blah day

I'm feeling very blah today.  My allergies have been driving me crazy the past week or so.  I almost never have allergies anymore, but something's really getting me lately.  It's getting to the point now where it's turning worse than allergies-- a sinus infection or bronchitis or something.  I feel alright during the day with plenty of meds, but it's hard to sleep at night with all the coughing, etc.  I had the same thing when we went on our big vacation last fall to Los Angeles/Costa Rica.  Now I'm wishing I could just walk in to that pharmacia by the beach in Costa Rica and get some antibiotics without having to go to the doctor...

The sun never came out today.  That always seems to wear on me.  It was just me and the babies inside alone all day.  So blah.  When I'm feeling this way, all the old fears and insecurities start creeping their way back in.  I'm not good enough.  I let everyone down.  I need to take better care of myself. Of course now there's some new ones thrown in the mix now too.  I've given too much of myself, my heart to Sweet Pea.  She's could be taken away and I'll be left all alone again.  They're irrational thoughts, I know, but on days like this they find their way back into my head and wear me down even more.

So instead of giving in to these negative self-doubts, I go for a walk.  I load the babies up into the double stroller, turn on my ipod and push myself out of my funk.  Getting out feels good.  Neighbors driving by wave hello.  People out in their yards look adoringly at the two little babies with me.  Sweet Pea smiles at me.  Cash babbles happily away.  When we get home, Shannon is standing in the driveway waiting to greet us with a big smile.  Life is as it should be.

Fed up

I am fed up with all the therapists that come out to our house to work with Sweet Pea.  They are always changing the day/time they are coming, cancelling last minute, showing up late, coming up with all kinds of excuses.  Seriously, little boys with their "the dog ate my homework" have nothing on these ladies.  The physical therapist (who comes out twice a week) says her schedule changes so much that she can't ever really plan a time she will be here.  She's supposed to come on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons and usually she just calls about an hour before she wants to come.  So this means two days a week, I spend most of the afternoon wondering if and when she'll call, then if and when she'll show up.  The speech therapist has only been here twice so far.  She gave me a big speech about how important her patients are to her and how working with them is the most important thing to her.  But then she spends half the time answering her cell phone, always with an excuse ("It's my boss, can't ignore that one", etc.)  The occupational therapist thankfully only comes once a week and does plan a time, but undoubtedly texts to change it at the last minute.  She'd already changed the time on us once for this morning, then texted to say she was having car trouble and she'd be a little later.  Then texted again later saying could she come tomorrow instead.  I lied and said we have plans tomorrow.  I've just had it with their inconsiderate behavior.  It's not enough that I'm taking care of two small babies on my own all day.  When I know one of the therapists is supposed to be coming, I try really hard to make sure Sweet Pea is fed, napped, happy, presentable and ready to work.  I tidy up the house and make sure I have Cash happy too.  Then they're late and by this time we're all fussy and I'm tired of feeling like I have to apologize for it.  So I'm putting my foot down.  They need to pick a time and stick to it.  I'm willing to give them an hour block to get here for their half-hour sessions.  But that has to be it.  I'm too much of a people pleaser, I know.  I've been way too accomodating to them.  But that's doing a disservice to myself, to Sweet Pea, to their profession.  I've done home visits in my own work and I can tell you I was always there when I said I would be, if not early.  It's just unprofessional and disrespectful not to be.  I'm doing my part, they need to do theirs.  I've seriously considered changing companies.  I've stayed with this one because it was already set up for Sweet Pea before we had her and it seemed to easiest, but now I'm not sure.  I hate confrontation, but this is getting to be too much.  I do really like the PT and ST personally and can see the benefit of their work with Sweet Pea.  I'm still not sure what the OT really does or how it helps.  I've always told myself, well at least I'm not having to pay for this.  But Medicaid does.  They get paid every time they come out here, whether they're four hours late or have changed the time/day on us five times.  And frankly, that is unfair.

Thanks for listening to my rant.  I just needed to vent and get that out.  Hope I can stay strong and stand up for our rights...

Growing

I took Sweet Pea to her 9 month check-up at the pediatrician this week.  She weighs 11 pounds, 13.5 ounces now.  That is still tiny even for her adjusted age, but she is growing nicely considering she was only 10 pounds when we got her.  The doctor mentioned we might end up having to wake her in the middle of the night to feed her just so she can gain more weight.  That seems silly.  She's gained nearly a pound a month since she's been here.  She had a little growth spurt a few days ago and is just about to finally outrgrow some of her 0-3 month pajamas with the feet because she's getting too tall.  Some of her clothes that she was just swimming in before are starting to fit her now.  It's fun to see these changes.

