We got our copy of the homestudy yesterday.  Shannon and I read through it together last night.  Other than a few minor errors, it seemed good.  Seemed to really capture who we are.  And that's a relief to me-- hopefully our case manager does really get us and will know what's best for us in placing children in our home.

We had a good Christmas.  Other than some drama with my dad and stepmom that I don't want to go into right now, it's been a great holiday week.  My brother and his family are in town visiting from Los Angeles.  I absolutely love getting to see my nephew again.  He is 14 months old now and doing so many new things compared to when we saw him in October.  He has really shifted into toddlerhood and it's so fun to share this special time with him.  He really recognizes and likes me now, reaching out for me to pick him up over and over.  One of the most fun things for me is that he is really starting to look like me.  He is literally the spitting image of me when I was that age.  We got out an old family album from when I was one year old and it was amazing to see the resemblance.  That is incredibly special to me.  If I cannot have a biological child of my own, it means a lot to see that my genetics are still being passed down.  It helps lessen that loss to know part of me is in him too.

Quick update

We're getting emails or phone calls from our Pathways case manager Danielle nearly every day this week asking follow-up questions for our homestudy.  I think that she did not really look at our file until last week and is realizing everything she didn't know before.  I know it's difficult because she wasn't our original case manager and our original one went on maternity leave early, so she got stuck with several more families than she was planning on.  But it seems like we should have been asked these things a while ago.

Either way, I'm still trying to focus on the positive.  This means she truly is working to complete everything.  And now we know the director has read the homestudy, only has a few questions for us to follow-up on, then we get to see our copy any day now.  Danielle says she hoping for us to be able to sign contracts as early as next week!  Oh my goodness-- are we really ready for that?!?   :)

When the time is right

We did go look in Shannon's cousin's attic last week and I cannot even express to you how exciting that was to see that she has literally every big item we would need for a baby and/or toddler.  A crib, a toddler bed, car seats, strollers, high chair, everything.  If we ended up getting a baby and a toddler, we would just have to get another mattress for the second bed, but that's nothing.  It gave me such a sense of relief to know we won't have to worry about these big tickets items.  Then if my dad and stepmom give us new dressers for the kids, that's practically their entire rooms furnished.  Isn't it amazing how the universe provides what we need when the time is right?

I did take a couple of smaller baby things that I can use with my friend's baby who I'm still watching everyday.  That's going much better now.  I really feel like I'm getting into a good rhythm with him and getting more and more done around the house these days.  I even started doing some contract therapy work at the shelter where I used to work this week and that made me feel so good about myself.  I hadn't realized how much I had missed counseling and how much my self-esteem would improve after getting out there again.  I know actually getting our kids will be a huge adjustment to us all, but I'm beginning to see how I can balance home and work in the future.

Still waiting to hear if the director has approved of our homestudy and still waiting to get to see a copy of it for ourselves.  Now that Christmas is next week, it doesn't really look like we'll have our kids before then like we'd originally hoped.  But I'm trying to look on the bright side.  It would be difficult if not impossible to travel next week with new kiddos and overwhelming for them to spend the holiday with strangers.  Now we'll just move on to looking forward to spending the new year with new kiddos  :)

More Baby Steps

I finally heard from our case manager.  She emailed that she is submitting our home study to her director.  We should get a copy of it soon to make sure we don't have any changes, then she'll come out to our house for us to sign contracts for us to be officially licensed!!  I have no idea how long the timeline is for this last little bit of the process, but I'm thrilled to know we're still moving right along.

We're going this evening over to Shannon's cousin's house to look through their attic at their baby/toddler stuff they want to give us.  I cannot express how grateful I am to people like this who want to help us out on this journey.  It means the world to me that they are willing to just give us these items when we are starting out with practically nothing.  We are blessed.

Close of a Chapter

Today should have been the due date for our last baby.  I don't feel that overwhelming sadness I've felt with other due dates, but it's definitely worth noting today.  It feels like the close of a chapter of our lives.  A very long and challenging chapter, but one that has forever changed us and made us stronger.

I've been thinking since last week's holiday about what I'm thankful for.  I'm thankful for my wonderful husband who never ceases to amaze me, even when he drives me crazy sometimes.  I'm thankful for my mother who has been such a source of support-- our friendship now that I'm an adult means so much to me.  I'm thankful for other friends and family, near and far, who have been there for me through all the ups and downs.  And it may sound crazy, but I'm thankful not to be pregnant right now.  I remember I was a little pregnant at last year's Thanksgiving and couldn't even enjoy leftovers because they made me nauseaous.  And last Christmas was such a blur as I was recovering from yet another pregnancy loss.  I'm so grateful to not be in that place right now.

I do worry that we won't get our Christmas miracle after all, that we won't have kids by then.  I worry that our case manager might not have even started writing up our homestudy, leaving us in this holding pattern indefinitely.  I worry that she doesn't really get us and will place just any foster kids with us out of convenience, not truly matching us with the ones we're meant to adopt.  I'm so ready to have our kids here.  I've definitely got baby fever lately.  I'm still keeping my friend's baby during the day and have so enjoyed that experience.  I'm just ready to have a little one that we can keep here all the time.  Hopefully soon, hopefully soon.