Jealousy again

Today is a hard day.  Wow.  I just got some crazy news.  My oldest friend who I've known since I was 5 just told me she is pregnant.  And while outwardly I'm happy for her, inside I'm so shocked and jealous that I can barely think straight.  I hate to be judgemental, but this is the last person I can imagine pregnant and having a baby.  She isn't married, doesn't even live with her boyfriend.  Up until recently, she had blue hair, is covered in tattoos and is a burlesque dancer in her free time.  She has become much more settled and responsible for her in the past few years, but still this is completely shocking.  How can this be fair?!?  And to top it all off, she thought she was just barely pregnant, but went to the doctor today and is already 16 weeks along!!  She has just breezed through the entire first trimester and I could never even make it past 8 weeks!  How can life be fair when she is going to be a mother before me??  I know this sounds incredibly selfish and awful and I hate to even feel this way.  I hate that news like this can just destroy my day and make me question everything all over again.  I hate that my body won't work right for me to carry a baby more than a few weeks.  I hate that I cannot just be happy for an old friend with happy news.  I hate that I have been jaded by my experiences.  I hate that I often still feel so alone in it all.  I mean, I have friends and family to talk to about it, but it's still me that has to deal with these feelings.

So I try to focus on the positives.  I try to remember what we're working toward here and how we could have kids here in our home in the next few months.  And that's a good thing.  But today, it's hard to see past the pain and jealousy and stay focused on my own path.  Today is a hard day...