Giving thanks

So much to be thankful for this year:

• My #1 thing I'm thankful for this year is easily Payton.  She has completely changed our lives in so many amazing ways.  I love being her mama and feel so lucky to finally be able to officially call her my daughter!
• I'm thankful for my sweet husband who challenges me, supports me, encourages me, pushes me, frustrates me and makes me laugh.  It's been awesome to see him grow into such a wonderful daddy and to share these past 11+ years together.
• I'm thankful for my mom.  She's always there for me and loves Payton just as dearly as I do.  I could not have made it through the past few years without her.
• I'm thankful for my newborn niece.  We got to Skype with them today and she was so adorable, looked just like a little baby doll.
• I'm thankful for my fun nephew.  Even though we live far apart, I love that we still have a connection, that he still knows me and asks for me.  He is certainly one of the things that helped most when I was struggling through all my losses.
• I'm thankful for our extended families, both near and far.  I love that we live in the same town as much of Shannon's family and that we get to see Payton running around with cousins and having such a great time.
• I'm thankful for our home.  While maintaining it and paying for it can be a struggle sometimes, I absolutely love our neighborhood and our house and wouldn't want to be anywhere else.
• I'm thankful that Payton is taking a second nap today.  After getting up much too early, helping me put up the Christmas tree, going over to visit family and eat for Thanksgiving, running running running to keep up with the older cousins, she just crashed this afternoon.  On that note, I think I'll enjoy this peace and quiet and go take a nap myself  :)

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!!!

IT'S A GIRL!!

(This is only a week late, but better late than never!)

Introducing our daughter Payton Alexis!  Born 6/15/10, adopted into our forever family 11/18/11!!

I'll share more pics from adoption day soon, but I'm waiting to get some from the rest of the family.  Shannon and I were so busy celebrating and chasing Payton around that we only took 3 pictures with our camera the whole day!  It was an amazing day that I'll never forget.

My cup runneth over

My brother and his wife had their new baby girl Farrah this morning.  Can't believe our family is adding two little girls in two days!!  We are so blessed!

Last little steps

We went to the CPS office this morning to read Sweet Pea's file (and her mother's file, which was much more informative).  In it, we saw pictures of Sweet Pea's biological siblings.  I had seen their names and birthdates on paperwork before, but had not imagined we would see photos too.  It was amazing how much family resemblance there is.  It made me wish we could have contact with them, but I know that's not an option right now.

There were also letters in the file that bio mom had written to the caseworker about how much she wanted Sweet Pea and how she was going to do everything she could to get her back.  We were both in tears reading these.  I'm happy to know that we'll be able to tell Sweet Pea one day how much she wanted her even though she wasn't able to keep her in the end.

Then we signed all of our adoptive placement paperwork and we were done.  It all was very quick and impersonal.  The adoptive caseworker we met with to sign the contracts is someone we've only known through phone conversations and emails.  I'm certain she's never even read the files herself.  She kept calling Sweet Pea a boy since she's only seen her name in paperwork and never met her in person.

We decided to stop off in the bathroom before our drive back home.  Shannon was bit by a flea while he was in there.  Couldn't get out of that place fast enough.

Now we're just counting the hours until Friday morning when the judge makes it official and we have our forever family!!

17 months old

Today Sweet Pea is 17 months old.  I'm thinking back to how far she has come in her little life.  From starting out at only 2 pounds and spending months in the NICU only to have doctors debate what they could do to help this sick little girl, wondering if she could even survive the heart surgery she ended up getting at 5 months old.  Fast forward to 7 months old when she came to live with us and was still so small (only 10 pounds) and so tense all the time.  Now here she is standing in front of me, this sweet tiny little ball of energy and love, wanting me to chase her down the hall and giggling all the way.

We are so very lucky to have this tiny miracle in our lives.  We had a weight check at the pediatrician last week and were thrilled that she gained over a pound in the past month, so now she's up to just over 16 pounds.  16 pounds at 17 months.

Adoption Day is Friday.

We go to the CPS office tomorrow to sign adoptive contracts and read her file.  This really is happening.  She really will be ours forever.  It's still all so surreal.

October in pictures

Here are a few cute pictures of our Sweet Pea from the past month.  Can't wait til we can show pics of her actual face in a couple of weeks when she's adopted and officially ours forever!!

"Shopping" at the Children's Museum

Picking out the perfect pumpkin at the pumpkin patch

Helping with the plants in the backyard

Kissing her singing skeleton "Jack"

Our little ladybug waiting for the trick-or-treaters!

Playing with the basketball goal that I had as a child

Tentative adoption date :)

We've been filling out paperwork for Sweet Pea's adoption.  With this paperwork comes questions.  Shannon called our newest CPS adoption caseworker this morning with questions.  While talking with her, she asked if we'd decided whether we want to have an individual or mass adoption for Sweet Pea.  An individual adoption would just be us and our family with the judge and would last all of a few minutes then we'd be done.  A mass adoption is like a big party they have once a month where there are many kids being adopted at the same time.  There's celebrating, gifts, lots of fun.  We'd been leaning toward this, but hadn't officially decided.  Our caseworker this morning explained how the mass adoption in November is an especially big deal because it's National Adoption Month, so they have an even bigger celebration than usual.  So nothing's set in stone yet, but it's looking like we'll have our Sweet Pea adopted on November 18th in this big, fun mass adoption.  Butterflies in my stomach  :)

Growing up

Sweet Pea had her 15 month check-up with the pediatrician today.  Since she was born 3 months early, she's officially one-year-old according to her adjusted age.  This means it's time to stop giving her formula and stop the bottles.  I knew this was coming.  We've been using a sippy cup for quite a while and I've tried her formula in a cup a few times and she's done great with it.  I've been talking about it and preparing for it.  But when the doctor said to get rid of the bottles, I suddenly felt protective of my little baby.  Shannon and I talked about it and we'll just finish up the can of formula we already have open, mixing in whole milk too to help her transition.  We'll keep using the bottles as long as we're still using formula, then switch over completely to the cup.  I know it's time.  I know she's ready.  I know she'll do fine.  But it's also sad to see our sweet little baby growing up so quickly...

First steps!

Sweet Pea took her first little steps tonight!  She's been getting so close, just never trusting herself to actually do it.  This evening she kept practicing standing on her own, both on accident and on purpose a few times.  Usually when we are helping her walk or stand and try to let go of her hands, she just sits right down and refuses to do it on her own.  But tonight right before bedtime, Shannon helped her walk over to me on the couch and let go and she walked a couple of steps purposefully on her own!  She repeated it a few times, then was so exhausted she wouldn't try it anymore.  I'd hardly call her a walker yet, but we're well on our way.  So proud of our tiny little Sweet Pea!!

Dreams

The other night I had a dream again that I was pregnant.  I had gotten up in the middle of the night feeling nauseous and went to sleep on the couch, then had this dream.  It was one of those completely vivid, realistic feeling dreams where when I woke up, I really had to think if it were real or not.  In the dream, something made me think I was pregnant, so I scrounged up a cheap dollar store pregnancy test I'd stashed away and it turned positive right away.  I went to the doctor and he did an ultrasound and told me I was already 12 weeks along.  I remember vividly seeing the baby girl like the sonogram was really a video camera and we could see her so clearly.

I've had dreams like this before.  Where I suddenly find out I'm pregnant and already several weeks into it.  Honestly, this would be my ideal pregnancy if I were ever to get pregnant again.  Those first few weeks are so filled with stress and worry.  I'd love to skip all that and be well into it before I knew.  But I know with all my history and complications, that probably would never happen.  Chances are, a pregnancy for me would not last without intervention.  I would at least need an increase in my thyroid medication (it's my deep-down belief that my elevated thyroid levels at the early stages of the pregnancies fully or partly caused the miscarriages).

I don't know if I'll ever even want to try to get pregnant again.  Right now, that feels like a million miles away.  I'm so glad not to be in the middle of all that anymore, to feel in control and like I can trust my body again right now.  When Shannon and I have discussed expanding our family, he's said he doesn't want to foster/adopt any more babies.  He said if we're going to have a baby, it's going to be biological.  I can't believe he would ever want to go back there again.  Either he didn't think it was that bad or maybe I never let on to how bad it was for me...  It feels like that time had a huge black cloud over it and I couldn't even think straight, but now it's lifted.

