Wow, it's been way too long since I last posted. It's been so long and we've had so much going on, I'm not even sure where to begin. This post may turn in to one long rambling mess. So to my two readers, if you're still even out there, I apologize in advance.
Since I last wrote, we did go on our amazing "babymoon". We spent almost a week in Los Angeles visiting my brother and his family. For much of the time out there, my brother and his wife were out of town, so we got to take care of my 11-month old nephew on our own. Very good practice for Shannon and I as we prepare to have children of our own here. We took him for walks, went to the park, danced and sang silly songs together. Seriously, just playing with my nephew was one of the biggest highlights of the trip, right up there with all the amazing things we did in Costa Rica. That's not to say our time in Costa Rica was not amazing, because it truly was. We were fun and adventurous and spontaneous. We drove across the entire country with no itinerary, not one planned reservation for where we were going to stay and it worked out perfectly. I have Shannon to thank for encouraging me to get out of my shell and enjoy such a free time together. And it was especially enjoyable because it was so special for us to just spend time together, just the two of us for our last vacation as non-parents. Even when we got home, we took naps on the couch together and woke up saying to one another, "Wow, appreciate that. We probably won't be able to do that in a couple of months."
We've been back almost two weeks already from our amazing LA/Costa Rica vacation extraordinaire. We had such a wonderful time and it's been hard to readjust back to reality. When we got back, neither Shannon nor I really had a job so we were able to pretend for the first few days or so that we were still on vacation. We still went out and spent money we don't necessarily have right now and charged it to a credit card. But now, the real world is starting to sink in again. Shannon started a new job this week. A very grown-up but rather humdrum job. He keeps focusing on how great it will be in the long run (great benefits, retirement, regular schedule, weekends off) and I hope he can keep that enthusiasm.
I, on the other hand, am still unemployed. In theory, I still have grand plans on how I'll be able to do more private/independent work, but nothing's happening yet. Selfishly, I'd hoped it was all going to work itself out while we were away on vacation, but that did NOT happen. I've come to realize this week a couple of personality traits I have working against me in the challenge of being unemployed or even self-employed. 1) I am such a great procrastinator. I can have the grandest of plans, the best to-do lists and still nothing gets done. My perfectionism tends to win out as I worry that if I finally do whatever it is I need to do, it won't be done correctly, so I might as well not do it, or at least I should put it off until tomorrow. 2) I have an embarrassing sense of entitlement. Somewhere, deep inside in a place where I hate to even admit, I wish things would just be done for me. I think it stems from growing up rather privilidged as a child. We had plenty of money and I never really had to do much to get what I wanted. I never thought of myself as spoiled-- and trust me, I knew some VERY spoiled people. But now, looking back... I mean, I appreciate all the hard work my dad did and all they were able to give me and my brother. It just makes it a little harder now as an adult. I wish I didn't have to work. I have always wished that I would be able to stay home with our children. But now with Shannon taking this new job, it is clear that will not be a possibility. I will have to work. I wish other people would find jobs, find clients for me. I wish other people would create a non-profit for me to work at, but I don't want to do the work to create said non-profit. I wish my dad would still just give us money for no reason. I am ashamed to even admit all these wishes, but they're there...
We had our big homestudy interview a few days after getting back from our vacation. When we opened the door, surprise (!) our case manager had changed. Our original case manager decided to start her maternity leave a little earlier than expected, so we had a replacement show up instead. We liked her fine, but she wasn't as warm and genuine as the first one. But if nothing else, we've learned we've got to roll with the punches. If she's who we have to work with to get our kids in our home, so be it. I'll share all our intimate details with this perfect stranger. No problem. And really it was so much easier and less invasive than I'd thought it would be. So now we're really done with our part of getting us licensed. We just have to wait for her to write up our homestudy, have it approved by the agency, have us approve it and that's it. Then she'll come back out to our house to sign contracts and our house will officially be "open". She echoed what many others have told us. Since we are so open and willing to accept a sibling group, a rather large range of ages (0-9) and any ethnicity, we should get kids pretty quickly. Shannon still says like he has since the beginning that we'll have kids by Christmas. That is both completely awesome and completely terrifying.
I feel like there's still so much to be done to prepare ourselves for this enormous change in our lives. I still need to figure our my career situation and get our finances squared away. I still have closets to clean out and rooms to rearrange. They've convinced us we should wait to buy furniture until we know what kids we'll be getting. Which makes since but also freaks me out. In about month from now, we could get a call for an emergency placement. I have a few sweet friends who have offered me to throw an impromptu "baby shower", but how do we even plan for that? Do I tell friends to be prepared at a moment's notice to buy me things? I know any new parent-to-be feels unprepared, even after 9 months of a planned pregnancy, but this feels exponentially bigger.
I'm both so ready to be a mother with kids actually here in our home and so scared at the prospect of it at the same time. I've always known I'm meant to be a mother, but there is so much unknown in this process too. Will I really be good at it? Will I finally feel satisfied? Will it be enough for me? Will I be enough for them? I guess I just have to have faith and be thankful with where we are in life. So much to look forward to. Either way, we actually will have kids in our home soon. With all the trying to conceive and disappointments and loss, we've actually made it here almost to the other side. Shannon and I are still together. We are stronger than ever, both individually and as a team. We are blessed and lucky.
I have been reminded of our blessings lately. Recently, a couple of people I kind of know (friends of friends, people I went to high school with) have had VERY premature babies. Like at 24 or 25 weeks. And I found out today that two of the babies (a boy and girl set of twins) died this week and they had a funeral for the babies today. Through everything we've been through, I'm so thankful we haven't been through that. It sounds like the rollercoaster of a miscarriage times 1000. Selfishly, it makes me glad we aren't trying to get pregnant right now. Still don't know if we'll go back down that road sometime again in the future, but I'm very glad we aren't there right now.
I am in a place right now where I can be happy for my friends who are pregnant and not be that crazy jealous lady I have been in the past. Those twinges still show up from time to time, but it's not overwhelming like it has been. I'm on my own path and that's okay. Maybe babies just weren't meant to come to me through pregnancy. And I'm feeling more and more okay with that as time passes.
Wow, this really did turn in to a rambling mess like I predicted. Hopefully I covered all the high points. I really needed to get it all out. To remind myself of how far we've come and how much we have to look forward to in our future. To remind myself, once again, to appreciate that journey along the way, wherever it might lead us...
