Bitter irony

I'm having excruciating ovulation pain tonight. Oh, the cruelest of ironies. Less than one week after I *finally* stop bleeding from the never-ending non-pregnancy, I'm already ovulating again. Enough already! It just makes me feel more broken. The tease of imagining that I'm super fertile and that my body thinks it's already ready to try again is almost too much. I was nearly in tears driving home from work tonight, both from the physical pain but also the emotional drain as well. I know we can't even begin to think of trying again for a few months. It wouldn't even be safe to conceive so soon after four (!) Methotrexate injections. That would only lead to yet another loss again for sure. But my stupid body did not get the message. It's so frustrating. I had a ton of EWCM the other day. And that pissed me off too. Why does my body want to try to trick me like this? Why do I have super regular cycles when it never seems to help anything?? I remember being much younger and having cramps and telling myself it would all be worth it one day because that meant I would get to have a baby one day. What a big pile of crap. Now I have almost daily pain that gets nearly unbearable at times when I ovulate or get my period. And what has that gotten me?? Five pregnancy losses!? It's hard to not feel hopeless and bitter over it all. And alone. I know it's not true, but it feels like no one else has gone through this. It seems like everyone else I know who has had a loss or losses like mine still have had at least one successful pregnancy too. But I can't even make it past eight weeks or so. It feels so unfair that I want to scream. I know so much about fertility and pregnancy, but there's little chance I'll ever get to truly experience it. Most moms I know don't even have a clue, but they just blithely go through these perfect, easy pregnancies. It makes me wonder why I've still keep trying, why I would even consider putting myself through it all again. But I still want to join their club. I still want to have the experience of feeling a life inside of me, of seeing my belly grow, of fun positive ultrasounds for once. Of giving birth, of being able to breastfeed. I know that if I'm never able to do these things, it will be one of my greatest regrets in life. I know I wouldn't love a biological child any more than I love Payton. I know it wouldn't change the parenting struggles. But selfishly, I just want the experience. It's something I've dreamt of for a very long time and it's still hard to imagine finally giving up that dream forever.

Relief

I got the results of my lab work today. My level is 6. Such a relief. Now I can start letting myself feel "normal" again. I went back to my personal trainer at the gym today too. That felt good. Hard, but good. I'm definitely sore tonight, but glad to be achy from exercise rather than the pregnancy/loss. I went ahead and made an appointment with my doctor for next month to discuss all my options for the future. Whether we ever try again or not, this is the appointment I should have made months ago when I was questioning all this. So for now, I'm thankful to be putting this all behind me. Ready to move on. Grateful for all my little blessings. Payton was the sweetest, most well-behaved child tonight and I absolutely loved and appreciated our time together.

More waiting

I had more blood work done today, so now I'm just waiting for the call tomorrow morning with the results. When I went there today, my nurse asked me how I was feeling. I cautiously said I think I'm feeling better, but it's so hard to tell. That's one of the things that is so frustrating about all these pregnancies and losses: they make me feel like I just can't trust my body. I can't tell what symptoms mean what anymore. Just when I think I'm feeling better, I find out my levels still aren't dropping. Or then I start cramping and bleeding again and wonder when my body will just feel normal again. I passed a lot of tissue yesterday, so I'm really hoping to be near the end now. We're going to California in a week to visit my brother and his family and I really don't want to be dealing with this anymore there.

When I went back for my second round of Methotrexate injections last week, the nurse there seemed really shocked to see me again. She said they never get anyone back for a second time for that. Gee, don't I feel special? Now I've had two ectopics and two rounds of Methotrexate with each. Even my nurse today said I must be some sort of record for ectopics. It's like the longest non-pregnancy that just won't give up. But thinking good thoughts for tomorrow and hoping I can finally start moving on...

Mixed

I got the results of my blood work today. My HCG level went down, but only a little. It's still 317, which is basically where it was two weeks ago. I was definitely disappointed to hear that. And even more disappointed that I have to go back tomorrow morning to have another Methotrexate injection. Honestly, I'm ready to just have surgery and get it over with. I want to get rid of this bad tube once and for all. But that's not what my doctor thinks is best yet. Ugh. So another time to the hospital. Two more shots. More waiting to hope my level continues to drop. It's the waiting and unknown that's killing me. I just want it over already. I just want to feel like I can actually start healing again.

On a more positive note, I went to a Mom's Night In tonight with my mommy's group. It's the first time I'd been around any of them since I found out we were losing this pregnancy too. I'd only told one of them about the loss right after we found out and frankly, I'd felt hurt that she hadn't reached out to me. But tonight was good. I stayed until the very end where it was just me and two of the moms I know well and feel comfortable with (including the one who already knew.) So I got to talk to them about everything. And that felt really good. I've learned through my work and especially through all my losses that there is power and healing just in telling your story. Just in feeling heard. I'm thankful to my friends for listening and glad I finally let myself open up.

It was funny. Two of the moms from the group had approached me separately in the past year saying they've considered adoption and asking me about our experience with Payton. And tonight, both of those moms came to me (separately again) and said they are planning to attend information meetings at adoption agencies this week. It made me start to think that maybe we should just go that route again ourselves. I wish there was just one right answer or some way to know the future to know what works for our family. Either way, I know I'm ready now to grow our family. And I know, no matter what, we will be able to do that soon. And that is a good feeling.

