Blessings in surprise

Today was even more special and emotional than I had even imagined.  We had court this morning for the trial for Sweet Pea's biological parents' scheduled termination of rights.  I woke up early this morning with butterflies in my stomach, which I hadn't expected.  My mom went with us and I'm so glad she wanted to be a part of it all.  We got there really early since we weren't sure what traffic would be like.  Sweet Pea's biological mom got there pretty soon after us, but no one else from our group was there yet.  Bio mom came over and asked if the attorneys were there yet.  I said no, then she went to sit on another bench away from us.  We waited and played with Sweet Pea for a long time as our case manager, CPS caseworker and the attorneys all finally arrived.  We were supposed to be first on the docket, but kept getting skipped.  We could see bio mom talking with her attorney and starting to cry.  Then they take bio mom into another room and come to inform us that she has decided to relinquish her rights.  She comes back out in tears and they finally call us into the courtroom.  As we're walking in, bio mom's attorney comes over to us and says, "This has been a very difficult decision, but one she has made out of love.  She knows you're the only parents her daughter has ever known.  She's been watching you here in the hall and sees how much love you have for the baby and she has for you.  She's decided to relinquish her rights so she can stay with you."  Now we all have tears in our eyes as we're walking in to court.  The attorney gives a similar speech in the courtroom and the judge states he knows that this isn't a giving up on the child, but giving her a better life.  Tears again.  Then it's all over and termination has officially happened and they've waived the 90 days that relatives typically have to come forward.  We can officially start to move forward with the adoption now.

Bio mom requested to have time to say goodbye and hold Sweet Pea one more time.  I'm all for this.  I want them to have this time.  I feel so much for her and want to be able to give her this.  Sweet Pea's caseworker took her to another room to have supervised private time with bio mom while we were introduced to an adoption attorney who just happened to be there.  I had so much trouble paying attention to what he was saying because all I could hear was Sweet Pea screaming at the tops of her lungs.  Her bio mom is a stranger to her.  They bring her back over to us and Shannon takes her.  She calms a bit, then reaches for me and nuzzles her face in mine, calming completely back down.

We start to walk down the hall and bio mom is there.  She says, "She was crying for you.  I know she loves you and I want her to stay with you."  She tells us she has some clothes from when Sweet Pea was first born and teeny tiny and she wants us to have them.  I tell her thank you and I mean it, genuinely and for much more than the clothes.  I can hardly believe the gift she has given us.  I'm sure relinquishment was not what she had planned when she arrived there this morning.  I can't imagine what she is going through.  I am so thankful to her for giving Sweet Pea life, for giving us her baby to raise so willingly today.  I could not have imagined it would go so beautifully and I am so grateful for these little blessings.

Six months

Sweet Pea has been here with us for six months now.  Here are just a few of the fun and cute things I love about her these days:

• The way she wants to pull to standing everywhere now

• The way she wiggle-wiggles

• The way she likes to smell things lately, especially our feet

• The way she kisses all her stuffed animals or pretty much anything fabric, but only saves kisses for people for special moments

• The way she has started saying “mama”

• The way she has learned to turn pages of books on her own now and will sit and “read” for such a long time

• The way she is able to sit and focus on one task for a long time all on her own

• The way she loves to “walk” with us holding her hands, always with a big smile on her face

• The way she is still so serious with new people or in new situations, waiting to see what is expected of her, then once she settles in she is such a warm, sweet girl

• The way she has come so far in the past months that she does not even need any of the therapies anymore

• The way she loves the other baby that I watch and will let him kiss her, but pushes him away if he lingers too long

• The way her teeth are coming in out of order and even though she barely has two that can even touch, she still has learned how to grind them together

• The new “b-b-b” motorboat noise she has discovered this week

We will be going to court tomorrow morning to see if her biological parents' rights are terminated.  Bittersweet, for sure.

