because we did see a heartbeat in pregnancy #2 in October '08, then still had a missed miscarriage. When we went back for my check-up at 9 weeks, the baby had clearly died and only measured around 7.5 weeks. So that's still a fear. But I can only hope that was because of my untreated hypothyroidism or my blood clotting disorder and now that we're doing all we can, things will turn out differently this time.
They ordered bloodwork to check my thyroid level today, so we'll see if I have to up my dosage on my medication for that-- I know that's pretty standard in pregnancy. And I officially started my Heparin this morning. I got Shannon to help me figure out how to do it and he did the first shot, but I'm going to have to give them to myself the rest of the weekend because I'm volunteering at a children's grief camp all weekend and won't be at home. I'm nervous about it, but it really didn't hurt and the needle is teeny-tiny, so I think I can handle it. Whatever I have to do to help support this baby, right?
We're scheduled to go back to the RE again next Friday to check the progress of the baby. If everything goes well then, I think I'll probably be released back to my regular ob-gyn here in town after that. I thought they'd keep me through the first trimester, but I guess not.
I was disappointed they didn't give us a print-out of the picture of the ultrasound today, but I'll just have to be satisfied with remembering our sweet little baby and it's tiny heartbeat and picturing it in my head for now. Can't wait to go back next week and see how things are going then!
The doctor said the baby was a little small and the heartbeat was a little slow, but did not seem concerned. She explained that since it just started beating a few days ago, the parts that regulate the rate haven't quite grown yet and it should start to speed as the days go by. And I was thrilled because compared to last week's empty sac, this was a huge difference. There was no mistaking the growth that had taken place over the past week. There was no wondering whether there was really a baby in there or not.
Of course a little part of me still worries because we did see a heartbeat in pregnancy #2 in October '08, then still had a missed miscarriage. When we went back for my check-up at 9 weeks, the baby had clearly died and only measured around 7.5 weeks. So that's still a fear. But I can only hope that was because of my untreated hypothyroidism or my blood clotting disorder and now that we're doing all we can, things will turn out differently this time.
They ordered bloodwork to check my thyroid level today, so we'll see if I have to up my dosage on my medication for that-- I know that's pretty standard in pregnancy. And I officially started my Heparin this morning. I got Shannon to help me figure out how to do it and he did the first shot, but I'm going to have to give them to myself the rest of the weekend because I'm volunteering at a children's grief camp all weekend and won't be at home. I'm nervous about it, but it really didn't hurt and the needle is teeny-tiny, so I think I can handle it. Whatever I have to do to help support this baby, right?
We're scheduled to go back to the RE again next Friday to check the progress of the baby. If everything goes well then, I think I'll probably be released back to my regular ob-gyn here in town after that. I thought they'd keep me through the first trimester, but I guess not.
I was disappointed they didn't give us a print-out of the picture of the ultrasound today, but I'll just have to be satisfied with remembering our sweet little baby and it's tiny heartbeat and picturing it in my head for now. Can't wait to go back next week and see how things are going then!
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Ultrasound #1
I had my first ultrasound for this baby yesterday morning and it went okay. We could clearly see the gestational sac in my uterus, so that was a huge relief. I had been hoping to be able to see the baby and the heartbeat, but hopefully it was just too early. According to my calculations based on when I ovulated, I should have been 6 weeks. The sac measured a little small, more like 5w2d. But my RE didn't seem concerned at all. I made him check my tubes because I'd been having so much pain where my previous ectopic was, but he didn't see anything out of the ordinary.
So I'm starting to relax a bit. At least we know it's implanted correctly-- that's a huge hurdle. Before the appointment, I had worked myself up so much I was convinced I would be headed straight to surgery. Thank goodness that's not the case. That, in and of itself, is a wonderful blessing to me. The doctor told me I needed to just relax and take care of myself and leave the worrying to them. At first, he told me to come back for a follow-up ultrasound in 2 weeks. I told him honestly, with my history, that would be really difficult to wait that long. He took a look at my chart and agreed, so we scheduled the next one for 1 week away, very early next Friday morning.
He gave us printouts of the ultrasound with a big "Hello Mom and Dad!" over the sac and somehow that's comforted me. I put one of them up in our bathroom so we can see it often. If I look closely, I think I can see what could be the baby, but I'm not sure if that's just wishful thinking. I've started having those pulled stomach muscle feelings when I move. I can only hope that's a good sign of growing and stretching. I remember those with my last pregnancy-- even though that one didn't turn out like we'd hoped, I hope these are good signs.
I spent a lot of the afternoon yesterday reading other women's stories on the internet of seeing only a sac at 6 weeks. Overall, it was very encouraging. It seemed like quite a lot of them went back just a week or so later and saw the baby & heartbeat. I hope I'm in that boat a week from now. But either way, for now, I am still pregnant and that is amazing. I have to remind myself of that over and over again. This miracle is growing inside me. Every day with this little one is a blessing.
