Healing

I'm feeling a little better tonight.  This loss has hit me much harder than I expected it to.  It's funny how after so many losses that I can almost compare the intensity, the affect each one had.  The first was without a doubt the most difficult.  I was completely debilitated after that one and could not re-adjust to my new normal for a very long time.  The second was hard too, but not as hard as the first.  The third was relatively easy (if there is such a thing as easy when dealing with pregnancy loss)-- maybe because I was only 6.5 weeks, maybe because we never actually saw anything on an ultrasound and hadn't started to hope as much.  It seemed like it was getting easier as time went by, like I was somehow figuring out how to cope.  But this one has really thrown me for a loop.  If I had to compare it, this loss has been about as difficult as the second one was.  There are several other similarities in this pregnancy as that one too.  We had started to really get our hopes up as we'd seen the baby & even the heartbeat with both of them.  I was about 7.5 weeks when each of those babies died.  I'd been to a wedding, then volunteered at our children's grief camp at around the same time in each of those pregnancies.  It's been difficult being around other people again this time around.  Selfishly, I just want to hole myself up at home, but I know that's not the answer in the long run.  It has been good to do that most of the week & weekend though.  But it's officially back to the real world tomorrow, back to my regular routine at work, etc.

I feel like I'm starting to heal.  I've finally stopped bleeding for the most part.  My bruises from the Heparin shots are fading.  Almost every outward sign and symptom of this pregnancy is gone.  And that feels both good and bad.  Good that my body is doing what it should to heal itself.  But sad to realize it's really over.

I'm far from ready to want to try to get pregnant again.  I'm sure we will go down that road, but for now, I'm glad to be taking a break.  Let's think of all the things I can do without a care now that I'm not pregnant:  Drink as many Cokes as I want.  Enjoy a strawberry margarita (although I still haven't drank at all since before this pregnancy.)  Take my heartburn medicine, or any other little medicine I would worry about affecting a baby.  Take a really hot bath.  Eat whatever I want (which I've certainly done this week to comfort myself, but need to curb to get myself back into better shape.)

As part of my healing, I've decided to look in to the idea of adoption.  I'm still not sure if this is the right road for us, but I'm ready to learn more and explore this as an option.  I contacted someone in my community who has adopted herself and who runs a non-profit adoption ministry.  She wrote me back immediately and hopefully we'll be meeting with her soon.  For now, it just feels good to think about that and to imagine that one day, somehow or another, we will be parents and actually have a child (or hopefully children) of our own in this very house.  Just ready for that someday to be here already...