Tired

Just got back from the ER.  They did an ultrasound of my leg and didn't see anything, so they sent me home.  I'm glad not to have a blood clot or anything, but feel kind of silly now for worrying so much.  The warm sensation is still there-- who knows what that is?  It just feels like one thing after another.  Maybe I just make things worse.  Had to pay $200 just for my ER copay.  Can't wait to get the rest of that bill...  Tired of all these issues, tired of not having enough money anymore, tired of it all tonight.  Glad I have a three-day weekend now.  I can really use it now.

new worries

Kinda trying not to freak out right now.  All week I've had an area on my leg that felt warm.  I don't know how to describe it any other way.  Not warm to the touch, just a warm sensation, like it feels to me that the area is sunburned but it's not at all.  I've noticed pretty often and just told myself to dismiss it, that I'm just being a worrier.  Now it feels more warm and noticable.  And now it's swollen a bit too.  All classic blood clot signs.  I've been trying not to be overly cautious, but now I can't ignore it.  I called my regualr dr's office and they just returned my call, advising me to go to the ER.  Great.  The fun never ends...

Shoes

Over and over, I keep thinking of this poem:

"A Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.


Author Unknown

I've been feeling blue and sorry for myself all day and wishing I could just get rid of these shoes.  Wishing I could just go back to a time of innocence and joy.  Wishing I knew what the future holds...


I just had a nice moment in the backyard.  Had been reading and enjoying the nice weather when I decided I needed to visit my babies.  We have plants that I associate with each of them.  We planted the first one in memory of our first baby, the ectopic pregnancy.  The middle two, I don't remember being planted, but Shannon must have done this.  The last is a lovely hydrangea my mom gave me for Mother's Day this year.  I'd gotten upset a few days before when she'd gone on and on about how this was my sister-in-law's first Mother's Day.  Finally I'd reminded her how difficult it can be for me-- I'm a mother too, but no one notices.  No one acknowledges this for me.  So on Mother's Day, she went out of her way to give me this beautiful plant and said through tears, "Happy Mother's Day.  I'm so sorry your babies are in heaven."  It was very touching and now I can have an outward sign, a way to remember this most recent loss too.

So this evening, I stopped at each plant and talked to each of my babies.  I called them by name, the names only I know and I've never mentioned to anyone else, not even Shannon.  It was a serene moment and I'm feeling better now, a little more at peace with myself.  If only it weren't for these shoes...

Jealous

This afternoon I had to go to the dentist's to get my teeth cleaned.  This is the dentist who did my root canal last month and I had to tell I was pregnant because they had to do an x-ray.  My mom had gone since we lost this last pregnancy and told the dentist and said I didn't want to talk about it.  I've been a couple of times since because my temporary crown keeps breaking/falling off and the dentist has been very nice.  So nice even with not saying anything about the loss, but I can tell he's sorry for us.  Then this afternoon, I met with the dental hygienist who I barely know, but is clearly quite pregnant.

She looks at my chart and exclaims:  "Oh you're pregnant!"

Me:  "No.  (awful pause)  I had a miscarriage."

Her:  "Oh, that's hard."

(silence, me fighting back tears)

Her again:  "Are you okay?"

What am I supposed to say to that?  I want to stand up and scream, "No, I'm not okay!  This was my fourth, yes fourth, loss in less than 3 years!"  And all I can see is her pregnant belly mocking me, making my emptiness all the more evident.  I hate feeling like this.  I want to be able to be happy for other people, but all can feel is jealousy right now.  It took all I had not to completely break down in a puddle of tears right there in that dentist's chair.

A woman I work with is pregnant and just started telling people/showing right before I had my miscarriage.  I only have to see her once a week, but even that is painful for me.  And another co-worker brought in pictures of her newborn grandson to our weekly meeting Monday and everyone had to ooh and aah over them.  She talked about how the mother had several losses and went through lots of testing, then in-vitro, etc. to have him & that made me feel a little better, but still jealous.  Isn't that awful??  That I can only be a little happy for someone when they've had a heart-wrenching experience of loss like me?

