Mixed

I got the results of my blood work today. My HCG level went down, but only a little. It's still 317, which is basically where it was two weeks ago. I was definitely disappointed to hear that. And even more disappointed that I have to go back tomorrow morning to have another Methotrexate injection. Honestly, I'm ready to just have surgery and get it over with. I want to get rid of this bad tube once and for all. But that's not what my doctor thinks is best yet. Ugh. So another time to the hospital. Two more shots. More waiting to hope my level continues to drop. It's the waiting and unknown that's killing me. I just want it over already. I just want to feel like I can actually start healing again.

On a more positive note, I went to a Mom's Night In tonight with my mommy's group. It's the first time I'd been around any of them since I found out we were losing this pregnancy too. I'd only told one of them about the loss right after we found out and frankly, I'd felt hurt that she hadn't reached out to me. But tonight was good. I stayed until the very end where it was just me and two of the moms I know well and feel comfortable with (including the one who already knew.) So I got to talk to them about everything. And that felt really good. I've learned through my work and especially through all my losses that there is power and healing just in telling your story. Just in feeling heard. I'm thankful to my friends for listening and glad I finally let myself open up.

It was funny. Two of the moms from the group had approached me separately in the past year saying they've considered adoption and asking me about our experience with Payton. And tonight, both of those moms came to me (separately again) and said they are planning to attend information meetings at adoption agencies this week. It made me start to think that maybe we should just go that route again ourselves. I wish there was just one right answer or some way to know the future to know what works for our family. Either way, I know I'm ready now to grow our family. And I know, no matter what, we will be able to do that soon. And that is a good feeling.