Sense of peace

I'm feeling such a sense of peace and contentment with my life right now.  After everything I went through in the past several years, with the chaotic ups and downs of pregnancy and loss always looming over, I finally feel like I'm in a good place again.  It's like those losses have finally been put in perspective and weren't all for nothing.  I finally am stronger out on the other side.  I don't cry at every little thing anymore.  Mostly I just feel good about myself again.  I trust myself-- trust my body again, trust my decisions and choices again.  It feels like I'm where I'm supposed to be and doing what I'm supposed to be doing.  I've known all my life that I was meant to be a mother and now I'm finally getting to cherish that role.  I adore my time with Sweet Pea and feel such a sense of accomplishment when she just smiles that big special smile at me.  Whether Sweet Pea stays with us forever or not, I've finally joined the mommy club and I'm happy to be here.

This overwhelming sense of satisfaction has become all the more obvious to me lately as I've seen Shannon struggling lately.  I know he loves me and Sweet Pea and is happy to be with us, but I think deep down, he's having a really hard time with himself because he cannot fully provide for our family on his new salary.  His new job has many perks, the best of which is that he's home for dinner every night and off on weekends too.  But he makes so much less money than he used to.  It really doesn't bother me.  I'm okay with us cutting back and not spending money like we did before.  I'm really a homebody anyway, so I'm fine with not going out to eat or to a bar or anything.  But Shannon is much more extroverted and needs that social interaction more than I do.  But at the heart of it, I think he's struggling because he can't be the sole provider.  We couldn't pay our bills if I didn't keep Cash (my friend's baby) or go out to do contract therapy work.  He feels frustrated that I haven't really been seeking out more work, but really I know it's about him.

The role that fills my heart is being a caretaker and now that is happily filled with babies.  He feels most proud of being a provider and he's not seeing himself as that lately.  He's picking fights and moping around.  He's acting extra defensive and getting his feelings hurt at things that never would have bothered him anymore.  He says he feels like I tell him he ruins everything, but I don't feel that way at all.  I know it's really coming from within him.  I know because that's how I felt and reacted the past couple of years.  When I was not feeling satisfied with myself, I took it out on him.  I felt like I couldn't do anything right and I was letting him down in every way imaginable.  It feels good to know I'm not in that place anymore, but pains me to know Shannon is struggling there now.  Hopefully we'll be able to talk about it and work through this together.  If nothing else, these years of loss and pain have brought our relationship closer and to a new understanding.  Hopefully we can put that to work now and he can figure a way out to this sense of peace too.

Separation Anxiety

Sweet Pea had her follow-up with the ENT doctor who did her ear tube surgery today.  All was well.  He just looked in her ears and said come back in 3 months.  That's it for an hour drive down there??  An hour drive that Sweet Pea cried through most of?  It seems that her separation anxiety is getting worse.  I took her and Cash for a walk in the double stroller the other day and she cried, no screamed through over half of it.  I really think it's because in that stroller, she faces forward and can't see me while we're walking.  Every once in a while, I would stop walking and lean over to reassure her and she would be just fine until we started walking again.  And now she's starting to cry just about every time we take her in the car too.  I sat in the back with her on the way back from the doctor's office today and she was just fine.  I never wanted to be that obsessive mom who had to sit in the back with the baby, but there I am.  On one hand, it's sweet that she wants us to be near her.  But honestly, it's also irritating and exhausting at times too.  Cash absolutely loves going for walks and riding in the car, happily falling asleep almost every time.  What kind of baby doesn't like these things?  I know the answer.  A baby who's been traumatized and moved from place to place and person to person her whole tiny life and is just now finally getting to attach to some regular caregivers.  I've studied all this in school.  I get it.  But man, is it a different story now that we're living it.  Really though, we're lucky to get to be these special people in her life and I'm thrilled that she knows she's safe and secure here with us.  I'd just like to be able to take a walk or run some errands without a screaming baby, you know?  ;)