I love you, baby, and hope we find you strong, healthy and implanted correctly.
So I'm starting to relax a bit. At least we know it's implanted correctly-- that's a huge hurdle. Before the appointment, I had worked myself up so much I was convinced I would be headed straight to surgery. Thank goodness that's not the case. That, in and of itself, is a wonderful blessing to me. The doctor told me I needed to just relax and take care of myself and leave the worrying to them. At first, he told me to come back for a follow-up ultrasound in 2 weeks. I told him honestly, with my history, that would be really difficult to wait that long. He took a look at my chart and agreed, so we scheduled the next one for 1 week away, very early next Friday morning.
He gave us printouts of the ultrasound with a big "Hello Mom and Dad!" over the sac and somehow that's comforted me. I put one of them up in our bathroom so we can see it often. If I look closely, I think I can see what could be the baby, but I'm not sure if that's just wishful thinking. I've started having those pulled stomach muscle feelings when I move. I can only hope that's a good sign of growing and stretching. I remember those with my last pregnancy-- even though that one didn't turn out like we'd hoped, I hope these are good signs.
I spent a lot of the afternoon yesterday reading other women's stories on the internet of seeing only a sac at 6 weeks. Overall, it was very encouraging. It seemed like quite a lot of them went back just a week or so later and saw the baby & heartbeat. I hope I'm in that boat a week from now. But either way, for now, I am still pregnant and that is amazing. I have to remind myself of that over and over again. This miracle is growing inside me. Every day with this little one is a blessing.
I love you, baby, and hope we find you strong, healthy and implanted correctly.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Dream
I had a bad dream last night about the ultrasound. I dreamt that first we saw a baby and a heartbeat in the uterus. I was so relieved to see our little one, jumping up and down on the screen. Then the doctor said the baby was too small and showed us that the heartbeat was very slow, indicating we had a good chance of losing this one.
Then she looked in my left tube and found another baby in there, moving all around. It was the weirdest feeling because I could see the baby jump in the tube and also felt the pain as it moved inside me.
Then she did another ultrasound of the first baby, but this time we could see it like there was actually a little camera looking inside of me. We could clearly see this chubby tiny little baby with her eyes open and a full head of dark hair. It was sad to know we'd probably be losing her too.
I woke up and it took me awhile to figure out if that dream were real or not. It bothered me the rest of the night and is still haunting me now. Our ultrasound is tomorrow morning. I had wanted to have today be a good innocent day of enjoying this pregnancy and appreciating the life inside me, but that's been difficult today. My left side seems to be hurting more and every twinge worries me more and more. I'm having a really hard time picturing that this baby could be implanted correctly and thriving inside me. I mean, all I've known is losses and most problems have started around this time in the pregnancies, so now it feels like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'll be six weeks tomorrow and we'll know one way or another what to begin to expect for the future.
I'm going to try to let go of my fears again this afternoon and appreciate what I have for now. There is nothing I can do to change things either way. I hope I can find the strength today to let go.
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
Bless you, baby, and keep you safe and protected inside me. I love you.
Then she looked in my left tube and found another baby in there, moving all around. It was the weirdest feeling because I could see the baby jump in the tube and also felt the pain as it moved inside me.
Then she did another ultrasound of the first baby, but this time we could see it like there was actually a little camera looking inside of me. We could clearly see this chubby tiny little baby with her eyes open and a full head of dark hair. It was sad to know we'd probably be losing her too.
I woke up and it took me awhile to figure out if that dream were real or not. It bothered me the rest of the night and is still haunting me now. Our ultrasound is tomorrow morning. I had wanted to have today be a good innocent day of enjoying this pregnancy and appreciating the life inside me, but that's been difficult today. My left side seems to be hurting more and every twinge worries me more and more. I'm having a really hard time picturing that this baby could be implanted correctly and thriving inside me. I mean, all I've known is losses and most problems have started around this time in the pregnancies, so now it feels like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'll be six weeks tomorrow and we'll know one way or another what to begin to expect for the future.
I'm going to try to let go of my fears again this afternoon and appreciate what I have for now. There is nothing I can do to change things either way. I hope I can find the strength today to let go.
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
Bless you, baby, and keep you safe and protected inside me. I love you.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Fears
I've been trying to stay so hopeful and positive about this pregnancy, but from time to time, the fears and worries creep in.
I'm so afraid this will be another ectopic pregnancy. I'm afraid we'll lose this one too. I'm afraid our ultrasound will show nothing at all. I'm afraid it will show another baby in my tube. I'm afraid I'll always be stuck with this damaged tube and I'll have to worry with every pregnancy I have for the rest of my life. I'm afraid I'll never get to have a baby of my own. I'm afraid Shannon will say he's done and we can't try anymore. I'm afraid I'll never get past 8 weeks pregnant. Then I'm afraid I will and we'll have a late loss of some kind. I'm afraid that all our interventions won't have made a difference and we'll still be back to square one again. I'm afraid I'll have to watch everyone else around me get pregnant and have happy, healthy babies with no problems at all.
