Another Loss

I've thought so many times about how to begin this and there's no easy or right way.  We lost the baby.  We went in for the ultrasound on Friday and almost immediately, I knew.  I could see the baby in the sac and could clearly see there was no longer a heartbeat.  The doctor looked and looked from many angles, but there was no denying it.  It was gone.  She patted me gently on the leg and I spoke first.  "There's no heartbeat."  She said she was sorry and they would give us a minute.  Then Shannon was holding me as we cried, the reality of the situation already starting to set in.  It had happened again.  Our fourth pregnancy loss...

We've had a beach vacation with my family planned for months, so we decided to go ahead and go to the beach with everyone for the weekend.  We scheduled a D&C for Tuesday morning with my regular ob-gyn and planned to come home Sunday to get ready for the pre-op appointment Monday.  The beach was good overall.  Good to get away, relax, spend time with family.  I was able to escape and forget for moments at a time what we were going through.

But then, other times, it was right there, screaming in my face.  I am now the only one of my siblings without children.  This vacation was the first time for all of us to get together with everyone and their kids.  And it felt blaringly obvious what was missing.  Don't get me wrong-- I'm happy for all of them and love my nieces and nephews, but sometimes during the weekend it was just too much.

We were glad to get home Sunday.  I'd had a little light brown bleeding and light cramping over the weekend, but it started to increase on our drive back home.  By the time we got home I was full-on bleeding and starting to hurt quite a bit.  I took a hot bath, took a Darvocet left over from another miscarriage and went to bed.  I woke up a few hours later and was in so much pain.  Never felt anything like it before.  Like cramps only so much worse.  And it had only been 3 hours since I'd taken the pain pill.  The cramps were coming in waves and I realized this must be me in labor, getting ready to pass this baby.  I was completely freaked out, but somehow, with Shannon there to support me, made it through the night.

We went to my regular ob-gyn on Monday afternoon.  He started talking about the D&C and I told him I thought there was a chance I might have already had the miscarriage.  He did an ultrasound and we couldn't see anything like what we'd seen only 3 days before, so we cancelled the D&C and went home.  I was relieved to know the worst was over, at least physically.  I didn't know if I could handle another night like the one before.

I've been off work all week because I'm supposed to be on vacation at the beach.  I'm not sure how I'm feeling.  Depends on the moment.  Sometimes strong and determined.  Often lost and questioning.  A little weapy.  I may or may not go back to work tomorrow, can't decide.  I feel like I can't make any good decisions right now.  Lately when we've been driving or watching TV, Shannon will point out some little detail and I'm surprised because I've completely missed it.  Like I'm travelling through a fog and can't see what's right in front of me.  Not sure where to turn next...