Recently Shannon wanted us to go over to our friends' house who are pregnant and due 10 days after our pregnancy #3 would have been.  I've seen her several times since that loss and even seen her clearly showing, but just can't bring myself to be around her now after this loss.  Shannon said he thinks I dwell on this too much.  Maybe that's partly true, but it's also how I deal with loss, how I grieve.  He completely does not get this.  He even asked me the other day what would I do if I had a client that was in a similar position as I am.  He assumed I would tell them to get over it and move on.  I actually had to explain the grieving process to him and tell him how I need to feel these feelings now or they'll come roaring back later, so much worse.  I know men grieve differently, but sometimes it's amazing how different our experiences are in the same situation.

Science

I had been thinking about writing a serious post all day, but was just struck with the humor of the situation tonight.  Shannon and I were just watching a show on the science channel called "The Science of Sex Appeal" and it was explaining how all these things change in a woman's body when she is ovulating.  She will look and sound more attractive, be able to pick better sexual partners, etc.  We were talking about it and I realized Shannon has no idea about how a woman's menstrual cycle works.  He had no clue that I get my period 2 weeks after I ovulate.  No clue.  Oh my goodness.  We've been trying to get pregnant for nearly 3 years now and he has no idea of the timing of it all.  Crazy.  He said it doesn't matter to him, worrying about it makes it less fun, less likely that we'll even get pregnant.  He said I should stop worrying about it and we'd automatically get pregnant easier.  I'm both appalled and envious of his attitude.  Personally, as nice as it sounds, it would be impossible for me to go back to my naivety from before we were ttc.  I could not just ignore all the signs I'm aware of now.  I could never not know when I should be ovulating, when I should be getting my period.  Just wouldn't happen.  Anyway, I think it's a good thing being in touch with my body.  So there you have it.  Further evidence of the difference between men and women.  And what a man I have  :)

Healing

I'm feeling a little better tonight.  This loss has hit me much harder than I expected it to.  It's funny how after so many losses that I can almost compare the intensity, the affect each one had.  The first was without a doubt the most difficult.  I was completely debilitated after that one and could not re-adjust to my new normal for a very long time.  The second was hard too, but not as hard as the first.  The third was relatively easy (if there is such a thing as easy when dealing with pregnancy loss)-- maybe because I was only 6.5 weeks, maybe because we never actually saw anything on an ultrasound and hadn't started to hope as much.  It seemed like it was getting easier as time went by, like I was somehow figuring out how to cope.  But this one has really thrown me for a loop.  If I had to compare it, this loss has been about as difficult as the second one was.  There are several other similarities in this pregnancy as that one too.  We had started to really get our hopes up as we'd seen the baby & even the heartbeat with both of them.  I was about 7.5 weeks when each of those babies died.  I'd been to a wedding, then volunteered at our children's grief camp at around the same time in each of those pregnancies.  It's been difficult being around other people again this time around.  Selfishly, I just want to hole myself up at home, but I know that's not the answer in the long run.  It has been good to do that most of the week & weekend though.  But it's officially back to the real world tomorrow, back to my regular routine at work, etc.

I feel like I'm starting to heal.  I've finally stopped bleeding for the most part.  My bruises from the Heparin shots are fading.  Almost every outward sign and symptom of this pregnancy is gone.  And that feels both good and bad.  Good that my body is doing what it should to heal itself.  But sad to realize it's really over.

I'm far from ready to want to try to get pregnant again.  I'm sure we will go down that road, but for now, I'm glad to be taking a break.  Let's think of all the things I can do without a care now that I'm not pregnant:  Drink as many Cokes as I want.  Enjoy a strawberry margarita (although I still haven't drank at all since before this pregnancy.)  Take my heartburn medicine, or any other little medicine I would worry about affecting a baby.  Take a really hot bath.  Eat whatever I want (which I've certainly done this week to comfort myself, but need to curb to get myself back into better shape.)

As part of my healing, I've decided to look in to the idea of adoption.  I'm still not sure if this is the right road for us, but I'm ready to learn more and explore this as an option.  I contacted someone in my community who has adopted herself and who runs a non-profit adoption ministry.  She wrote me back immediately and hopefully we'll be meeting with her soon.  For now, it just feels good to think about that and to imagine that one day, somehow or another, we will be parents and actually have a child (or hopefully children) of our own in this very house.  Just ready for that someday to be here already...