Exhausted

This past week has been so busy, especially this weekend.  I am so exhausted.  It's only 6pm on Sunday evening and I'm wishing I could go to bed already.  The exhaustion started with Sweet Pea's sleep study on Wednesday night.  It went okay, she did way better than I'd expected.  She barely pulled at all the wires and didn't really fuss much when they were attaching them to her.  It really was a nice place, very much like a hotel room other than the camera on the wall and the machines going.  I had requested a crib for her, but they said it's easier if she's just in the bed next to me in case they have to come in and readjust any of the connections during the night.  That was an experience for me to have little Sweet Pea sleeping in bed with me.  I am already such a light sleeper-- it's amazing I slept at all that night.  I swear I heard every little noise she made all night, definitely woke up every time the sleep tech came in to reattach a wire.  When they came in at 5:30 and said we were finished and free to go, I could not get out of there fast enough.  We drove the almost hour home and I gave Sweet Pea a bath since she had all kinds of goo all over her body and in her hair from the connections.  Then we both went back to bed.  I thought Sweet Pea had slept okay that night, but she was clearly exhausted too that next day.  Took four naps, way more than normal.  She was really clingy with me all day too.

On Friday morning, I took Sweet Pea to have another RSV shot.  We thought we were finished with those until next fall, but Medicaid approved one more since apparently RSV is still high in our area.  It's kind of annoying to have to drive almost an hour away just for a shot, but we'll do whatever we can to help keep her healthy.  While we were there at the pulmonologist's office, we again ran into the woman who runs the group foster home where Sweet Pea lived before she came to us.  We had seen her there when we first got Sweet Pea, but now it's been almost 3 months.  It was neat because she was there with the baby girl who had been Sweet Pea's roommate at the home.  It was funny to wonder if they remembered each other.  We talked for quite a while and she took pictures to show to the nurses back at the home who still miss Sweet Pea.  She said one of the nurses who was really in love with her is now pregnant and said she might even name her baby after Sweet Pea if it's a girl.  It's amazing to know she's already touched so many lives.  Small world...

Then pretty much from Friday at noon until Saturday at 10:30 at night, I was volunteering at a family grief camp.  It was a very different experience for me because I usually work with kids, but for the first time, I co-led an adult group.  Each group member had lost a spouse and their stories were so sad, so many were so raw and hurting.  Very different than the kids who might talk about the death then jump right on to something else in the next minute.  These adult groups were heavy and emotionally exhausting.  This camp experience was also different for me because this was the first time I said out loud in a group that I had lost my babies.  Of course my friends know and it's not a secret or anything, but it's not something I tend to bring up because I feel like it makes other people feel uncomfortable.  In sharing circles at these camps, we always go around and say our name and who we are there to remember who died.  I've always said I was remembering my grandparents, which is not a lie, but not at all the complete truth.  But this weekend for the very first time, I said I was remembering my babies.  I said it in our big group with all the volunteers and in my smaller adult camper group too.  It felt like a huge step for me.  When my turn was nearing to talk the first time, my heart was pounding.  But it felt good to say it, to finally be able to share my loss too.  Only one person came up to me later and asked about my babies, but it felt good to have my loss, my pain acknowledged too.  That's one of the reasons I've stopped volunteering with the children's grief program so much-- I always felt jealous and resentful that I couldn't talk about my grief there too.  But this weekend was a little different.  I didn't get to say and process all that I might have needed to, but just saying the words out loud to the group was a big step.  And I was definitely thinking about my losses this weekend.  At the family camp last year, I was pregnant with #4.  We had seen the heartbeat for the first time that day and I started my Heparin shots that day.  Those losses are always there with me.

It was hard really hard being away from Sweet Pea all that time.  Both Friday and Saturday nights, she was already in bed when I got home.  But both nights, she woke up soon after I got home.  She almost never wakes up at that time of night.  Shannon just thought she was gassy and needed to burp, but I think she missed me.  I think she knew I was home and wanted me to come in and hold her.  Goodness knows I was already wanting to go right in and pick her up.  Especially last night.  I was so exhausted, both physically and emotionally, I was practically crying on my way home for no particular reason.  It really helped to come home and have Sweet Pea need me and get to have some sweet time with her before going to bed myself.

Today was so busy too.  I recently joined our local Child Welfare Board and our big annual fundraiser was this afternoon.  I spent all morning helping to set it all up, feeling tired and frustrated with the lack of organization.  Then my mom, Sweet Pea and I went to the event this afternoon.  It was a neat experience because the main goal of our board is to help local foster kids and to increase awareness.  It was great to be able to have Sweet Pea there and for everyone to get to meet her.  Another board member just recently adopted her former foster daughter and I got to meet that sweet little girl too.  She had all kinds of great advice for us and the name of a great adoption lawyer, etc.  Really gives us hope for the future.

Now I am ready to crash.  Sweet Pea is napping and I am fighting a nap myself.  I'd rather not nap, just go to bed early tonight.  I'm so glad the other baby I keep was with his grandmother all last week.  It was crazy enough as it is, so I was glad to have a little break there.  He'll be back tomorrow morning, bright and early, so it all starts over again then.  I don't think we have anything big scheduled this week, so hopefully we can just get back into our routine and settled down a bit.