Dreams

The other night I had a dream again that I was pregnant.  I had gotten up in the middle of the night feeling nauseous and went to sleep on the couch, then had this dream.  It was one of those completely vivid, realistic feeling dreams where when I woke up, I really had to think if it were real or not.  In the dream, something made me think I was pregnant, so I scrounged up a cheap dollar store pregnancy test I'd stashed away and it turned positive right away.  I went to the doctor and he did an ultrasound and told me I was already 12 weeks along.  I remember vividly seeing the baby girl like the sonogram was really a video camera and we could see her so clearly.

I've had dreams like this before.  Where I suddenly find out I'm pregnant and already several weeks into it.  Honestly, this would be my ideal pregnancy if I were ever to get pregnant again.  Those first few weeks are so filled with stress and worry.  I'd love to skip all that and be well into it before I knew.  But I know with all my history and complications, that probably would never happen.  Chances are, a pregnancy for me would not last without intervention.  I would at least need an increase in my thyroid medication (it's my deep-down belief that my elevated thyroid levels at the early stages of the pregnancies fully or partly caused the miscarriages).

I don't know if I'll ever even want to try to get pregnant again.  Right now, that feels like a million miles away.  I'm so glad not to be in the middle of all that anymore, to feel in control and like I can trust my body again right now.  When Shannon and I have discussed expanding our family, he's said he doesn't want to foster/adopt any more babies.  He said if we're going to have a baby, it's going to be biological.  I can't believe he would ever want to go back there again.  Either he didn't think it was that bad or maybe I never let on to how bad it was for me...  It feels like that time had a huge black cloud over it and I couldn't even think straight, but now it's lifted.

I had dinner with a good friend recently and she said she pictures us having a biological child one day.  That surprised me.  I don't know where I'll be with it in the future, but I know it would still be awhile before I could revisit that.  Really, my ideal would be for Sweet Pea's bio mom to have another baby and we could adopt it.  (Yes, I know how awful that sounds to wish for her to have another child taken away.  That's hardly my dream, but it is realistic.  Sweet Pea was already the fifth child taken away and rights terminated on.  And I would love for her to have a biological sibling too.)  Shannon had said he didn't like the idea of that, but when our new adoption case manager from our agency was out recently, he asked her many questions about what would happen if bio mom did have another baby-- would we be contacted? what if we were inactive/not licensed at the time?  So we'll see what the future holds.

I just can't imagine Sweet Pea being the only baby we ever have...