Guarded

Our agency case manager and Sweet Pea's CPS caseworker came out for their monthly visit this week.  They just happened to be here at the same time, which seemed like a good thing because I could actually get more information with both of them here.  We had been told from the beginning that there was supposed to be court this month to terminate Sweet Pea's parents' rights.  Now we've found out that's not the case.  Now they say there is a permanancy review hearing next month (just basically a check in with the judge) and court isn't actually until July.  It seems like there's confusion on all sides and that Sweet Pea's case is just getting looked over by CPS.  She's been well cared for since she's been in placement and never has any visitation with family members, so really there's not much that her caseworker has to do for her.  Her caseworker wasn't even at the last court hearing.  She did say that she does have contact with Sweet Pea's biological mother and that she does want her.  That was news to me.  They still insist that there's little chance of mom actually getting her, but just hearing that scared me.  I felt a little wall go up around my heart when I heard those words.  They say the plan for Sweet Pea is still parental termination and unrelated adoption.  We knew getting in to this that there could never be any guarantees, but we were basically told when we accepted Sweet Pea that she would be free for adoption in about a month.  Shannon, always the skeptic (or maybe the realist), thinks they just told us that so we would accept her and they would get to keep her within the agency.  I'd hate to think that's the case.  I like to think of others as basically good and don't like to imagine that our agency is trying to deceive us in some way.

So again, we have to go back to just enjoying our time with us now regardless of what the future holds.  After dinner that night, I was telling Shannon about the what they'd had to say.  I looked over at him holding Sweet Pea and we both had tears in our eyes just imagining have to give her away.

8 months

Today is Sweet Pea's 8 month birthday, which is so hard to believe because she is still so tiny.  She has started doing more and more this week, especially with the help of a physical therapist who comes out twice a week now to work with her.  All of her appointments, etc certainly keep us busy these days.

Our biggest adventure has been starting her on a new formula.  The doctor ordered for her to be put on a higher calorie formula so she can gain more weight.  We finally got the formula in last week and have been trying to help her adjust to it.  It really upset her stomach at first so we've been mixing it in with her old formula.  Then she was constipated.  All right up until she pooped everywhere when we got her out of the bath last night.  I think we can officially be called parents now that she pooped right in my hand, then Shannon and I just cheered for her!  I take her to the doctor's for a weight check on Friday and she better have gained some after all this!

We're finally getting a bedtime routine down and it's starting to go smoothly this week.  We've been doing bath, bottle and bed, but we have been able to add reading a book in there too.  My heart just about melted when I watched Shannon reading "Goodnight Moon" to Sweet Pea the other night.  I was even able to do the whole thing all by myself tonight since Shannon got called in to work unexpectedly and it went great.

Sweet Pea is starting to show some signs of separation anxiety from me, which is a good and healthy thing.  1) It's appropriate for the developmental level where she is now and 2) It shows she's forming a good attachment.  On the days recently when I've had to be out working and either Shannon or my mom have kept her, she does great with them all day.  But if I come in after being gone all day and just say hi, then walk out to go change clothes or whatever, she'll scream and cry until I come back and hold her.  It both breaks my heart and makes me feel so special.  I do want her to be bonded to me and to know that I am her safe person, but I also want her to feel safe and comfortable with others.  But honestly and selfishly, it does feel good for her to need me over anyone else.  It feels good to be needed.

Dear Sweet Pea

Dear Sweet Pea,

I can’t believe you only been here with us for three weeks now. We are already falling in love with you and so enjoying getting to know you.

I love your sweet little wheezy snore, especially when you’re drinking a bottle late at night.

I love the way you’re really starting to recognize us and usually save the biggest and sweetest smiles for me and Shannon.

I love the relationship I see forming between you and Shannon. He has become such a gentle and loving daddy in such a short amount of time.

I love the way you kick your legs and babble and smile when you’re laying on your play mat, looking up at your toys.

