Feeling good again

I kept my new nephew for about an hour the other morning while my sister-in-law went to a doctor's appointment. It went well overall, but boy was Payton jealous. She did not like it when I was holding the baby at all. She kept telling me to hold her instead. She's had some extra moody terrible two days this week and that was definitely one of them. She did have some sweet moments with the baby where she helped hold his bottle and give him kisses on the head, but overall she seems completely over why we would make all this fuss over this little thing that just lays there and sleeps all the time.

I really enjoyed spending time with him though. There's just nothing like a sweet, sleeping newborn in your arms. My sister-in-law spent the rest of the afternoon with us and that was good for our relationship too. We don't spend too much time hanging out without the rest of the family, so this was good. I'm hoping now that we're both mothers and have more in common right now that we can be closer.

I'm not feeling that jealousy anymore. It's good that she's not pregnant anymore. She's still very much recovering from having the baby and the c-section and I do not envy any of that. I vaguely remember how much my laparoscopic surgery hurt, so I can only imagine how she feels. And now she's still looking and feeling six months pregnant, leaking from everywhere and not feeling like this is her body at all. I am glad not to be there and can easily say I'm fine with never experiencing that.

It's good to be feeling good again :)

Here are a couple of pictures I loved from this weekend when Payton was being sweet with her new cousin:

New baby

Well, I made it through Shannon's sister finally having her baby. And I have to say, all in all, it was a good experience for me. I worked a long day on Monday while she was being induced and got home just before they got the news she was having a c-section. So we went to the hospital and got to be some of the first people to hold him after he was born. It was just me, Shannon and his brother-in-law in the room with this sweet newborn baby. I'm glad I was there for it. I'm happy I got to hold a baby who was less than an hour old. Shannon was so excited, it was adorable. And I was all wrapped up in the excitement too. I have to say, there's just nothing like getting to hold a brand new baby like that.

Then we had to sit in the waiting room with my in-laws for what seemed like an eternity while his sister was in recovery before we could see her and the baby again. That got really long and uncomfortable. But I survived. Thankfully, the labor and delivery floor was unrecognizable to me.

We took Payton to meet her new cousin the next day. She hated the hospital itself (the smell, everyone in scrubs making her think she's at a doctor's appointment, being enclosed in a small room with too many people, etc) so that was not a pleasant experience. She was sweet with the baby, but mostly cried while we were there, then got kicked out of the room since she wasn't supposed to be there in the first place. I'm really looking forward to going to visit the new little family this weekend so Payton can be more comfortable in getting to know the baby.

I thought I'd have more to report about this experience. It was sad at times, but also good for me. I've still felt a little down and irritable more than usual this week, but nothing like before. I'm just glad the pregnancy is over and now we get to enjoy this sweet little baby  :)

Hush little baby

Today we were reading a nursery rhyme book that we recently got. My mom had told me earlier in the week that Payton had nearly started crying when she saw a picture of a mommy rocking a baby to sleep. My mom assumed that Payton was just missing me while I was working and said it was so sweet.

We got to that page this afternoon and it was the lullaby "Hush Little Baby", so I was singing it to Payton. This is not a lullaby I have ever sang to her before. But she had such a reaction to it, like nothing I've ever seen before. She crawled up into my lap and buried her head in my chest, obviously needing comfort. As I continued to sing, she honestly looked like she was about to cry. And it wasn't her usual whiny cry or anything like that. It was a truly sad cry, quiet with big tears. It was an emotion I'm not sure I've ever seen in her like this before.

She had me sing it again and had the same reaction. I showed it to Shannon and he sang it for her. Same reaction. She asked for it again later and I just couldn't bring myself to sing it again.

All I can think is that she's experiencing a memory. Someone must have sung this to her in her past. Maybe it was a nurse at the NICU (although she was pretty young there) or someone at the group foster home who cared for her.

It made me cry too. And I don't cry often these days...

Resentment

My sister-in-law will be having her first baby any day now. And frankly, I can't wait. Can't wait to meet our new nephew, can't wait to see how Payton reacts to her new little cousin, can't wait for her to actually have a cousin nearby that we can see often and they can really grow up together. But most of all, I can't wait for my sister-in-law to not be pregnant anymore. I've had more than enough of hearing her complain about the pregnancy and all its difficulties. I'm not minimizing her pain or anything, but it's like no one even remembers that it might be difficult for me too. She says things like how she can never get comfortable or sleep anymore and everyone is like "Oh I would not want to be in your shoes" and I'm over there thinking "Hello, I would!"

I'm still at a point where I think we will not try for a biological child again, but if I could somehow know that it could be successful and "easy" to get and stay pregnant, I probably would then. I just can't bring myself to try again knowing there's a good chance of only suffering more losses and more pain. Even though I've come to this decision, it doesn't mean it's been an easy one. It doesn't erase the pain of the losses we had. Nothing erases that, not even the joy that Payton brings.

I'm both looking forward to and dreading the actual birth of our new nephew. He will be born in the only hospital here in our little hometown. The hospital where I had my laparoscopic surgery to remove the ectopic pregnancy, the one where I had my D&C for the missed miscarriage. The D&C was on the actual labor and delivery floor, so I'm worrying about triggering the trauma of that when we visit them at the hospital (although my D&C experience was a good one and the nurses where the nicest there, it was still understandably a tough time). I've heard that they've recently renovated the labor and delivery floor, so I'm hoping that it's unrecongizable to me. We recently found out that she's supposed to be induced Sunday evening if nothing happens before. That means he'll most like be born on either Monday or Tuesday, which I have to admit is a relief because I acutally have to work long hours on both those days. I do want to see them and share in the celebration, but I don't know how much sitting around a labor and delivery room I could do without breaking down eventually.

Most of the time I feel okay. This is not an all-emcompassing sadness like it was before. But there are more moments lately when it just hits me and knocks me off-guard. I've gone to a couple of playdates with my local mom's group recently. Inevitably, someone there is pregnant or they're telling pregnancy/birth stories. And I sit there feeling left out and sad that I have nothing to share.

I had gotten to a point where I was feeling okay about seeing pregnant people, but it's been bothering me again lately. It's not like it was before. Not the searing pain when I saw a woman with a cute little baby bump, but now it's more of a deep ache of resentment. Sadness at the realization that will never be me. Hurt that my body could not ever hold on to our babies. Grief that I'll never get to experience that miracle of life.

It just never goes away completely.

Diversity

I went to a training on diversity today. It was informative and helpful for my work, but nothing really new.

I came home this afternoon and "played people" with Payton. I recently got out a dollhouse and dollhouse people for her and she absolutely loves to take the people out of the box, make them sit down and group them together.

I was watching her play and just loving the way she groups the "families" together with no regard for differing races. I love that the fact black fireman can be the daddy to the white little girl and that she thinks nothing of it. I remember having clients as young as 4 or 5 who already group all the blond people together as an appropriate family and have trouble thinking outside of this box.

I hope Payton can always hold on to this sense of belonging regardless of outside differences. We clearly do not look alike in our family, but I hope she'll always know she belongs with us.

How's that for a diversity lesson?