Bitter irony

I'm having excruciating ovulation pain tonight. Oh, the cruelest of ironies. Less than one week after I *finally* stop bleeding from the never-ending non-pregnancy, I'm already ovulating again. Enough already! It just makes me feel more broken. The tease of imagining that I'm super fertile and that my body thinks it's already ready to try again is almost too much. I was nearly in tears driving home from work tonight, both from the physical pain but also the emotional drain as well. I know we can't even begin to think of trying again for a few months. It wouldn't even be safe to conceive so soon after four (!) Methotrexate injections. That would only lead to yet another loss again for sure. But my stupid body did not get the message. It's so frustrating. I had a ton of EWCM the other day. And that pissed me off too. Why does my body want to try to trick me like this? Why do I have super regular cycles when it never seems to help anything?? I remember being much younger and having cramps and telling myself it would all be worth it one day because that meant I would get to have a baby one day. What a big pile of crap. Now I have almost daily pain that gets nearly unbearable at times when I ovulate or get my period. And what has that gotten me?? Five pregnancy losses!? It's hard to not feel hopeless and bitter over it all. And alone. I know it's not true, but it feels like no one else has gone through this. It seems like everyone else I know who has had a loss or losses like mine still have had at least one successful pregnancy too. But I can't even make it past eight weeks or so. It feels so unfair that I want to scream. I know so much about fertility and pregnancy, but there's little chance I'll ever get to truly experience it. Most moms I know don't even have a clue, but they just blithely go through these perfect, easy pregnancies. It makes me wonder why I've still keep trying, why I would even consider putting myself through it all again. But I still want to join their club. I still want to have the experience of feeling a life inside of me, of seeing my belly grow, of fun positive ultrasounds for once. Of giving birth, of being able to breastfeed. I know that if I'm never able to do these things, it will be one of my greatest regrets in life. I know I wouldn't love a biological child any more than I love Payton. I know it wouldn't change the parenting struggles. But selfishly, I just want the experience. It's something I've dreamt of for a very long time and it's still hard to imagine finally giving up that dream forever.