We discussed it and decided to go ahead and try starting this month. Originally I was going to wait since we were just getting started at the fertility doctor and hadn't even had all the tests or officially gotten a plan from the doctor yet. But what are all those tests and plans going to change? I know that most likely they're going to recommend IVF and that we don't want to do that. I'll admit that maybe, just maybe, I would consider it if we didn't have to pay for it. But really, it just doesn't feel right for us. I just want the chance to get pregnant as naturally as possible for me.
I kept hearing in my head that the HSG could help us get and stay pregnant for the next few months. Then the doctor called the next morning to say they saw evidence of swelling/irritation in my tube when she reviewed my HSG results. (Duh, I've told everyone all these years that it hurts there almost daily. No shocker to me.) So they're putting me on a course of antibiotics. I know I've heard of research showing that antibiotics can help your chances of getting and staying pregnant too. So I just couldn't pass up this shot to go ahead and try now. I don't think it will happen right away, but we might as well start now. I never asked the doctor if we should try this month or wait. I didn't want to hear her answer. I've been through this enough now to know I need to trust myself most in this process.
On a semi-related note, Shannon has a much younger brother who got married this summer. They're in their early twenties and still living at home with her parents (in a far away state from us). When we were there for the wedding, people inevitably asked when they were going to have kids and they said they definitely wanted to wait. Fast forward about a month. Surprise, surprise, she's already pregnant (another one from their honeymoon, no less.) I wanted to be happy for them. But really I wasn't. I thought they should wait, etc. But really I was jealous. I cringed at their announcement on Facebook and pictures they were posting of her little belly.
We recently found out that the pregnancy is not going well. Today I was told details that tell me this is definitely ending in miscarriage. It sounds like the doctor is still giving them hope. But I know better. No heartbeat at 11 weeks? It's not happening. There's no way your dates are that off. But I couldn't say that to them. They've reached out to us because they know we've been through it all too many times before. All I could honestly tell her was to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. And keep talking about it with people they know and trust.
It's sad that anyone has to go through this. And sad how scared and alone it makes you feel when in reality, they are so many of us who have experienced the very same thing. I'm thinking I really don't want to stay quiet about it all anymore. I may even share more with my real life friends about my current fertility experience, which I've barely done before. What's the point of staying quiet about it? It didn't help before and definitely didn't help when I was struggling through losses.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Thursday, July 24, 2014
HSG
Just got back from my HSG test. It was much less painful than I remember it being years ago when I had it done before. It probably helped that I took two Aleve before I got there... The xray tech woman was very kind and walked me through every step of the procedure, both before and during the test. She even turned the screen so I could see what was happening as it was happening and explained it all to me (which I know she's not really supposed to do, but I so appreciated.) My uterus looked "beautiful", my right tube filled and spilled just like it was supposed to, and the left tube filled a little then nothing. No spilling, even when she had me move in different positions and she put more contrast dye in. So it's still blocked. No surprise.
I wish I could go back to six years ago when I had the first ectopic and had surgery to remove it. I would insist that my doctor take that whole stupid tube out too. I know he was trying to do me a favor, but it's just been nothing but trouble.
The woman that did my HSG today was trying to be helpful and tell me all about how this test can sometimes help you get and stay pregnant for 2-4 months after the test. Then she was explaining to me how your body ovulates from alternating ovaries each month and how she never knew that when she was trying to get pregnant. I had to just stop her there and explain how I already know entirely too much about ovulation and pregnancies, but I appreciated her effort.
Since we're so early in this process now again, I'm not sure how to feel about it all this time around. I want to be excited and hopeful, but honestly I'm just feeling bitter right now. I'm pissed that I even have to go through all this. I'm still mad when I see other women announcing their easy pregnancies on Facebook. I'm angry that I have to go to these crazy lengths just to have the tiniest of hope that I might be able to one day give birth to a baby. I want to get passed all these negative feelings, but for now it just feels like I've opened a big can of bitterness.
I wish I could go back to six years ago when I had the first ectopic and had surgery to remove it. I would insist that my doctor take that whole stupid tube out too. I know he was trying to do me a favor, but it's just been nothing but trouble.
The woman that did my HSG today was trying to be helpful and tell me all about how this test can sometimes help you get and stay pregnant for 2-4 months after the test. Then she was explaining to me how your body ovulates from alternating ovaries each month and how she never knew that when she was trying to get pregnant. I had to just stop her there and explain how I already know entirely too much about ovulation and pregnancies, but I appreciated her effort.
Since we're so early in this process now again, I'm not sure how to feel about it all this time around. I want to be excited and hopeful, but honestly I'm just feeling bitter right now. I'm pissed that I even have to go through all this. I'm still mad when I see other women announcing their easy pregnancies on Facebook. I'm angry that I have to go to these crazy lengths just to have the tiniest of hope that I might be able to one day give birth to a baby. I want to get passed all these negative feelings, but for now it just feels like I've opened a big can of bitterness.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Doctor, revisited
Just got back from the fertility doctor. I still have mixed feelings about it all, but it went fine. I spent most of the time actually meeting with the doctor, going over my history and what we plan to do from here. I told her from the beginning that I really don't want to do IVF and she said we would table that discussion for now, but it may in fact be my best shot. I'm going to have another HSG done tomorrow to check my tubes. I remember having this done years ago and it was very painful, especially where the ectopic was. Heck, even the ultrasound she did today hurt when she pushed on that area. So not looking forward to the pain, but I expected this and do want to have the test done again.
