Beginning to see the light

Things are finally starting to calm down. We have been in crisis mode for the past couple of months and it was wearing on us terribly. I was super irritable all the time, Payton's default mode was meltdown. But this week, we are finally seeing some improvements. Not quite back to normal yet, but it gives me hope for the future.

Shannon has finally been released from his surgeon and is back to completely normal duties at work and home. You could absolutely see the change in Payton the day we heard this news. He went to pick her up out of her car seat after not being allowed to lift her for more than a month and the look on her face was priceless. That has helped immensely. Now they can do their usual rough and tumble play that she craves so much with him. And he can really feel safe alone with her again (there were several times in her acting out lately that she would purposely hit him in the stomach where she knew his incisions were just because she knew this would get him the most.) So that has helped her calm down a great deal.

Also, my mom is back home on her own now. Payton and I stayed with her for the first week and that was rough behavior for Payton. I'm sure it sounded like fun to her at first, but that's when her rages really started to increase. Then we went home and a friend stayed with my mom for a week. Now my mom feels safe at home by herself. We go over often to help her with many things since she is still in a wheelchair most of the time, but she got the cast off and is finally able to put weight on that leg, a lifechanger for sure. I've even felt safe leaving Payton over there alone with my mom for an hour or two at a time this week and that has made a huge difference. They have such a special bond and I know they were so missing their quality time together.

It's almost like we can finally breathe easier again. Payton is giving up her hunger strike and finally eating relatively normal meals again. She is not fighting us at every little transition or time when she does not have complete control. Sure, we still have our moments, especially when she is especially hungry or sleepy. I can handle those normal, every once in a while tantrums. It was the screaming and hurting every single morning and every single night that was completely wearing me out.

I understand completely why she had this reaction and was acting out like this. All three of her most important people in life were broken. Nana shattered her ankle and was placed in a facility, Daddy had surgery and Mommy was a stressed out, exhausted mess. That must have been really scary for her. And I think it triggered some adoption issues for her too. Not that she ever said anything adoption related, but it seemed like some definitely abandonment and control issues. After all her meltdowns, we always reminded her that we love her no matter what and we will be her parents forever, no matter what. I just wanted her to feel safe and loved.

After my endometrial biopsy last month, they told me they got cells from the cervix/lower part of my uterus and this was the wrong area. So we had to redo it. I went this week and knew it would be even more unpleasant this time around. My doctor told me she was going to be more aggressive to make sure she got the correct cells so we didn't have to perform a more invasive procedure in the future. I thought I was prepared, but man, that was the most painful thing I've ever had done awake. I'm usually a very good, compliant patient. I can sit and stare at a nice dot on the ceiling to dissociate through dental work or pap smears just great. I never complain. But this time, I was definitely vocal. I was already tender from having ovulation pain that morning and when she hit that spot, I almost came up off the table. I told her she had to stop and I couldn't handle it. She let me breathe for a second before starting again to make sure she got enough tissue for the biopsy. Wow, it hurt like nothing I can describe. But we definitely got the right cells and they already called me with the results. Negative. Everything looks great in my uterus now and we are free to start trying to get pregnant on our own again.

I haven't had this conversation with Shannon yet. With all the stress we've had lately, it was definitely not the right time to be trying. But as things are calming down again, it feels like this is our chance. There is clearly no guarantee that we will be successful. My history does not predict a positive outcome. But things have changed significantly for my health and body in the past year. That awful tube that was leaking toxic fluids into my uterus is finally gone. My abnormal cells of my uterus are cleared up now. My thyroid level is finally under control and I even lowered my thyroid antibodies significantly. I've learned how to eat healthy for my body and help myself feel strong, both physically and mentally. It feels like now or never. I'm not getting any younger. I feel like I need to give it one more try, the best shot I can. Then I will be able to accept the outcome, whatever it may be.

Whatever happens in the future, I'm thankful to finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

The struggle is real.

I'm really struggling right now. Both physically and emotionally, I'm a mess today. Prior to my mom's fall, I had made several positive changes in my life. I had completely changed my eating habits, lost a significant amount of weight and was generally feeling better than I had in a long time. I was exercising almost daily, feeling strong and healthy and (dare I say) skinny for the first time in years. That all disappeared once my life was turned upside down and I went straight into crisis mode for the past six weeks. I tried working out a few times and ate a few good meals, but generally I ate fast food more days than not and I was back to drinking Cokes every day again. My sugar addiction came back full force and I fed it ravenously. Even if I had a healthy breakfast, I still often followed it up with a candy bar and Coke. It was not good. As a result, I was feeling worse than ever. It was one thing when I used to eat like this and not know the difference. But after changing my habits and becoming more aware, I really felt the negativity I was feeding my body. I gained a few pounds, not the worst thing in the world. But I was exhausted, not sleeping well and achy all over. I have discovered that sugar/grains equals pain in several specific areas of my body, especially my back, neck and arm. I knew I was hurting myself, but it felt so hard to stop. Absurd.

It is clear in my life that I need to make some positive changes if we're going to survive this crisis. I've been irritable and losing my cool way too quickly again lately. I used to pride myself on being patient and calm in almost any situation, but it's like I've lost these traits completely. What worst, I see this as evident most is in Payton. I love my daughter unconditionally, but she really knows how to push my buttons. And those buttons are easily triggered lately. Last week was her Spring Break, so we had a lot of extra time together, which typically ends badly for us. She gets super clingy with me. I feel a need for more space. She gets even more needy and clingy. And the vicious cycle continues.

