Close of a Chapter

Today should have been the due date for our last baby.  I don't feel that overwhelming sadness I've felt with other due dates, but it's definitely worth noting today.  It feels like the close of a chapter of our lives.  A very long and challenging chapter, but one that has forever changed us and made us stronger.

I've been thinking since last week's holiday about what I'm thankful for.  I'm thankful for my wonderful husband who never ceases to amaze me, even when he drives me crazy sometimes.  I'm thankful for my mother who has been such a source of support-- our friendship now that I'm an adult means so much to me.  I'm thankful for other friends and family, near and far, who have been there for me through all the ups and downs.  And it may sound crazy, but I'm thankful not to be pregnant right now.  I remember I was a little pregnant at last year's Thanksgiving and couldn't even enjoy leftovers because they made me nauseaous.  And last Christmas was such a blur as I was recovering from yet another pregnancy loss.  I'm so grateful to not be in that place right now.

I do worry that we won't get our Christmas miracle after all, that we won't have kids by then.  I worry that our case manager might not have even started writing up our homestudy, leaving us in this holding pattern indefinitely.  I worry that she doesn't really get us and will place just any foster kids with us out of convenience, not truly matching us with the ones we're meant to adopt.  I'm so ready to have our kids here.  I've definitely got baby fever lately.  I'm still keeping my friend's baby during the day and have so enjoyed that experience.  I'm just ready to have a little one that we can keep here all the time.  Hopefully soon, hopefully soon.