Who knew?

Today I went to get fitted and buy bras for the first time in, oh, let's say about 10 years. I knew I was wearing the wrong size. But I had no idea just how very wrong it was. It's well known in my family that I've needed to do this for a long time. Truth be told, I've really just been wearing sports bras (albeit in the incorrect size too) daily for the past several years. My mom had tried to encourage me to go bra shopping several times, giving me the classic mom line, "What if you got in an accident and had to go to the hospital and they saw your bra??" Thankfully, my wonderful husband gave me a gift certificate for Christmas to a local place that we'd heard good things about.

I cannot tell you how glad I am that I went. Not only was I wearing the wrong size, I had no idea how it was truly supposed to fit/look. The saleswoman was amazing. I never had to leave the dressing room once. She took off and put on each bra for me, making sure everything was in the right place. Who knew you're supposed to lift and adjust each boob to make it actually fit correctly in the cup?? The first time I put my shirt back on and saw what a huge difference a good-fitting bra made, I was completely floored. My boobs looked perky for the first time in way too many years! It's crazy to think I've been doing such a disservice to myself for most of my adult life. Looking at myself in the correct bra actually seems to take like 10 pounds off my frame too since everything is finally so nicely adjusted :)

I'm so glad I was finally able to do something like this for myself (with some prodding along the way of course.) I feel like that's the theme of my life right now. Doing for myself, taking care of myself. I preach this to clients all the time, but I'm really trying to do this myself now. I've been doing some form of exercise almost every day for the past couple of weeks. And most of that exercising has been at my mom's house on her new exercise bike while someone else is taking care of my child. I honestly think the alone time has been just as beneficial as the exercise. I'm feeling calmer and more patient with Payton these days, something I've struggled with for quite some time. The scale isn't quite budging like I'd like yet, but I do just feel better about myself. And that is a huge accomplishment for this people pleaser who tends to put herself on the back burner.

Healthy

I took Payton to her ENT appointment this afternoon. Just a follow-up since she still has one of her tubes in her ear. She did awesome. It's so amazing to see how far she's come. From the tiny baby who screamed every time we even walked in to a doctor's office to now such a big girl who sits quietly and lets them examine her without any protesting at all. We talk about her doctors often and what she expects when she's there, which I think has helped. But really, she's just grown up so much.

It is completely amazing how healthy she is now. From such a rocky start as a tiny premature baby to now being the healthiest one in our house. She's only even had a fever a couple of times in the two years she's been with us, never been on antibiotics even once since then. She's still on a couple of daily medications prescribed by her pulmonologist, but really these are just precautionary and she's being weaned off them too. We've only had to use her rescue inhaler once about a year ago when she had a bad cough, but it's never been anything like an asthma attack.

I'm sure all this could change when she starts school next fall, but for now I am thankful and in awe of her health. We do go to playdates with other stay-at-home kids who still get sick often and so far she hasn't caught anything there. I really think it's due to how she was so very premature and so very sick as an infant. It made her a fighter. It made her stronger, in so many ways.

So proud of my sweet little fighter!

All ready for our Valentine's party this morning :)

Reconcile

I went to yoga last night for the first time in way too many months. I'm trying to do more things for myself without feeling guilty, which is difficult for me. The yoga class was good, not too strenuous. The teacher is one that I really like- she's gentle and nurturing and encouraging. Even in very large classes, she still makes it a point to touch everyone in the class, helping you stretch just a little further. While stretching me during class, she leaned over and quietly whispered in my ear, "You're not pregnant, are you?" When I shook my head no, she said something like "I remember you were before." This was a weird statement. I don't know that I ever went to a yoga class pregnant and anyway, I've never been any more than 8 or 9 weeks pregnant, so no one ever even knew. I'm sure she's just remembering that I have a young daughter and forgetting that we adopted her.

Nonetheless, the comment hit me. I try to say that I'm feeling better about all my losses, but they're still there. And they're still losses. Nothing will ever replace them. And I don't imagine I will ever be able to completely reconcile that loss, that grief. Little tears sprang to my eyes during the relaxing at the end of class last night, thinking of these little losses...

I don't think anyone else heard the comment, not even one of my best friends who was right next to me. I don't know that I'll ever mention it to anyone in my "real life". No one else gets it.

But it always feels good to share on here.