Healing

I feel better today. I'm not saying I've definitely shed my last tear over this pregnancy, but I already feel like I'm coming to terms with it and able to see the big picture without getting swallowed by the darkness again like before.

I'll admit, it wasn't my finest morning as a mother. I woke up cranky and still wanting to just wallow on the couch. Payton was sweet at first, but then really wanted more attention than I was able to give. Our poor cat took the brunt of it as Payton chased her around and generally tormented her in hopes of getting a reaction out of me. As I got more and more frustrated with the situation, it finally dawned on me what was happening. So I gave in and called my mom in for backup.

Then I went to lunch with my sweet friend. The one who brought by the plant last night. The one who's listened to me whine and cry about all my previous losses. The one who's endured my ups and downs despite how hard it must be for her in her own situation. And as always, she listened and empathized. Just talking with her helped me see a new, better perspective. I am so thankful for that.

Then I went to work. I was a little worried about working today, especially since it was at the shelter where I counsel pregnant and parenting teen girls. I knew I would be working with two noticeably pregnant girls and wondered how I'd be able to handle it. Honestly, one of my biggest concerns with trying to get pregnant again was how it would affect my work. I really do love what I do and didn't want another pregnancy loss to cloud my ability to work with these girls.

And amazingly, today, it did not. I didn't cry or even feel especially emotional while I was there. I was able to be present with my clients despite my circumstances and that felt really good. I just felt like myself. What a relief. Actually, I feel more worried about going back to our playgroup. Just too many babies and pregnant bellies there. And thankfully, somehow my brain is able to separate those from the shelter with those of my peers who I compare myself to and, let's be honest, feel jealous of.

I heard from my sweet nurse today who said my pregnancy hormone level was very low, only around 300. So that's a relief too. That means there really isn't a concern of ectopic with this one. And that low number coupled with really not seeing anything on the ultrasound yesterday reassures me that this miscarriage really shouldn't be too bad physically. I'm expecting it to really just be like a heavy period. No fun, but nothing like the trauma of the last miscarriage. This one is much like pregnancy #3, the blighted ovum. Never saw a baby, never felt too attached. I'll go back for blood work again tomorrow, but then I imagine that will be it for this pregnancy. No need for another ultrasound or any other follow-up. Just a two-week blip on the radar and now we can get back to "normal".

Full circle

Today has been a rollercoaster of emotions. I woke up at 4am, already anticipating my appointment this afternoon. I got up and did my Lovenox and Progesterone (which feels strange to just be quitting now.) We had some freezing rain today that threatened to close down the town again for the second time in a week, which is unheard of here. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to go to work and would sit at home worrying all day. But thankfully, I did go to work and was able to take my mind off everything for a bit. My last client of the day decided to color a mandala in session, which meant I got to color too. I was feeling relaxed and focused, ready to face the rest of the day.

While I was working, I happened to write the date and it dawned on me. Today was the day of my ectopic surgery six years ago. Six years ago. It felt like coming full circle to be back at the same doctor again today.

In a lot of ways it feels like we haven't come very far in these past six years. We aren't any closer in any practical way to having a biological child. I've certainly learned a lot about myself and experienced so many ups and downs, but still there are no guarantees.

Then again, I am so different now. What makes me the most different? Today, after a quiet afternoon at home with Shannon where I cried and we talked about where we go from here (not all that different from other losses), my amazing daughter came home. My sweet girl came up to me, gave me a big hug and said "I'm sorry you're not feeling well Mommy." She was both a great distraction and a great reminder that life goes on. That I do have much to be thankful for.

I sent texts out to my few friends and family that I had told about the pregnancy. I just wasn't ready to say the news out loud yet. But eventually I heard from everyone and it was very touching to know they care. One of my best friends who has been there with me through all of this even stopped by with a plant and a card, saying it was in memory of our special baby lost too soon. Her friendship and that gesture means more to me than she'll ever know.

Even with the sadness, I am thankful. I'm glad we found this out today rather than weeks down the road. I never felt especially attached to this pregnancy. Of course, I had started to imagine what could be, but I've really learned to guard myself over the years. Sad, but necessary. In the big picture, this was just a quick two week event in my life and doesn't have to define my entire being. I don't have to go back to that dark place of losses past.

First thing when we got home, Shannon poured me a big glass of wine. I had a big hamburger and Coke and a milkshake for dinner (my ultimate comfort food.) I sat on the couch and let Shannon do most of the hands-on child care tonight. I took an entirely too hot bath. And I'm feeling a little sense of peace with the situation for now.

