Big day in toddlerhood

It was a big day at our house yesterday. Payton finally got to ride in a forward-facing car seat for the first time. We had been hoping she would be 20 pounds by the time she turned 2 and we just eeked by. She was unsure at first, but liked it. She asked lots of questions while we were driving, but did say "Wheee!" when we pulled out of the driveway.

She also pooped in the potty for the first time yesterday too. Pretty sure she was a little traumatized by it and won't be wanting to try that again for a little while. I got out her potty seat today and she clearly said "No, all done." Still, my baby is growing up...

Perspective

I joined a local moms' group a few months ago. With work I'm not able to go to all the events, but we've been to a few and started to meet some new people. We went to a playdate last week. I got an email today that the two-year-old girl whose house we went to last week died. Drowning accident, it said. I'd only met the family the one time, but it's really hit me. Here we are celebrating Payton's birthday while that family is grieving the loss of their little one. Really puts everything into perspective. I definitely snuggled Payton a little longer and a little tighter tonight at bedtime...

Happy Birthday!!

Today is Payton's 2nd birthday. I can hardly believe I have a two-year-old daughter.

Here are some of the adorable things she is doing lately:

• You’re talking so much more these days. You are definitely in the “language explosion” stage right now.


• You’re becoming such a big girl, with such a fun, strong personality.

• You’re starting to sing songs on your own. Your favorites are “ABC’s”, “Bingo” and “Old McDonald”. You recognize each and every song on your favorite CD right away and typically sing the last word of each line.

• When you sing your “ABC’s”, you mostly just say A-B-C, then H-I-J-K (your favorite group of letters right now). You also like the letter X.

• The way you count: when we say 1, you automatically say 2, knowing something fun usually happens after 3. You also like to say 8-9-10 over and over.

• You’ve learned to say your name. It is especially the adorable way you say our last name when we prompt you with your first and middle names.

• You recognize our neighborhood the minute we turn in, saying “Payton house” over and over. You also do this at Nana’s neighborhood.

• You like to help clean up, making sure everything goes in its right place. If someone gets up from where they’re sitting, you go over, pat the seat and say their name to remind them that’s their spot.

• I love the way you run to me when I get home, saying “Mommy home” so sweetly.

• You love little babies now. You are still talking about baby Farrah over 2 months later after our trip to California.

• You usually tell on yourself when you do something you know you shouldn’t have done. You’ll come running in the room, saying “No Payton, no Payton” and will lead us to what needs to be fixed.

• Your dancing and jumping are the same thing right now (both are a little hop/skip move).

• You know the routines of the day, like bath always comes after dinner and cup comes after night-night books.

• You are super clingy with me lately, definitely preferring me over anyone else right now. Sometimes when Nana comes over now, you start to cry because you know I’ll probably be leaving for work soon. The other evening when I got home, you said “Bye Nana, see ‘morrow” to make sure I was staying with you.

• You love to dip your food (in ketchup, ranch, etc) and usually end up just eating the dip itself.

• You absolutely love to play chase, laughing and screaming when we play along.

I feel so absolutely lucky and blessed to be your mommy!!! I love you Sweet Pea!

Birthdays and triggers

Today is my 33rd birthday.

I had my annual gyn exam this morning. I know, who schedules this for their birthday, right? Just happened to fall that way. As usual I was a little apprehensive about the appointment. Not because I have anything going on right now. It's just going to that office triggers a little piece of PTSD in me. I flashback to the other times I sat in that waiting room, the other times I sat on that exam table wondering what kind of news we would have from this pregnancy this time around. I was the last patient before lunch, so I was worried they'd be running behind and there would be a million happily pregnant women in the waiting room to rub it in my face. But it wasn't bad at all. Once I was in the exam room, I did have to do a little deep breathing to relax, but no major traumas. No heartbeats in the next room this time (thank God). There was a moment when I was waiting where I felt tears wanting to spring to my eyes. I hardly ever cry over these losses anymore these days, but something about that place just makes it all feel so fresh again. I just kept trying to picture my sweet Payton and her absolute joy when she sees me walk in the room. She makes it all worth it.

I do wonder if we'll ever TTC again. A big part of me still feels like I could not go down that dark road again. But every once in a while, I do get a little twitch to try again. A couple of weeks ago, I let my mind run away from me for a couple of days and imagined I could be pregnant. I was feeling nauseous and a little crampy. Obviously these could be due to all kinds of things, but it got me wondering. I'm clearly not, but at the time I wasn't sure whether I was relieved or disappointed. It would still be a long way off if we ever did try again, so I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Shannon's sister is pretty pregnant now, due at the end of August. I am very happy for them and look forward to being an aunt to this baby boy, but I still have issues being around her so pregnant at times. That little green jealousy just creeps back in from time to time. She's planning on scheduling a 4D ultrasound sometime soon and wants the whole family (including me) to be there for it. While I am happy to be invited and included, part of me wonders if I could handle this. Sure, I'd be able to hold it together in the moment, but ultrasounds are tough for me. No wonder why. Not sure how I'll handle this yet.