It feels good to get all of those fears out. There is little I can do to change any of these. I just have to trust that things will work out as they should. I just have to keep talking to my precious little miracle and appreciating our time together, no matter how long or short that time might be.
I love you, baby, and will do everything I can to keep you safe and protected inside me.
I'm so afraid this will be another ectopic pregnancy. I'm afraid we'll lose this one too. I'm afraid our ultrasound will show nothing at all. I'm afraid it will show another baby in my tube. I'm afraid I'll always be stuck with this damaged tube and I'll have to worry with every pregnancy I have for the rest of my life. I'm afraid I'll never get to have a baby of my own. I'm afraid Shannon will say he's done and we can't try anymore. I'm afraid I'll never get past 8 weeks pregnant. Then I'm afraid I will and we'll have a late loss of some kind. I'm afraid that all our interventions won't have made a difference and we'll still be back to square one again. I'm afraid I'll have to watch everyone else around me get pregnant and have happy, healthy babies with no problems at all.
It feels good to get all of those fears out. There is little I can do to change any of these. I just have to trust that things will work out as they should. I just have to keep talking to my precious little miracle and appreciating our time together, no matter how long or short that time might be.
I love you, baby, and will do everything I can to keep you safe and protected inside me.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Update
I'm exhausted from a long week, but wanted to do a quick update tonight. I got back my results from yesterday's bloodwork and am starting to feel a bit more hopeful. My hcg is up to 1198, clearly more than doubling even if you take into account that the draws were 4 days apart. Yes, I've confirmed this by Googling "hcg increase calculator" and testing it out on several websites. I just had to know if it's really safe to let the hope creep up a bit more. My progesterone had risen a bit, but still isn't great at a 10. They've upped my Prometrium to 4 times a day now, but I'm still happy to do this because I haven't had a drop of spotting since my realization that my "spotting" was actually Prometrium leakage... They even went ahead and scheduled me for my 1st ultrasound for next Friday. By then I'll be 6 weeks and we should definitely see something one way or another.
Last night, I was having pain where my ectopic was. I've been achy pretty much every night since finding out I was pregnant again, but this seemed a bit more localized there. So I started to worry and obsess as I was trying to fall asleep. Not a good idea. Feeling much better tonight. Any twinges are minor and happening all over, not just where the EP was. I have to remind myself I feel pain there more days than not, whether I'm pregnant or not, just due to scarring, etc.
I had my 2nd part of my root canal this afternoon. I didn't want to, but I finally had to tell them I was pregnant because they had to do x-rays to check how the tooth looked afterwards. I don't like telling people like that because they get so excited and don't understand what I've been through. I know they're well-meaning, but it's hard to be anything more than cautiously optimistic at this point. I once told a dentist when I was pregnant with what turned out to be our 1st miscarriage and he asked me & my husband about the pregnancy every time he saw us for the next year. No fun to be constantly reminded what you don't have... Back to today. They put 2 lead aprons on me to do the x-rays and she took it extra fast, but it just makes me worry about every little thing I've already done wrong in this pregnancy. I took Vicodin last week before we knew. I took Aleve and Benedryl the night before my + test because I was sure my period was on its way. And now I've had an x-ray. I guess if it's going to work, it's going to work. Many other times I've done everything right and look where that's led us so far...
Hmm, this quick update sure turned long fast. Guess I had more on my mind than I'd thought...
Last night, I was having pain where my ectopic was. I've been achy pretty much every night since finding out I was pregnant again, but this seemed a bit more localized there. So I started to worry and obsess as I was trying to fall asleep. Not a good idea. Feeling much better tonight. Any twinges are minor and happening all over, not just where the EP was. I have to remind myself I feel pain there more days than not, whether I'm pregnant or not, just due to scarring, etc.
I had my 2nd part of my root canal this afternoon. I didn't want to, but I finally had to tell them I was pregnant because they had to do x-rays to check how the tooth looked afterwards. I don't like telling people like that because they get so excited and don't understand what I've been through. I know they're well-meaning, but it's hard to be anything more than cautiously optimistic at this point. I once told a dentist when I was pregnant with what turned out to be our 1st miscarriage and he asked me & my husband about the pregnancy every time he saw us for the next year. No fun to be constantly reminded what you don't have... Back to today. They put 2 lead aprons on me to do the x-rays and she took it extra fast, but it just makes me worry about every little thing I've already done wrong in this pregnancy. I took Vicodin last week before we knew. I took Aleve and Benedryl the night before my + test because I was sure my period was on its way. And now I've had an x-ray. I guess if it's going to work, it's going to work. Many other times I've done everything right and look where that's led us so far...
Hmm, this quick update sure turned long fast. Guess I had more on my mind than I'd thought...
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