I love how tiny you are, but so very strong and resilient. You’ve been through so much in your short life and you are such a little fighter.

I love it when you close your eyes and open your mouth up wide when we come in for a kiss.

I love the way you go so easily to any person who comes to visit you, but you turn to look for me or Shannon to make sure it’s okay.

I love that we’ve already seen you grow and change in your short time here with us and can’t wait to find out what you have in store for us next.

Love,
 
Jenny

Our life in pictures

I just wanted to share a few pictures from our first couple of weeks with Sweet Pea.  I'm obviously limited in how much I can show of her, but hopefully these give you a taste of our life lately!



Boy, our living room has changed!

We have baby stuff everywhere now!

First bottle from me when she arrived-- I already look tired!

I absolutely love this one with Shannon feeding Sweet Pea.

Could these pajamas be any cuter?!?

Full Spectrum

Today I took Sweet Pea to get her RSV shot.  It is something that was already scheduled with her pulmonologist before we even got her.  When I looked up the directions to the office, wouldn't you know it that it is right down the street from where I used to go to the fertility doctor.  I can hardly believe that was just a year ago that we were starting that rollercoaster ride there.  And that just a year later, we have a sweet little baby here in our home.  It felt strange being over in the part of town today, but good because of the reason I was there.  Talk about coming full circle, huh?

I went to do my contract therapy work last night at the shelter.  Have I mentioned that most of my clients there are pregnant and parenting teen girls?  I absolutely could not have done this work a year ago-- all that pregnancy and baby talk would have nearly destroyed me when I was in the midst of my grief.  But now, it feels okay, even good to work with them.  Last night one of my clients had her very newborn baby in session with us.  She just had the baby a few days ago and there is a good chance that CPS is going to take the baby away from her very soon.  It was heartbreaking to hear her side of the story and eye-opening to say the least to see the other perspective of the situation.  Here we are with a sweet little foster daughter who we adore, but we forget that for her to have gotten to us, a mother had her newborn baby taken away from her.  It's so easy to demonize or blame the mother, but we all have our choices, we all have our story.  Another client was talking about that she had considered choosing adoption for her unborn baby and that is something she is struggling with.  I couldn't help but selfishly think to myself that if people like these girls didn't have these babies, people like me might never get to have the chance to parent.  That sounds awfully self-centered, but it's true.  What makes any one of us better than the other?  We all play a part, we all have a story to tell.

I got an email from our case manager today.  We were selected for a legal risk placement for a child she had submitted us on in December.  It was a two year old little boy with some non-specific but very real medical needs.  Nothing necessarily overwhelming on their own, but coupled with Sweet Pea's needs, we just decided it would be too much for us at this time.  Honestly, I am so grateful that on a daily basis she seems happy and healthy, but just taking her to all these doctor appointments has been exhausting.  I had never imagined that would be part of us getting a baby.  I'm happy to do it for her to make sure we are doing all we can for her, but it is draining.  And the idea of adding a two year old to the mix, not to mention one with more and different medical needs sounds completely overwhelming to me right now.  I am absolutely loving having Sweet Pea here, but I am exhausted at the end of every day (even *if* I'm able to sneak in a quick nap, and that's a big if with Sweet Pea and Cash both here all day.)  I can't imagine juggling a two year old right now too.  So we made the decision to say no to that placement and that feels like the right decision for our family.

Also, when we were at the doctor's office today, I just happen to meet Ruth, the woman who runs the group foster home where Sweet Pea had been living for the past several months.  She was there with another baby, recognized Sweet Pea and came over to introduce herself.  Sweet Pea was looking at me and just smiling away.  Ruth commented how good that was to see.  She said Sweet Pea was so serious for such a long time when they first got her and that it took her a long time to smile.  I told her about her first laugh and she said she was so glad we were fostering to adopt her.  It was so nice to meet her and reassure us that we are making a difference in this sweet little life.