We fed her solid food for the first time last night.  Just oatmeal, but a huge step for us.  We finally got the okay from the pediatrician since we're still waiting for the speech therapist to get authorization from Medicaid to start coming out weekly.  And Sweet Pea did awesome, way better than I'd expected.  She really was ready.  Opened her mouth right up each time, barely pushed any out with her tongue, all with a big smile on her face.  I wish I could share the pictures on here!

After her pediatrician appointment, I had to take her to the hospital for bloodwork.  They said I could take her anywhere, but that they'd probably be best prepared to handle an infant at the hospital.  I was reluctant to take her there because I had to go there several times for bloodwork in my various pregnancies and the idea of having to go back there sounded traumatic.  But just as other things have been, it was better being there for Sweet Pea.  It felt like another experience coming full circle.  Life from loss.

I was so glad that I did take her to the hospital in the end.  They were so careful and gentle with Sweet Pea.  They even called in someone special to help draw her blood.  They ended up having to stick her in each arm and even then they weren't sure if they got enough.  But Sweet Pea was such a trooper.  She only cried a bit when the first needle went in and not at all for the second, even though they had to hold her down and move the needle all around to find the vein.  It was difficult to watch, but I knew it was important for me to be there for her.  It's amazing that just in these two months she's been with us that she has been able to become so attached to me that just me being there can comfort her.  I remember her first pediatrician appointment I took her to where they gave her two shots and she just screamed and screamed, unable to be soothed until she finally just fell asleep.  At this week's appointment when she got a shot and cried, she stopped quickly when I picked her up and calmed her down.  Amazing.

She is just about to get her second tooth.  There's been a big bump where you can see the tooth just about the break through for several days now.  Poor baby.  This one is really hurting her more than the first.  I just finally got her down for a nap after lots of screaming in pain.  I gave her orajel, tylenol, a teething ring.  Finally I just held her and bounced her to sleep.  Breaks my heart when I know she's in pain and there's such a limit to what I can do to help her.  And to think we could go through all this and she could still be taken away from us...

9 months

Happy 9 month birthday to our little Sweet Pea!!  We are thrilled to have been a part of her life for nearly two months now.  Thrilled to see her grow and change.  Thrilled to see her bond with us.  Thrilled to finally have that missing piece of our family.  Even if we can't know for sure that she will get to stay with us, it's such a blessing to have her here now.

She is almost sitting up on her own now.  She can sometimes sit for a minute or so unassisted before tipping over.  This is a huge improvement from even a couple of weeks ago.  She is rolling much more, but still gets frustrated feeling stuck once she's on her tummy even though she actually does know how to roll back.  She is really reaching and grabbing purposefully much more now.  We got her a new toy that you pull the flower to turn on the music and she figured out how to do it all on her own in just a day or two.  Her little tooth is coming in more and more.  Her personality is really starting to shine through.  Last weekend Shannon was in a cook-off with his parents so he was in and out often for a couple of days.  When she would see him walk in and not say anything to her, she would scream to get his attention.  Our tiny, quiet little girl is getting quite a voice!  She's still sticking her tongue out at everyone, like this is an appropriate greeting.  It's so cute to see that little tongue with her big smile.  She is loving books right now.  My mom got her several new ones recently and she just loves to be read to.  She really seems to look at the words like she's trying to figure them out.  She discovered her feet recently and now loves to play with her little toes.  She is sleeping through the night more and starting to nap less during the day.

It's like I don't want to miss or forget any little thing she does.  She has changed so much since we've had her.  I almost can't remember what she was really like at first.  She's always been a joy for us and every day she works her way into our hearts more and more.

We love you Sweet Pea!

Easily amused :)

The other night, Shannon brought me a milkshake from Whataburger.  Sweet Pea eyed it the entire time I drank it, so I washed out the cup when I was finished and gave it to her.  She thought this was just the greatest thing ever and had so much fun!!  Oh, the simple joys of being young...  :)

Looong day

Yesterday was a really long day for us.  We ended up having to drive back and forth to San Antonio twice, which is a little less than an hour each way.  First Sweet Pea had her last in the series of RSV shots at her pulmonologist's office.  That was actually the smoothest and relatively the quickest appointment we've had there so far.  Thankfully my mom went with us so she could sit in the backseat with Sweet Pea.  I've been trying to take Sweet Pea out on short car rides in town recently and it seems to be getting better, but those long drives are still hard on her and still only seem managable with someone in the backseat with her.  I know it's a bad habit to get in to, but we'll take whatever works right now.  Hours in the car with a screaming baby is unbearable.

