Heartbeats

How to make yourself feel young: Spend some time sitting in a cardiologist's waiting room. Then go stand in line to vote. This was my Tuesday morning and I was feeling like a very youthful 33-year-old. Then I ruined it all by spending the afternoon/evening with all teenage clients, who make me feel ancient at time. I don't know much of the music they listen to, I don't have a smartphone... I guess I ended up balanced out, but it was a long, strange day.

I decided to break down and go to the cardiologist recently because I sometimes feel my heart skip a beat. Truth be told, I've felt this off and on for at least the past ten years (possibly longer), but have denied it and never mentioned it to anyone until about a month ago. After a day that I noticed it happening several times, I asked my loving husband if he ever feels this sensation. He looked at me like I was crazy, replied no and that's not normal. Then I talked with other friends and family about it, all of whom convinced me that I need to get it checked out.

I felt silly at my first appointment, having to say this is something I've had for many years but never ever mentioned to any medical professional before. It's like I had to admit that now I finally feel like an adult and like I'm not invicible and I need to take care of myself so that I can be here for years to come. I honestly feel like the shift came when I became a mother. Once that feeling sets in, it changes you forever. I know it's cliched, but it is so true. The idea of me falling over dead one day because I never got this little heart thing checked out and leaving my child behind motherless is the main reason I finally got around to calling a cardiologist.

Chances are, it's nothing big. He couldn't diasnose me on the spot, but said it's probably PVC's and it can be quite common. He said I probably even have them more often than I notice and it can be harmless. The cardiologist even said he has this. But just to be sure, he ordered some tests. I had to wear a holter moniter for 24 hours this week (basically a device that's attached to your chest and records your heart actions the entire time.) This was uncomfortable and awkward, but not quite as bad as I had imagined.

I also had an echocardiogram (sonogram of my heart) yesterday. This was interesting. Cool to see my heart beating up there on the screen and have the tech point out all the different parts. I've seen Payton have several of these and I knew it would be no big deal. But then again, there's always that pregnancy loss side of me looming in the background. Every once in awhile during the test, she would turn on the volume and there would be the sound of my heart beating filling the room. And I couldn't help but flashback to those times when I lay on other exam tables and had very different ultrasound experiences. The times I saw my tiny babies, the times there were little hearts beating inside of me, the times we saw that those hearts had stopped beating, those times when there was nothing to see because the baby was lost. That heartbeat sound always bothers me for those reasons. We have a lullaby CD that I like a lot and used to play for Payton while she was napping when she was a little baby. The last track on that CD is just a heartbeat, like a baby would here in its mother's womb. This track always disturbed me and I actually had to re-record the CD, but without that track on it.

I'll go back to the cardiologist next week to meet with the doctor and hear the results of my tests and where we go from there. Hopefully it's nothing big. Hopefully I have a long and healthy life ahead. But either way, I'm glad I went. Glad I went to get this checked out. How grown-up of me...