Changes

I called my regular ob-gyn's office this week to see about birth control options.  I found out through my FVL online support group that I can take progesterone-only pills-- thank goodness for that group!  When I finally talked to the nurse, she said the doctor would recommend the Depo-Provera shot for me if I'm sure I don't want to try to get pregnant any time soon.  I'm still not 100% decided, but I've done a lot of reading and researching this week looking up the pros and cons of the shot vs pills.  I feel pretty well-informed on the subject now and am leaning toward taking the doctor's advice and getting the shot next week.

It's bizarre to think I may be planning to do something that would stop us from getting pregnant and for quite some time.  The shot officially works for 3 months, but often you can't get pregnant again for many months afterward (as many as 18 months).  That is both scary and comforting.  If we could know that this whole adoption process was going to go smoothly and successfully for us, then we probably wouldn't even want to really try again for a few years, if ever.  But after the past 3 years of trying so hard to get pregnant, it's crazy to think we'd be doing the exact opposite now.

My period is due on Monday, so chances are I'll be calling them to set up a time for the shot next week.  This month could have been our last shot at trying to to get pregnant for awhile.  We were definitely not trying, but weren't 100% careful all month either.  I ovulated way early and had tons of EWCM.  It was like my body was taunting me, daring me to ttc this month.  But my heart could not get on board.  I figure if by some random chance, we are did get pregnant this month, it would be meant to be and we would rejoice in it, but it's still very scary and not really the road I would willingly choose at this point in our lives.  Weird to think that I don't even have a pregnancy test in the house.  After all the tests, all the months, I'm putting that aside now.

I went to a play therapy workshop for work on Friday about adoption.  Yet another sign from the universe that this month's presentation just happened to be on adoption  :)  I wasn't sure what to expect from the talk, but it turned out to be way more personal than I was prepared for.  I had expected to hear about the warning signs of what behaviors to look for in children who have been adopted, but she focused much more on working the the family, the parents in particular.

Several things she said have stuck with me.  She talked about how in this country now we are so insistent to say that families created from adoption and biological families are "the same".  But really they're not, inherently they are not.  That's not to say that one is better or worse, but they are different and those differences need to acknowledged.

The biggest thing that I keep thinking of is she discussed the six losses you experience in infertility.  They are the loss of:
 1) control [especially when enduring physically invasive and demanding testing and treatment]
 2) genetic legacy [the dream of passing on your traits and characteristics]
 3) being able to create a jointly conceived child with your partner
 4&5) the physical and emotional journey of pregnancy and childbirth
 6) the opportunity to parent a child

Adoption only fixes the 6th loss and you still must grieve for all these other losses.  I had never thought of it like that and it struck me in such a personal way.  When she was describing these losses, I felt tears come to my eyes and for a moment I thought I might not be able to make it through this.  A couple of months ago, I would not have been able to sit through that.  My instinct told me to look for the door, the escape from this pain, but I chose to stay and learn.  I've thought about how I have definitely experienced all these losses and examples of each one in my life sprung to mind.  She talked about feeling left out with other mothers when they tell stories of their pregnancy and birth-- that's something an adoptive mother can never experience.  Something I may never experience.  And I feel that every day.

We are signed up to begin our foster/adopt classes at the end of the month.  We are still very much looking forward to this.  I've been working on our application and officially asked our some of our close friends and family members to be character references for us.  It was wonderful-- each and every one of them was so completely supportive and encouraging.  And that means more to me than I can express.