This afternoon I had to go to the dentist's to get my teeth cleaned. This is the dentist who did my root canal last month and I had to tell I was pregnant because they had to do an x-ray. My mom had gone since we lost this last pregnancy and told the dentist and said I didn't want to talk about it. I've been a couple of times since because my temporary crown keeps breaking/falling off and the dentist has been very nice. So nice even with not saying anything about the loss, but I can tell he's sorry for us. Then this afternoon, I met with the dental hygienist who I barely know, but is clearly quite pregnant.
She looks at my chart and exclaims: "Oh you're pregnant!"
Me: "No. (awful pause) I had a miscarriage."
Her: "Oh, that's hard."
(silence, me fighting back tears)
Her again: "Are you okay?"
What am I supposed to say to that? I want to stand up and scream, "No, I'm not okay! This was my fourth, yes fourth, loss in less than 3 years!" And all I can see is her pregnant belly mocking me, making my emptiness all the more evident. I hate feeling like this. I want to be able to be happy for other people, but all can feel is jealousy right now. It took all I had not to completely break down in a puddle of tears right there in that dentist's chair.
A woman I work with is pregnant and just started telling people/showing right before I had my miscarriage. I only have to see her once a week, but even that is painful for me. And another co-worker brought in pictures of her newborn grandson to our weekly meeting Monday and everyone had to ooh and aah over them. She talked about how the mother had several losses and went through lots of testing, then in-vitro, etc. to have him & that made me feel a little better, but still jealous. Isn't that awful?? That I can only be a little happy for someone when they've had a heart-wrenching experience of loss like me?
Recently Shannon wanted us to go over to our friends' house who are pregnant and due 10 days after our pregnancy #3 would have been. I've seen her several times since that loss and even seen her clearly showing, but just can't bring myself to be around her now after this loss. Shannon said he thinks I dwell on this too much. Maybe that's partly true, but it's also how I deal with loss, how I grieve. He completely does not get this. He even asked me the other day what would I do if I had a client that was in a similar position as I am. He assumed I would tell them to get over it and move on. I actually had to explain the grieving process to him and tell him how I need to feel these feelings now or they'll come roaring back later, so much worse. I know men grieve differently, but sometimes it's amazing how different our experiences are in the same situation.
2 comments:
Girl, I totally feel you on this. I think I could have written this post, other than the fact that you have been through several losses since the EP. I went to a dental specialist during the ectopic (but before EP was diagnosed and while we still thought it was a miscarriage), and I needed x-rays. I burst into tears because I wasn't able to say "no, I can't get an x-ray." And what's more, I totally understand the feeling about not wanting to be around preggo people. I couldn't even go to my sister's baby shower because it was held 10 days before the due date for the baby we lost. And the only people that I could feel happy for were ones who had troubles getting pregnant. I couldn't even speak to one of my best friends for several months because she was pregnant --and unhappy about it--with her 3rd pregnancy after one "oops" night after we had been trying for like 2 years with coordinated attempts, loss, etc. I don't know what to do with those feelings...it's like they were impossible to contain and took on a life of their own. Hang in there.
I found the link to your blog from the FVL group.
I too so could have written your post a few months back. I couldn't even go to the mall without bursting into tears, seeing all the women with babies and the pregnant women. I was soooo jealous of them. I had been pregnant THREE times and still had nothing, and here they were, *flaunting* their babies.
Now that I'm pregnant and soon due, I wonder if other people think that about me. I try not to talk about my pregnancy to people because I know I may inadvertently be hurting someone.
I still get those pangs, though, since this should have been a twin pregnancy (one was ectopic and ruptured when I was 7 weeks pregnant). People ask me all the time, joking, if it's twins. Um, it was supposed to be. Screw off!
Good luck with your adoption journey. We had two calls about potential infants within a few months of completing our paperwork - but I was 3 months pregnant at that point, so we turned them down. We're planning to adopt an older child or sibling group down the road (who knows if I can or will want to get pregnant again, with only 1 fallopian tube, 35 years old, and the FVL issues).
Good luck!
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