Then we'll do more bloodwork next month. The biggest, newest thing we're going to do is she is going to try to go back to the records from the hospital when I had my ectopic pregnancy removed and when I had my D&C to try to test the chromosomes of those two babies. She said this is very new technology to be able to go back to these slides and get this sort of information. It can be difficult to do and may take awhile for them to even track down what they need, but that's the plan. That both excites and terrifies me. I've always had details I imagined about each of the babies, but I've never known anything at all for sure. If we find chromosomal abnormalities in these babies, that indicates a very different plan that almost certainly includes IVF.
It almost felt like an out-of-body experience being there. I've so blocked out so many things from those pregnancies and losses, it was weird to talk about them again. Even when I was filling out the new patient paperwork last week, I felt almost annoyed to have to list the details of each pregnancy again. I wouldn't say I necessarily feel hopeful at this point, but it felt like a positive experience overall. At least not a negative one. I felt like I was heard and respected and I didn't always feel like that by the end of my last fertility experience, to say the least.
I feel like I need to talk about all this to process it. But I'm not sure where to turn at this point. So I'm thankful I still have this blog to help me wrap my brain around it all. Here we go again...
Then we'll do more bloodwork next month. The biggest, newest thing we're going to do is she is going to try to go back to the records from the hospital when I had my ectopic pregnancy removed and when I had my D&C to try to test the chromosomes of those two babies. She said this is very new technology to be able to go back to these slides and get this sort of information. It can be difficult to do and may take awhile for them to even track down what they need, but that's the plan. That both excites and terrifies me. I've always had details I imagined about each of the babies, but I've never known anything at all for sure. If we find chromosomal abnormalities in these babies, that indicates a very different plan that almost certainly includes IVF.
It almost felt like an out-of-body experience being there. I've so blocked out so many things from those pregnancies and losses, it was weird to talk about them again. Even when I was filling out the new patient paperwork last week, I felt almost annoyed to have to list the details of each pregnancy again. I wouldn't say I necessarily feel hopeful at this point, but it felt like a positive experience overall. At least not a negative one. I felt like I was heard and respected and I didn't always feel like that by the end of my last fertility experience, to say the least.
I feel like I need to talk about all this to process it. But I'm not sure where to turn at this point. So I'm thankful I still have this blog to help me wrap my brain around it all. Here we go again...
Now or never
I'm going to a fertility doctor this afternoon. It's actually the same doctor I saw a few years ago with pregnancy #4, but she now has an office in my small town so I don't have to go to the bigger city to see her. I'm nervous about it. I have already decided I want to try to get pregnant one more time. I don't want to do IVF, but I want to do whatever else we can to help ensure that this one could be successful.
I've been going to an endocrinologist for the past few months and that has been the most encouraging thing of all. The more I read about hypothyroidism, the more I realize that I have been having symptoms for years! I'm pretty positive that my first pregnancy triggered my hypothyroidism. That was the strongest of all my babies, the one that refused to give up, the one that could have made it if it had just been implanted in my uterus. No pregnancy since that has been so strong. Even the ones that we saw heartbeats for. Those ones always measured a little small, the heartbeat was a little slow, etc.
The endocrinologist did lots of bloodwork from the beginning and finally gave me some answers. I have Hashimoto's disease, which is an autoimmune disorder that causes the hypothyroidism. I had an extreme Vitamin B deficiency and also a Vitamin D deficiency. All of these are linked to recurrent miscarriages. My endocrinologist immediately upped my thyroid dosage and put me on major prescription vitamins. And I am feeling so much better. It's been so many years of this now that it's hard to say if I'm back to "normal", but definitely better. Not so tired all the time, much more energy, starting to lose weight and gain strength. Very encouraging.
So it feels like it's now or never if I'm going to try again. I turned 35 this year, so it would already be a "high risk" pregnancy even without all my other losses. My thyroid level is so low now that I have even been having hyperthyroid symptoms (heart racing, hot flashes, etc.) I can't even drink a Coke now without feeling jumpy for the rest of the day, but I guess that's a good thing since I've been trying to give up caffeine for years. From everything I've read, it's best for my TSH to be as close to zero as possible when trying to conceive and stay pregnant. My TSH was .3 at my last appointment. So now or never, right?
I've been going to an endocrinologist for the past few months and that has been the most encouraging thing of all. The more I read about hypothyroidism, the more I realize that I have been having symptoms for years! I'm pretty positive that my first pregnancy triggered my hypothyroidism. That was the strongest of all my babies, the one that refused to give up, the one that could have made it if it had just been implanted in my uterus. No pregnancy since that has been so strong. Even the ones that we saw heartbeats for. Those ones always measured a little small, the heartbeat was a little slow, etc.
The endocrinologist did lots of bloodwork from the beginning and finally gave me some answers. I have Hashimoto's disease, which is an autoimmune disorder that causes the hypothyroidism. I had an extreme Vitamin B deficiency and also a Vitamin D deficiency. All of these are linked to recurrent miscarriages. My endocrinologist immediately upped my thyroid dosage and put me on major prescription vitamins. And I am feeling so much better. It's been so many years of this now that it's hard to say if I'm back to "normal", but definitely better. Not so tired all the time, much more energy, starting to lose weight and gain strength. Very encouraging.
So it feels like it's now or never if I'm going to try again. I turned 35 this year, so it would already be a "high risk" pregnancy even without all my other losses. My thyroid level is so low now that I have even been having hyperthyroid symptoms (heart racing, hot flashes, etc.) I can't even drink a Coke now without feeling jumpy for the rest of the day, but I guess that's a good thing since I've been trying to give up caffeine for years. From everything I've read, it's best for my TSH to be as close to zero as possible when trying to conceive and stay pregnant. My TSH was .3 at my last appointment. So now or never, right?
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