Then Shannon took off work for the afternoon so we could take Sweet Pea to court.  It really was pretty uneventful like they'd said it would be, but I'm so glad we went.  Everyone thought Pea looked so adorable and could see such a huge improvement in how she's doing now compared to a few months ago.  No big decisions were made in court.  It's still a waiting game.  No one from her biological family was there at all, which we'd expected.  Bio mom's attorney wasn't even present, which does not look good for her if she is actually trying.  Afterward, everyone kept trying to reassure us that it looks like we'll get to keep her and to keep up the good work.  That's all good to hear, but again, there are no guarantees.  We have another court hearing scheduled for the middle of July and then parental termination for a week after that.  But that doesn't mean that mom won't get it together and get an extension before then to try to keep her rights.  It's definitely still so scary to imagine she could be taken away from us.  She is so much a part of our lives and our family already.  We did look like a family yesterday at court, not just names on a court document.  And that was worth all the driving and stress just to be able to be there for Sweet Pea.

First tooth

Sweet Pea got her first tooth yesterday.  She's been teething since we got her, but now there's finally a little tooth peaking out.  She was a good sport about it considering we were away from home with no teething ring, no Oragel, no Tylenol.  We improvised with an ice cube inside her burp rag, which she thought was great fun to chew on.  Such a big girl.  I'm so proud to be a part of these little firsts...

Acceptance

I went to my annual exam at my OB-GYN this morning.  It was (thankfully) a rather uneventful appointment.  Got my birth control shot.  Had the exam.  Talked with doctor about Sweet Pea and birth control options for the future.  But still, it's always a little stressful just being there.  Just remembering that I was there for at least one visit of each of my pregnancies and recalling all the good and bad things that have happened there in that office.  It's enough to raise anyone's blood pressure just walking back into that place.  I do like and trust my doctor a lot, so it's not worth finding another one, but it's always just a little traumatic being there.  Traumatic sounds like too dramatic a word for it, but I think it still fits.

While I was in the exam room, sitting there in that scratchy paper gown waiting for my turn, I heard the doctor in the next room examining an obviously pregnant patient.  They listened to the heartbeat of the baby and I immediately flashed back to the last time we were there.  When I was in the middle of my last miscarriage and we had the same experience of hearing another baby's heartbeat next door while I was waiting to hear more about my dead baby.  But this time thankfully there were yard men working outside, so it was mostly drowned out by the sound of a weed-eater.  And most of all, I'm not in that awful place anymore.  I can actually be happy for my friends who are pregnant and able to have biological babies of their own.  I have to admit that I am sometimes still resentful of the ones who have it so easy though.  It's much easier to feel happy for friends who have struggled to get and/or stay pregnant and rejoice with them when it finally sticks.  But those ones who never even had to try...  That's a little harder for me.  Like my friend who got pregnant on her honeymoon, first time they even tried.  Or my friend who didn't even know she was pregnant until she was in her second trimester.  I'm not so much jealous of them, but of their experience-- that they got to have that sweet, innocent joy.  That it didn't have to be mixed with bitterness and grief.

But truly, I am content with my life now.  Happy with the way things have turned out.  Thrilled to have Sweet Pea here with us now.  Glad that this birth control shot allows me to not worry about the what-ifs of another possible pregnancy.  Pleased that I haven't had to have a period since I started getting the shot last summer.  I think that's truly one of the things that has helped me heal the most, both physically and emotionally.  Before, I was having pain where my ectopic was almost daily and sometimes it was downright unbearable.  Now I barely ever even have a twinge.  It's given my body a much-needed break.  And as relatively easy as fostering to adopt has been so far, I don't know that I'll ever want to go back to trying to conceive.  I'm still pretty young, so I won't do anything drastic to where we can't one day, but I honestly cannot imagine wanting to get back on that rollercoaster again.  It just doesn't seem worth it anymore.  And the fact that I can say that feels like a good thing, like growth and acceptance and satisfaction with my life.

A New Perspective

It's funny how quickly life changes.  A year ago, I was pregnant for the last time and struggling with the highs and lows that came along with that.  Shannon was changing jobs.  Little did we know he would change jobs two more times in this past year and I would quit mine.  Little did we know we would stop trying to conceive and start trying to adopt.  Little did we know how quickly it would all happen and that we would have little Sweet Pea with us now.

