Finally

I had my second RE appointment this week and we are finally starting to get some answers to my fertility problems. I had been concerned about a possible thyroid condition for about a month now. My ob-gyn had tested my thyroid about a month ago and determined my levels were "borderline", but did not seem overly concerned. The more and more I read about thyroid levels told me that the "borderline" TSH level was, in fact, very concerning, especially when trying to get/maintain pregnant. That alone was one of the main reason I even decided to pursue seeing a fertility specialist. I had just been telling myself I've been unlucky and pregnancy losses just happen sometimes, etc. And while all that is true, I couldn't be satisfied once I had a hint that maybe there was actually something causing these losses and that we could actually do something to help prevent it from happening again.

So you can only imagine my joy when the RE told me this week that I have not one, but two, diagnosable, treatable conditions that can lead to recurrent pregnancy loss! Oh my goodness, we could have gone on and on trying and just continued to lose more babies! They agreed with my thryroid concerns (yea for me for fighting for that!) and I've started taking Synthroid this week. I assume this means I'll be on that medication for the rest of my life, but it's completely worth it if it helps us get closer to having a baby of our own. The 2nd thing I tested positive for is a protein S deficiency, which as I understand it is a blood clotting disorder. To treat that, he said I would have to take baby aspirin or heparin when I get pregnant again.

The rest of the appointment was positive too. He did an ultrasound and had nothing but good things to point out. My 1st ultrasound at the RE's office was the completely opposite. At that one, she just kept pointing out all the problems she saw. Hearing things like, "Oh, this is not what we're looking for" or "This isn't what your ovaries should look like" are not encouraging statements. She was concerned about endometriosis and a fibroid in my uterus and possible cysts on my ovaries. Oh my god, what else could be wrong with my reproductive system?? But the ultrasound this week was nothing but good news. He said things like "What beautiful ovaries!" and "Look at all those great follicles!" I left feeling so very hopeful for the future.

Still, the testing and waiting continues. I'm starting my Clomid challenge this week. I'll go back for 2 more ultrasounds next week and several more rounds of bloodwork, etc. Who knew I'd be here one day? Who knew I'd end up having to take medications to get pregnant, then even more to stay pregnant? Who knew I'd endure vials and vials of blood draws just to find an answer? Who knew my reproductive system was going to be projected up on an ultrasound screen so often and that the idea of a transvaginal probe wouldn't really bother me anymore??

I think back to 3 years ago before we starting ttc in the first place. I would never ever in a million years have imagined this is where we would be today. Poor naive me. But then again, this experience has made me stronger, made us stronger as a couple, made us stronger as family. And for that, I am thankful. Finally.

Intro

I decided to start this blog as a way to share my story. As a way to help myself heal and grow and express myself. As a way to help others who might have similar experiences. As a place to put all of this sorrow and joy and pain and hope and confusion and every other mixed emotion I've had through all of this.

Here's the short version of my story:

I married my husband Shannon five years ago this May, but we've been together nearly 10 years. I always knew without a doubt I wanted to have kids, but we chose to wait to start trying until we were more secure and settled, until I'd finished grad school, until we'd bought our own home. We officially started trying 2 1/2 years ago and I've had 3 pregnancy losses along the way. My first pregnancy turned out to be ectopic and I had laparoscopic surgery to remove it (but saved the tube) January 2008. My 2nd pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage in November 2008. D&C that time. I just had my 3rd pregnancy loss last month. A blighted ovum this time. Miscarried naturally.

Some days it's too much to even fathom, to even consider all we've been through these past couple of years. Some days I'm just completely overwhelmed with sadness and grief. Most days I try to stay positive and hopeful for the future. I've recently started fertility testing with an RE and will go back for my second round of tests tomorrow morning. It feels good to go there, like we're finally taking a positive step towards having a happy, healthy baby of our own one day.

I found this quote today and it seemed to be such a wonderful way to capture my fertility experience so far.

"We are so often caught up in our destination that we forget to appreciate the journey, especially the goodness of the people we meet on the way. Appreciation is a wonderful feeling, don't overlook it."
Author Unknown

So here I go in taking another step in the journey and trying to appreciate what I have along the way. Thanks for listening.