First, the bitter: As I wrote before, most of the weekend at the beach with my family was fun and good for me. But one moment in particular keeps coming back and bothering me. I was already feeling cranky and hungry when I went in the house to make myself a sandwich. Little did I know I would be walking in to my step-sister and sister-in-law swapping birth/labor stories in the kitchen. It was a completely normal conversation for them to be having since they both had their first babies in the past year, but it felt like a slap in the face to me. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack if I didn't get out of there. I made my sandwich as quickly as I could, took it out on the front porch and ate by myself, crying and thinking how I won't have a birth/labor story for this baby, or maybe ever. It stings even now when I'm thinking about it.
The next bitter moment happened when we went to my ob-gyn for my pre-D&C appointment on Monday. I was really feeling okay-- resigned to what happened, even strong and ready to be there. They called us back and put us in a room in the back to wait. Then we could hear next door they were examining a very pregnant woman and had the Doppler measuring the baby's heartbeat. All we could hear for several minutes was the beating of that baby's heart and it was such a stark reminder of why we were there-- our baby had no heartbeat and was already gone. We tried humming, talking loudly, opening the door to distract ourselves, but finally Shannon went up to the front desk & told them we could not stand to wait in that room anymore. They let us go back to the waiting room until the doctor was ready for us. By then, I was already pretty shaken. And of course, the waiting room was full of pregnant women, then a woman came in with a sweet newborn baby. A little girl sitting near us turned to her father and said, "I wish we could have a baby at our house." I wanted to stand up and scream ME TOO!!
Everywhere I turn, it feels like everyone else in the world is getting pregnant and having their perfect babies without any trouble at all. I really think I need to take a break from Facebook after this loss. It's bothered me some before, but this time feels especially painful as I see the pregnancy announcements & updates about births and sweet, healthy, growing babies. It all just stings too much...
But in the midst of this sea of pain and bitterness, every once in awhile, the sweet floats up too. I've gotten lots of e-mails, texts, phone calls from friends and family both near and far sending their thoughts and love. Pregnancy loss always seems to be the most isolating experience for me, but it has been nice that those that knew about the pregnancy and now know about the loss have been there for us, even if it has been from afar. One of my best friends stopped by unexpectedly this week, just to check in and to give me flowers and a card. That is the first time someone has actually given me flowers after a pregnancy loss. Others talked about it, but no one actually sent them. It meant so much to me that she took the time and effort to let me know she was thinking of me.
My biggest source of sweetness this week has, without a doubt, been my husband. I could never have gotten through this without him. Just having him there at the doctor's office when we first found out, seeing the sadness in his eyes and him holding me while I cried was the most comforting thing I could have ever even hoped for in that moment. The fact that he took me to Whataburger for a burger and a Coke (my ultimate comfort food) at 8:30 in the morning after our appointment. The fact that he asked for us to be moved out of that room where all we could hear was the other baby's heartbeat. The way he checked in on me all weekend at the beach to see how I was holding up. In fact, he just checked on me now to make sure I'm doing okay still.
The sweetest moment that stands out the most for me is Sunday night, when I had the actual miscarriage. I don't know how I would have made it through that experience without Shannon. He held me, comforted me, got me a warm rag that smelled like lavender to soothe me. He insisted on going to the bathroom with me when I knew I was going to pass the baby. He helped me get up and walk around when lying in the bed in pain was too much. He got me my pain pills. He got me a Sprite and crackers when I was feeling nauseous and even let me eat them in bed while watching TV in the middle of the night, when all he really wanted to do was go to sleep. He got pillows to prop me up and a heating pad to help with the cramping. He was there for me in every way imaginable and that means more to me than I can ever express.
So now, as I prepare to go back to work tomorrow, I'm going to try to hold on to those sweet moments and let the bitter ones fade away. I'm going to try to take care of myself. I keep thinking of the lines of a She & Him song I've been listening to a lot lately:
"Well I heard you had the blues againI'm going to try my best to be kind to myself...
It seems like all those little things add up in the end
Well I know that you worry a lot about
Things you can't control
There are so many things we'd like to have
But we just cannot hold
You've got to be kind to yourself
You've got to be kind to yourself"
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