I had dinner with a good friend recently and she said she pictures us having a biological child one day.  That surprised me.  I don't know where I'll be with it in the future, but I know it would still be awhile before I could revisit that.  Really, my ideal would be for Sweet Pea's bio mom to have another baby and we could adopt it.  (Yes, I know how awful that sounds to wish for her to have another child taken away.  That's hardly my dream, but it is realistic.  Sweet Pea was already the fifth child taken away and rights terminated on.  And I would love for her to have a biological sibling too.)  Shannon had said he didn't like the idea of that, but when our new adoption case manager from our agency was out recently, he asked her many questions about what would happen if bio mom did have another baby-- would we be contacted? what if we were inactive/not licensed at the time?  So we'll see what the future holds.

I just can't imagine Sweet Pea being the only baby we ever have...

15 months

Dear Sweet Pea,

Today is your 15th month birthday and you're doing so many fun, new things these days.  I feel so lucky to have you in our lives and just wanted to make sure we can remember these special days.  Here are just a few of the things I absolutely love about you lately:

• You want to walk everywhere, but don’t trust yourself yet to stand or take steps on your own. You just learned to walk holding on with only one hand and think this is the greatest trick ever and will do this all day if someone will walk with you. You smile and laugh and look so proud of yourself.


• You are willing to try so many new foods now and are eating “grown-up” food so much more too. You even ate bratwurst and sauerkraut for dinner the other night and loved it! (We’ll make you a German after all!)

• After coming to us with your head shaved and practically no hair, it has finally really grown in. Comments about your thick, long hair are the most often things we hear from passing strangers these days.

• Since you’ve been watching me exercising at home lately, now when it says the word “exercise” in one of your favorite books, you clap and smile at me. Thanks for the encouragement!

• You wave hi and bye consistently now. When you see me with my work bag and starting to gather my things together, you start waving bye-bye whether it’s time for me to leave yet or not.

• You can say “dada”, “mama” and “nana” and imitate other sounds, but can be heard saying “dada” most often these days, even when Daddy is nowhere nearby.

• You can answer yes or no now. You nod your head and say “yeah yeah” when you really like something.

• You love to take every single toy out of your toy bin and are finally learning how to put things back in to containers now.

• You are learning to blow kisses, but most often just hold your hand up to your mouth and that’s it.

• You will give us kisses when we ask for them sometimes now. You’re most likely to decide to do it if one person is holding you and they tell you to kiss someone else. You’ll still kiss any stuffed animal or really anything soft anytime.

• You love to play in your crib most times after you wake up in the morning or after a nap. I can often hear you babbling away and turning on your musical mirror. Once I go in to get you, you still usually don’t want to get up, but want to show me all your cuteness like jumping in your crib and pulling down your snuggly blanket.

• You like to spin in a circle while sitting down, pushing yourself around with your leg.

• When you are in a cranky mood and can’t seem to be soothed by anything else, the thing that always works is to put you in your Jump-a-Roo. You jump and laugh and finally calm yourself down. You love it so much that you often happily fall asleep in there.

• You’ve learned how to push buttons on your toys to turn them on and look so very proud of yourself when you do, looking up to make sure we’re watching what a big girl you are.

• In the past couple of days you figured out how to unroll an entire roll of toilet paper, learned how to undo your diaper and are refusing to go to sleep without a fight.

• You love to push many of your toys all around the house, “walking” behind it on your knees.

• You absolutely love our cat Gracie, but do not understand how to be calm and quiet around her. Interactions between the two of you usually end with Gracie hissing and trying to hide from you while you scream and chase her until we have to intervene and rescue the cat.

• You have just learned to point and will finally look at whatever we’re pointing at for you. You love to take our fingers and make us point at things for you.

• You are learning about body parts and especially love noses and belly buttons.

• You are starting to really pay attention to what’s on TV. You really seem to like Dora and Elmo.

• You still love music and will dance spontaneously when you hear something you like.

We love you so much and can't wait to see what's next!  Happy 15 months Sweet Pea!!!

Little moments

I was talking to someone I just met yesterday and she asked me if we have kids.  I immediately, without even thinking, responded "yes".  This is the first time this has happened and the magnitude of the moment was not lost on me.  I have been telling people about Sweet Pea for months, explaining how we're fostering to adopt.  But now this shift has occured, now she feels like our daughter, not just a sweet little baby they've given us to care for.

Tonight before bed, we had a sweet moment together.  I had quiet lullaby music on to calm her down before giving her bedtime bottle and decided we should dance.  She laughed and smiled at me as we spun around.  Then she lay her head on my shoulder and started patting my back just like I would pat hers to help her fall asleep.  Such a sweet girl, such a little miracle...  My daughter.

What a difference a year makes

I was driving in my car alone the other day and got all the way out of my neighborhood before I realized that I was singing along to kids music without even having Sweet Pea in the car...

Last night, I went out to dinner with a friend so Shannon was home alone with Sweet Pea.  They watched the football game together and he said she absolutely loved it.  She crawled around in circles when they were running on the field and clapped when she could here them cheering.  The cutest thing was she kept hearing the commentator say her name, so she kept smiling and pointing at the TV.

A year ago, we would not have had these sweet little experiences.  I'm so very grateful for all she has brought in our lives  :)

Finally... an update

Wow, it has been way too long since I last posted.  I guess it's just a sign that we've been super busy and things have been going pretty smoothly, so I haven't needed this outlet so much.  Having Sweet Pea's biological parents' right terminated was such a huge relief for us and there has been such a shift in attitude and a peace that has come too.  We know that very little if anything could take her away from us now.  We are still looking forward to the actual adoption, but really it's only a matter of time.  It will be very special I know, but she already is such a part of us, such an integral part of our family that I couldn't imagine us without her.

Sweet Pea turned 14 months old recently, then we had the 7 month anniversary of when she came to live with us.  Now that means that she has been with us for over half her life and that is such a good feeling.  All the struggles she experienced before she was with us are in the past now and we can just look forward to our forever future together.

Her personality is continuing to grow and come out too.  She definitely has her own opinion on things and makes it very well known.  My mom (who spends a great deal of time with Sweet Pea) has already bought us a book about the strong-willed child for when we're ready.  She is getting really close to walking now.  Just a couple of days ago, we discovered she can walk holding on with just one hand and now this is all she wants to do all the time.  I know she physically could stand on her own and even probably take a couple of steps on her own now too, but she still doesn't trust herself yet.  If you let her go, she simply sits down and cries for you to stand her right back up again.

I started a new contract job a few weeks ago.  It's been going well overall, but definitely overwhelming at first and I'm still figuring out how to balance it all (which I imagine I always will be trying to figure out.)  I ideally would like to work 2-3 days a week, but it's been more like 4+ here at first.  We are so very lucky to have my mom to take care of Sweet Pea while I'm working.  They are so bonded to one another too that she even prefers her Nana over myself or Shannon sometimes.  With this new job, I decided it was time for me to stop keeping my friend's baby every day too.  It was a difficult decision and one we discussed quite a bit.  We do miss him, but I really do think it's for the best.  It's been freeing for us that we can go more places and do more things with just one baby now.  I'd never imagined how difficult it would be to get out of the house with two one-year-olds.  I used to think I wanted to be a stay at home mom or even run a daycare out of my home, but these past several months showed me that's not the best fit for me.  I think our arrangement now hopefully will be ideal once I can settle into a more set schedule.  Getting to work outside the home and getting to stay home some too has been a good fit for me so far.

As far as the adoption, we still waiting to hear what our next step is.  Sweet Pea has a new adoption caseworker from CPS and we have another case manager from our agency who will help us with the adoption.  We chose an adoption attorney and filled out all our paperwork from him.  We were at a standstill with him about a week ago because he couldn't file our paperwork until we chose a new middle name for Sweet Pea.  We will be keeping her same first name, but changing the middle and last names.  I never imagined it would be so hard to chose just a middle name, but it took us quite a while to settle on.  We finally did, so now our adoption paperwork should have been filed with the court, whatever that means.  Everyone keeps saying it should just take a couple of months, but it's hard too know when it will finally be completed.  I can't wait to finally be able to introduce her publicly and show pictures of her on here.  Soon enough, I hope I hope...