Sad

Ultrasound did not go well. There was really nothing to see. And there definitely should have been something. They did blood work today and I'll do more Thursday to determine if it's a miscarriage or ectopic. The only thing we could see was a cyst on my ovary, which can be completely normal in pregnancy. So hopefully I'll know something for sure by Friday. Or I'll just have a natural miscarriage in the meantime. If not we'll do another ultrasound next week to decide the best course of action.

Either way, my doctor and nurse were very kind and understanding. I'm thankful for them.

I thought I was prepared for this. But I'm sadder than I thought I'd be. How can I be sad about something I never had?

Anticipation

I have my first ultrasound for this pregnancy scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. I'm still not sure how I feel about all this. Not sure how I'm supposed to feel. Not sure I can allow myself to feel yet. I am really looking forward to the appointment though. I think I'll feel better once I know what we're dealing with. I should be 6 weeks tomorrow, so there should be a heartbeat. If there's no heartbeat or it's not a strong one, I'll be prepared for the inevitable. I know what to expect there. If there is a good, strong heartbeat, maybe I'll be able to let my guard down and enjoy this a bit more.

This pregnancy certainly seems to feel differently than my others. I had symptoms with the others, but sometimes they seem stronger this time around. I definitely feel nauseous, achy, tired, out of breath easily. I have some cramping every day, but that seems to be lessening a little. I've had no spotting since the day before my missed period, so that's reassuring. But who am I kidding? I can't trust my symptoms. They've definitely misled me before.

I know it sounds crazy for only 6 weeks, but my belly seems significantly bigger to me. I'm not skinny normally, but this is definitely more. Even my "fat pants" are getting tight. My mom even commented on it today and she's usually a good judge of me.

The medications are going well so far. The Lovenox injections are leaving less bruises than the Heparin did in my last pregnancy. The Progesterone suppositories are not fun, but do make me feel like I'm doing something to help. I keep reminding myself how the pharmacist said these are good to help "stabilize the pregnancy" and that feels reassuring. I've been on a good routine of waking up super early to do all these meds before Payton even wakes up. So, thankfully, she has no idea what's going on for now. I've been trying to pick her up less and not do every little thing for her. Which is a good thing, whether I'm pregnant or not. She is 3 &1/2 and I definitely tend to foster too much dependence on me.

I've already told myself I think I'll want to try again later this year if this one doesn't work out. I think I could handle one more before officially throwing in the towel. It feels like we've already gone back down the rabbit hole as it is, so we might as well give it our best shot.

I'm going in with a list of questions and requests at my appointment tomorrow. I definitely feel more educated and like I've learned to advocate for myself much better this time around. And luckily, my doctor has been both proactive and open to my suggestions so far.

Shannon tells me I should be more positive this time around. But I still feel like I need to guard my heart. I do so much want things to be different this time and can start to picture it at times, but I'm not ready to fully embrace it yet. Maybe tomorrow...

Gotcha

Tomorrow is Payton's gotcha day; three whole years since she came to our home and changed our lives forever. I will forever be grateful to those that loved and cared for my daughter before we had a chance to. And forever be thankful that I get to be her mommy.

Tonight before bed, Payton chose to read "Are You My Mother?" We always love this one together, but it was especially poignant tonight. I took the opportunity to try to expand on her understanding of adoption. I told her we were just like the book, looking for each other until we finally found one another.

I asked her if she knew what it means to be adopted. She said yes with a big smile on her face, but wasn't able to say more. I explained that she had another mother and father when she was born. She said "My birth mommy and daddy?" I said they tried their best to take care of her, but they weren't able to. I said she lived in a hospital and a foster home before coming here. I told her that when they brought her here and we saw her for the first time, we said "Oh, there she is. There is our daughter."

She smiled and seemed to understand. I told her I was sad I didn't get to know her when she was born, but I'm so lucky to get to be her mommy forever.

Positive

Oh my goodness. You are not going to believe my news.

I. Am. Pregnant.

This is completely unexpected and unplanned. After all our years of trying and struggling and now whoops, here we are. I'm still in complete shock.

If you remember, I stopped taking the Depo this summer after the doctor discovered bone loss. Since then, I've been weighing my options and trying to decide our best plan. I recently decided I would just go ahead and get on a birth control pill and wait until my annual exam in June to discuss it all with my doctor. I was thinking of maybe trying one more time to get pregnant, maybe starting in the fall after going to some sort of specialist to make sure everything was good. And even that was still a big maybe in my mind. Either way, I had called the doctor last week to get a new birth control prescription (which in and of itself was difficult since I was diagnosed with that blood clotting disorder and can't take anything with estrogen.) I picked up the prescription and waited for my period to come to start it. And it never came. Unbelievable.

