Potty party weekend

I decided it is time to potty train Payton. I've always believed you should never force this on a child who isn't ready and tell this to parents all the time. I'd always imagined she would just magically come to me one day and say she was finished with diapers and ready for big girl panties. I remember when she was 2 and saying, I'll just wait until she's a little more verbal so she can tell me when she needs to go. We bought potty seats and little potties many months ago. She talked and talked and talked about it. She did pee on the potty once several months ago and it scared her to death so she never wanted to even sit on it again. So I backed off and waited. And waited.

Now she's 3 years old. Very smart. Very verbal. Very strong-willed. And would happily stay in her diapers, thank you very much. I've been playing up the potty idea for the past week or so and every time I'd ask her about it, her response was inevitably "Later".

Since we finally had a free long weekend with no plans, I decide the time was right. We bought the special big girl panties (that are still huge on her- where in the world do you find tiny panties for premies?) We ceremoniously packed up all her daytime diapers to give to her baby cousin. We read countless potty books. And we dove right in.

I cannot express how emotionally exhausting this process has been for me. 36 hours later and we only have 3 successes on the amazing potty sticker chart. And even those successes were hard won. I knew she had to poop all day yesterday. She kept trying to go away and hide like she prefers to do in her diaper. But I wouldn't let her get away with it in her panties. I finally had to physically put her on the potty, crying and screaming. She cried and threw up (a trick she likes to do for me), but she eventually pooped on the potty. The one time she peed on the potty today, she was also crying. So much for the happy, special, positive panty party I'd planned.

I know I'm stressing too much about this. I know she'll get it in her own time. But I just so want the process to go smoothly for her. She's had so many uphill battles in her little life, I just want this one to be nice and trauma-free. So I tried to be more laid back about it today. I didn't set the timer for every 30 minutes this afternoon like I'd been doing. I tried to let her lead a little more. I know that's really the answer. She is so successful and so proud when she finally makes a good choice. But I also know she needs a little encouragement from us too.

I know this phase won't last forever. I know every child and every parent has to go through this. I don't know why I put so much pressure on myself. It was making me question every little thing today. Making me wonder if I'm even a good parent.

Bottom line is, it's hard. But so worth it for this sweet little girl who looks to me for everything. Who turns to me and says, "Mommy, I love you best of all."

But I'll sure be glad when this phase is over.

Life changing decision

Man, I haven't written in forever. I know when I don't write in this long that things have been settled and good. I meant to write for Payton's birthday. I thought about all the amazing things she is and does now that she's turned 3. But not even that got me writing...

Last week, I had a bone density scan. No big deal. Just because I've been on the Depo Provera shot for 3 years and there is some inconclusive evidence that it can affect your bone density. Nothing to worry about, just a precaution. Then I got a phone call from the nurse saying there was some thinning in my bones (or whatever words she used to describe it) and I won't be able to take the Depo Provera anymore. She goes on to say the doctor wrote a note wondering if I wanted to have a tubal instead.

So this throws everything into question again. I have spent these past three years blissfully ignoring my fertility (or lack thereof) and wanted to happily keep it this way. We still have a couple of months to decide since I did get a shot a few weeks ago, but I have to start thinking. And I don't like it. I liked not having to decide. I liked the idea of just putting it off and not having to make any life altering decisions for awhile.

Honestly, I'm still torn on whether I would even like to try to get pregnant again. Part of me thinks, sure, I could handle it. My first instinct was that we could try one more time and if I had yet another loss to give up forever and convince my doctor to just take it all so I don't have to think about it ever again.

But then again, could I handle it? Have I simply forgotten just how difficult it was? Would I be robbing Payton of something? Would she suffer if I had another loss and couldn't be there for her? Would she suffer if we did somehow have a biological child?

Most of these past three years have been great physically where my reproductive system is concerned. After my ectopic, I had almost daily significant pain where the ectopic was that got worse every time I ovulated or got my period. Now that I don't ovulate or get periods since going on the Depo, it's been pretty much pain free. I've had some light pain in the past month and it makes me wonder if I would be crazy to welcome this pain again by trying to get pregnant again.

I brought it up to Shannon and he was no help so far. He just said he doesn't want to get a vasectomy, which I had never considered and didn't think was an issue right now anyway. I'm sure we'll have a bigger conversation about it later, but ultimately it's up to me. And that can be scary. Such a huge decision. So much to weigh. So much to consider. Any advice out there? Anyone actually still following my blog?