Balance

I woke up in such a cranky mood today.  My period is officially due today and my temperature has already dropped, so it should be here any time now.  While for part of me, that is a relief, it's also a huge sadness too.  It means I will be calling the doctor to officially be put back on birth control and stop trying to get pregnant.  So much push and pull.  Wanting to be pregnant, scared to have another loss.  But really, more than anything, I just know deep down I want to be a mother, I am meant to be a mother and it's something I will cherish and flourish in.  So I need to to focus on the positive direction we are already headed in and embrace the idea of mothering through adoption.  It may not be what we originally expected, but it's definitely right for us now.  But the loss is still there.  And it felt so present this morning.  The loss of my fertility.  Whether we try again at another point in our lives or not, that chapter is officially ending today.

I went to a yoga class tonight.  I used to go to yoga regularly several years back and have been trying to get back in to it lately.  I loved loved loved the exercise I got from it back then, but it's different for me now.  That was before we even started trying to get pregnant, back when I still trusted my body.  That's been a huge issue for me lately-- trusting my body.  But that's what yoga is all about, so I'm trying to embrace the concept and get back in to regular classes.  My practice has definitely changed.  I used to love the power yoga class, used to love pushing myself beyond my limits.  Now I'm much more likely to just hold the pose and try to focus within.  Sometimes, like tonight, I come home from class feeling so good about myself.  So energized, so powerful, both physically and emotionally.  But other times lately, the class is almost too much for me to handle.  A couple of weeks ago, when we were in relaxation at the end of class, she asked us to think of a peaceful place and for some reason, I felt like I wanted to cry.  When we finally sat up at the end, I actually had to wipe tears from my eyes.  It wasn't a pain or sadness I could identify, but an ache deep inside.

Tonight's class was "Gentle Yoga" and it was just what I needed today.  The instructor has been doing yoga forever and is very holistic and nurturing.  We started the class dancing to warm up, which I'd never done in a yoga class, but it just felt good to move.  During class, she kept talking about "finding your balance between effort and surrender".  And that statement has really struck a chord with me.  It surely applies to yoga-- in each pose you want to both push yourself physically and also honor your body.  But it also applies to life as well.  With everything you do, you've got to both reach for the stars and let go at the same time.  I love it.