We've had some awful moments together lately. Lots of screaming and both losing our cool. She is super smart and can be manipulative as a result, so she knows just how to get to me. I tell myself, "This time, I'll be the parent I know I should be and stay calm no matter what." Sometimes I can. But more often lately, I just can't. And I hate the mommy I become. I feel so super guilty because I wanted to be a mother more than anything and now I am nothing like the mother I imagined myself to be. It's a truly terrible feeling.

We had a bad morning today. I drove her to school with her screaming and crying. I was in tears as I walked out of her classroom. Of course, this would be the day the teacher decides to talk to me about her recent behavior there. She's been getting in trouble, nothing major at this point, but basically pestering her classmates and not listening. Gee, sounds familiar. So now our family crisis is spilling over into her school life. Great... I was bawling as I walked to my car after that.

So I know I need to make changes. I began exercising again yesterday since I know this helps me, even when it is hard. I started eating right again yesterday. The first few days of detoxing from all the sugar, caffeine, etc are always hard. Yesterday was not too bad, but I feel awful today. I slept restlessly, waking often in pain. I have a blinding headache. I feel vaguely nauseous all the time. I know I just have to make it past these rough days and I will start to feel the benefits, but man, I am struggling.

I'm thinking of going to see a therapist. It's ironic that as a counselor myself, I have never been to counseling personally. I really think this could help me. Every friend I talk to, I feel like I dump all my problems on. Shannon is just not the best for me to go to. I always want him to just empathize and hug me, but he tries to problem solve and I usually end up feeling worse. Finding the right therapist for me may be a bit challenging as I know I want someone good, but obviously can't go to someone I already know and I am friends with many local therapists.

On top of everything, I had my endometrial biopsy at the fertility doctor last week. I did my four months of progesterone treatment designed to fix my abnormal lining of my uterus, so it was time to check how things look in there, no matter whether I feel ready to proceed or not. I should find out the results some time this week. I'm not even sure what I hope for. I'm clearly not in a good place in my life to be trying to get pregnant right now. My fertility doctor said if the results were bad she would refer me to someone else to treat the issue further. Not really sure what that would mean. Honestly, my first thought when I heard that was screw it all and let's just get a hysterectomy and be done with it all. I mean, with all the losses I've had and everything stacked against a healthy pregnancy, is it really worth putting us through MORE to just prolong the inevitable? When do we finally give up and accept that this just isn't in the cards for us? I guess we'll just wait and see what the results are...

Taking care

I've planned many positive, hopeful blogs in my head over the past few months, but never got any of them written down. Then my life was turned upside down and all those shiny, happy thoughts went out the window.

One month ago, my mom fell at home in the middle of the night and severely broke her ankle and leg. She calmly called me at 3 in the morning and by some miracle I saw (not even heard) my phone ringing and answered it, not realizing the magnitude of the situation. She stayed cool and collected while I, who am usually so good in crisis situations, couldn't seem to think clearly enough. The fracture was so bad that the ER staff all came in to gawk in amazement, but somehow my mom stayed strong through it all. She had surgery later that day and was eventually moved to a rehab facility a couple of days later. It wasn't until later in the week that the reality of the situation really hit me.

It is so scary to see my mom getting older, needing so much help in so many ways now. She cannot put any weight on that leg for at least two months, so it is not safe for her to be left alone for any length of time. She's still in the rehab facility a month later with no idea when she will be ready to leave. They're trying to help her strengthen her arms and other leg, but it's a slow process that feels very overwhelming at times. I just want her to live happily and safely and independently for as long as she can and it's getting harder to imagine how we can do that right now.

Another major reality is that my mom was our primary caregiver for Payton. She picked her up from preschool most days and kept her pretty much anytime I needed her to. She was our date night babysitter, our oh-my-goodness-I-need-a-break-from-parenting savior. She and Payton have such a close bond and I know it's hard for them to be separated so much. I take her to visit Nana as much as I can, but I know it's not the same as their usual one-on-one time.

And the big kicker is that my husband had surgery today too. He's been suffering from severe acid reflux for years and we'd already scheduled this surgery before my mom's accident. I'd always just assumed my mom would be there to help out during this time, but that's clearly not the case. Shannon's surgery went smoothly today, but he's spending the night in the hospital and will be recovering at home for quite a while.

I feel like I've spent the entire last month in a cloud of confusion and sleepiness. My overwhelming emotions these days are guilt and exhaustion. I feel guilty that I'm not visiting my mom more and doing more for her because I know what a difference it makes when I am able to visit and help out more. I feel guilty that Payton has to go to extended care at preschool most days now and that she is not getting the best version of me even when I am with her. I feel even more guilty that I work late many evenings and Shannon is home alone with Payton, who is acting out more and more with all the chaos in our lives lately. I feel guilty that I'm not at all fully invested with my clients when I am at work and feel like I'm only half-present and rarely fully engaged in sessions lately. I feel guilty that I've had to ask friends and family for all kinds of help and favors that I cannot even begin to repay right now. I feel like there is not enough of me to go around. I feel tired. Tired of having to take care of everyone else, but not ever having enough time for me these days. I did not imagine myself in this season of life so soon and the reality of the situation is starting to hit hard.