Memorial weekend

We had a pretty good Memorial weekend here.  Sweet Pea got to swim in a big pool for the very first time at a friend's house.  She was very hesitant and serious at first like she always is in new situations, but finally loved it.  She was kicking and splashing and laughing and it was all too cute.

She's been swimming in her little baby pool at home a lot lately.  She still acts serious at first, but is really starting to love this too.  We got a new flip video camera over the weekend and I was able to capture some adorable moments of her "swimming".  Can't post those videos for now, but here's a cute picture of her from the weekend  :)

You never know

Sweet Pea did great with us going out on our date for our anniversary.  I knew she would since she spends so much time with my mom and feels so comfortable with her, but she's never done bedtime for her before so you never know.  It's reassuring to know she can do just fine without us.  I did have to leave her with a friend the other day too while I went to work and no problems there either.  She's becoming more and more social and warming to others easier and easier.

We've been passing around Sweet Pea's cold around here.  My mom and I had it last week and are still getting over it.  Shannon came down with it a couple of days ago.  He can be such a baby when he is sick, but I can tell he's trying so hard not to complain this time.  He knows I just had this too and took care of two babies and only asked him for help/a break once last weekend so I could go lie down.  Thank goodness Sweet Pea is all better.  Such a tough little girl  :)

We saw her pulmonologist last week.  He was really happy with all her progress and even took her off one of her lung medications.  He also gave us the results of her sleep study, which was all good.  I'm so glad we won't have to go through that again!

Sweet Pea's caseworker came out to visit yesterday.  She had nothing but good news for us.  Sweet Pea's bio mom is not doing well, so it's looking more and more like termination of parental rights will happen in July as planned.  I'm having mixed feelings about the whole thing.  Obviously I'm completely in love with Sweet Pea and want nothing more than for us to stay with us forever and would be completely devastated if she had to leave us.  But I feel bad for bio mom too.  Even though she hasn't seen Sweet Pea since birth and is essentially a stranger to her, I'm sure she's struggling.  Especially in my work with the pregnant and parenting teens at the shelter, I know what the birth moms go through and how hard it is for them, even if it's honestly in the best interest for the baby not to be with them.

And I still know there are no guarantees in this.  I don't think I'll feel secure until they actually terminate rights.  Or until we can actually legally adopt her.  You just never know...

Anniversary

Today is our 6 year wedding anniversary.  Shannon got off work early and we just sat down together and watched the video of our wedding for the first time in years.  It was even more beautiful than I'd remembered, truly wouldn't change a thing.  We had a destination wedding on the island of St. Thomas in the US Virgin Islands.  Shannon really wanted to elope and I really wanted my family to be there, so this was our compromise.  It turned out to be just perfect for us.  No stress, just fun and relaxation.  Shannon and I had a couples massage together the morning of our wedding, then got manicures and pedicures.  I didn't care about all the little details of the wedding like some brides do.  Didn't even know what my bouquet would look like until they handed it to me right before the ceremony, but it was beautiful.  Had never met the minister that married us, but he spoke some of the most perfect and touching words for us.  How could we go wrong with the backdrop of the ocean right behind us?  Shannon cried first during the ceremony, which was the absolute sweetest thing.

We look so young in our wedding video/pictures.  Had no idea what was in store for us.  Didn't know Shannon would be hospitalized and have major lung surgery in the first year of our marriage.  Didn't know  we'd try for three years to try to get pregnant, only to have four losses.  I think we have the "in sickness and health" part down.

We're going out on a date tonight for the first time since we got Sweet Pea.  My mom is going to keep her while we go to dinner.  Not sure what else we'll do, but I definitely looking forward to an evening alone with my best friend, my partner, my love of my life.

Poor baby

Poor Sweet Pea was sick most of our trip to California.  She got a fever the first morning we were there and it stuck around the entire rest of the time we were there until finally breaking late last night once we were home.  She and I weren't even able to go to my brother's graduation, which is why we traveled all the way there.  It was stressful to say the least to have a sick baby away from home.  She's had a couple of colds since we've had her, but never a fever before.  I worried like I'd never taken care of a sick child before.  I took her temperature obsessively.  I debated whether we should take her to the doctor out there.  It had never crossed my mind before that might be difficult.  I'd never thought about the fact that her Texas Medicaid might not be accepted in another state.  When I called Medicaid to ask them about it, they basically said I'd have to take her to an ER and hope they had a contract with Texas Medicaid.  I talked with nurses from Medicaid and Sweet Pea's pediatrician's office and finally decided not to take her in.  I'm still waiting to see if we try to make an appointment for her tomorrow.  Her fever is gone, but she still has a nasty cough and yucky nose.  Her cough is so bad sometimes that it makes her throw up, which has already happened half a dozen times since we've been home the past 24 hours.  But then she'll just smile and play like nothing's wrong.  It's tough being the parent, being the decision-maker for a sick little one.  It definitely makes me feel like even more of a parent, caring for her while she isn't feeling well.  She clearly looks to me for comfort.

