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| Sweet Pea is the one on the left-- can you believe their feet are the same size?! |
Monday, April 25, 2011
Perspectives
We're so used to having Sweet Pea be so tiny. She's starting to seem big to us as she starts to outgrow her 0-3 month clothes (which I realize is absurd since she is 10 months old now). We forget how small she really is, what a miracle she is. Then we go visit a friend with her six week old baby. And they're practically the same size. Wow.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Sick
Sweet Pea is sick. Just a cold, but still scary for us at times. During the day, she seems okay. Just a little stuffed up, runny nose, little cough, little bloody nose. But of course, at night she gets so much worse. Last night, she coughed so much that she threw up twice. And every time she throws up, it comes out her nose too which irritates all those little blood vessels in there and her nose gushes blood. So then you've got this tiny little thing covered in awful formula-smelling mucosy vomit and blood everywhere. Not a pretty picture, right? It's enough to freak out any parent, not to mention relatively new foster parents. Shannon generously offered to be the one to get up with her in the middle of the night last night. I think he was really regretting that at 3:30 in the morning when he finally came and woke me up with them both covered in vomit. Luckily, I'm good in crisis situations and stayed calm. Got her cleaned up and changed and rocked back to sleep. I'm back to getting up in the middle of the night just to check on her in her crib. She had a cold when we got her, but we didn't know what was normal for her then. It was all a whirlwind at that time and we didn't know what to expect.
She seems much better today, which is a relief. It's always in the middle of the night when you have to wonder if you should be rushing them to the ER. I hope tonight goes more smoothly. We were all tired today, taking turns napping off and on all day. I'm ready for this to pass.
She seems much better today, which is a relief. It's always in the middle of the night when you have to wonder if you should be rushing them to the ER. I hope tonight goes more smoothly. We were all tired today, taking turns napping off and on all day. I'm ready for this to pass.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Reaching my limit
I am feeling so stressed right now. The other baby I keep is driving me crazy this week. He came back from his week and a half with grandma such a different baby. I can only imagine grandma spoiled him and held him all the time. And he reached a new developmental stage of recognizing object permanence while he was gone. So that means any time I even step out of the room or sometimes even step away from him, he screams. Not just a little cry. A scream, like the world is ending and he is in extreme pain. It feels like he spends 3/4 of his time just screaming now and it's driving me insane. I'm trying to get him down for a much needed nap, but he screams every time I put him in the swing. He'll get quiet like he fell asleep for a minute, then screaming again. I literally just had to go stand in the laundry room for a few minutes and listen to the washing machine drown out his screams to settle myself. I'm going to be really unhappy if he teaches Sweet Pea this screaming too.
To top it off, he came back with a gross snotty nose on Monday. We'd hoped it was just allergies, but now Sweet Pea has it too. She woke up in the middle of the night and could hardly breathe through her nose to drink her bottle. She's been well since she got over the cold she had when we first got her. I'm sure she'll be okay, but it's scary with her additional health issues. Even with the shots, she's at much higher risk for RSV, etc and we definitely want to avoid that.
And now the occupational therapist is late AGAIN... I'm about done with her too.
Then Sweet Pea just looked up at me with this big sweet smile and I melt all over again.
But then Cash screams some more and I feel my blood pressure rise again. Why won't he just fall asleep???
To top it off, he came back with a gross snotty nose on Monday. We'd hoped it was just allergies, but now Sweet Pea has it too. She woke up in the middle of the night and could hardly breathe through her nose to drink her bottle. She's been well since she got over the cold she had when we first got her. I'm sure she'll be okay, but it's scary with her additional health issues. Even with the shots, she's at much higher risk for RSV, etc and we definitely want to avoid that.
And now the occupational therapist is late AGAIN... I'm about done with her too.
Then Sweet Pea just looked up at me with this big sweet smile and I melt all over again.
But then Cash screams some more and I feel my blood pressure rise again. Why won't he just fall asleep???
