Adoption world

We went today to try and change Payton's social security number. This is something our foster/adopt agency highly recommended and it was even written into our adoption court order. (The reason being that her biological family could have access this number and try to use it fraudulently.) I had heard mixed things about how successful this might be, so I went in knowing it might be difficult. The man we talked to was very nice and tried to be as helpful as he could be, but they refused to change her number. He asked his supervisor and read through the regulations closely, but it stated that there already has to some abuse or fraud to authorize changing the number. That's great-- we have to wait until Payton is older and she tries to get a job or get credit somewhere to find out that it's already been ruined. Hopefully that's not the case. Hopefully no one in her biological family would ever do that. I try to think the best, but you never know. I just want what's best for my daughter.

About a month ago, I'd been thinking a lot about Payton's biological mother for some reason. She was just on my mind, wondering where she is, how she's doing and hoping she is well. I even stalkingly looked her up on Facebook. She was surprisingly easy to find. She hadn't had anything posted on there in months, but it did have several pictures from the past year, one possibly even of Payton's siblings that live in another state with relatives. Also, under the section where it says "Who inspires you?" she had written "My kids". This struck me as both so sweet and so sad. I'm glad to know she feels this way and would be proud to tell Payton this one day. But at the same time, it's heartbreaking to know she feels this way when she is unable to parent any of them, when none of them live with her, whether by choice or not.

Around this same time, we also finally received our copy of Payton's file from CPS. Most of it was the same as what we had read at the office right before the adoption, but there was a section in the beginning outlining all the contact CPS had with various family members, etc shortly after Payton was born. There was a family member in another state who almost got custody of her, who had a plane ticket in hand to come pick her up from the NICU until they found out a major piece of negative information about that family member at the last minute. We were that close to having someone else take our daughter and we never would have met her... It also said in the file that Payton's biological father visited her at the NICU a few times right after she was born. I had never heard anything like this before. Her mom had said he was there at the birth, but I'd never known he visited her on his own afterward. He quickly fell out of the picture and was nowhere to be found by the time we got involved, but I'm glad I'll be able to tell Payton about him visiting one day.

There are so many little things like this that pop up when you're dealing with adoption. Things that people with biological children never even have to consider. And this makes me sad sometimes. At the time I was thinking so much about her biological mom, there were times I would look at Payton and think, "I'm parenting someone else's child." I remember reading in adoption books that some moms felt like this at first. I didn't at first because I was so careful to remind myself that she was a foster child at that point, not my child. I feel guilty when I think like this. Then I turn around and Payton is doing something just like me and I'm reminded that she is, in fact, my daughter.

Don't I get a gold star?

I feel like I should get some kind of mommy award today. Not only did I care for our strong-willed two-year-old with love and patience (most of the time), but I also did laundry and dishes, mowed the front and back yard, went to the grocery store and worked 5+ hours (earning approximately what my husband makes in a 40-hour work week). When I told Shannon this tonight, he looked at me like I was crazy. Oh, the life of a mom...