She did great on the airplane though.  On the way out there, they offered to seat us in a row with an extra seat so we would have additional room, which made a world of difference.  We could have Sweet Pea just sit inbetween us for some of the flight and not have to hold a squirming baby the whole time.  She napped and was generally pleasant on both flights, even on the way back when she wasn't feeling great.  Such a trooper.  I couldn't have done it without my mom though. I know people do it all the time, but I can't imagine traveling on my own with a baby/child.

We had a good time otherwise in California.  It was great to see my brother, sister-in-law and nephew.  My nephew quickly warmed to me again.  It always feels good to see that we do have a bond even though we live far apart.  Just about everytime I left the room, he was asking for "Ninny?" which is what he calls me.  Melts my heart.

Everyone loved Sweet Pea.  I knew they would, but it meant so much to me nonetheless.  She liked my brother right away-- I think it's because he has a beard like Shannon so she felt comfortable with him.  She and my nephew Henry loved each other and were so cute together.  My brother and his wife are pregnant again and hoping this one is a girl, so I know spending time with our little Sweet Pea was extra special to them.  She's such a special part of our family and I was so glad to be able to introduce her to them.

I can't imagine our family without her anymore, which is both comforting and frightening at the same time.  We're just about two months away from the scheduled court date for the termination of her parents' rights.  It feels good that it's getting closer, but I know so much could possibly still happen in that time frame.  I'll be so glad to be past all this waiting and wondering one day.

Packed and ready to go!

We're pretty much all packed for our California trip today.  I think Sweet Pea knows something is up.  She woke up screaming about an hour after bedtime last night, then got up again at 4am for a bottle.  She had been back to sleeping through the night this week.  Wonder how she'll do on our trip.  We'll be sleeping in a room with my 18-month-old nephew.  I hope they don't wake and keep each other up in the middle of the night.  I hope I'm able to sleep too.

We got an e-mail from our case manager asking if we wanted to be considered as a foster/adopt home for an almost 1-year-old boy.  Healthy, no meds, looking to terminate parents' rights next month.  We said no.  Can't imagine two 1-year-olds here and honestly, I still really feel like we need to be focused on Sweet Pea for now, especially until we know if we're able to adopt her for sure.  It's crazy that we're already at a place where we're turning down perfectly healthy, almost free for adoption babies.  I would not have believed that a year ago...

Wish us luck on our trip.  I'm a little anxious about flying with a baby, especially a foster baby and hope no one gives us a hard time.  I hope Sweet Pea does well on the flight.  I know my family out there is going to absolutely love her.  We skype with them, so I hope she at least recognizes them a little and warms to them quickly.  I'll update in a few days when we get back!!

Cuteness

This Sunday was the first Mother's Day I was able to celebrate openly.  I'd considered myself a mother before and had my close family acknowledge it for me, but this year everyone wished me a happy mother's day.  I got cards in the mail, flowers delievered, texts received.  I've been a mother to my unborn babies for years now, but Sweet Pea has made me a mommy.

She is maturing so much right now.  It's like a new light clicked on last week and she's getting things in such a fun and different way now.  It's so amazing to be able to watch her learn all these new things.  Here are just some of the adorable new things she is doing these days that absolutely make me fall in love with her more and more all the time:

• The way she tilts her head to the side when she’s looking at something she likes/is curious about (this is seriously the cutest thing I have ever seen)


• The way she’s starting trying to initiate peek-a-boo, especially after bathtime when she puts the towel over her face and then is smiling so big when she pulls it down

• The way she rolls over to her bucket full of toys and purposefully dumps it all out

• The way she uses her bucket/highchair tray as a drum and has such a good sense of rhythm

• The way she loves to jump in her jumparoo, but inevitably falls asleep if we leave her in there too long

• The way she’s learned to laugh at silly things like putting toys on your head

• The way she tries to put those toys on her head, but can’t quite make it up there

• The way she giggles when we tickle her new tickle spot on her side

• The way she waves her arms when she’s happy/excited about something

• The way she’s trying to turn the pages in her books now and gets so obsessed with it when we read Goodnight Moon at night that she gets frustrated and starts fussing even though she absolutely loves that book

