Unresolved

Yesterday was, without a doubt, a rough day. Last week when I got the results from my second set of blood work, we found out my HCG level had gone up. Not a lot, really like from 320 to 350. Still clearly not a viable pregnancy, but definitely concerning. So my doctor scheduled me for a repeat ultrasound yesterday morning, just to check. As expected, the results were still inconclusive at best. You still really couldn't see anything. So just to be safe, my doctor diagnosed ectopic pregnancy and sent me off for a shot of Methotrexate. I was clearly not excited about this after having it twice with my first pregnancy and it not working, but I trust my doctor's judgement. I agree it is the least invasive intervention and the best course for now. Otherwise, I end up having a D&C or laparoscopic surgery, or both. Which I guess could still happen, but I doubt it.

The shot experience wasn't too bad this time. I had almost blocked out the other two shots that were awful since I had one in the ER and the other they actually admitted me and put me in a hospital room just to give me the injection. No one knew what to do with me then and said all sorts of inappropriate and inadvertently hurtful things back then. Yesterday was much better. They did the injections (it was actually two shots at once this time) in the infusion clinic where they do IV treatments like chemo and who knows what else. I was the only patient in there most of the time and the staff there was nothing but professional. No one asked me why I was there (hello, it's on the order form) or babied me unnecessarily. They asked if I'd had this drug before, made appropriate jokes and left me alone. Bless them.

I held it together but was on the verge of tears the entire time. I just want the whole thing to be over, to be resolved already. But, as my mom wisely said, this baby is not ready to be forgotten quite so easily yet. I've been having a lot of cramping and bleeding since yesterday, which is good but just a painful reminder. My doctor won't prescribe real pain meds for this one just in case of the slight risk of rupturing if it actually is ectopic. They don't want the meds to mask the pain of cramping versus rupture.

Really, the worst thing yesterday is I felt so alone. Shannon and I had a fight over the weekend and still weren't speaking. My mom was taking care of Payton, who thank goodness still has no idea what is really going on with me. I could have asked a friend to go with me, but didn't. I really wanted Shannon or no one with me. So no one it was. And that hurt.

I went to work for a couple of hours yesterday and that felt good to have that distraction and to have everyone treat me normally since they have no clue what I am going through. But the 30+ minute drive back was entirely too much alone time without distraction. I cried the whole way home.

I pulled it together so I could be there for Payton when I got home. She has no real idea what I'm going through, but she definitely knows something is wrong. She is a smart, intuitive girl. She knows Mommy is not feeling well and is not fully present as much lately. She's acting out at times, but is really handling it well. I keep reminding myself she'll never really remember this difficult time and won't be traumatized by this. She really does make this all easier and help me see the big picture of it all, but it still doesn't erase the pain.

I finally broke down and talked to Shannon last night. So we're better again, which is a huge relief. It's always hard for me to understand what he's going through with all these losses. He acts tough and says he's fine. I almost never see him cry other than in those moments of sad ultrasounds. I think he sees me crying and hurting and tries to be strong for me. But he's hurting too, even if it doesn't look the same as me. We both want the other to just magically understand and to take care of the other one, but it doesn't always work that way. We end up hurting each other more just by struggling in our own pain. I'm not sure how to do it differently, but we're trying.

Today I'm trying to take care of myself. Payton is at preschool. I'm sitting on the couch with a heating pad and my feet up. I'll go to work later and that should be a good distraction and help me feel like myself again. But for now, I'll just try to be kind to myself.