Resentment

My sister-in-law will be having her first baby any day now. And frankly, I can't wait. Can't wait to meet our new nephew, can't wait to see how Payton reacts to her new little cousin, can't wait for her to actually have a cousin nearby that we can see often and they can really grow up together. But most of all, I can't wait for my sister-in-law to not be pregnant anymore. I've had more than enough of hearing her complain about the pregnancy and all its difficulties. I'm not minimizing her pain or anything, but it's like no one even remembers that it might be difficult for me too. She says things like how she can never get comfortable or sleep anymore and everyone is like "Oh I would not want to be in your shoes" and I'm over there thinking "Hello, I would!"

I'm still at a point where I think we will not try for a biological child again, but if I could somehow know that it could be successful and "easy" to get and stay pregnant, I probably would then. I just can't bring myself to try again knowing there's a good chance of only suffering more losses and more pain. Even though I've come to this decision, it doesn't mean it's been an easy one. It doesn't erase the pain of the losses we had. Nothing erases that, not even the joy that Payton brings.

I'm both looking forward to and dreading the actual birth of our new nephew. He will be born in the only hospital here in our little hometown. The hospital where I had my laparoscopic surgery to remove the ectopic pregnancy, the one where I had my D&C for the missed miscarriage. The D&C was on the actual labor and delivery floor, so I'm worrying about triggering the trauma of that when we visit them at the hospital (although my D&C experience was a good one and the nurses where the nicest there, it was still understandably a tough time). I've heard that they've recently renovated the labor and delivery floor, so I'm hoping that it's unrecongizable to me. We recently found out that she's supposed to be induced Sunday evening if nothing happens before. That means he'll most like be born on either Monday or Tuesday, which I have to admit is a relief because I acutally have to work long hours on both those days. I do want to see them and share in the celebration, but I don't know how much sitting around a labor and delivery room I could do without breaking down eventually.

Most of the time I feel okay. This is not an all-emcompassing sadness like it was before. But there are more moments lately when it just hits me and knocks me off-guard. I've gone to a couple of playdates with my local mom's group recently. Inevitably, someone there is pregnant or they're telling pregnancy/birth stories. And I sit there feeling left out and sad that I have nothing to share.

I had gotten to a point where I was feeling okay about seeing pregnant people, but it's been bothering me again lately. It's not like it was before. Not the searing pain when I saw a woman with a cute little baby bump, but now it's more of a deep ache of resentment. Sadness at the realization that will never be me. Hurt that my body could not ever hold on to our babies. Grief that I'll never get to experience that miracle of life.

It just never goes away completely.