Blessings in surprise

Today was even more special and emotional than I had even imagined.  We had court this morning for the trial for Sweet Pea's biological parents' scheduled termination of rights.  I woke up early this morning with butterflies in my stomach, which I hadn't expected.  My mom went with us and I'm so glad she wanted to be a part of it all.  We got there really early since we weren't sure what traffic would be like.  Sweet Pea's biological mom got there pretty soon after us, but no one else from our group was there yet.  Bio mom came over and asked if the attorneys were there yet.  I said no, then she went to sit on another bench away from us.  We waited and played with Sweet Pea for a long time as our case manager, CPS caseworker and the attorneys all finally arrived.  We were supposed to be first on the docket, but kept getting skipped.  We could see bio mom talking with her attorney and starting to cry.  Then they take bio mom into another room and come to inform us that she has decided to relinquish her rights.  She comes back out in tears and they finally call us into the courtroom.  As we're walking in, bio mom's attorney comes over to us and says, "This has been a very difficult decision, but one she has made out of love.  She knows you're the only parents her daughter has ever known.  She's been watching you here in the hall and sees how much love you have for the baby and she has for you.  She's decided to relinquish her rights so she can stay with you."  Now we all have tears in our eyes as we're walking in to court.  The attorney gives a similar speech in the courtroom and the judge states he knows that this isn't a giving up on the child, but giving her a better life.  Tears again.  Then it's all over and termination has officially happened and they've waived the 90 days that relatives typically have to come forward.  We can officially start to move forward with the adoption now.

Bio mom requested to have time to say goodbye and hold Sweet Pea one more time.  I'm all for this.  I want them to have this time.  I feel so much for her and want to be able to give her this.  Sweet Pea's caseworker took her to another room to have supervised private time with bio mom while we were introduced to an adoption attorney who just happened to be there.  I had so much trouble paying attention to what he was saying because all I could hear was Sweet Pea screaming at the tops of her lungs.  Her bio mom is a stranger to her.  They bring her back over to us and Shannon takes her.  She calms a bit, then reaches for me and nuzzles her face in mine, calming completely back down.

We start to walk down the hall and bio mom is there.  She says, "She was crying for you.  I know she loves you and I want her to stay with you."  She tells us she has some clothes from when Sweet Pea was first born and teeny tiny and she wants us to have them.  I tell her thank you and I mean it, genuinely and for much more than the clothes.  I can hardly believe the gift she has given us.  I'm sure relinquishment was not what she had planned when she arrived there this morning.  I can't imagine what she is going through.  I am so thankful to her for giving Sweet Pea life, for giving us her baby to raise so willingly today.  I could not have imagined it would go so beautifully and I am so grateful for these little blessings.

Six months

Sweet Pea has been here with us for six months now.  Here are just a few of the fun and cute things I love about her these days:

• The way she wants to pull to standing everywhere now

• The way she wiggle-wiggles

• The way she likes to smell things lately, especially our feet

• The way she kisses all her stuffed animals or pretty much anything fabric, but only saves kisses for people for special moments

• The way she has started saying “mama”

• The way she has learned to turn pages of books on her own now and will sit and “read” for such a long time

• The way she is able to sit and focus on one task for a long time all on her own

• The way she loves to “walk” with us holding her hands, always with a big smile on her face

• The way she is still so serious with new people or in new situations, waiting to see what is expected of her, then once she settles in she is such a warm, sweet girl

• The way she has come so far in the past months that she does not even need any of the therapies anymore

• The way she loves the other baby that I watch and will let him kiss her, but pushes him away if he lingers too long

• The way her teeth are coming in out of order and even though she barely has two that can even touch, she still has learned how to grind them together

• The new “b-b-b” motorboat noise she has discovered this week

We will be going to court tomorrow morning to see if her biological parents' rights are terminated.  Bittersweet, for sure.

Shower

I've been taking the babies for a walk in the mornings.  No matter how early we leave, it's always already over 80 degrees.  That's Texas in the summer for ya.  So when we get back, I'd love to be able to take a shower right away.  Cash always goes right to sleep in his swing with no problems.  Lately Sweet Pea naps during the walk, then refuses to go back down once we get home like she used to.  Today I decided we would try something new, so I brought toys into my bathroom that I thought Sweet Pea would play with while I took a quick shower.  She seemed fine right until I stepped into the shower.  Then she SCREAMED non-stop until I got out.  She cried like I'd abandoned her forever.  She pulled herself up and stood at the end of the shower screaming "MAMAMAMA" over and over.  It didn't matter if she could see me, she still cried until I got out, got dressed and picked her up to comfort her.  This new separation anxiety phase is even worse than the first go-round.  We're going to have to figure something out or we're going to have one stinky mommy.

court

We went to court this afternoon for Payton's permanency hearing, basically just a check-in on her case.  Like I thought, it was no new news for us.  Termination of parental rights is still scheduled for next Thursday.  That will be a huge relief if it all happens as planned.  Even though nothing major happened, it's still exhausting just going to court.  Emotionally exhausting really.  Bio mom did show up today, but she was late.  The judge was running about 30 minutes behind and she still missed court.  She came in right after both sides had rested and the judge adjourned the case.  I recognized her right when she came in, but Shannon had never seen her before and he was holding Sweet Pea.  She sat down right behind us but there was never any contact.  Our case manager quickly said, "Let's go" and we headed out the back door, to the elevator and left as soon as we could.  Sweet Pea's caseworker was talking with her as we were leaving.  Those mixed feelings were there again, for both myself and Shannon.  Glad because it only looked good for us that we were there and there has never been any bio family at any of the court hearings.  But sad because she did show, but didn't even get to say her part or really see Sweet Pea.  Not that we want any visits, but still...  The grief for her is still so present.

We finally watched "The Blind Side" last night.  Cried.  Liked it a lot.  It's definitely not the same as our story, but has similarities with taking in a child, adoption, etc.  It reaffirmed that we feel like we're doing the right thing.  The right thing for us, the right thing for Sweet Pea.  Shannon asked me afterward if I'm sure about keeping Sweet Pea, that he just wanted to make sure we're on the same page as we move along.  I absolutely cannot imagine our lives without her.  She feels like such a part of us.  When I look at her, I feel at home.  You know that feeling when you know and love someone so much that they just feel like home?  Sweet Pea is definitely home for me.  Both comforting and somewhat scary as nothing is finalized yet.  Hopefully soon enough.  Soon enough.

Beach trip

We had a great time at the beach.  Sweet Pea absolutely loved splashing in the waves and didn't even mind when the water splashed in her face.  She would lick her lips over and over again to taste the salty water.  Too cute.  She didn't love the sand, but was really a good sport the whole time.  We forgot our camera the first day down at the beach when she was in a super happy mood, but did get some good pics the next day even though she was pretty sleepy.

We did discover that she is cutting *four* new teeth right now, so that helps to explain the recent fussiness.  Also her new independence by being able to crawl both excites her and frustrates her.  Now she knows she can go other places and knows we exist when we step out of her sight, so her separation anxiety has heightened again.  All weekend when I would leave the room, she would cry "nanananana" until she could see me again.  The past couple of days I've started hearing her say "Mama" a few times, but not consistently yet.  It's still such a sweet thing to hear though...

We go to court this afternoon for a permanency hearing.  I don't imagine we'll hear anything new there, but I'll be glad to have this behind us.  It's just one more step to termination, then moving toward adoption and that's a great goal to have  :)

What a difference a year makes :)

We had our licensing inspection this afternoon and passed with flying colors.  She asked questions and walked through our house, but hardly looked at any of the things I thought she would.  We were more than prepared and she had no concerns at all.  It's so good to have that behind us.

Our agency case manager and Sweet Pea's caseworker both came out for a visit yesterday evening.  We talked about what to expect at court next week, then at the termination trial the week after that, then what will happen once we enter the adoption phase.  It's crazy how easily and quickly this is happening.  I don't want to jinx it by saying that, but it really has been smooth.  Our case manager pointed out that we need to take our cat to the vet this month because she's due for her shots.  That means it's been a year now since we started this whole foster/adopt process.  What a difference a year makes  :)

Now all we need to do is pack for our little beach vacation.  We leave tomorrow afternoon and I am so ready.  We need a change of scenery for a bit and I can't wait to introduce Sweet Pea to all these new things.

New stage: screaming

Oh goodness, Sweet Pea has entered a new phase this week.  She has learned to SHRIEK and is using this often.  She's been in a generally cranky mood and the littlest thing seems to set her off.  Since the only word she knows is "dada" and this isn't very versitile, when she wants to express herself she screams this whiny shriek to get our attention.  Often.  I know she must be teething again and I hope this is the source of her crankiness and it passes soon.  I had always been so proud that she could put herself to sleep with little to no trouble, but that has really changed the past couple of days.  Twice yesterday after I layed her down, she screamed and cried so much that she threw up everywhere.  Twice.  It's not even that I'm leaving her in there screaming for a long time.  Last night, she was in there for less than a minute before she'd thrown up.  Her shriek seems to irritate her throat, make her cough, then throw up.  Fun.  This morning she screamed forever when I put her down for a nap, kept standing up in her crib and not knowing how to lay herself back down, then screamed some more until she finally wore herself out.  And this afternoon, she threw a huge fit at naptime no matter what I tried.  I finally had to rock her in my arms standing up in her room with the white noise machine and lullaby CD blaring to drown out her screaming.  It's not that she's not tired.  It's like since she's learning all these fun new skills--like crawling, pulling herself up to standing and cruising around the furniture--that she absolutely does not want to sleep but must practice her new tricks even though she's so exhausted that she ends up collapsed on the floor screaming in tears.

