Mixed feelings meeting

I went to Sweet Pea's permanency plan meeting this morning.  Turns out, I had reason to be a little worried.  Bio mom was there.  It was my first time to see her.  So glad I did not bring Sweet Pea, who hasn't seen her since she was 10 days old.  It was comforting that the caseworker and our case manager sat on each side of me, so I felt supported.  There were only five of us in the room and bio mom sat right across from me.

I have such mixed feelings about bio mom and that is a serious understatement.  On one hand, obviously she's done things and made choices that led to her having Sweet Pea removed from her care.  So it seems like it would be easy to vilify her, right?  But then again, she did give birth to this adorable baby who I love so much and she is trying to do the right thing, even if it is in a limited way.

I tried not to make too much eye contact with her, but when they gave her a chance to talk, she asked me all kinds of questions about Sweet Pea.  Has her hair grown in?  Does she look like me?  Is she happy?  Does she still have thick eyebrows?  She was disappointed I didn't bring Sweet Pea and had even brought a camera to take pictures of her.  She tried to give this disposable camera to me to take pictures to send to her, but luckily the caseworker intervened and offered to share pictures with bio mom just as she has been all these months.  Bio mom said she would appreciate that because just getting one picture of Sweet Pea brightens her whole day.  Break my heart...

Towards the end, they asked the caseworker what the permanency plan is and she repeated (as it has been since we got Sweet Pea):  Termination of parental rights and unrelated adoption.  They asked bio mom if this had been explained to her.  She said she understood and is trying to do all she can to get her back and hopes for an extension.

As we left, our case manager repeated to me that bio mom's efforts really are just too little too late.  I want to say I hope she's right, but then there's those mixed feelings again.  I don't want Sweet Pea to go anywhere.  Selfishly, I want her to stay right here with us forever.  But I feel for bio mom more than I ever thought I would.  But then again, I know being with bio mom would not be good for Sweet Pea at this time.  She is not stable to say the least and is essentially a stranger to a baby who needs quite a bit of extra care.

I am glad I went to the meeting.  I'm glad I got meeting bio mom out of the way and that it wasn't traumatic to anyone involved.  She talked about hoping to get visitation with Sweet Pea, but she's glad to know she's well taken care of now.  I'm sure she'll be at our court dates next month when we were planning to have Sweet Pea there too.  I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I felt like crying on the way home, but didn't.  It was a weird feeling.  I know we are lucky that we haven't had to deal with bio families at all up to this point and that is rare in the foster care system.  It's just so hard to give so much of yourself to someone/something and wonder if it will all be taken away.  It's hard to know how much bio mom does love Sweet Pea in her own way.  I feel emotionally exhausted after this today and I still have to go put on my therapist hat and work with pregnant and parenting teen girls.  Can't wait to relax and go to bed early tonight...