Healing

I feel better today. I'm not saying I've definitely shed my last tear over this pregnancy, but I already feel like I'm coming to terms with it and able to see the big picture without getting swallowed by the darkness again like before.

I'll admit, it wasn't my finest morning as a mother. I woke up cranky and still wanting to just wallow on the couch. Payton was sweet at first, but then really wanted more attention than I was able to give. Our poor cat took the brunt of it as Payton chased her around and generally tormented her in hopes of getting a reaction out of me. As I got more and more frustrated with the situation, it finally dawned on me what was happening. So I gave in and called my mom in for backup.

Then I went to lunch with my sweet friend. The one who brought by the plant last night. The one who's listened to me whine and cry about all my previous losses. The one who's endured my ups and downs despite how hard it must be for her in her own situation. And as always, she listened and empathized. Just talking with her helped me see a new, better perspective. I am so thankful for that.

Then I went to work. I was a little worried about working today, especially since it was at the shelter where I counsel pregnant and parenting teen girls. I knew I would be working with two noticeably pregnant girls and wondered how I'd be able to handle it. Honestly, one of my biggest concerns with trying to get pregnant again was how it would affect my work. I really do love what I do and didn't want another pregnancy loss to cloud my ability to work with these girls.

And amazingly, today, it did not. I didn't cry or even feel especially emotional while I was there. I was able to be present with my clients despite my circumstances and that felt really good. I just felt like myself. What a relief. Actually, I feel more worried about going back to our playgroup. Just too many babies and pregnant bellies there. And thankfully, somehow my brain is able to separate those from the shelter with those of my peers who I compare myself to and, let's be honest, feel jealous of.

I heard from my sweet nurse today who said my pregnancy hormone level was very low, only around 300. So that's a relief too. That means there really isn't a concern of ectopic with this one. And that low number coupled with really not seeing anything on the ultrasound yesterday reassures me that this miscarriage really shouldn't be too bad physically. I'm expecting it to really just be like a heavy period. No fun, but nothing like the trauma of the last miscarriage. This one is much like pregnancy #3, the blighted ovum. Never saw a baby, never felt too attached. I'll go back for blood work again tomorrow, but then I imagine that will be it for this pregnancy. No need for another ultrasound or any other follow-up. Just a two-week blip on the radar and now we can get back to "normal".