Needless to say, this new stage is exhausting for me.  I love that I'm able to be home with her most of the time, but lately it's been wearing on me.  The non-stop, 24/7 neediness is tiring.  Shannon's been busy with other things most evenings lately, so it's just been me.  He hasn't been a part of our bedtime night routine in so long and it feels like I almost never get a break.  Thankfully my mom is nearby and does still come over often to help and I appreciate that more than I can express.  Shannon did get up with Sweet Pea once in the middle of the night a few nights ago and that was much appreciated too.

It's hard to feel this way.  After wanting a child for so long, it's hard to feel exhausted now that I finally have mine.  I feel guilty.  I know there's not really anything I can do at those moments, but it's easy to feel like a little bit of a bad mom when she's screaming in her crib.  But I do still love Sweet Pea dearly and would do anything in the world for her.  I'll just be glad when we get through this screaming stage...

Update

We will finally be having our first licensing visit this week.  We've obviously been licensed foster parents for months and licensing could have come out any time before or after we'd gotten kids.  Somehow we'd just be overlooked for the past several months, but now it's our turn.  I think everything will be fine in our home, but it's always stressful to have someone come out and judge us.  Someone who technically has the power to close our home and stop us from keeping Sweet Pea.  Not that I think that will happen by any stretch of the imagination, but still gets me worrying.  Lots of little things to do to prep this week...

Our agency case manager will be coming out the day before the licensing visit to make sure everything looks good.  We heard more news from her about bio mom this week.  Doesn't look good at all for her.  The email was sent to me with a smiley face and even that I had mixed feelings about.  It's clearly good news for us, but still Shannon and I both had little tears in our eyes when I told him about it.

We'll be going to the beach for a long weekend next week.  It will be our first little family vacation and I'm so looking forward to it.  Excited to get away, excited for Sweet Pea to see the ocean for the first time, for her to put her feet in the sand and feel the saltwater.  I've already started gathering things to take for her.  If only packing for myself were so fun and easy.

Sweet Pea started crawling consistently this week.  She's been scooting on her belly--pushing off with one foot and pulling with one arm--for weeks, but now she's got it coordinated up on her hands and knees.  Her physical therapy supervisor should come out and reassess her sometime this week and I'm pretty sure she'll discharge her.  They had just been waiting to see her start crawling and make sure she was doing it correctly and now she is.  And I *finally* got rid of the occupational therapist this week too.  I honestly don't think she ever did anything to help Sweet Pea or to teach us what we could do to help her.  I had questioned her about goals, spoken with her supervisor, but she still stuck around.  This week I was trying to explain to her that all the other therapists are winding down and shouldn't she be finished too.  She tried to convince me she should come out once a month just to check on Sweet Pea.  None of the other therapists who actually helped us are doing that!  I know she just wanted to be able to milk Medicaid and keep getting paid for visit after visit.  She didn't even know how to do the discharge paperwork.  Not my concern.  Thank goodness we'll be done with all the therapies, that Sweet Pea has come so far that she has actually caught up with and even surpassed her adjusted age.  This is a huge step that I'm thrilled to be a part of.

Reassurance

Sweet Pea's caseworker came out to visit yesterday afternoon.  She came in reassuring me that we have nothing to worry about.  That bio mom does not have it together, that things do not look good for her at all.  That Sweet Pea is right where she should be and where she will stay.

I'll be glad to be out of this limbo phase, to be past the parental termination trial (provided it goes the way we hope it will).  I imagine I'll always have mixed feelings about this process and about bio mom.  The fact that someone else has to suffer for us to finally have our family is difficult to accept.  It's like imagining that for me to finally have a successful pregnancy that someone else would have to suffer a loss at the same time.  It's hard to be completely at peace knowing our happiness is causing someone else pain.

But then Sweet Pea reaches up to me, touches my face gently and gives me kiss.  Yes, it's all worth it.  Worth it for this sweet little girl who has come into our lives and changed us forever.

Mixed feelings meeting

I went to Sweet Pea's permanency plan meeting this morning.  Turns out, I had reason to be a little worried.  Bio mom was there.  It was my first time to see her.  So glad I did not bring Sweet Pea, who hasn't seen her since she was 10 days old.  It was comforting that the caseworker and our case manager sat on each side of me, so I felt supported.  There were only five of us in the room and bio mom sat right across from me.

I have such mixed feelings about bio mom and that is a serious understatement.  On one hand, obviously she's done things and made choices that led to her having Sweet Pea removed from her care.  So it seems like it would be easy to vilify her, right?  But then again, she did give birth to this adorable baby who I love so much and she is trying to do the right thing, even if it is in a limited way.

I tried not to make too much eye contact with her, but when they gave her a chance to talk, she asked me all kinds of questions about Sweet Pea.  Has her hair grown in?  Does she look like me?  Is she happy?  Does she still have thick eyebrows?  She was disappointed I didn't bring Sweet Pea and had even brought a camera to take pictures of her.  She tried to give this disposable camera to me to take pictures to send to her, but luckily the caseworker intervened and offered to share pictures with bio mom just as she has been all these months.  Bio mom said she would appreciate that because just getting one picture of Sweet Pea brightens her whole day.  Break my heart...

Towards the end, they asked the caseworker what the permanency plan is and she repeated (as it has been since we got Sweet Pea):  Termination of parental rights and unrelated adoption.  They asked bio mom if this had been explained to her.  She said she understood and is trying to do all she can to get her back and hopes for an extension.

As we left, our case manager repeated to me that bio mom's efforts really are just too little too late.  I want to say I hope she's right, but then there's those mixed feelings again.  I don't want Sweet Pea to go anywhere.  Selfishly, I want her to stay right here with us forever.  But I feel for bio mom more than I ever thought I would.  But then again, I know being with bio mom would not be good for Sweet Pea at this time.  She is not stable to say the least and is essentially a stranger to a baby who needs quite a bit of extra care.

I am glad I went to the meeting.  I'm glad I got meeting bio mom out of the way and that it wasn't traumatic to anyone involved.  She talked about hoping to get visitation with Sweet Pea, but she's glad to know she's well taken care of now.  I'm sure she'll be at our court dates next month when we were planning to have Sweet Pea there too.  I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I felt like crying on the way home, but didn't.  It was a weird feeling.  I know we are lucky that we haven't had to deal with bio families at all up to this point and that is rare in the foster care system.  It's just so hard to give so much of yourself to someone/something and wonder if it will all be taken away.  It's hard to know how much bio mom does love Sweet Pea in her own way.  I feel emotionally exhausted after this today and I still have to go put on my therapist hat and work with pregnant and parenting teen girls.  Can't wait to relax and go to bed early tonight...

Check-up

I took Sweet Pea to her 1 year check-up with the pediatrician today.  I was hoping for her to weigh at least 14 pounds and she was just under.  She has grown a lot taller now and is now finally actually on the growth chart for her height, but just barely.  Her head circumference is in the 0.04th percentile, but finally at least has a percentile.  Her weight is still in the zero percentile, but, hey, at least she's still growing  :)

The doctor did have a concern because she could feel the edge of Sweet Pea's liver about 1 cm lower/bigger (?) than it should be.  She was worried that possibly her heart condition could be making other organs work harder to overcompensate.  She ordered more lab work and suggested I move up the next cardiology appointment.  She didn't make a huge deal out of it, but it is concerning because she's never felt it before.  It wasn't like she said she needed an emergency cardiology appointment, but it still has me worried.  Ever since we've had Sweet Pea, all of her medical needs have only improved-- she's been taken off medications and looks more and more healthy all the time.  I think I'll feel better when we know what's going on with this, but it's hard not to be the worrier I tend to be.

Speaking of worrying, I'm going to a permanency plan meeting about Sweet Pea tomorrow morning.  This is another thing they say I don't need to be at, but I am choosing to go to be there for her.  I want it to be clear beyond a shadow of a doubt that we care for her best interests and that we're in this for the long haul.  It shouldn't be any new news at the meeting.  Just a recap of how she's doing and discussion of the plan for her.  I am a little concerned that bio mom could be there.  We've never seen her before, but technically she would be invited to this since termination has not happened yet.  Obviously I'm not taking Sweet Pea.  I know we could see bio mom at court, but this meeting will be in a much more informal setting and I'll be there without Shannon.  Sweet Pea's caseworker and our agency case manager will be there, so at least there will be two friendly faces who I know want Sweet Pea to stay with us.

