Follow-up

I finally had my follow-up appointment at the RE this week. Found out I have another blood clotting disorder called Factor V Leiden. This means I'll for sure have to do Heparin when I get pregnant again. I've already started taking baby aspirin every day too. So I guess that's more good news that they found something else wrong that could have caused my recurrent pregnancy loss and that is treatable. On the other hand, it's all starting to sink in though that I have these chronic medical conditions that I'll be dealing with for the rest of my life now too.

This doctor's appointment was frustrating because it was not with the female RE that we had first met with and loved. It was with the male who runs the place, so he obviously knows what he's talking about and everything, but just doesn't have the same calm, patient personality as the female. The entire time with him felt rushed, like he was trying to get out the door to the next patient. He answered our questions for the most part, but I definitely had more. He didn't even mention all the ultrasounds that I've had in the past month! I guess that means they didn't see any problems in that area, but still it felt like it would be worth mentioning... I will try to insist next time that we get to meet with the female RE-- I think I'd feel much better about this whole thing then.

The really good news from the RE is that the Synthroid is working and my thyroid level has started to go down significantly. It's almost down to normal, so he gave us the go-ahead to start trying again this month. We'll just have to retest my levels again in a couple of weeks to see if we have to up my doasge or not. So we're officially ttc again and that feels good and right. I just need to focus on this positive news and keep hope for the future :)

torture

I don't know why I do this to myself. Why do I check Myspace even though pretty much no one I would actually talk to is on there? I know I'm going to see status updates from my husband's half-brother's half-sister (did you follow that?) who is 15 (yes, I said 15) and pregnant and due any day now. Why do I torture myself?? Looked at it tonight and looks like she's going into labor... She's 15 and having a baby, while we're settled and responsible and nothing but 3 losses so far. And people post things to her like "Oh, I know you're going to be such a great mom." Really??? You've got to be kidding me. Why do I do this to myself??

Challenges

I did my Clomid challenge this month. Took 100mg on days 5-9 and had lots of bloodwork and ultrasounds to check how my ovaries were working. As far as I could tell, everything looked good but we won't hear the official results until my follow-up appointment in a couple of weeks. I ovulated yesterday and it was so very painful. I mean, I'm used to having ovulation pain, but this was crazy. Almost as painful as the first time I ovulated after my ectopic.

The absolute biggest "challenge" of the whole Clomid challenge was honestly not being able to ttc this month even though I knew I would be super fertile. We have to wait to try again until we improve my thyroid levels. So I understand in my mind why we're waiting, but after over two years of trying to get pregnant, it felt so frustrating to have to not try, especially since the only other time I took Clomid I got pregnant on the first cycle, so I know it works for me. I consider myself a patient person, but this fertility stuff has been a challenge even for me. And one of the most frustrating things was every time I went to the RE this month for another ultrasound, they would say things like, "Looks like you'll ovulate in the next couple of days, so go ahead and try and see if you get pregnant." I had to remind them each time that they'd already told me to not try and wait at least a month.

So more waiting and seeing. At least Shannon and I are doing well now. As difficult as all this has been, I really do think it's brought us closer and we are in a good place in our relationship now and that is more comforting than I can express.

We're going tonight to hang out with the good friends of ours who are pregnant and due 10 days after I should have been. Now there's a challenge for me...

Choices

I had a challenging day at work today. I had a client admit to me that she had an abortion and it was really difficult for me to try to keep my judgements and own personal feelings out of the session. It's my job to be there for her and I definitely felt for her and her struggle to come to terms with this, but on the inside... All I could think about was my own losses. It was a tough day.

Blah

Feeling kinda blah today... Guess it's the weather-- too many gloomy, drizzly days for me. I'm ready for summer to be here again. I feel much more myself on a hot, sunny day in my shorts and flip flops than on a day like today.

Had another RE appointment today. More bloodwork, then an SHG (or saline ultrasound). Previously, I had asked about this procedure and how much it might hurt. I knew it wasn't quite as involved as the HSG I'd had, but man, I definitely remember that hurting and wasn't looking forward in a repeat of that. So for this, the nurse said I might experience a little discomfort and I could maybe take some Tylenol beforehand if I wanted. Well, that was quite an understatement! There was A LOT of major cramping every time she injected the saline. Luckily it didn't last too long and I feel fine now, but I did not feel prepared for that.

This appointment felt so invasive, yet impersonal. During others ultrasounds there, they would point out this and that to me, letting me know what they see. This time, nothing. But I could tell she thought she was seeing something not good because she kept looking in the same spot. Then she asked the tech to freeze the picture and sent her to go get the other doctor "for a second opinion". I was trying to stay calm here, but part of me was starting to freak out. (Thinking back, it reminded me of the ultrasound when my ectopic was finally diagnosed. The looking and looking without saying anything, the sending out for a second opinion...) So there I lay on the exam table with the catheter in my uterus and the probe in my vagina, waiting and waiting. Kinda awkward to say the least. Finally I had to ask what she was seeing that she was concerned about. She said something like she thought she saw some compression of my uterus. I was thinking "Hello! I'm feeling compression every time you shoot that saline in me! What's the problem here??" Then the second doctor comes in and now we have a room full of people looking at my uterus. Oh, the self-consciousness just has to go now. Turns out there was not a problem after all, just the angle of the probe or something, but still... How much more can there be wrong?

So now I'll be going back Wednesday for another ultrasound, but thankfully not a saline one this time. Not sure if Shannon will go with me to this one. He had to work today, so I went alone and that was fine. I know he hates doctors and I want him to be excited and on board with this whole baby/fertility thing. I guess I'll just give him the choice and let him decide. The saga continues...