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Baby steps
I just got back from taking both babies to the grocery store all by myself for the very first time. My mom and I have taken the babies shopping before, but I'd never been brave enough to try it on my own. It could not have gone any better. Didn't hear a peep from either one the entire time in the store, then both fell asleep on the drive home. So I was able to bring in the groceries and now have a moment to myself before Sweet Pea's speech therapist gets here soon. Couldn't have planned a more successful trip. Feeling proud of myself, which almost sounds silly to say but it was a big accomplishment for me. We got lots of sweet smiles and "hi babies" from strangers at the store, but thankfully no one asked any nosy questions like we usually get. No one asked how old they are, if they're twins (which if you could see them, is the most absurd question ever). Just a pleasant trip to the store. Simple joys these days...
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Exhausted
This past week has been so busy, especially this weekend. I am so exhausted. It's only 6pm on Sunday evening and I'm wishing I could go to bed already. The exhaustion started with Sweet Pea's sleep study on Wednesday night. It went okay, she did way better than I'd expected. She barely pulled at all the wires and didn't really fuss much when they were attaching them to her. It really was a nice place, very much like a hotel room other than the camera on the wall and the machines going. I had requested a crib for her, but they said it's easier if she's just in the bed next to me in case they have to come in and readjust any of the connections during the night. That was an experience for me to have little Sweet Pea sleeping in bed with me. I am already such a light sleeper-- it's amazing I slept at all that night. I swear I heard every little noise she made all night, definitely woke up every time the sleep tech came in to reattach a wire. When they came in at 5:30 and said we were finished and free to go, I could not get out of there fast enough. We drove the almost hour home and I gave Sweet Pea a bath since she had all kinds of goo all over her body and in her hair from the connections. Then we both went back to bed. I thought Sweet Pea had slept okay that night, but she was clearly exhausted too that next day. Took four naps, way more than normal. She was really clingy with me all day too.
On Friday morning, I took Sweet Pea to have another RSV shot. We thought we were finished with those until next fall, but Medicaid approved one more since apparently RSV is still high in our area. It's kind of annoying to have to drive almost an hour away just for a shot, but we'll do whatever we can to help keep her healthy. While we were there at the pulmonologist's office, we again ran into the woman who runs the group foster home where Sweet Pea lived before she came to us. We had seen her there when we first got Sweet Pea, but now it's been almost 3 months. It was neat because she was there with the baby girl who had been Sweet Pea's roommate at the home. It was funny to wonder if they remembered each other. We talked for quite a while and she took pictures to show to the nurses back at the home who still miss Sweet Pea. She said one of the nurses who was really in love with her is now pregnant and said she might even name her baby after Sweet Pea if it's a girl. It's amazing to know she's already touched so many lives. Small world...
Then pretty much from Friday at noon until Saturday at 10:30 at night, I was volunteering at a family grief camp. It was a very different experience for me because I usually work with kids, but for the first time, I co-led an adult group. Each group member had lost a spouse and their stories were so sad, so many were so raw and hurting. Very different than the kids who might talk about the death then jump right on to something else in the next minute. These adult groups were heavy and emotionally exhausting. This camp experience was also different for me because this was the first time I said out loud in a group that I had lost my babies. Of course my friends know and it's not a secret or anything, but it's not something I tend to bring up because I feel like it makes other people feel uncomfortable. In sharing circles at these camps, we always go around and say our name and who we are there to remember who died. I've always said I was remembering my grandparents, which is not a lie, but not at all the complete truth. But this weekend for the very first time, I said I was remembering my babies. I said it in our big group with all the volunteers and in my smaller adult camper group too. It felt like a huge step for me. When my turn was nearing to talk the first time, my heart was pounding. But it felt good to say it, to finally be able to share my loss too. Only one person came up to me later and asked about my babies, but it felt good to have my loss, my pain acknowledged too. That's one of the reasons I've stopped volunteering with the children's grief program so much-- I always felt jealous and resentful that I couldn't talk about my grief there too. But this weekend was a little different. I didn't get to say and process all that I might have needed to, but just saying the words out loud to the group was a big step. And I was definitely thinking about my losses this weekend. At the family camp last year, I was pregnant with #4. We had seen the heartbeat for the first time that day and I started my Heparin shots that day. Those losses are always there with me.