She has been with us five months exactly today.  In some ways, it feels both longer and shorter.  It feels like we blinked and now she's one, but at the same time I can hardly imagine a time when she wasn't here.  We are so very blessed to have this sweet little girl come into our lives.  After all this time, I am so grateful to be here.

Happy 1st Birthday!

Today is Sweet Pea's 1st birthday.  I remember when we first got her, I could hardly imagine she would still be with us by this time.  It took me quite a while to even be able write her birthday on our calendar.  But, happily, here we are.  Here are a couple of pictures of us celebrating with cake and ice cream tonight:

Note the string to the party hat- this stayed on for all of five minutes, then was covered in frosting...

I think she liked it  :)

Could this really finally happen?

Our agency case manager came out for her monthly visit yesterday afternoon.  Sweet Pea was very hesitant with her.  She tends to take a while to warm up to visitors or new situations and this was no exception.  I'm sure every time someone else comes in the house, she's wondering "Now what does this person want me to do?"  With all the therapists and all the doctors she's seen, it's no wonder she's reluctant.  She has to look at me or touch me just to make sure everything is okay.

The visit went well.  Court is only about a month away now.  We have a permanency review hearing (basically just a check in) on July 13th, then termination of parental rights is scheduled for the 21st.  In light of Sweet Pea's bio parents lack of progress (or actually backsliding) it's looking like termination could actually happen as planned.  When our case manager heard about recent events in the case, her exact words were, "Well, that pretty much cinches termination then, doesn't it?"  So our conversation yesterday was a lot of *when* adoption happens, not *if*, which is amazing to think we might actually get there.  She explained that if parental termination happens as scheduled, CPS has a rule that any biological relatives have 90 days to come forward.  She said most likely Sweet Pea's attorney will petition to waive the 90 days, so we could possibly move into the adoption phase right away.  She said it could all go through as quickly as a month or two.  I never imagined it could happen that fast.  We could actually have Sweet Pea adopted as soon as the end of the summer or early fall.  Crazy.

I am thrilled with this news, but also still feel like I need to try to keep myself as guarded as I can.  It feels like this has all gone so smoothly, like I need to wait for the other shoe to drop.  They just gave us this beautiful little baby four and a half months ago who we've fallen completely in love with and has attached easily to us.  While she's still technically a foster child, we've never had to deal with visitation from any bio family or any other typically CPS hassles.  Hell, we've never even had a visit from licensing.  And now they say she could be ours to keep in a just a relatively short amount of time.  Maybe I'm just used to things not going so smoothly for us where babies are concerned.  Maybe I'm just used to imagining the worst so that I can be prepared if it happens, but then pleasantly surprised if it doesn't.  Maybe, just maybe, we've already had all our bad fortune and now it's finally our turn for pure happiness and joy.  Could we actually be that lucky?

Progress

Sweet Pea is doing so great lately.  She is not quite crawling up on all fours, but is commando crawling down on her belly everywhere now.  No more leaving her alone in a room and expecting her to stay in one place!  She has figured out how to transition from sitting down to her belly and can almost push herself back up to sitting too.  She so wants to stand, but doesn't quite have the balance or the comprehension that if she lets go, she's going to fall.  She loves to stand at our ottoman, jumping up and down and beating her hands with a huge smile, but will completely just let go or turn around any second so you have to stay right there with her.

She says "dada" and "baba", but is doing a little less babbling this week since she's so focused on practicing her crawling.  She definitely lets you know when she wants something though.  She's got quite a voice for such a little thing!

Finally all her therapists are getting to see all her progress and are so pleased with how well she is doing.  The speech therapist discharged her this week, the occupational therapist decided to switch to every other week and the physical therapist only thinks she's going to be coming for another month or so.  Woohoo!  Less people coming to our house that we have to work our schedule around!

Birthday-a-rama

Well, the month of birthdays at our home has officially begun.  Mine was today, Shannon's is Friday and Sweet Pea's first birthday is next Wednesday.  Today was mostly like any other Monday with two babies.  I had hoped they would give me a break and both take long afternoon naps since neither napped in the morning, but Sweet Pea had other ideas.  She is certainly becoming more vocal and opinionated.  She yells and throws her head back when she doesn't get her way.  We discovered this morning that she has a third tooth starting to come in, so hopefully that's the source of her extra-crankiness lately.  I hope it isn't a new stage that's here to stay.  After months of mostly sleeping through the night, she is now getting up usually once (but sometimes twice) a night to be fed.  She is soo close to crawling now and can actually scoot herself forward on her belly.  I think that's a lot of what's waking her up in the middle of the night now.  Not only is she extra hungry from all that new movement, I think she wakes herself up trying out her new trick in her crib then decides she needs to eat right then.  All this extra eating means she's been leaking through her diapers (what do you mean they don't make overnight diapers in size 1-- don't they imagine there could be one-year-olds still in size 1 diapers??), so we now have to change her diaper in the middle of the night and this royally pisses her off.  She screamed so much last night when I changed her diaper before feeding her at 4:30 in the morning, she woke up Shannon who came out to make sure we were okay.  As much as I'm a fan of sleep and really don't like having to get up in the middle of the night, I know it's good for her to get all the extra calories in her that we can.  I would love to see big improvements when we take her for her one year check-up later in the month.

We are having a party on Saturday to celebrate all of our birthdays, but I imagine it will mostly be about baby Sweet Pea.  Nothing too crazy, just friends and family over for food and fun.  Hopefully we don't all melt away in the over-100 degree heat.

Speaking of other unfair things for small babies, we cannot find a t-shirt that says "My 1st Birthday" in anything anywhere near Sweet Pea's size.  I know she's abnormally small and not even on the growth chart even for her adjusted age, but really she can't be the only tiny one-year-old.  We did find a bib that she can wear instead on top of her clothes, but I just had to complain a little bit...

Shape

I am determined to get in better shape.  I've had so many excuses before.  I was pregnant, I was recovering from a pregnancy loss, it was pointless to lose weight when I just planned to get pregnant and would be gaining weight anyway.  But all those excuses have disappeared now and I'm ready to reclaim my body.  Admittedly, my body has been through a lot in the past few years, but there's no reason I can't get back in better shape again.

When I was younger, I was always one of those people who could eat anything at all and never exercise and it never made any difference.  I was never athletic, never liked working out.  But nonetheless, in high school I was "skinny Jenny".  What I would give to have that body back...

Now that I'm in my 30s it's more true than ever that my body has definitely changed.  I'm surprised sometimes when I see pictures of myself now-- that is so not how I imagine myself in my head.  I don't expect to have my teenage body back, but it's time to make some changes for myself.

I've been trying to eat a little more sensibly and exercise more.  I've walked with the babies several times this week.  It's hard because we have to get going so early before it gets too hot to be outside anymore.  I'd always imagined it would be so easy to be healthy with me mostly staying home with the babies.  I could eat healthy right out of my fridge and would be chasing the babies around.  But in reality, it's also really easy to snack on whatever is around anytime I might want to.  And that's not always a lot of healthy snacking.  Truthfully there's not always a lot of chasing the babies-- I can mostly sit here on the couch and supervise without getting up too much.  But I'm trying to change that too.  I'm not trying to make any major, drastic changes.  I know I'm more likely to keep up with it if I make smaller, more reasonable changes that can fit easily into my life.

My biggest downfall is all the bad food that I love.  My absolute favorite thing to eat is hamburgers.  If it didn't matter, I could eat a hamburger every day of the week and be so happy.  But my body shows me that is not a good idea anymore.  I'm trying to limit myself to just one hamburger a week at the most.  It's also hard when Shannon cooks because he tends to make HUGE portions.  I really appreciate him cooking and love his food, but it's just so MUCH.

I used my Wii Fit a few weeks ago.  It had been almost a year since I last used it.  It told me I weighed exactly the same weight that I had a year ago.  At least it wasn't more, but I'm ready for it to be less.  I've lost a couple of pounds this week, but I know that can easily creep right back up if I'm not careful.  I am determined to lose at least 10 pounds and/or a pant size by the end of the summer.  I have boxes full of clothes that are one size smaller that I would love to be able to wear again.  I know that's still not necessarily an ideal weight for me, but it's a good start.  Wish me luck!!

Memorial weekend

We had a pretty good Memorial weekend here.  Sweet Pea got to swim in a big pool for the very first time at a friend's house.  She was very hesitant and serious at first like she always is in new situations, but finally loved it.  She was kicking and splashing and laughing and it was all too cute.

