Ultrasound #1

I had my first ultrasound for this baby yesterday morning and it went okay.  We could clearly see the gestational sac in my uterus, so that was a huge relief.  I had been hoping to be able to see the baby and the heartbeat, but hopefully it was just too early.  According to my calculations based on when I ovulated, I should have been 6 weeks.  The sac measured a little small, more like 5w2d.  But my RE didn't seem concerned at all.  I made him check my tubes because I'd been having so much pain where my previous ectopic was, but he didn't see anything out of the ordinary.

So I'm starting to relax a bit.  At least we know it's implanted correctly-- that's a huge hurdle.  Before the appointment, I had worked myself up so much I was convinced I would be headed straight to surgery.  Thank goodness that's not the case.  That, in and of itself, is a wonderful blessing to me.  The doctor told me I needed to just relax and take care of myself and leave the worrying to them.  At first, he told me to come back for a follow-up ultrasound in 2 weeks.  I told him honestly, with my history, that would be really difficult to wait that long.  He took a look at my chart and agreed, so we scheduled the next one for 1 week away, very early next Friday morning.

He gave us printouts of the ultrasound with a big "Hello Mom and Dad!" over the sac and somehow that's comforted me.  I put one of them up in our bathroom so we can see it often.  If I look closely, I think I can see what could be the baby, but I'm not sure if that's just wishful thinking.  I've started having those pulled stomach muscle feelings when I move.  I can only hope that's a good sign of growing and stretching.  I remember those with my last pregnancy-- even though that one didn't turn out like we'd hoped, I hope these are good signs.

I spent a lot of the afternoon yesterday reading other women's stories on the internet of seeing only a sac at 6 weeks.  Overall, it was very encouraging.  It seemed like quite a lot of them went back just a week or so later and saw the baby & heartbeat.  I hope I'm in that boat a week from now.  But either way, for now, I am still pregnant and that is amazing.  I have to remind myself of that over and over again.  This miracle is growing inside me.  Every day with this little one is a blessing.

I love you, baby, and hope we find you strong, healthy and implanted correctly.

Dream

I had a bad dream last night about the ultrasound.  I dreamt that first we saw a baby and a heartbeat in the uterus.  I was so relieved to see our little one, jumping up and down on the screen.  Then the doctor said the baby was too small and showed us that the heartbeat was very slow, indicating we had a good chance of losing this one.

Then she looked in my left tube and found another baby in there, moving all around.  It was the weirdest feeling because I could see the baby jump in the tube and also felt the pain as it moved inside me.

Then she did another ultrasound of the first baby, but this time we could see it like there was actually a little camera looking inside of me.  We could clearly see this chubby tiny little baby with her eyes open and a full head of dark hair.  It was sad to know we'd probably be losing her too.

I woke up and it took me awhile to figure out if that dream were real or not.  It bothered me the rest of the night and is still haunting me now.  Our ultrasound is tomorrow morning.  I had wanted to have today be a good innocent day of enjoying this pregnancy and appreciating the life inside me, but that's been difficult today.  My left side seems to be hurting more and every twinge worries me more and more.  I'm having a really hard time picturing that this baby could be implanted correctly and thriving inside me.  I mean, all I've known is losses and most problems have started around this time in the pregnancies, so now it feels like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I'll be six weeks tomorrow and we'll know one way or another what to begin to expect for the future.

I'm going to try to let go of my fears again this afternoon and appreciate what I have for now.  There is nothing I can do to change things either way.  I hope I can find the strength today to let go.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Bless you, baby, and keep you safe and protected inside me.  I love you.

Fears

I've been trying to stay so hopeful and positive about this pregnancy, but from time to time, the fears and worries creep in.

I'm so afraid this will be another ectopic pregnancy.  I'm afraid we'll lose this one too.  I'm afraid our ultrasound will show nothing at all.  I'm afraid it will show another baby in my tube.  I'm afraid I'll always be stuck with this damaged tube and I'll have to worry with every pregnancy I have for the rest of my life.  I'm afraid I'll never get to have a baby of my own.  I'm afraid Shannon will say he's done and we can't try anymore.  I'm afraid I'll never get past 8 weeks pregnant.  Then I'm afraid I will and we'll have a late loss of some kind.  I'm afraid that all our interventions won't have made a difference and we'll still be back to square one again.  I'm afraid I'll have to watch everyone else around me get pregnant and have happy, healthy babies with no problems at all.

It feels good to get all of those fears out.  There is little I can do to change any of these.  I just have to trust that things will work out as they should.  I just have to keep talking to my precious little miracle and appreciating our time together, no matter how long or short that time might be.

I love you, baby, and will do everything I can to keep you safe and protected inside me.

Update

I'm exhausted from a long week, but wanted to do a quick update tonight.  I got back my results from yesterday's bloodwork and am starting to feel a bit more hopeful.  My hcg is up to 1198, clearly more than doubling even if you take into account that the draws were 4 days apart.  Yes, I've confirmed this by Googling "hcg increase calculator" and testing it out on several websites.  I just had to know if it's really safe to let the hope creep up a bit more.  My progesterone had risen a bit, but still isn't great at a 10.  They've upped my Prometrium to 4 times a day now, but I'm still happy to do this because I haven't had a drop of spotting since my realization that my "spotting" was actually Prometrium leakage...  They even went ahead and scheduled me for my 1st ultrasound for next Friday.  By then I'll be 6 weeks and we should definitely see something one way or another.

Last night, I was having pain where my ectopic was.  I've been achy pretty much every night since finding out I was pregnant again, but this seemed a bit more localized there.  So I started to worry and obsess as I was trying to fall asleep.  Not a good idea.  Feeling much better tonight.  Any twinges are minor and happening all over, not just where the EP was.  I have to remind myself I feel pain there more days than not, whether I'm pregnant or not, just due to scarring, etc.