It was hard really hard being away from Sweet Pea all that time. Both Friday and Saturday nights, she was already in bed when I got home. But both nights, she woke up soon after I got home. She almost never wakes up at that time of night. Shannon just thought she was gassy and needed to burp, but I think she missed me. I think she knew I was home and wanted me to come in and hold her. Goodness knows I was already wanting to go right in and pick her up. Especially last night. I was so exhausted, both physically and emotionally, I was practically crying on my way home for no particular reason. It really helped to come home and have Sweet Pea need me and get to have some sweet time with her before going to bed myself.
Today was so busy too. I recently joined our local Child Welfare Board and our big annual fundraiser was this afternoon. I spent all morning helping to set it all up, feeling tired and frustrated with the lack of organization. Then my mom, Sweet Pea and I went to the event this afternoon. It was a neat experience because the main goal of our board is to help local foster kids and to increase awareness. It was great to be able to have Sweet Pea there and for everyone to get to meet her. Another board member just recently adopted her former foster daughter and I got to meet that sweet little girl too. She had all kinds of great advice for us and the name of a great adoption lawyer, etc. Really gives us hope for the future.
Now I am ready to crash. Sweet Pea is napping and I am fighting a nap myself. I'd rather not nap, just go to bed early tonight. I'm so glad the other baby I keep was with his grandmother all last week. It was crazy enough as it is, so I was glad to have a little break there. He'll be back tomorrow morning, bright and early, so it all starts over again then. I don't think we have anything big scheduled this week, so hopefully we can just get back into our routine and settled down a bit.
On Friday morning, I took Sweet Pea to have another RSV shot. We thought we were finished with those until next fall, but Medicaid approved one more since apparently RSV is still high in our area. It's kind of annoying to have to drive almost an hour away just for a shot, but we'll do whatever we can to help keep her healthy. While we were there at the pulmonologist's office, we again ran into the woman who runs the group foster home where Sweet Pea lived before she came to us. We had seen her there when we first got Sweet Pea, but now it's been almost 3 months. It was neat because she was there with the baby girl who had been Sweet Pea's roommate at the home. It was funny to wonder if they remembered each other. We talked for quite a while and she took pictures to show to the nurses back at the home who still miss Sweet Pea. She said one of the nurses who was really in love with her is now pregnant and said she might even name her baby after Sweet Pea if it's a girl. It's amazing to know she's already touched so many lives. Small world...
Then pretty much from Friday at noon until Saturday at 10:30 at night, I was volunteering at a family grief camp. It was a very different experience for me because I usually work with kids, but for the first time, I co-led an adult group. Each group member had lost a spouse and their stories were so sad, so many were so raw and hurting. Very different than the kids who might talk about the death then jump right on to something else in the next minute. These adult groups were heavy and emotionally exhausting. This camp experience was also different for me because this was the first time I said out loud in a group that I had lost my babies. Of course my friends know and it's not a secret or anything, but it's not something I tend to bring up because I feel like it makes other people feel uncomfortable. In sharing circles at these camps, we always go around and say our name and who we are there to remember who died. I've always said I was remembering my grandparents, which is not a lie, but not at all the complete truth. But this weekend for the very first time, I said I was remembering my babies. I said it in our big group with all the volunteers and in my smaller adult camper group too. It felt like a huge step for me. When my turn was nearing to talk the first time, my heart was pounding. But it felt good to say it, to finally be able to share my loss too. Only one person came up to me later and asked about my babies, but it felt good to have my loss, my pain acknowledged too. That's one of the reasons I've stopped volunteering with the children's grief program so much-- I always felt jealous and resentful that I couldn't talk about my grief there too. But this weekend was a little different. I didn't get to say and process all that I might have needed to, but just saying the words out loud to the group was a big step. And I was definitely thinking about my losses this weekend. At the family camp last year, I was pregnant with #4. We had seen the heartbeat for the first time that day and I started my Heparin shots that day. Those losses are always there with me.