Shower

I've been taking the babies for a walk in the mornings.  No matter how early we leave, it's always already over 80 degrees.  That's Texas in the summer for ya.  So when we get back, I'd love to be able to take a shower right away.  Cash always goes right to sleep in his swing with no problems.  Lately Sweet Pea naps during the walk, then refuses to go back down once we get home like she used to.  Today I decided we would try something new, so I brought toys into my bathroom that I thought Sweet Pea would play with while I took a quick shower.  She seemed fine right until I stepped into the shower.  Then she SCREAMED non-stop until I got out.  She cried like I'd abandoned her forever.  She pulled herself up and stood at the end of the shower screaming "MAMAMAMA" over and over.  It didn't matter if she could see me, she still cried until I got out, got dressed and picked her up to comfort her.  This new separation anxiety phase is even worse than the first go-round.  We're going to have to figure something out or we're going to have one stinky mommy.

court

We went to court this afternoon for Payton's permanency hearing, basically just a check-in on her case.  Like I thought, it was no new news for us.  Termination of parental rights is still scheduled for next Thursday.  That will be a huge relief if it all happens as planned.  Even though nothing major happened, it's still exhausting just going to court.  Emotionally exhausting really.  Bio mom did show up today, but she was late.  The judge was running about 30 minutes behind and she still missed court.  She came in right after both sides had rested and the judge adjourned the case.  I recognized her right when she came in, but Shannon had never seen her before and he was holding Sweet Pea.  She sat down right behind us but there was never any contact.  Our case manager quickly said, "Let's go" and we headed out the back door, to the elevator and left as soon as we could.  Sweet Pea's caseworker was talking with her as we were leaving.  Those mixed feelings were there again, for both myself and Shannon.  Glad because it only looked good for us that we were there and there has never been any bio family at any of the court hearings.  But sad because she did show, but didn't even get to say her part or really see Sweet Pea.  Not that we want any visits, but still...  The grief for her is still so present.

We finally watched "The Blind Side" last night.  Cried.  Liked it a lot.  It's definitely not the same as our story, but has similarities with taking in a child, adoption, etc.  It reaffirmed that we feel like we're doing the right thing.  The right thing for us, the right thing for Sweet Pea.  Shannon asked me afterward if I'm sure about keeping Sweet Pea, that he just wanted to make sure we're on the same page as we move along.  I absolutely cannot imagine our lives without her.  She feels like such a part of us.  When I look at her, I feel at home.  You know that feeling when you know and love someone so much that they just feel like home?  Sweet Pea is definitely home for me.  Both comforting and somewhat scary as nothing is finalized yet.  Hopefully soon enough.  Soon enough.

Beach trip

We had a great time at the beach.  Sweet Pea absolutely loved splashing in the waves and didn't even mind when the water splashed in her face.  She would lick her lips over and over again to taste the salty water.  Too cute.  She didn't love the sand, but was really a good sport the whole time.  We forgot our camera the first day down at the beach when she was in a super happy mood, but did get some good pics the next day even though she was pretty sleepy.

We did discover that she is cutting *four* new teeth right now, so that helps to explain the recent fussiness.  Also her new independence by being able to crawl both excites her and frustrates her.  Now she knows she can go other places and knows we exist when we step out of her sight, so her separation anxiety has heightened again.  All weekend when I would leave the room, she would cry "nanananana" until she could see me again.  The past couple of days I've started hearing her say "Mama" a few times, but not consistently yet.  It's still such a sweet thing to hear though...

We go to court this afternoon for a permanency hearing.  I don't imagine we'll hear anything new there, but I'll be glad to have this behind us.  It's just one more step to termination, then moving toward adoption and that's a great goal to have  :)

What a difference a year makes :)

We had our licensing inspection this afternoon and passed with flying colors.  She asked questions and walked through our house, but hardly looked at any of the things I thought she would.  We were more than prepared and she had no concerns at all.  It's so good to have that behind us.

Our agency case manager and Sweet Pea's caseworker both came out for a visit yesterday evening.  We talked about what to expect at court next week, then at the termination trial the week after that, then what will happen once we enter the adoption phase.  It's crazy how easily and quickly this is happening.  I don't want to jinx it by saying that, but it really has been smooth.  Our case manager pointed out that we need to take our cat to the vet this month because she's due for her shots.  That means it's been a year now since we started this whole foster/adopt process.  What a difference a year makes  :)

Now all we need to do is pack for our little beach vacation.  We leave tomorrow afternoon and I am so ready.  We need a change of scenery for a bit and I can't wait to introduce Sweet Pea to all these new things.