We went over to visit an old friend of Shannon's last night.  It was his first time to meet Sweet Pea.  His parents were there and they were thrilled to meet her too since they've known Shannon forever.  They also adopted many years ago and know some of what we're experiencing.  While we were there, Sweet Pea got fussy so I gave her a bottle.  Afterward, I was trying to burp her when she starting to cough, then spit up everywhere.  It was one of those horrible spit ups that even came out her nose and she was struggling to breathe and turning bright red.  It scared me to death.  I know some babies spit up all the time and it's no big deal.  But Sweet Pea almost never does.  And with her cardiac/pulmononary issues, it's scary.  I'm always afraid maybe she's aspirating her formula and it's going into her lungs.  After she spit up, she seemed a little freaked out too and not feeling like herself.  By the time we got home, of course she was happy and smiling and excited it was bathtime, but it left me a little shaken for the rest of the evening.

It's amazing how she has wrapped us around her little finger in such a short period of time.  Shannon had an opportunity to be able to get paid to drive Randy Travis around all day on Sunday.  He considered it for awhile, then decided no, he'd rather stay home and spend the day with his girls.  Melt my heart...

Six week update

Sweet Pea has been here with us for six weeks now.  That time has flown by so quickly.  I've taken her to all her specialist appointments (cardiologist, pulmonologist, etc.) in the past week and those went really well.  The doctors were so patient and really took the time to explain all her diagnoses and prognoses to me.  Sometimes it's still scary because she seems just fine on a daily basis, but I know there are these issues inside of her that could cause problems.  Chances are, she may need another heart surgery when she gets older.  But as scary as all that is, I'm just glad to be able to understand what's going on and how we can best help her for the time being.  They are ordering a sleep study for her, which I am not looking forward to because that means I'll have to spend the night in the hospital too.  I'm already not sleeping great at home lately, I know I won't really sleep at all there.  Those first couple of weeks that we had her, I was so exhausted that I had no problem falling asleep.  Now my insomnia is coming back.  Sweet Pea is tending to sleep through the night more often now, but I'm up with my mind racing in the middle of the night.  So frustrating.

We are going to a court hearing for Sweet Pea next week.  It's a permanency review hearing where they'll just review her case and talk about their plan for her future, nothing too big.  I asked my stepsister (who worked for CPS for over 10 years) for advice on whether we should go or not and she was adamant we should be there.  She said Shannon and I should both go and take Sweet Pea if she's allowed in court (which we've since found out she is).  Show the judge, the lawyers, everyone there that we are a family and we care deeply about Sweet Pea and we want to be involved in this process to do what is best for her.  So we'll be there.  I'm nervous about it, mostly because I don't know exactly what to expect.  Will the judge want to talk to us?  Will the lawyers like us?  Will any of Sweet Pea's biological family be there?  I've never been to anything like this and so want everything to go well.  Nothing really will be decided at this hearing, but it all means a lot to us.

Sweet Pea certainly keeps us busy.  With physical therapy twice a week, occupational therapy once a week, speech therapy about to begin, at least one doctor's appointment a week...  And I'm still keeping Cash (my friend's baby) too.  He's just starting to figure out how to crawl, so things are definitely getting even more interesting around here.  My mom and I were brave and took both the babies out to lunch yesterday.  I know people have twins and do this sort of thing everyday, but this was a huge first for me.  Going somewhere with both of them is daunting for me, especially because they're still pretty little.  Everyone ooohed and aaahed over them and asked silly questions like "Are they twins?"  I think we're going to try a trip to WalMart this afternoon.  Now that Cash can still up well on his own, I'm hoping he can sit in the seat of the cart so we don't have to have both in their car seats.

Sweet Pea is getting bigger, but is definitely still tiny.  Last doctor's appointment she weighed in at 11 pounds 6 ounces.  She's getting a little bit of a belly which is so cute to see on her tiny frame.  She's starting to roll over on her own a bit more.  She's reaching and grabbing way more purposefully now.  She's getting closer to being able to sit up on her own soon.  The OT wants her to imitate us doing something, so we've been sticking our tongues out at her and she is starting to do it back now.  This is a huge accomplishment at our house!  It may not be so cute later on, but is so stinking adorable now when she sticks out her little tongue and smiles real big at us.  It's been such a joy to have her here with us.  She's been such a wonderful addition to our little family.  I already can't imagine what it would be like not to have her here...