She's been swimming in her little baby pool at home a lot lately.  She still acts serious at first, but is really starting to love this too.  We got a new flip video camera over the weekend and I was able to capture some adorable moments of her "swimming".  Can't post those videos for now, but here's a cute picture of her from the weekend  :)

You never know

Sweet Pea did great with us going out on our date for our anniversary.  I knew she would since she spends so much time with my mom and feels so comfortable with her, but she's never done bedtime for her before so you never know.  It's reassuring to know she can do just fine without us.  I did have to leave her with a friend the other day too while I went to work and no problems there either.  She's becoming more and more social and warming to others easier and easier.

We've been passing around Sweet Pea's cold around here.  My mom and I had it last week and are still getting over it.  Shannon came down with it a couple of days ago.  He can be such a baby when he is sick, but I can tell he's trying so hard not to complain this time.  He knows I just had this too and took care of two babies and only asked him for help/a break once last weekend so I could go lie down.  Thank goodness Sweet Pea is all better.  Such a tough little girl  :)

We saw her pulmonologist last week.  He was really happy with all her progress and even took her off one of her lung medications.  He also gave us the results of her sleep study, which was all good.  I'm so glad we won't have to go through that again!

Sweet Pea's caseworker came out to visit yesterday.  She had nothing but good news for us.  Sweet Pea's bio mom is not doing well, so it's looking more and more like termination of parental rights will happen in July as planned.  I'm having mixed feelings about the whole thing.  Obviously I'm completely in love with Sweet Pea and want nothing more than for us to stay with us forever and would be completely devastated if she had to leave us.  But I feel bad for bio mom too.  Even though she hasn't seen Sweet Pea since birth and is essentially a stranger to her, I'm sure she's struggling.  Especially in my work with the pregnant and parenting teens at the shelter, I know what the birth moms go through and how hard it is for them, even if it's honestly in the best interest for the baby not to be with them.

And I still know there are no guarantees in this.  I don't think I'll feel secure until they actually terminate rights.  Or until we can actually legally adopt her.  You just never know...

Anniversary

Today is our 6 year wedding anniversary.  Shannon got off work early and we just sat down together and watched the video of our wedding for the first time in years.  It was even more beautiful than I'd remembered, truly wouldn't change a thing.  We had a destination wedding on the island of St. Thomas in the US Virgin Islands.  Shannon really wanted to elope and I really wanted my family to be there, so this was our compromise.  It turned out to be just perfect for us.  No stress, just fun and relaxation.  Shannon and I had a couples massage together the morning of our wedding, then got manicures and pedicures.  I didn't care about all the little details of the wedding like some brides do.  Didn't even know what my bouquet would look like until they handed it to me right before the ceremony, but it was beautiful.  Had never met the minister that married us, but he spoke some of the most perfect and touching words for us.  How could we go wrong with the backdrop of the ocean right behind us?  Shannon cried first during the ceremony, which was the absolute sweetest thing.

We look so young in our wedding video/pictures.  Had no idea what was in store for us.  Didn't know Shannon would be hospitalized and have major lung surgery in the first year of our marriage.  Didn't know  we'd try for three years to try to get pregnant, only to have four losses.  I think we have the "in sickness and health" part down.

We're going out on a date tonight for the first time since we got Sweet Pea.  My mom is going to keep her while we go to dinner.  Not sure what else we'll do, but I definitely looking forward to an evening alone with my best friend, my partner, my love of my life.

Poor baby

Poor Sweet Pea was sick most of our trip to California.  She got a fever the first morning we were there and it stuck around the entire rest of the time we were there until finally breaking late last night once we were home.  She and I weren't even able to go to my brother's graduation, which is why we traveled all the way there.  It was stressful to say the least to have a sick baby away from home.  She's had a couple of colds since we've had her, but never a fever before.  I worried like I'd never taken care of a sick child before.  I took her temperature obsessively.  I debated whether we should take her to the doctor out there.  It had never crossed my mind before that might be difficult.  I'd never thought about the fact that her Texas Medicaid might not be accepted in another state.  When I called Medicaid to ask them about it, they basically said I'd have to take her to an ER and hope they had a contract with Texas Medicaid.  I talked with nurses from Medicaid and Sweet Pea's pediatrician's office and finally decided not to take her in.  I'm still waiting to see if we try to make an appointment for her tomorrow.  Her fever is gone, but she still has a nasty cough and yucky nose.  Her cough is so bad sometimes that it makes her throw up, which has already happened half a dozen times since we've been home the past 24 hours.  But then she'll just smile and play like nothing's wrong.  It's tough being the parent, being the decision-maker for a sick little one.  It definitely makes me feel like even more of a parent, caring for her while she isn't feeling well.  She clearly looks to me for comfort.

She did great on the airplane though.  On the way out there, they offered to seat us in a row with an extra seat so we would have additional room, which made a world of difference.  We could have Sweet Pea just sit inbetween us for some of the flight and not have to hold a squirming baby the whole time.  She napped and was generally pleasant on both flights, even on the way back when she wasn't feeling great.  Such a trooper.  I couldn't have done it without my mom though. I know people do it all the time, but I can't imagine traveling on my own with a baby/child.

We had a good time otherwise in California.  It was great to see my brother, sister-in-law and nephew.  My nephew quickly warmed to me again.  It always feels good to see that we do have a bond even though we live far apart.  Just about everytime I left the room, he was asking for "Ninny?" which is what he calls me.  Melts my heart.

Everyone loved Sweet Pea.  I knew they would, but it meant so much to me nonetheless.  She liked my brother right away-- I think it's because he has a beard like Shannon so she felt comfortable with him.  She and my nephew Henry loved each other and were so cute together.  My brother and his wife are pregnant again and hoping this one is a girl, so I know spending time with our little Sweet Pea was extra special to them.  She's such a special part of our family and I was so glad to be able to introduce her to them.

I can't imagine our family without her anymore, which is both comforting and frightening at the same time.  We're just about two months away from the scheduled court date for the termination of her parents' rights.  It feels good that it's getting closer, but I know so much could possibly still happen in that time frame.  I'll be so glad to be past all this waiting and wondering one day.

Packed and ready to go!

We're pretty much all packed for our California trip today.  I think Sweet Pea knows something is up.  She woke up screaming about an hour after bedtime last night, then got up again at 4am for a bottle.  She had been back to sleeping through the night this week.  Wonder how she'll do on our trip.  We'll be sleeping in a room with my 18-month-old nephew.  I hope they don't wake and keep each other up in the middle of the night.  I hope I'm able to sleep too.

We got an e-mail from our case manager asking if we wanted to be considered as a foster/adopt home for an almost 1-year-old boy.  Healthy, no meds, looking to terminate parents' rights next month.  We said no.  Can't imagine two 1-year-olds here and honestly, I still really feel like we need to be focused on Sweet Pea for now, especially until we know if we're able to adopt her for sure.  It's crazy that we're already at a place where we're turning down perfectly healthy, almost free for adoption babies.  I would not have believed that a year ago...

Wish us luck on our trip.  I'm a little anxious about flying with a baby, especially a foster baby and hope no one gives us a hard time.  I hope Sweet Pea does well on the flight.  I know my family out there is going to absolutely love her.  We skype with them, so I hope she at least recognizes them a little and warms to them quickly.  I'll update in a few days when we get back!!

Cuteness

This Sunday was the first Mother's Day I was able to celebrate openly.  I'd considered myself a mother before and had my close family acknowledge it for me, but this year everyone wished me a happy mother's day.  I got cards in the mail, flowers delievered, texts received.  I've been a mother to my unborn babies for years now, but Sweet Pea has made me a mommy.

She is maturing so much right now.  It's like a new light clicked on last week and she's getting things in such a fun and different way now.  It's so amazing to be able to watch her learn all these new things.  Here are just some of the adorable new things she is doing these days that absolutely make me fall in love with her more and more all the time:

• The way she tilts her head to the side when she’s looking at something she likes/is curious about (this is seriously the cutest thing I have ever seen)


• The way she’s starting trying to initiate peek-a-boo, especially after bathtime when she puts the towel over her face and then is smiling so big when she pulls it down

• The way she rolls over to her bucket full of toys and purposefully dumps it all out

• The way she uses her bucket/highchair tray as a drum and has such a good sense of rhythm

• The way she loves to jump in her jumparoo, but inevitably falls asleep if we leave her in there too long

• The way she’s learned to laugh at silly things like putting toys on your head

• The way she tries to put those toys on her head, but can’t quite make it up there

• The way she giggles when we tickle her new tickle spot on her side

• The way she waves her arms when she’s happy/excited about something

• The way she’s trying to turn the pages in her books now and gets so obsessed with it when we read Goodnight Moon at night that she gets frustrated and starts fussing even though she absolutely loves that book

• The way she’s able to put herself to sleep at naptimes now, but has to talk/sing/fuss herself down

• The way she fidgets/wiggles when she’s drinking a bottle or trying to go to sleep

• The way she pulls her blanket over her head when she’s sleeping

• The way she almost always seems to break at least one hand or arm free from her swaddler overnight

• The way she gives a few big stretches when I open up her swaddler in the morning

• The way she’s bonded with Shannon and my mom so much more now and doesn’t always have to cry for me

• The way she still turns/leans/reaches/smiles for me the most

• The way she loves to look at herself in the mirror now and gives herself a kiss after we get her ready for bed

She was so adorable last night.  It was almost bath/bedtime but we were trying to keep her up a little longer and she was in such a fun, happy mood.  She was sitting on my lap and I laughed at some face she made, then she let out the cutest giggle.  She seriously laughed for ten minutes straight whenever I would laugh.  Too stinkin' cute.