It was hard really hard being away from Sweet Pea all that time. Both Friday and Saturday nights, she was already in bed when I got home. But both nights, she woke up soon after I got home. She almost never wakes up at that time of night. Shannon just thought she was gassy and needed to burp, but I think she missed me. I think she knew I was home and wanted me to come in and hold her. Goodness knows I was already wanting to go right in and pick her up. Especially last night. I was so exhausted, both physically and emotionally, I was practically crying on my way home for no particular reason. It really helped to come home and have Sweet Pea need me and get to have some sweet time with her before going to bed myself.
Today was so busy too. I recently joined our local Child Welfare Board and our big annual fundraiser was this afternoon. I spent all morning helping to set it all up, feeling tired and frustrated with the lack of organization. Then my mom, Sweet Pea and I went to the event this afternoon. It was a neat experience because the main goal of our board is to help local foster kids and to increase awareness. It was great to be able to have Sweet Pea there and for everyone to get to meet her. Another board member just recently adopted her former foster daughter and I got to meet that sweet little girl too. She had all kinds of great advice for us and the name of a great adoption lawyer, etc. Really gives us hope for the future.
Now I am ready to crash. Sweet Pea is napping and I am fighting a nap myself. I'd rather not nap, just go to bed early tonight. I'm so glad the other baby I keep was with his grandmother all last week. It was crazy enough as it is, so I was glad to have a little break there. He'll be back tomorrow morning, bright and early, so it all starts over again then. I don't think we have anything big scheduled this week, so hopefully we can just get back into our routine and settled down a bit.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Growing more
Sweet Pea is growing and changing so much these days. She has had several growth spurts lately and is really getting tall. Her new 3-6 month pajamas already fit and I'm sure she'll outgrow them pretty soon too. She's still really skinny so I have to buy size 3 months for bottoms because her waist is so tiny (even some of those are still way too big on her) but six months for the tops because she's so long. We just got her a bunch of six month onesies last week-- they already fit just right, so I guess we'll be moving up in those soon too.
She's getting such a fun little personality too. Definitely louder and more opinionated than when we first got her. She screamed through her entire occupational therapy session last week. Really screamed. I don't necessarily like the OT myself, but she and Sweet Pea really don't seem to mesh. Not sure how much longer we'll keep up with that... Of course while she was screaming for the OT, her caseworker showed up early for her visit, then our case manager decided to drop in for an unannounced visit. What a zoo! But I think it was good for them to see that side of Sweet Pea and that she was so completely soothed by me once I held her. They said it shows she's in the right place and we hope to keep her here.
She's eating some more solid foods now. After a bumpy week of crying everytime we tried to give her plain rice cereal or oatmeal with formula, now she's really liking pretty much every pureed thing I give her. She did not like the applesauce I gave her the past couple of days. I'll try again later, but I'm glad she's able to show us when she doesn't like something. She's so funny when there's a little extra texture in her food (from the cereal or when I gave her mushed up avocado that I could never quite get completely pureed). If there's a big chunk, she'll just sit there with it on her tongue and refuse to try to swallow it until I give her a drink of juice to help it down.
Her second tooth finally came in yesterday. It's still not fully there, but you can definitely see it now. This one has been trying to come through for weeks now. It was all red and swollen, then just a little bump, now you can finally see the white little tooth. Her first tooth is getting much bigger-- unmistakable now, even though she doesn't like to show it off.