I had my 2nd part of my root canal this afternoon.  I didn't want to, but I finally had to tell them I was pregnant because they had to do x-rays to check how the tooth looked afterwards.  I don't like telling people like that because they get so excited and don't understand what I've been through.  I know they're well-meaning, but it's hard to be anything more than cautiously optimistic at this point.  I once told a dentist when I was pregnant with what turned out to be our 1st miscarriage and he asked me & my husband about the pregnancy every time he saw us for the next year.  No fun to be constantly reminded what you don't have...  Back to today.  They put 2 lead aprons on me to do the x-rays and she took it extra fast, but it just makes me worry about every little thing I've already done wrong in this pregnancy.  I took Vicodin last week before we knew.  I took Aleve and Benedryl the night before my + test because I was sure my period was on its way.  And now I've had an x-ray.  I guess if it's going to work, it's going to work.  Many other times I've done everything right and look where that's led us so far...

Hmm, this quick update sure turned long fast.  Guess I had more on my mind than I'd thought...

A-ha!

I had an a-ha moment this afternoon.  I suddenly realized that the "spotting" I've been having the past couple of days looks suspiciously like the pinky-peachy color of the Prometrium pills I've been inserting in my vagina since Saturday.  I even got out a pill to compare with the color on my pantyliner.  Is that a sad story or what?  It makes me feel like an idiot that I hadn't even considered this sooner.  I promise I'm an intelligent individual.  I promise I actually earned my Master's degree.

So obviously I can't say for sure, but maybe I haven't even been having spotting for the past couple of days after all.  Maybe it's just been leakage from the Prometrium!  I can't tell you how happy this prospect made me.  And I know that this can't ensure anything about the future of this pregnancy, but I'm feeling very positive at the moment.

I spoke with the nurse at the RE this morning to get my progesterone results from my first set of bloodwork.  It was only 8.  I already knew it would be low since she had me up my Prometrium dosage yesterday.  I'll go back tomorrow for my second set of labs.  I'm feeling hopeful that at least the progesterone will have risen significantly.  Hopefully my hcg will have gone up too.  I hope, I hope.

Normal

I went to the dr's on Saturday morning to have bloodwork done and talk briefly with the nurse (so glad the dr's office is open 1/2 days on Saturdays!)  I mentioned the spotting to the nurse and she gave me a prescription for Prometrium (progesterone suppositories).  My spotting continued much of Saturday, but has now lessened considerably since start the Prometrium.  I've only spotted twice today and it was barely noticable.  I hate that I have to worry so much about every little thing and can't ever just appreciate a simple, easy pregnancy.  I know that spotting can mean absolutely nothing, but all I've ever known is bad outcomes, so it's difficult not to jump to awful conclusions.  I feel like I hold my breath each and every time I go to the bathroom now, wondering if there will be spotting again.  It's just been brown or light pink and never more than spotting, so I just have to hold on to the fact that those are good signs for now.

I talked to my stepsister the other day who had a baby about a year ago.  She had spotting/bleeding several times throughout her pregnancy & now has a beautiful, healthy baby girl.  And she has other friends with similar stories, so for now, I'm holding on to that hope.

The nurse also said they don't start the Heparin until they see a heartbeat, so at least we get to hold off on that for now.  The idea of giving myself a shot every day is not something I am looking forward to.  Don't get me wrong-- I'll do it for the sake of the baby and am thrilled that there is something like this that we actually can do to fix this, but still, not fun.

I got a message from the dr's office this afternoon about my bloodwork.  She said my hcg from Saturday (15 dpo) was 137, so I'm definitely pregnant (duh).  She also said I should start taking the Prometrium 3 times a day instead of 2, so I can only assume that means my progesterone level was low, but I haven't heard back yet to confirm this.  I can only hope that we caught the low progesterone early enough and it's being fixed now and everything can still continue normally.  Normal.  Why couldn't I just have a normal, easy pregnancy like it seems like so many other women can and do.  Ugh.  But I don't want to focus on the negatives.  Trying my hardest to stay positive and keep my hopes up for the future of this pregnancy.  For now, it's still there and that's a good thing.  A great thing, in fact.

Positive!!

Oh my goodness.  It actually happened.  I'm pregnant!!!

Last night I was sure my period was coming when I had a tiny bit of spotting.  And my cramps seemed to be getting worse.  So I just went ahead and took an Aleve and a Benadryl, put on a pad and went to bed.  But my period never came during the night and the cramps went away.  Starting to wonder again...  When I took my temp this morning, it was still up.  Really getting curious now...  I was still sure I would get my period any time now, but decided to take a test just to confirm it one way or another.  I completely prepared myself for yet another disappointment, but decided I just needed to know.  And lo and behold, the test says "PREGNANT"!!  I climbed back in bed with Shannon to tell him the news.  Even through his sleepiness, I could tell he was thrilled.

So now a whole new adventure begins.  I've been through the beginning stages before, but it will be different now that I'm seeing an RE.  I'll call them today to see what they say, but I imagine I'll have to start on Heparin right away, which I am definitely anxious about.  And we'll start the well-known dance of the labwork.  And then we wait...

I'm feeling very excited but super nervous about this one.  With all the interventions I'm doing now, will it really change the outcome?  Will we really actually get a baby this time?  All I've known is loss and sadness at the end of a pregnancy-- will we get to experience joy this time instead?

For now, I'm going to do my best to just appreciate this little miracle.  To love it and talk to it and take care of it the best I can in the moment without worrying about what the future holds.  Because no matter the outcome, this is my baby and I'm thrilled to have it here in our lives now.