I had a bad dream last night about the ultrasound. I dreamt that first we saw a baby and a heartbeat in the uterus. I was so relieved to see our little one, jumping up and down on the screen. Then the doctor said the baby was too small and showed us that the heartbeat was very slow, indicating we had a good chance of losing this one.
Then she looked in my left tube and found another baby in there, moving all around. It was the weirdest feeling because I could see the baby jump in the tube and also felt the pain as it moved inside me.
Then she did another ultrasound of the first baby, but this time we could see it like there was actually a little camera looking inside of me. We could clearly see this chubby tiny little baby with her eyes open and a full head of dark hair. It was sad to know we'd probably be losing her too.
I woke up and it took me awhile to figure out if that dream were real or not. It bothered me the rest of the night and is still haunting me now. Our ultrasound is tomorrow morning. I had wanted to have today be a good innocent day of enjoying this pregnancy and appreciating the life inside me, but that's been difficult today. My left side seems to be hurting more and every twinge worries me more and more. I'm having a really hard time picturing that this baby could be implanted correctly and thriving inside me. I mean, all I've known is losses and most problems have started around this time in the pregnancies, so now it feels like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'll be six weeks tomorrow and we'll know one way or another what to begin to expect for the future.
I'm going to try to let go of my fears again this afternoon and appreciate what I have for now. There is nothing I can do to change things either way. I hope I can find the strength today to let go.
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
Bless you, baby, and keep you safe and protected inside me. I love you.
1 comment:
Oh, Jenny. I so well know that fear.
I am praying right along with you as you go into this ultrasound. thank you for sharing your honest heart. It really encourages me. (Could I sound like the Church Lady any more?)
Don't let fear win. I've decided not to.
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