Past and Future Coming Together

Today I went through deja vu world.  This morning I babysat for a little girl I used to nanny for full time a couple of years ago.  I hadn't been there in over a year, but it was all just the same.  Same toys, same crazy rules and expectations from mom.  Then I went to meet with an old friend at the children's shelter where I worked for the better part of four years, but finally quit for good almost 3 years ago.  That was just before the ectopic experience.  Actually looking back, I was already "a little pregnant" when I quit working there, but didn't know it yet.  It's been an eventful and life-changing few years since then...  Now that I have my full counseling license and no full time job, I'm hoping to be able to do contract therapy work out there.  Things had changed out there, but so much of it was still eerily familar.  I spent so much time in both these places, especially the shelter.  It's a place that I still dream about from time to time.  I miss working there, but just don't think I could do direct care like that again, especially with our own kids going to be here relatively soon.  It's a good feeling to be able to finally come full circle and work there again, finally getting to use my counseling skills there like I'd always wanted.

When I got home tonight, there was an e-mail from our case manager at Pathways saying they were checking with families that are in the verification process like we are to see if we could provide respite care for 2 little girls, ages 1 and 2.  Their foster parents have to go out of state for a death in the family and they need someone to care for them for a few days.  Families like us are ideal because we don't have our own foster kids yet, but we've just taken all our classes and have had our home inspections, etc.  We considered it for a bit, but decided we just couldn't do it because we already have plans to go out of town for Thanksgiving this week.  But it's gotten me thinking about how not-ready we are in a practical sense.  I really do need to get my act together and clean out these closets and organize these rooms and get everything I can ready for when we actually are licensed and expecting a call at any minute.  It could be here before we know it.

Frustrations

I've been keeping my friend's baby every day this week again and it's been a good experience for me.  It's certainly been eye-opening how different it is having a baby here in my own house.  I've worked with lots of kids/babies, but never here at home.  Yesterday was the most challenging so far.  He was fussy and more restless than usual and I was exhausted by the end of the day.  It's starting to worry me a little bit how exhausting this is.  And this is just one little baby.  And an easy baby at that.  The kids we get will come with their own little traumas (or big traumas) and will certainly be more challenging.  I guess it will be a learning and growing experience for all of us, figuring out how to make it all work.

One of the most frustrating things is that Shannon just doesn't seem to get it.  He comes home asking what I did all day, why I didn't get such-and-such done, did I just play with the baby all day?  I'm ready for him to have a day at home with a baby/child and see what it's really like.  I'm impressed I've gotten as much done as I have, but then he wonders why I couldn't do more.  I had pictured I'd be cleaning out closets and this baby would just sit there pleasantly.  Hmm... not so much.  My mom is planning to come over today too.  I know she will be a huge help and support when we get kids.  She's getting so excited about it-- looking up websites about what to buy for foster kids and how to deal with the holidays, etc.

I sent an email to our case manager at Pathways the other day to check in and see where we are in the process.  She wrote back a very generic response, like "We're working on your homestudy and will let you know when we're done.  Thanks for your patience."  Disappointing, to say the least.  I mean, I know she is very busy and we are far from her only family, but it's almost been a month since our homestudy interview.  For all I know she hasn't even started typing it up yet!  It's hard to continue to be patient in this inbetween world.

It's also been frustrating because we're getting phone calls and comments from (obviously well-meaning) friends and family wondering when we're getting kids.  Several people have thought we already have kids or that we've "picked some out" and are just waiting for them to get here.  Like that's how it works...  I was trying to figure out where they're getting all this wrong information.  Have I not been clear when explaining things to others?  Then Shannon mentioned last night he figured it was coming from his mom.  She's been known to, how should I put it, stretch the truth from time to time.  It's not necessarily lying, just telling people what they want to hear.  And when she's at a bar with friends, the truth stretching gets even bigger.  So I guess that's it.  But it's still frustrating.  This process can be difficult enough without someone else complicating it even more.

What I'm meant to do

Yesterday, I kept a friend's little baby for the day.  This is the baby that was due 10 days after my #3 should have been.  But all that sadness and grief did not even begin to come into play.  Instead it just reminded me where I'm meant to be in life, what I'm meant to do.  I'm so ready to be a mommy.  Taking care of that sweet baby boy yesterday just reaffirmed this for me.  It just felt right.  I may end up keeping that baby every day for the near future.  I don't know what things will be like once we have our own foster/adopt kiddos, but for now I'd love to have that sweet baby in our house to take care of.  We're starting to accumulate more baby/kids things as we prepare for our own.  In our den, I still have a play pen and the baby quilt my family has always used to lay babies on.  Those things look good in our house and make me happy to finally be able to have here.  My mom bought us our first official item for a baby the other day when we went to Target-- a set of gender-neutral receiving blankets.  So we're moving forward and that makes me so happy. 

Growth

I was just sitting here, thinking how much I've grown and healed in the past year.  In all absurdity, the thing that has called this to my attention most lately is that Shannon has gotten the newest edition of one of his favorite video games.  It's violent and graphic and he loves it.  I was just realizing that before, the release of this video game often has happend to coincide with our pregnancy losses.  And this game is one major way Shannon dealt with it all-- he played for hours on end, hunting people down and shooting them.  Doesn't sound pleasant, but hey, we all have our paths through grief, right?

So in the past, he'd be here like he is now playing this violent game and I'd be here on my computer, most likely looking up reasons to solve why I lost this pregnancy or what I can do better next time.  But thankfully, I'm not in that place this time around, far from it.  I realized the other day that I haven't even looked at the websites from the online support groups that I used to check several times a day.  I'm not that sad, grieving girl anymore.  Sure, I still have my sad days, but they are very few and far between lately.  And that feels so good to finally be able to say.

Waiting

This waiting and wondering is hard.  I'm not good with unknowns and surprises.  We're still waiting for our case manager to write up our homestudy and have it approved so we can be officially licensed.  Then the real waiting will begin.  But this inbetween time is tough too.

I took my mom to a behavior intervention training class at Pathways (our foster/adopt agency) last night.  We are taking the steps to get my mom certified as a "frequent babysitter" for our future kiddos.  It's great that she's been so supportive all this time.  But she definitely had her eyes opened a bit more last night.  The instructor was talking about what kinds of behaviors we might expect in these kids we will get who have been abused/neglected.  At the first break, my mom admitted to me that she had not even really considered these things and was feeling like she wouldn't know how to take care of them.  By the end, she seemed to be feeling much better.  The instructor had talked about all the things you can do to heal and help these kids, how to help them bond with you and I saw my mom realize she already does those things naturally.  Besides raising my brother and I, she has worked with little kids off and on for much of her life.  She's already kind and nurturing and patient.  It's great to know she's there with us along this journey.

It felt good to go back to Pathways again.  In this inbetween waiting time, I start to feel disconnected from the whole process.  Like they're going to forget about us.  Like we'll never get kids even after all we've done and been through.  But being there again reminds me why we're doing all this and gives me hope (albeit with a little fear of the unknown) for our future.  Our home could be "open" by the end of this month and we could have kids so soon.  Amazing.