Weakened

My husband changed jobs this week.  I think it will end up being a very positive thing for us, but we're in a definite state of transition now.  For the past 8 years, he's been in sales and worked every weekend.  Now he's decided to be a painter and will have every Friday, Saturday & Sunday off.  This is a huge shift to our routine.  Last weekend was our first weekend off together in I don't know how long.  It was a lot of fun-- it felt like a vacation or like when we were first together almost 10 years ago.  This weekend, not so much.  Not sure what it is, but we seem to be rubbing each other the wrong way.  Not really fighting, just kinda not getting along.  Not so fun.  But he's gone out tonight and I get the whole house to myself, which is something I really actually enjoy.  I think that's one of the biggest things I'm worrying about missing with this new work schedule: my alone time.  I really need my "me time" to re-energize and refresh myself.  Classic introvert.

So I've been thinking about myself lately and how I tend to isolate myself from others.  I can rationalize it by saying I just choose certain people to open up to and share myself with, but I know that's not completely honest.  I would like to have more friends.  Not just acquaintances, but true friends I can really trust.  But it's been my experience those are hard to come by.  Many of my friendships, especially my female friendships, have left me hurt and disappointed through the years.

Take for example my old friend who I'm going to her bridal shower tomorrow.  I've known her since we were five and although I wouldn't have said we were especially close, I did consider her a good friend.  Last year she asked me to be in her wedding, then changed her mind.  She first asked me to stop trying to get pregnant before her wedding.  Really??  Hello??  I'd already had two pregnancy losses by that point and that was not an option.  Then she e-mails (yes, e-mails) me to say maybe I shouldn't be in her wedding.  Her reasons were something like what if I were pregnant and had to be on bedrest and couldn't be in the wedding or what if my dress didn't fit anymore.  Then she left it up to me to decide.  I mean, I've known she's pretty selfish & insensitive, but this was too much even for her.  So, needless to say, I am no longer in the wedding and we have only briefly communicated by e-mail since.  As I'm writing this, I'm wondering why I'm even going to this shower tomorrow.  I know if someone came to me with this story, I'd tell them no way did they have to go.  But I'm trying to be the bigger person in all this...  The real kicker in all this is she had the insensitivity to send me an e-mail this week asking if I'm pregnant.  Can you believe that?!?  I wrote back "no" and that was it.  One thing I've dreaded is going to the wedding and still not being pregnant.  I worry someone will ask at the shower or the wedding why I'm not a bridesmaid anymore and I'll just fall apart.  Oh, why do I do this to myself??