Exhausted

Just feeling exhausted today. This loss dragging out endlessly is really wearing on me. I'm really trying to act positive and like it's not bothering me. But it is. A lot. I thought the bleeding was ending and we could just move on, but nope. It's back again and I'm just feeling drained. I thought this loss would be no big deal and we'd just skip past it. No such luck. Still not as bad as my other losses. Still more distractions now and more happiness in general in my life now. I'm not a weeping puddle on the floor this time. But just trying to do some cleaning around the house this afternoon left me out of breath and achy again. So here I am lying with a heating pad again. Gee, what a fun wife and mommy I am lately. Luckily, my mom insisted on taking Payton for the afternoon so I could rest. Shannon has been sweet, but just doesn't get it as a man. No offense to men, but every time I've had a pregnancy loss, Shannon has also had something wrong with him (an earache, a sprained ankle, etc) and he gets tired of me not feeling well and not taking care of him....

This loss, like all the others, is isolating for me again. I've been to work and home and the doctor, but really haven't had any social interaction. I know I tend to isolate myself. I hesitate to go to our regular playgroup and it's not like I'm going to post all this on Facebook. But somehow I thought it might be different this time. Like my few friends I did tell would jump up and help me somehow. But it's the same old thing again. It makes everyone uncomfortable so no one really says or does anything.

I go back to the doctor tomorrow for more blood work to see if my HCG level has gone down. So we'll see if I can finally start to move on and feel like myself again...

Unresolved

Yesterday was, without a doubt, a rough day. Last week when I got the results from my second set of blood work, we found out my HCG level had gone up. Not a lot, really like from 320 to 350. Still clearly not a viable pregnancy, but definitely concerning. So my doctor scheduled me for a repeat ultrasound yesterday morning, just to check. As expected, the results were still inconclusive at best. You still really couldn't see anything. So just to be safe, my doctor diagnosed ectopic pregnancy and sent me off for a shot of Methotrexate. I was clearly not excited about this after having it twice with my first pregnancy and it not working, but I trust my doctor's judgement. I agree it is the least invasive intervention and the best course for now. Otherwise, I end up having a D&C or laparoscopic surgery, or both. Which I guess could still happen, but I doubt it.

The shot experience wasn't too bad this time. I had almost blocked out the other two shots that were awful since I had one in the ER and the other they actually admitted me and put me in a hospital room just to give me the injection. No one knew what to do with me then and said all sorts of inappropriate and inadvertently hurtful things back then. Yesterday was much better. They did the injections (it was actually two shots at once this time) in the infusion clinic where they do IV treatments like chemo and who knows what else. I was the only patient in there most of the time and the staff there was nothing but professional. No one asked me why I was there (hello, it's on the order form) or babied me unnecessarily. They asked if I'd had this drug before, made appropriate jokes and left me alone. Bless them.

I held it together but was on the verge of tears the entire time. I just want the whole thing to be over, to be resolved already. But, as my mom wisely said, this baby is not ready to be forgotten quite so easily yet. I've been having a lot of cramping and bleeding since yesterday, which is good but just a painful reminder. My doctor won't prescribe real pain meds for this one just in case of the slight risk of rupturing if it actually is ectopic. They don't want the meds to mask the pain of cramping versus rupture.

Really, the worst thing yesterday is I felt so alone. Shannon and I had a fight over the weekend and still weren't speaking. My mom was taking care of Payton, who thank goodness still has no idea what is really going on with me. I could have asked a friend to go with me, but didn't. I really wanted Shannon or no one with me. So no one it was. And that hurt.

I went to work for a couple of hours yesterday and that felt good to have that distraction and to have everyone treat me normally since they have no clue what I am going through. But the 30+ minute drive back was entirely too much alone time without distraction. I cried the whole way home.

I pulled it together so I could be there for Payton when I got home. She has no real idea what I'm going through, but she definitely knows something is wrong. She is a smart, intuitive girl. She knows Mommy is not feeling well and is not fully present as much lately. She's acting out at times, but is really handling it well. I keep reminding myself she'll never really remember this difficult time and won't be traumatized by this. She really does make this all easier and help me see the big picture of it all, but it still doesn't erase the pain.

I finally broke down and talked to Shannon last night. So we're better again, which is a huge relief. It's always hard for me to understand what he's going through with all these losses. He acts tough and says he's fine. I almost never see him cry other than in those moments of sad ultrasounds. I think he sees me crying and hurting and tries to be strong for me. But he's hurting too, even if it doesn't look the same as me. We both want the other to just magically understand and to take care of the other one, but it doesn't always work that way. We end up hurting each other more just by struggling in our own pain. I'm not sure how to do it differently, but we're trying.

Today I'm trying to take care of myself. Payton is at preschool. I'm sitting on the couch with a heating pad and my feet up. I'll go to work later and that should be a good distraction and help me feel like myself again. But for now, I'll just try to be kind to myself.