Thank you, Sweet Pea, for all these adorable and memorable moments.  Thank you for making me a mommy.  I love you.

Eleven years ago today

Eleven years ago today, Shannon and I starting dating.  We had met a few weeks earlier and hung out several times as a group with other friends.  The attraction was there and building, but neither had admitted to it yet.  Then one of my best friends had her 21st birthday party in her backyard.  We got a keg (some kind of cheap beer I can only imagine) and a moonwalk jump house and had a great time.  Shannon was living with another mutual friend across the street from the birthday party.  I still have such a clear memory of the moment he walked into the party and realizing I could not hide my attraction anymore.  This was the first time I'd seen him all cleaned-up, shaved, with his hair fixed and all.  Such a cutie.

Later I found out that he had a similar reaction to seeing me that day too.  He told his best friend "I'm going home with that girl tonight" and that he thought my butt was cute.  He loves to tell that part of the story because he knows it embarrasses me.  He even told it during our homestudy interview and I could just imagine them including "cute butt" as one of my good qualities for our foster/adopt application.

The first time we kissed, he told me flat out "I don't want a girlfriend".  Fine, I thought, he'll just be a fun fling for the summer.  He told me many times during that summer that he couldn't imagine ever getting married or wanting to have kids.  He was so determined not to be in serious relationship.  But then we were, for all intents and purposes, living together within a few months and have been practically inseparable ever since.  You just never know what the future holds...

Smoother days

Things have been smoothing out the past couple of days.  Tuesday was the worst with Cash-- he napped for maybe 30 minutes total all day and was in complete melt-down mode pretty much all day.  I completely lost my patience, which was especially frustrating because I am usually so patient.  So I'm sure we were feeding into each other's frustrations and it just made it all worse and worse, but it was a looooong day here.  Sweet Pea goes down for naps all on her own now.  I might just have to go in to reposition her and turn on her mobil a few times, but she goes right to sleep on her own.  It's frustrating that Cash can't do this even though he's actually ahead of her developmentally.  So I've been pushing for him to nap in the playpen in a bedroom or at least in a swing in a bedroom, but that's gone so terribly that now I've just given in and brought the swing back out to the living room and he's napping great in there again.  I know that's what they do at home and it's hard to fight that.  I know it would be better for him in the long run to be able to put himself to sleep or at the very least sleep in a crib/playpen, but it feels near impossible to teach him how to do this when it's not being reinforced at home.  So I've given in and we've had much more pleasant days so far.

We're going to try out a little baby pool this afternoon.  Just blew it up all on my own, which I am proud I still have the lung capacity to do  :)  Sweet Pea absolutely loves splashing at bathtime, so I think she'll like this too.

We're in for a big adventure next week.  My mom and I are taking Sweet Pea to California to visit my brother and his family.  He is graduating with his PhD in education and I'm so looking forward to them actually meeting Sweet Pea.  I can't wait to see my nephew either.  He's still looking so like me when I was that age-- don't think that will ever get old for me.  Shannon isn't going with us because he doesn't have enough vacation time yet.  I had to get special permission from our case manager, Sweet Pea's caseworker and attorney and the judge to be able to travel with Sweet Pea out of state.  It will be my first time to fly with a baby and I'm hoping she does well.  I'm really looking forward to the trip and hope it all goes smoothly.

Our case manager is coming this afternoon for her monthly visit.  I feel like I should clean up the house for her, which is silly.  What is she going to do, take Sweet Pea because I haven't vacuumed?  But that's the people pleaser/perfectionist in me...  So better get to it while the babies nap away :)

Perspectives

We're so used to having Sweet Pea be so tiny.  She's starting to seem big to us as she starts to outgrow her 0-3 month clothes (which I realize is absurd since she is 10 months old now).  We forget how small she really is, what a miracle she is.  Then we go visit a friend with her six week old baby.  And they're practically the same size.  Wow.

Sweet Pea is the one on the left-- can you believe their feet are the same size?!

Sick

Sweet Pea is sick.  Just a cold, but still scary for us at times.  During the day, she seems okay.  Just a little stuffed up, runny nose, little cough, little bloody nose.  But of course, at night she gets so much worse.  Last night, she coughed so much that she threw up twice.  And every time she throws up, it comes out her nose too which irritates all those little blood vessels in there and her nose gushes blood.  So then you've got this tiny little thing covered in awful formula-smelling mucosy vomit and blood everywhere.  Not a pretty picture, right?  It's enough to freak out any parent, not to mention relatively new foster parents.  Shannon generously offered to be the one to get up with her in the middle of the night last night.  I think he was really regretting that at 3:30 in the morning when he finally came and woke me up with them both covered in vomit.  Luckily, I'm good in crisis situations and stayed calm.  Got her cleaned up and changed and rocked back to sleep.  I'm back to getting up in the middle of the night just to check on her in her crib.  She had a cold when we got her, but we didn't know what was normal for her then.  It was all a whirlwind at that time and we didn't know what to expect.

She seems much better today, which is a relief.  It's always in the middle of the night when you have to wonder if you should be rushing them to the ER.  I hope tonight goes more smoothly.  We were all tired today, taking turns napping off and on all day.  I'm ready for this to pass.

Reaching my limit

I am feeling so stressed right now.  The other baby I keep is driving me crazy this week.  He came back from his week and a half with grandma such a different baby.  I can only imagine grandma spoiled him and held him all the time.  And he reached a new developmental stage of recognizing object permanence while he was gone.  So that means any time I even step out of the room or sometimes even step away from him, he screams.  Not just a little cry.  A scream, like the world is ending and he is in extreme pain.  It feels like he spends 3/4 of his time just screaming now and it's driving me insane.  I'm trying to get him down for a much needed nap, but he screams every time I put him in the swing.  He'll get quiet like he fell asleep for a minute, then screaming again.  I literally just had to go stand in the laundry room for a few minutes and listen to the washing machine drown out his screams to settle myself.  I'm going to be really unhappy if he teaches Sweet Pea this screaming too.

To top it off, he came back with a gross snotty nose on Monday.  We'd hoped it was just allergies, but now Sweet Pea has it too.  She woke up in the middle of the night and could hardly breathe through her nose to drink her bottle.  She's been well since she got over the cold she had when we first got her.  I'm sure she'll be okay, but it's scary with her additional health issues.  Even with the shots, she's at much higher risk for RSV, etc and we definitely want to avoid that.

And now the occupational therapist is late AGAIN...  I'm about done with her too.

Then Sweet Pea just looked up at me with this big sweet smile and I melt all over again.

But then Cash screams some more and I feel my blood pressure rise again.  Why won't he just fall asleep???

Baby steps

I just got back from taking both babies to the grocery store all by myself for the very first time.  My mom and I have taken the babies shopping before, but I'd never been brave enough to try it on my own.  It could not have gone any better.  Didn't hear a peep from either one the entire time in the store, then both fell asleep on the drive home.  So I was able to bring in the groceries and now have a moment to myself before Sweet Pea's speech therapist gets here soon.  Couldn't have planned a more successful trip.  Feeling proud of myself, which almost sounds silly to say but it was a big accomplishment for me.  We got lots of sweet smiles and "hi babies" from strangers at the store, but thankfully no one asked any nosy questions like we usually get.  No one asked how old they are, if they're twins (which if you could see them, is the most absurd question ever).  Just a pleasant trip to the store.  Simple joys these days...