I know that since I wasn't technically on birth control, there was always a slight chance I could get pregnant. But we were careful. I know when I ovulate and tried to avoid intercourse then. This month we did it one time anywhere near ovulation and it was the day after, so I figured we were good. Surprise!

I started to get suspicious earlier this week when my period was late and I'm never late. But I told myself I was crazy and ignored it. I had some slight spotting and cramping on Monday night, so I took an Aleve, put on a pad and assumed it would come while I was sleeping. But it didn't. By Wednesday I was really suspicious. I told Shannon and went to buy a test that night after Payton went to sleep (I just couldn't buy one at the store earlier that day because I had no idea how I would answer Payton's questions.) I bought a pack with two tests and impulsively took one immediately. I must have done it wrong in my nervousness because the control line never showed so I had to just throw that one away. I made myself calm down and wait until the next morning since I knew it's always better with first morning urine anyway. I slept until 3:30 and woke up very aware that my period still had not come. I tried to go back to sleep, but finally gave in at 4am and took the test. Slowly and faintly, that plus sign started to emerge. I could hardly believe it. I didn't sleep anymore that night, but waited until Shannon's alarm went off at 6 to tell him. In the meantime, I got online and read up on my conditions that may have affected my previous pregnancies and tried to determine my plan of action.

Even as unexpected and unplanned as this is, it is certainly welcome. It's like nature said don't worry about all that trying this time, we got it under control. This has been my dream. Well, actually my dream has been to suddenly find out I'm already 12+ weeks along and everything is fine. So we'll go with it and handle it in stride.

I called my OBGYN as soon as I dropped off Payton at school. I talked to my nurse there (who I love, by the way) and we laughed "So much for that birth control!" She looked at my chart, listened carefully to my history and asked about all the conditions we'd discovered at the fertility doctor (4 years ago!) She talked to my doctor (who I also love) and called me back with the plan. I'm starting Lovenox shots and Progesterone suppositories right away. By chance, I had my thyroid level checked at my family doctor last week and it was slightly elevated. That's a whole other story. I strongly believe my thyroid is to blame for my miscarriages. I've done a lot of researching and reading on the subject and doctors as a whole tend to dismiss thyroid issues. The supposed appropriate thyroid levels are entirely too high. I don't blame my doctor. He can't be a specialist in everything. But knowing what I know, I cannot ignore it. My TSH level last week was 3.5 and the recommendation now is for it to be under 2.5, actually closer to 1 when pregnant and trying to conceive. And just getting pregnant usually causes the level to go up so most women need a 30-50% increase in their medication. I even read in several places where they recommend women automatically increasing their medication themselves once they get a positive pregnancy test. So that's what I did. When I talked to my nurse, she said (as expected) that the doctor wasn't concerned about my thyroid level and didn't see a need for an increase. I respectfully disagreed and insisted on it. And so he increased it :) If I'm going to give myself painful daily injections and vaginal suppositories, I'm certainly going to do everything in my power to save this one.

I'll be referred to a perinatologist, but they have to wait until at least 6 weeks to determine if it is "a viable pregnancy". So I have an ultrasound scheduled with my OBGYN in less than 2 weeks. And I'm okay with that wait. In other pregnancies, I wanted a scan as soon as possible and as often as possible. But I know there would really be nothing to see at this point and nothing I can do anyway. I certainly don't want to lose this baby, but if that were to happen, I know I would live. It doesn't feel so desperate this time around. I know I have Payton and other options. But wouldn't it be amazing if it did work this time?

I went to pick up my new medications this morning. I had to go to a special, New pharmacy since they had to compound the Progesterone and order the Lovenox. I know they're trying to grow their new business, but they completely sold me. The pharmacist was so nice. He went through each medication carefully with me, saying he knew my nurse had said I'd taken some of these but he knew it was years ago. He told me about his wife's miscarriages and that she goes to my OBGYN and loves him too. He encouraged me to call with any questions and made sure I knew how to contact him after hours if I ever needed to.

Then I went to my OBGYN's office so my nurse could give me a refresher on the injections. She totally didn't have to go out of her way like this and I was touched by her kindness. She also gave me a ton of samples of prenatal vitamins since it's been years since I've been on them.

All in all, it's been a positive experience so far. I have to say I'm cautiously optimistic. Still in shock, but hopeful. Maybe this is how it was supposed to be all along.