Birthdays and triggers

Today is my 33rd birthday.

I had my annual gyn exam this morning. I know, who schedules this for their birthday, right? Just happened to fall that way. As usual I was a little apprehensive about the appointment. Not because I have anything going on right now. It's just going to that office triggers a little piece of PTSD in me. I flashback to the other times I sat in that waiting room, the other times I sat on that exam table wondering what kind of news we would have from this pregnancy this time around. I was the last patient before lunch, so I was worried they'd be running behind and there would be a million happily pregnant women in the waiting room to rub it in my face. But it wasn't bad at all. Once I was in the exam room, I did have to do a little deep breathing to relax, but no major traumas. No heartbeats in the next room this time (thank God). There was a moment when I was waiting where I felt tears wanting to spring to my eyes. I hardly ever cry over these losses anymore these days, but something about that place just makes it all feel so fresh again. I just kept trying to picture my sweet Payton and her absolute joy when she sees me walk in the room. She makes it all worth it.

I do wonder if we'll ever TTC again. A big part of me still feels like I could not go down that dark road again. But every once in a while, I do get a little twitch to try again. A couple of weeks ago, I let my mind run away from me for a couple of days and imagined I could be pregnant. I was feeling nauseous and a little crampy. Obviously these could be due to all kinds of things, but it got me wondering. I'm clearly not, but at the time I wasn't sure whether I was relieved or disappointed. It would still be a long way off if we ever did try again, so I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Shannon's sister is pretty pregnant now, due at the end of August. I am very happy for them and look forward to being an aunt to this baby boy, but I still have issues being around her so pregnant at times. That little green jealousy just creeps back in from time to time. She's planning on scheduling a 4D ultrasound sometime soon and wants the whole family (including me) to be there for it. While I am happy to be invited and included, part of me wonders if I could handle this. Sure, I'd be able to hold it together in the moment, but ultrasounds are tough for me. No wonder why. Not sure how I'll handle this yet.