Exhausted

This past week has been so busy, especially this weekend.  I am so exhausted.  It's only 6pm on Sunday evening and I'm wishing I could go to bed already.  The exhaustion started with Sweet Pea's sleep study on Wednesday night.  It went okay, she did way better than I'd expected.  She barely pulled at all the wires and didn't really fuss much when they were attaching them to her.  It really was a nice place, very much like a hotel room other than the camera on the wall and the machines going.  I had requested a crib for her, but they said it's easier if she's just in the bed next to me in case they have to come in and readjust any of the connections during the night.  That was an experience for me to have little Sweet Pea sleeping in bed with me.  I am already such a light sleeper-- it's amazing I slept at all that night.  I swear I heard every little noise she made all night, definitely woke up every time the sleep tech came in to reattach a wire.  When they came in at 5:30 and said we were finished and free to go, I could not get out of there fast enough.  We drove the almost hour home and I gave Sweet Pea a bath since she had all kinds of goo all over her body and in her hair from the connections.  Then we both went back to bed.  I thought Sweet Pea had slept okay that night, but she was clearly exhausted too that next day.  Took four naps, way more than normal.  She was really clingy with me all day too.

On Friday morning, I took Sweet Pea to have another RSV shot.  We thought we were finished with those until next fall, but Medicaid approved one more since apparently RSV is still high in our area.  It's kind of annoying to have to drive almost an hour away just for a shot, but we'll do whatever we can to help keep her healthy.  While we were there at the pulmonologist's office, we again ran into the woman who runs the group foster home where Sweet Pea lived before she came to us.  We had seen her there when we first got Sweet Pea, but now it's been almost 3 months.  It was neat because she was there with the baby girl who had been Sweet Pea's roommate at the home.  It was funny to wonder if they remembered each other.  We talked for quite a while and she took pictures to show to the nurses back at the home who still miss Sweet Pea.  She said one of the nurses who was really in love with her is now pregnant and said she might even name her baby after Sweet Pea if it's a girl.  It's amazing to know she's already touched so many lives.  Small world...

Then pretty much from Friday at noon until Saturday at 10:30 at night, I was volunteering at a family grief camp.  It was a very different experience for me because I usually work with kids, but for the first time, I co-led an adult group.  Each group member had lost a spouse and their stories were so sad, so many were so raw and hurting.  Very different than the kids who might talk about the death then jump right on to something else in the next minute.  These adult groups were heavy and emotionally exhausting.  This camp experience was also different for me because this was the first time I said out loud in a group that I had lost my babies.  Of course my friends know and it's not a secret or anything, but it's not something I tend to bring up because I feel like it makes other people feel uncomfortable.  In sharing circles at these camps, we always go around and say our name and who we are there to remember who died.  I've always said I was remembering my grandparents, which is not a lie, but not at all the complete truth.  But this weekend for the very first time, I said I was remembering my babies.  I said it in our big group with all the volunteers and in my smaller adult camper group too.  It felt like a huge step for me.  When my turn was nearing to talk the first time, my heart was pounding.  But it felt good to say it, to finally be able to share my loss too.  Only one person came up to me later and asked about my babies, but it felt good to have my loss, my pain acknowledged too.  That's one of the reasons I've stopped volunteering with the children's grief program so much-- I always felt jealous and resentful that I couldn't talk about my grief there too.  But this weekend was a little different.  I didn't get to say and process all that I might have needed to, but just saying the words out loud to the group was a big step.  And I was definitely thinking about my losses this weekend.  At the family camp last year, I was pregnant with #4.  We had seen the heartbeat for the first time that day and I started my Heparin shots that day.  Those losses are always there with me.

It was hard really hard being away from Sweet Pea all that time.  Both Friday and Saturday nights, she was already in bed when I got home.  But both nights, she woke up soon after I got home.  She almost never wakes up at that time of night.  Shannon just thought she was gassy and needed to burp, but I think she missed me.  I think she knew I was home and wanted me to come in and hold her.  Goodness knows I was already wanting to go right in and pick her up.  Especially last night.  I was so exhausted, both physically and emotionally, I was practically crying on my way home for no particular reason.  It really helped to come home and have Sweet Pea need me and get to have some sweet time with her before going to bed myself.

Today was so busy too.  I recently joined our local Child Welfare Board and our big annual fundraiser was this afternoon.  I spent all morning helping to set it all up, feeling tired and frustrated with the lack of organization.  Then my mom, Sweet Pea and I went to the event this afternoon.  It was a neat experience because the main goal of our board is to help local foster kids and to increase awareness.  It was great to be able to have Sweet Pea there and for everyone to get to meet her.  Another board member just recently adopted her former foster daughter and I got to meet that sweet little girl too.  She had all kinds of great advice for us and the name of a great adoption lawyer, etc.  Really gives us hope for the future.

Now I am ready to crash.  Sweet Pea is napping and I am fighting a nap myself.  I'd rather not nap, just go to bed early tonight.  I'm so glad the other baby I keep was with his grandmother all last week.  It was crazy enough as it is, so I was glad to have a little break there.  He'll be back tomorrow morning, bright and early, so it all starts over again then.  I don't think we have anything big scheduled this week, so hopefully we can just get back into our routine and settled down a bit.

Growing more

Sweet Pea is growing and changing so much these days.  She has had several growth spurts lately and is really getting tall.  Her new 3-6 month pajamas already fit and I'm sure she'll outgrow them pretty soon too.  She's still really skinny so I have to buy size 3 months for bottoms because her waist is so tiny (even some of those are still way too big on her) but six months for the tops because she's so long.  We just got her a bunch of six month onesies last week-- they already fit just right, so I guess we'll be moving up in those soon too.

She's getting such a fun little personality too.  Definitely louder and more opinionated than when we first got her.  She screamed through her entire occupational therapy session last week.  Really screamed.  I don't necessarily like the OT myself, but she and Sweet Pea really don't seem to mesh.  Not sure how much longer we'll keep up with that...  Of course while she was screaming for the OT, her caseworker showed up early for her visit, then our case manager decided to drop in for an unannounced visit.  What a zoo!  But I think it was good for them to see that side of Sweet Pea and that she was so completely soothed by me once I held her.  They said it shows she's in the right place and we hope to keep her here.

She's eating some more solid foods now.  After a bumpy week of crying everytime we tried to give her plain rice cereal or oatmeal with formula, now she's really liking pretty much every pureed thing I give her.  She did not like the applesauce I gave her the past couple of days.  I'll try again later, but I'm glad she's able to show us when she doesn't like something.  She's so funny when there's a little extra texture in her food (from the cereal or when I gave her mushed up avocado that I could never quite get completely pureed).  If there's a big chunk, she'll just sit there with it on her tongue and refuse to try to swallow it until I give her a drink of juice to help it down.

Her second tooth finally came in yesterday.  It's still not fully there, but you can definitely see it now.  This one has been trying to come through for weeks now.  It was all red and swollen, then just a little bump, now you can finally see the white little tooth.  Her first tooth is getting much bigger-- unmistakable now, even though she doesn't like to show it off.

She's starting to go to sleep on her own for naps now.  I can usually just lay her in her crib and she'll eventually fall asleep on her own.  She still needs to be bounced/rocked from time to time, but she's napping in her crib almost exclusively now.  No more having to put her in the bouncer or swing to get her to sleep.  Such a big girl.  She's in there babbling away right now, hopefully trying to fall asleep  :)

We go for her sleep study tonight.  I'm not sure what to expect from this.  It will be the first time for her to sleep somewhere else since she came to live with us.  I'll be with her and will try to approximate her bedtime routine as best as possible, but I'm really not sure how it will go.  I'm dreading that we have to drive 40 minutes to the sleep clinic.  She's doing much better on short car rides and even some long ones too, but not always.  We went to visit some friends about an hour away this weekend and she did great in the car all day, but once it was dark out she completely melted down.  She cried almost the entire way home and eventually worked herself up so much that she threw up all over herself and her carseat.  Of course, once we got home and got her in the bath, she was her usual happy smiley self, but Shannon and I were way stressed by the whole thing.  Hopefully we don't have a repeat tonight when it will just be me and Sweet Pea in the car.

I've got a really busy weekend ahead.  The children's grief camp where I volunteer is this weekend.  I'll be coming home to sleep, but I'll be leaving before Sweet Pea wakes up and getting home after she's already in bed, so I don't think I'll see her at all on Saturday.  That will be really weird for me.  We spend so much time together, she's such a part of me.  Hopefully I'll be busy the whole time and won't be worrying about her.

I think she's finally fallen asleep now, so I should go get myself ready and pack for tonight.  The other baby I keep is with his grandmother this week, so that's been a welcome break.  I had imagined having so much free time without him here and getting so many little projects done around the house, but it's been so busy this week.  My to do list still has so much on it!  Who knew one little baby could keep you so busy?  ;)