New stage: screaming

Oh goodness, Sweet Pea has entered a new phase this week.  She has learned to SHRIEK and is using this often.  She's been in a generally cranky mood and the littlest thing seems to set her off.  Since the only word she knows is "dada" and this isn't very versitile, when she wants to express herself she screams this whiny shriek to get our attention.  Often.  I know she must be teething again and I hope this is the source of her crankiness and it passes soon.  I had always been so proud that she could put herself to sleep with little to no trouble, but that has really changed the past couple of days.  Twice yesterday after I layed her down, she screamed and cried so much that she threw up everywhere.  Twice.  It's not even that I'm leaving her in there screaming for a long time.  Last night, she was in there for less than a minute before she'd thrown up.  Her shriek seems to irritate her throat, make her cough, then throw up.  Fun.  This morning she screamed forever when I put her down for a nap, kept standing up in her crib and not knowing how to lay herself back down, then screamed some more until she finally wore herself out.  And this afternoon, she threw a huge fit at naptime no matter what I tried.  I finally had to rock her in my arms standing up in her room with the white noise machine and lullaby CD blaring to drown out her screaming.  It's not that she's not tired.  It's like since she's learning all these fun new skills--like crawling, pulling herself up to standing and cruising around the furniture--that she absolutely does not want to sleep but must practice her new tricks even though she's so exhausted that she ends up collapsed on the floor screaming in tears.

Needless to say, this new stage is exhausting for me.  I love that I'm able to be home with her most of the time, but lately it's been wearing on me.  The non-stop, 24/7 neediness is tiring.  Shannon's been busy with other things most evenings lately, so it's just been me.  He hasn't been a part of our bedtime night routine in so long and it feels like I almost never get a break.  Thankfully my mom is nearby and does still come over often to help and I appreciate that more than I can express.  Shannon did get up with Sweet Pea once in the middle of the night a few nights ago and that was much appreciated too.

It's hard to feel this way.  After wanting a child for so long, it's hard to feel exhausted now that I finally have mine.  I feel guilty.  I know there's not really anything I can do at those moments, but it's easy to feel like a little bit of a bad mom when she's screaming in her crib.  But I do still love Sweet Pea dearly and would do anything in the world for her.  I'll just be glad when we get through this screaming stage...

Update

We will finally be having our first licensing visit this week.  We've obviously been licensed foster parents for months and licensing could have come out any time before or after we'd gotten kids.  Somehow we'd just be overlooked for the past several months, but now it's our turn.  I think everything will be fine in our home, but it's always stressful to have someone come out and judge us.  Someone who technically has the power to close our home and stop us from keeping Sweet Pea.  Not that I think that will happen by any stretch of the imagination, but still gets me worrying.  Lots of little things to do to prep this week...

Our agency case manager will be coming out the day before the licensing visit to make sure everything looks good.  We heard more news from her about bio mom this week.  Doesn't look good at all for her.  The email was sent to me with a smiley face and even that I had mixed feelings about.  It's clearly good news for us, but still Shannon and I both had little tears in our eyes when I told him about it.

We'll be going to the beach for a long weekend next week.  It will be our first little family vacation and I'm so looking forward to it.  Excited to get away, excited for Sweet Pea to see the ocean for the first time, for her to put her feet in the sand and feel the saltwater.  I've already started gathering things to take for her.  If only packing for myself were so fun and easy.

Sweet Pea started crawling consistently this week.  She's been scooting on her belly--pushing off with one foot and pulling with one arm--for weeks, but now she's got it coordinated up on her hands and knees.  Her physical therapy supervisor should come out and reassess her sometime this week and I'm pretty sure she'll discharge her.  They had just been waiting to see her start crawling and make sure she was doing it correctly and now she is.  And I *finally* got rid of the occupational therapist this week too.  I honestly don't think she ever did anything to help Sweet Pea or to teach us what we could do to help her.  I had questioned her about goals, spoken with her supervisor, but she still stuck around.  This week I was trying to explain to her that all the other therapists are winding down and shouldn't she be finished too.  She tried to convince me she should come out once a month just to check on Sweet Pea.  None of the other therapists who actually helped us are doing that!  I know she just wanted to be able to milk Medicaid and keep getting paid for visit after visit.  She didn't even know how to do the discharge paperwork.  Not my concern.  Thank goodness we'll be done with all the therapies, that Sweet Pea has come so far that she has actually caught up with and even surpassed her adjusted age.  This is a huge step that I'm thrilled to be a part of.