• The way she’s able to put herself to sleep at naptimes now, but has to talk/sing/fuss herself down

• The way she fidgets/wiggles when she’s drinking a bottle or trying to go to sleep

• The way she pulls her blanket over her head when she’s sleeping

• The way she almost always seems to break at least one hand or arm free from her swaddler overnight

• The way she gives a few big stretches when I open up her swaddler in the morning

• The way she’s bonded with Shannon and my mom so much more now and doesn’t always have to cry for me

• The way she still turns/leans/reaches/smiles for me the most

• The way she loves to look at herself in the mirror now and gives herself a kiss after we get her ready for bed

She was so adorable last night.  It was almost bath/bedtime but we were trying to keep her up a little longer and she was in such a fun, happy mood.  She was sitting on my lap and I laughed at some face she made, then she let out the cutest giggle.  She seriously laughed for ten minutes straight whenever I would laugh.  Too stinkin' cute.

Thank you, Sweet Pea, for all these adorable and memorable moments.  Thank you for making me a mommy.  I love you.

Eleven years ago today

Eleven years ago today, Shannon and I starting dating.  We had met a few weeks earlier and hung out several times as a group with other friends.  The attraction was there and building, but neither had admitted to it yet.  Then one of my best friends had her 21st birthday party in her backyard.  We got a keg (some kind of cheap beer I can only imagine) and a moonwalk jump house and had a great time.  Shannon was living with another mutual friend across the street from the birthday party.  I still have such a clear memory of the moment he walked into the party and realizing I could not hide my attraction anymore.  This was the first time I'd seen him all cleaned-up, shaved, with his hair fixed and all.  Such a cutie.

Later I found out that he had a similar reaction to seeing me that day too.  He told his best friend "I'm going home with that girl tonight" and that he thought my butt was cute.  He loves to tell that part of the story because he knows it embarrasses me.  He even told it during our homestudy interview and I could just imagine them including "cute butt" as one of my good qualities for our foster/adopt application.

The first time we kissed, he told me flat out "I don't want a girlfriend".  Fine, I thought, he'll just be a fun fling for the summer.  He told me many times during that summer that he couldn't imagine ever getting married or wanting to have kids.  He was so determined not to be in serious relationship.  But then we were, for all intents and purposes, living together within a few months and have been practically inseparable ever since.  You just never know what the future holds...

Smoother days

Things have been smoothing out the past couple of days.  Tuesday was the worst with Cash-- he napped for maybe 30 minutes total all day and was in complete melt-down mode pretty much all day.  I completely lost my patience, which was especially frustrating because I am usually so patient.  So I'm sure we were feeding into each other's frustrations and it just made it all worse and worse, but it was a looooong day here.  Sweet Pea goes down for naps all on her own now.  I might just have to go in to reposition her and turn on her mobil a few times, but she goes right to sleep on her own.  It's frustrating that Cash can't do this even though he's actually ahead of her developmentally.  So I've been pushing for him to nap in the playpen in a bedroom or at least in a swing in a bedroom, but that's gone so terribly that now I've just given in and brought the swing back out to the living room and he's napping great in there again.  I know that's what they do at home and it's hard to fight that.  I know it would be better for him in the long run to be able to put himself to sleep or at the very least sleep in a crib/playpen, but it feels near impossible to teach him how to do this when it's not being reinforced at home.  So I've given in and we've had much more pleasant days so far.

We're going to try out a little baby pool this afternoon.  Just blew it up all on my own, which I am proud I still have the lung capacity to do  :)  Sweet Pea absolutely loves splashing at bathtime, so I think she'll like this too.

We're in for a big adventure next week.  My mom and I are taking Sweet Pea to California to visit my brother and his family.  He is graduating with his PhD in education and I'm so looking forward to them actually meeting Sweet Pea.  I can't wait to see my nephew either.  He's still looking so like me when I was that age-- don't think that will ever get old for me.  Shannon isn't going with us because he doesn't have enough vacation time yet.  I had to get special permission from our case manager, Sweet Pea's caseworker and attorney and the judge to be able to travel with Sweet Pea out of state.  It will be my first time to fly with a baby and I'm hoping she does well.  I'm really looking forward to the trip and hope it all goes smoothly.

Our case manager is coming this afternoon for her monthly visit.  I feel like I should clean up the house for her, which is silly.  What is she going to do, take Sweet Pea because I haven't vacuumed?  But that's the people pleaser/perfectionist in me...  So better get to it while the babies nap away :)