She's starting to go to sleep on her own for naps now. I can usually just lay her in her crib and she'll eventually fall asleep on her own. She still needs to be bounced/rocked from time to time, but she's napping in her crib almost exclusively now. No more having to put her in the bouncer or swing to get her to sleep. Such a big girl. She's in there babbling away right now, hopefully trying to fall asleep :)
We go for her sleep study tonight. I'm not sure what to expect from this. It will be the first time for her to sleep somewhere else since she came to live with us. I'll be with her and will try to approximate her bedtime routine as best as possible, but I'm really not sure how it will go. I'm dreading that we have to drive 40 minutes to the sleep clinic. She's doing much better on short car rides and even some long ones too, but not always. We went to visit some friends about an hour away this weekend and she did great in the car all day, but once it was dark out she completely melted down. She cried almost the entire way home and eventually worked herself up so much that she threw up all over herself and her carseat. Of course, once we got home and got her in the bath, she was her usual happy smiley self, but Shannon and I were way stressed by the whole thing. Hopefully we don't have a repeat tonight when it will just be me and Sweet Pea in the car.
I've got a really busy weekend ahead. The children's grief camp where I volunteer is this weekend. I'll be coming home to sleep, but I'll be leaving before Sweet Pea wakes up and getting home after she's already in bed, so I don't think I'll see her at all on Saturday. That will be really weird for me. We spend so much time together, she's such a part of me. Hopefully I'll be busy the whole time and won't be worrying about her.
I think she's finally fallen asleep now, so I should go get myself ready and pack for tonight. The other baby I keep is with his grandmother this week, so that's been a welcome break. I had imagined having so much free time without him here and getting so many little projects done around the house, but it's been so busy this week. My to do list still has so much on it! Who knew one little baby could keep you so busy? ;)
She's getting such a fun little personality too. Definitely louder and more opinionated than when we first got her. She screamed through her entire occupational therapy session last week. Really screamed. I don't necessarily like the OT myself, but she and Sweet Pea really don't seem to mesh. Not sure how much longer we'll keep up with that... Of course while she was screaming for the OT, her caseworker showed up early for her visit, then our case manager decided to drop in for an unannounced visit. What a zoo! But I think it was good for them to see that side of Sweet Pea and that she was so completely soothed by me once I held her. They said it shows she's in the right place and we hope to keep her here.
She's eating some more solid foods now. After a bumpy week of crying everytime we tried to give her plain rice cereal or oatmeal with formula, now she's really liking pretty much every pureed thing I give her. She did not like the applesauce I gave her the past couple of days. I'll try again later, but I'm glad she's able to show us when she doesn't like something. She's so funny when there's a little extra texture in her food (from the cereal or when I gave her mushed up avocado that I could never quite get completely pureed). If there's a big chunk, she'll just sit there with it on her tongue and refuse to try to swallow it until I give her a drink of juice to help it down.
Her second tooth finally came in yesterday. It's still not fully there, but you can definitely see it now. This one has been trying to come through for weeks now. It was all red and swollen, then just a little bump, now you can finally see the white little tooth. Her first tooth is getting much bigger-- unmistakable now, even though she doesn't like to show it off.
She's starting to go to sleep on her own for naps now. I can usually just lay her in her crib and she'll eventually fall asleep on her own. She still needs to be bounced/rocked from time to time, but she's napping in her crib almost exclusively now. No more having to put her in the bouncer or swing to get her to sleep. Such a big girl. She's in there babbling away right now, hopefully trying to fall asleep :)
We go for her sleep study tonight. I'm not sure what to expect from this. It will be the first time for her to sleep somewhere else since she came to live with us. I'll be with her and will try to approximate her bedtime routine as best as possible, but I'm really not sure how it will go. I'm dreading that we have to drive 40 minutes to the sleep clinic. She's doing much better on short car rides and even some long ones too, but not always. We went to visit some friends about an hour away this weekend and she did great in the car all day, but once it was dark out she completely melted down. She cried almost the entire way home and eventually worked herself up so much that she threw up all over herself and her carseat. Of course, once we got home and got her in the bath, she was her usual happy smiley self, but Shannon and I were way stressed by the whole thing. Hopefully we don't have a repeat tonight when it will just be me and Sweet Pea in the car.
