Strong

Payton had a follow-up with the cardiologist this morning. I had been dreading this appointment, worrying about how she would do. She absolutely hates going to doctors and unfortunately, she goes to many. She is still very hesitant and slow-to-warm-up with all adults, but her reaction to doctors is very loud, kicking and screaming. She has never liked them, but now she's old enough to have an idea what to expect. The minute they call her name and she knows she's going to have to be placed on a scale (oh the horror!), she clings to me and starts crying. If the nurse or doctor looks at her or heaven forbid, touches her, then she really starts screaming. This is our experience at every single appointment. And I knew it would be even worse at the cardiologist because they have to do several tests on her, hooking her up to machines and touching her even more than other doctors. Thankfully my mom went with us today. And boy did Payton scream. But also, she was able to calm like never before too. Usually we have to re-do the EKG several times, but today it was only once. She even eventually settled while the doctor did the ultrasound of her heart. I was so proud of my sweet little girl. We see a different cardiologist from their practice each time we go, but this one was by far the best, most patient, with wonderful kid-bedside manner. He even sang "Wheels on the Bus" for her while he was examining her. And we got a good report today too. The hole in her heart has continued to get smaller each time we see it. We're even getting to the point now that it has improved so much that she may not have to have heart surgery again to correct it when she gets older. Yay!

Sitting there in the doctor's office today, I couldn't help but think back to the first time we'd been there. Payton had only been with us for less than a month. We were still getting to know her, learning about all her medical conditions, learning about her sweet, strong little personality. She was so tiny, but such a little fighter. The doctor today was explaining everything to the med student who was shadowing him. Hearing him describe Payton puts it all in perspective. How premature she was, how absolutely tiny she was when she was born, how sick she was, how far she's come, how strong she is. We are so blessed.

Grief, hidden

I just found out that my sister-in-law's due date is September 7th.  This is the exact date that our first baby should have been due.  The first baby that brought so much hope, that was such a fighter but turned out to be ectopic so couldn't live.  Could this really be that much of a coincidence?  What lesson am I supposed to take away from this?  Just when I'm feeling so good and at peace with all my losses, this brings it all back up again.  I feel like all the losses just led us to Payton, to our sweet daughter who I am so very thankful for.  But the pain is still hidden in there too.

I came home the other day and my sister-in-law was unexpectedly here visiting.  I went to my closet to get her all my pregnancy books.  And wham!  There were all kinds of pregnancy memoribilia in this box with the books.  I was hit with sonogram pictures and sympathy cards.  I saw all my pregnancy journals, one for each baby, mostly unfinished but staring me in the face...

Apparently all my grieving is not finished.