court

We went to court this afternoon for Payton's permanency hearing, basically just a check-in on her case.  Like I thought, it was no new news for us.  Termination of parental rights is still scheduled for next Thursday.  That will be a huge relief if it all happens as planned.  Even though nothing major happened, it's still exhausting just going to court.  Emotionally exhausting really.  Bio mom did show up today, but she was late.  The judge was running about 30 minutes behind and she still missed court.  She came in right after both sides had rested and the judge adjourned the case.  I recognized her right when she came in, but Shannon had never seen her before and he was holding Sweet Pea.  She sat down right behind us but there was never any contact.  Our case manager quickly said, "Let's go" and we headed out the back door, to the elevator and left as soon as we could.  Sweet Pea's caseworker was talking with her as we were leaving.  Those mixed feelings were there again, for both myself and Shannon.  Glad because it only looked good for us that we were there and there has never been any bio family at any of the court hearings.  But sad because she did show, but didn't even get to say her part or really see Sweet Pea.  Not that we want any visits, but still...  The grief for her is still so present.

We finally watched "The Blind Side" last night.  Cried.  Liked it a lot.  It's definitely not the same as our story, but has similarities with taking in a child, adoption, etc.  It reaffirmed that we feel like we're doing the right thing.  The right thing for us, the right thing for Sweet Pea.  Shannon asked me afterward if I'm sure about keeping Sweet Pea, that he just wanted to make sure we're on the same page as we move along.  I absolutely cannot imagine our lives without her.  She feels like such a part of us.  When I look at her, I feel at home.  You know that feeling when you know and love someone so much that they just feel like home?  Sweet Pea is definitely home for me.  Both comforting and somewhat scary as nothing is finalized yet.  Hopefully soon enough.  Soon enough.