I've got a really busy weekend ahead. The children's grief camp where I volunteer is this weekend. I'll be coming home to sleep, but I'll be leaving before Sweet Pea wakes up and getting home after she's already in bed, so I don't think I'll see her at all on Saturday. That will be really weird for me. We spend so much time together, she's such a part of me. Hopefully I'll be busy the whole time and won't be worrying about her.
I think she's finally fallen asleep now, so I should go get myself ready and pack for tonight. The other baby I keep is with his grandmother this week, so that's been a welcome break. I had imagined having so much free time without him here and getting so many little projects done around the house, but it's been so busy this week. My to do list still has so much on it! Who knew one little baby could keep you so busy? ;)
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Why?
I've been thinking about my losses a bit more lately. I don't think about them as much as I used to, but they've crept in there a little more the past few days. One year ago, I was pregnant with the last one and hoping to hold on to it. As much as I'm glad to not be in the middle of all that anymore, I do miss the idea of actually being able to be pregnant and give birth. Still not sure if I'll ever go back to trying again, but it's yet another loss I carry with me.
A friend of mine had her baby a couple of days ago. The one who got pregnant on her honeymoon, first try. Of course, there were no complications and now she has a happy, healthy, beautiful baby girl. I'm sure I'm oversimplifiying it and maybe there were some worries and stresses during the pregnancy and delivery, but it just seemed so easy for her. And I'm so jealous of that I could scream.
Most of my counseling work these days is with pregnant and parenting teen girls. I'm proud that I am able to do this work now without letting my negative experiences affect our sessions, but yesterday was a little tougher. One of my clients just had her big OB appointment where they do the whole anatomy scan and find out the sex. Most of our session yesterday was spent watching the video of her ultrasound. I tried to stay in the moment and focus on her issues, but it was hard. I kept thinking back to my fateful ultrasounds and how different they were than the one up there on that screen. Her baby was wiggling all around, heartbeat as strong as ever. Mine never could do that. It was such a glaring contrast. I got tears in my eyes for just a moment before pulling myself back to my professional self. But when I step away, I am so jealous of her experience as well. She's only 17, already has one child, pregnant with the second. Says she never worries about whether the babies will be healthy because she's so young. Her grandmother had six healthy babies, her mom had five, why should she be any different?
Ugh. Why am I different? Why can't I have those happy, healthy babies? Why can't I have those easy, stressfree pregnancies? Why can't I know that simple, innocent joy of carrying a sweet little one inside of me?
I know there are positives that came from all this struggle and pain, but jeez... Sometimes I just want to scream.
A friend of mine had her baby a couple of days ago. The one who got pregnant on her honeymoon, first try. Of course, there were no complications and now she has a happy, healthy, beautiful baby girl. I'm sure I'm oversimplifiying it and maybe there were some worries and stresses during the pregnancy and delivery, but it just seemed so easy for her. And I'm so jealous of that I could scream.
Most of my counseling work these days is with pregnant and parenting teen girls. I'm proud that I am able to do this work now without letting my negative experiences affect our sessions, but yesterday was a little tougher. One of my clients just had her big OB appointment where they do the whole anatomy scan and find out the sex. Most of our session yesterday was spent watching the video of her ultrasound. I tried to stay in the moment and focus on her issues, but it was hard. I kept thinking back to my fateful ultrasounds and how different they were than the one up there on that screen. Her baby was wiggling all around, heartbeat as strong as ever. Mine never could do that. It was such a glaring contrast. I got tears in my eyes for just a moment before pulling myself back to my professional self. But when I step away, I am so jealous of her experience as well. She's only 17, already has one child, pregnant with the second. Says she never worries about whether the babies will be healthy because she's so young. Her grandmother had six healthy babies, her mom had five, why should she be any different?
Ugh. Why am I different? Why can't I have those happy, healthy babies? Why can't I have those easy, stressfree pregnancies? Why can't I know that simple, innocent joy of carrying a sweet little one inside of me?
I know there are positives that came from all this struggle and pain, but jeez... Sometimes I just want to scream.
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